Is Honesty The Best Policy? Or is that a sham to make people look like idiots in the face of Truth?

George Washington looked at the apple tree which he had just chopped down with his hatchet. In a state of panic, he buried the tool of guilt. His father was enraged and demanded to know who had chopped his tree down. After struggling within himself, George sighed and admitted, "Pa, I cannot tell a lie. It was me who chopped down your tree." Instead of the expected lashing admonitions, George received his father's mercy and learnt the virtue of honesty.

My moral compass is whirling in all directions. Is Honesty truly the Best Policy? I did something right/wrong last night. (Technically, it ought to be 'this morning') As always, it was compelling to tell the truth. But was divulging the truth the right thing to do? Did it escalate into something terribly wrong?

I feel so screwed. I've lost two friends this year. MF backstabbing and igniting flames of deceit which YL lapped up & the complicated mess with Ange. Just when I thought I'd found a potential good friend, I screwed it yet again. What is it about me that causes such a vicious cycle? He said "the only constant is change". My mantra would be "the only constant is being screwed". Name an aspect of my life that isn't screwed.

Throngs of people weave in and out of our lives daily. Few are integrated along with the daily grind. It isn't easy to actually communicate with someone, let alone have similar interests. Naturally, a gem was revealed and we got on pretty fine, at least online. It was comforting to have a friend who finally had similar interests and way of rationalizing through situations.

Everything was right. There was only one wrong. I hadn't told him I'd known who he was. Or at least, his name wasn't alien to me. As we bantered, as more was revealed, as he allowed me into his life with nuggets of information about himself, I felt a surmounting urge to say something. Like young George Washington, I cannot tell a lie. I don't know how to. And so I told him.

Although he's said it isn't my fault, I still feel like turd. Smashed turd.

What had started out to be a seemingly innocent desire to have a new confidant, soon resembled a conspiracy theory taken right out of a bad B-grade movie. As always, I had to assert myself. However, the more I said, the more I was sinking in quicksand. Right now, I have no idea what he thinks of this persona typing away furiously at the keyboard, trying to string a sentence which makes sense. I flatter myself. Perhaps he doesn't bother at all.

-Sigh-
My intentions are always misconstrued. Misunderstandings arise easily. Words can be uttered to placate someone, but nobody knows what the heart beholds. Truth is often hidden to avoid confrontation and moments of awkward silence. Perhaps I think too much. Perhaps I should take consolation in our simultaneous retort that "thinking too much isn't a good thing".

More importantly than the impression that has formulated in his head about me, I'm overwhelmed with extreme guilt, which explains the smashed turd scenario. Blissfully ignorant to my identity, he'd shared his thoughts with someone who wanted to listen. A safe ground for him to trod upon. Then, his safe world suffered a rude shock.

I feel like crap. Shittified (if there's such a word).

I did not want to be another statistic of his troubles. He had had enough. Although he has never said it, I feel like a two-headed snake. Appearing to be a true friend on one hand, but witholding a significant piece of information on the other. I had no other weird/conniving intentions to begin with, yet the irony now is that I probably appear to be a deceitful liar. At least to myself. Darn it. It gets worse as more words appear here.

While I sought for a friendship without any inhibition, and thought that I'd found a potential good friend with no other intentions, somehow things seem messy now. Embroiled with trouble has always been a familiar state, but never my forte.

Mich has never wanted to be a liar, nor a deceitful person. Mich has no intention of entering your world only to trample all over it. Mich thinks the more she says, the worse it gets. The more Mich tries to explain herself, the more dubious Mich thinks it seems to you. Mich has enjoyed chatting tremendously as you are the male reflection of herself. Mich always does stupid things without stopping first to consider the consequences, thus leading to this awkward stage. Mich is terribly upset although you have said that it's not about Mich. Mich blames herself for creating this. Maybe it affects you minimally, but Mich is affected deeply. Mich has done many stupid things before, this being one of the mere statistics. Mich doesn't know what to say. Mich thinks you'll probably think she's crazy but Mich knows that you're not an empty shell. You analyse a lot too. Which makes Mich feel like crap now. Mich was looking for a good friend with shared interests and we happened to be at the same place at the same time. Mich knows that Mich can say all she wants but it is you who decides. Mich just wants to say she is terribly sorry. Apologies may not matter, for they are easily uttered. But Mich doesn't know what to do in such situations. Mich can only say, "I'm sorry. Please forgive me." Mich hopes to continue the usual banter and smacking as before with no other misconstrued intentions. Mich is such an idiot, eh?