Something's happened

Something's just happened.

I hope you're happy because I am pretending to be. I am putting on a smile so that you can lead your life. Right now, at this moment, something's happened. My cheeks are wet and the wretched heart weeps within. I'm not stupid. I'm not ignorant. I'm not blissfully unaware of certain things.

If this is God's test, I'm not doing very well, am I?

Never in my life has there been such a test as great as this. Do not ask me "How are you?" unless there is genuine concern.Small talk is redundant and a waste of time unless both parties are sincerely engaged in it.

What am I typing? I don't even make sense to myself. Why do I hesitate on every word in each sentence? What am I being cautious about? How can words right the wrong which has accumulated over time?

It's my fault. It always has been, hasn't it? Nothing is ever right, no matter how hard I try. The best I get is a consolatory smile, as if in mock pity for my nullified efforts. This facade is getting tiring. I want to throw down the mask and be the real me.

There are many questions with no concrete answers. There are many answers that I evade with each unspoken question. Contradictory gestures and words complicate matters. Issues that probably do not matter to anyone else besides myself.

The sun's where you are right now. Your day is complete, unlike mine.