The Past Is Not Tomorrow. Think About It And Let Go.
"The past is not tomorrow. Think about it and let go."
Perhaps I'm too hard on myself. The perfectionist streak in me cannot allow things to go awry. Meticulous as I am, the ideal is highly regarded and pursued with vigour. Often, the circle only has one side, and it builds up unnecessary tension.
Impressions aside, I am highly guarded and defensive. I wasn't like that till I was 18. In the last quarter of that year, I'd been betrayed by four who were closest to me - best friend, confidant, partner, parent. Betrayal wasn't something as trivial as divulging someone's secrets. No, it was more than that. It wasn't as simple as four individual events. The amount of anguish and devastation resulting from "them" versus "me" took its toll. Del, James, Leanna & PJK would remember how close I was to breaking point as the cycle ensued.
There is no sparkle in my eyes because of the culmination of events. Past hurts have embedded a sense of mistrust until you've proven that you won't hurt me. Being a sign of weakness, hurt is best avoided and that is achieved by building high walls around.
Contempt aside, hurt leaves an indelible imprint and the road to recovery is a dreaded journey. I am aloof because I fear judgement. I fear judgement because I avoid being perceived as weak. If I can accept that, I will be much happier.Unfortunately, my genetic makeup lacks the ability to let go. I hear these words often, "Learn to let go.". The trouble is, a memory, a hurt, a smile, a glance, a word - each registers itself in subconscious permanence. I'm stubborn because there is something which I have been waiting for all my life. Lurking round the corner, my greatest struggle is to turn and walk away when I know it lies just ahead.
I've learnt not to hope. Hoping, wishing, waiting - these only serve to spiral levels of expectation out of control. At its peak, hope will then nosedive to the bottom of the pit. Without hope, there can be no disappointment. That has been my cycle of defence and emotional baggage.
Daniel Foo has said, "Fear is not an emotion. It is a spirit. The presence of worry signals an absence of faith."
Likewise, in a similar vein, the past is not tomorrow. Think about it and let go.
I'll try.
Perhaps I'm too hard on myself. The perfectionist streak in me cannot allow things to go awry. Meticulous as I am, the ideal is highly regarded and pursued with vigour. Often, the circle only has one side, and it builds up unnecessary tension.
Impressions aside, I am highly guarded and defensive. I wasn't like that till I was 18. In the last quarter of that year, I'd been betrayed by four who were closest to me - best friend, confidant, partner, parent. Betrayal wasn't something as trivial as divulging someone's secrets. No, it was more than that. It wasn't as simple as four individual events. The amount of anguish and devastation resulting from "them" versus "me" took its toll. Del, James, Leanna & PJK would remember how close I was to breaking point as the cycle ensued.
There is no sparkle in my eyes because of the culmination of events. Past hurts have embedded a sense of mistrust until you've proven that you won't hurt me. Being a sign of weakness, hurt is best avoided and that is achieved by building high walls around.
Contempt aside, hurt leaves an indelible imprint and the road to recovery is a dreaded journey. I am aloof because I fear judgement. I fear judgement because I avoid being perceived as weak. If I can accept that, I will be much happier.Unfortunately, my genetic makeup lacks the ability to let go. I hear these words often, "Learn to let go.". The trouble is, a memory, a hurt, a smile, a glance, a word - each registers itself in subconscious permanence. I'm stubborn because there is something which I have been waiting for all my life. Lurking round the corner, my greatest struggle is to turn and walk away when I know it lies just ahead.
I've learnt not to hope. Hoping, wishing, waiting - these only serve to spiral levels of expectation out of control. At its peak, hope will then nosedive to the bottom of the pit. Without hope, there can be no disappointment. That has been my cycle of defence and emotional baggage.
Daniel Foo has said, "Fear is not an emotion. It is a spirit. The presence of worry signals an absence of faith."
Likewise, in a similar vein, the past is not tomorrow. Think about it and let go.
I'll try.
posted by whimsical_fantasies at 1:46 PM
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