What Makes Mich Happy?
- Being showered attention / time / love.
- Listening to music which speaks to the heart.
- Possessing freedom (yes, an oxymoron)
- Being in the company of people who do not judge
You may notice that shopping is not in the list. Neither is eating ice-cream. Both are synonymous with my moniker. However, these two activities are only adrenalin fixes. The rush of purchasing that fantastic halter ebbs away as soon as the card is swiped.
You may also notice that the list is not an extensive one. There are few things in the world that can trigger one's inexplicable tendency to flash a smile. (1), being at the top spot, is apparently the paragon of idealistic notions.
Have you made Mich happy? Conversely, what can Mich do to make you happy?
That said, what makes YOU happy?
posted by whimsical_fantasies at 7:23 PM
15 Comments:
Are you happy?
Has Dank contributed to your happiness?
Are you happy?
What does Daniel think Mich's answers are?
(1) & (3) : Yes? No?
(2) : Yes? No?
Make a guess! =p
Gues...
(1) Yes
(2) No
(3) No
-looks puzzled-
Isn't (1) & (3) the same question?
-shrug- is it?
(1)Are you happy?
(2) Has Dank contributed to your happiness?
(3)Are you happy?
Ta da! (1) & (3) are indeed the same. =p
Date: 31 March 2006
Day: Friday
Today, I find the courage to tell you this : The answer is YES.
Dank has contributed to a large part of Mich's happiness. Dank says all the right things to Mich at the right time, especially during the times when Mich craved affection. Mich had never felt that she was significant to anyone till she met Dank.
Mich cherishes the times that Dank has made her laugh, the meals we had, the banter we shared and the emotional support Dank has provided.
With Dank, Mich has experienced happiness. Mich thanks Dank for these memories.
Date: 14 September 2006
Day: Thursday
Yesterday, Dank hurt Mich with a single word. Dank said he almost died when his bike touched another at 70 km/h. All Mich heard was that one single word that had come to bear significance over time.
Mich wonders why she has been tarrying with hope thus far. Dank doesn't need Mich anymore.
When Dank left in Feb on an overseas assignment for four months, Mich was prepared to let Dank go for good. That was why Mich gave Dank the cards which Dank said he would bring along with him on his trip. Then Dank called from overseas, dropped emails and sneaked on MSN once during a meeting. Mich was touched. Mich decided to wait for Dank to return.
When Dank did return in May, Mich was secretly overjoyed as Dank announced his return to Mich on that very day. Then, something happened. Mich knew something took place for approximately 3 weeks and to this day, Dank has not told Mich about this said event and Mich has never tried to pry it out of Dank. Mich has no right to. Thus, Mich has remained silent.
By then, there was a change in Dank. Once, Dank used to send SMSes at any time of the day, be it in the morning, afternoon, night or wee hours when Mich was asleep. Once, Mich used to wake up daily wondering what would be in Dank's daily SMS and giggle to herself upon checking her cellphone. Once, Dank used to chat with her about everything under the sun and about himself for hours on a daily basis. Once, Dank was Mich's emotional pillar because he was always concerned about Mich. Once, Dank shared songs, food and ice-cream with Mich. Those were the times when Mich experienced true happiness with Dank. Dank made Mich feel important. Mich felt wanted and cherished.
What Dank doesn't know is that Mich has been standing in the distance for years, watching Dank on the piano and never did it occur to her that Dank would one day speak to her, much less be close to her. Dank was Mich's beacon of awe. Thus, after waiting along the sideline for years, Mich was very flattered that Dank showered her with this much attention. Dank had a way with words and brought many smiles to Mich's face with the right words at the right time. Dank set things right simply because he was Dank. It was like a fairy tale come true.
After about a year or so, Dank started to change. Mich knows that the circumstances surrounding are complicated and the situation rendered is not one of Dank's nor Mich's choice. Consciously or otherwise, Mich started to feel Dank's growing distance. It was as if Dank wanted to move on but he would return for a while to Mich's delight before becoming distant again. This tarrying between the extreme ends of the continuum was taxing on Mich but Mich held on to every remnant stoically. As long as Dank dropped a word to Mich, Mich was always ready for Dank.
Yesterday, Mich decided to bid Dank adieu for good. Mich did not ask if Dank was all right not because Mich did not care. Dank knows that he is the most important person to Mich. Mich has to learn to put on a guise of nonchalance. By hurting Dank in return, ironically, can Mich and Dank move on without each other shackling another's feet.
Mich loves Dank. Mich wants Dank to be happy. That's why Mich has to fight nobody but herself. Her innate struggle, her silent tears she must bear in order for Dank to be free to live.
Goodbye, Dank.
If we should meet along the streets and if Mich should turn her head and not acknowledge Dank, it is not because she no longer cares. This gesture would be to hide the tears that she sheds quietly as she slips away under Dank's presence in the crowd.
Some of the numerous messages that Mich holds onto dearly:
"O-yee-o-yee-o...Greetings phone of lady Mich! I, phone of Pony Tootle, request you pass on this message: Pony Tootle sends his well wishes and wishes Mich well..." ---Dank 14/10/05 11.06am
" Hey babe...that's the way it is, faraway people can't hurt us coz we don't feel it even if they do... -HuG- " -- Dank 17/11/05 12:46pm
"...Don't suppose mich has work today..? Guess not, n she's all comfy n cosy in bed? Yeah...Thought so. Enjoy ur early weekend!" -- Dank 9/12/05 6:35am
" -glass shatter- Ah....Haha! Sleep? Wake up to read message. Sleep? Heh... =p " -- Dank 15/12/05 2:18am
"Hope you're really enjoying, no kidding enjoying k? If want dank just call k?" -- Dank 23/12/05 11.14pm
"Hey Dank's going to be riding back now, give him a call if you want to talk while he's riding k? -HuG- " -- Dank 27/12/05 12.05am
"What?! Dank can't open till birthday? Then must bring card and present along unopened! -pout- " --Dank 1/2/06 5:06pm
"Fallen asleep many times today....-yawn- lessons..." -- Dank 16/8/06 2:16pm
"Where? Where? -look up- ouch! Red eyes, pain...Heh. Happy Teacher's Day to Mich!" -- Dank 2/9/06 2:53pm
I've stopped the blog. It started with Dank and it will end because of Dank. Dank has always known that, haven't you? Dank never gave the game away.
From now, Mich will blog here instead when Mich thinks of Dank.
Mich can write incessantly, but she will not do so tonight.
Mich just wants to say, "I miss you so much, Daniel." Each time Mich mutters that to herself, she'll cry uncontrollably.
Goodnight, Daniel.
I Miss You.
Tonight, Mich has a song that Daniel will never get to hear. Goodnight, Baby...I miss you so much....
[ A Quiet Mind -- Blue October ]
A slow strangle with feet on the floor
I've got 14 angels and we're sleeping alone
In the back of a cave, where the rest of us go
To feel normal
I call baby up. Leave me alone.
I'm in pain but I won't let you band-aid the wound
I'm mad at a stage where I can't even handle my own
Give me a quiet mind and I...
I love you
You give me a quiet mind and I...
I love you
Until the end
Give me strength to be kind... To combine
All the good things in life that were so hard to find
But I have and I won't let them go like I do with my friends
Still bearing voices... From front... From behind
They're the reasons I choose... When to live... How to die
When to cast... When to reel
When to buy... When to steal
When to fiend for the friends that taught me
Being inappropriate will
Give me a quiet mind and I...
I love you
You give me a quiet mind and I...
I love you
Till the end
Recently, Dank has re-established contact with Mich. Mich is terribly happy about this.
28/10/06 6:43pm
"Hey Babe...Any plans tonight? I'm free! Out for coffee or tea or drinks? Any time after 8."
When Mich later received this particular msg, Mich didn't dare to meet you. Naturally, Mich was over the moon that Dank had asked her out! She wanted badly to meet you immediately but she could not.
Mich has put off meeting Dank for about a month now because she is afraid of events that may be triggered henceforth. She has spent a year in anguish and is afraid to experience that all over again.
What would Dank's reaction be? That is also Mich's primary concern. Would it be exactly the same as before? Would everything be forgotten? Would Dank pretend that nothing has ever taken place and remain the same?
Questions loom with no answers. Mich is afraid to meet Dank because she doesn't know what to expect.
Daniel.
Today I address you as "Daniel" because that is the name I wish to utter again.
I'm not happy, Daniel.
I've not been happy since I handed you the card. Do you remember the night we had coffee? You went to buy drinks while I deliberated if I should hand you that card. When you placed my drink in front of me, I whipped out the card and uttered, "I've something for you."
You stared at the pink envelope. You peeled open the sealed envelope in apprehension. Your eyes darted across the gold inscriptions on the card. After an awkward silence, you paused and hesitated before asking me, "Is that you?"
[ It's strange that as I was typing this, you sent me an sms at 2:43am. ]
I don't wish to continue typing here for tonight.
I miss you, Pony Tootle. =(
Daniel,
it's almost two years.
Nothing's changed. A message from you, a comment left on my blog, an sms, a call, anything, still sends my heart racing each time a line of communication joins you to me.
I'm hanging on to the past. I ought to let it go.
Have you?
Daniel,
It's been 5 years. And yet, I find myself returning to this secret refuge where I find my solace in confronting my innate fears.
Each time you come across with a sweet gesture, invariably, I'd be wrangled yet again.
When you appeared on 5 April (Mon) at my place, I was all smiles because I was indeed Happy to see You.
A moment. A smile. A word.
I keep these in my little locket of memories.
Is it possible to be your friend without harbouring hopes, wishes and dreams?
I wish I could.
I wish I would.
It'd end the anguish that had plagued me since I handed you the pink card.
All these years, I'd wanted to make it up to You.I appropriated as much time and attention as You'd needed. I'd dropped everything whenever I could, wherever I was.
Your social circle has widened exponentially and you're constantly in the company of other females. Naturally, Mich dwindles in significance and she knows her place.
Mich has hopes, dreams and wishes.
She had much to say to You, much to share and much to laugh with.
There's a void left by Daniel in Mich's life and it can never be filled by anyone else.
It can only be tucked away in a corner, for Mich to revisit whenever she's overwhelmed with thoughts of You.
For Daniel was, is and will always be, the very Best in Mich's eyes. He had given Mich reason to smile, the very reason that Mich's eyes would sparkle, the lilt behind Mich's giggles.
Because Daniel brought much Happiness to Mich, Mich has never been able to quite successfully walk away, despite numerous attempts over the years.
Daniel, You're the Boy who made me Happy.
But this Boy, is the Boy that I cannot have.
Today, I find courage to click on this page and revisit the past.
It is 2013. Valentine's Day was a couple of hours ago.
Reading what I've scrawled here over the last 8 years invariably evoked tears and familiar angst.
It would have been all right had You left without spending time with me.
Yet, questions loom in my head despite my firm grip on reality.
1) The Unprecedented Birthday Treat -
Why did you bother to celebrate my birthday with me?
2) "Friend" -
I knew. I tried to get you to tell me to no avail. I'd already known. Yet, you'd decidedly stuck to the vague mention of your "Friend".
3) "What if You disappear? Then how(sic)?" -
I whimpered as I handed the photo album to you, albeit reluctantly. Though you did not disappear, the promise to call me was not kept. Then, at 2 am, you texted me, "Still awake?" I missed it but replied immediately when I saw it. I raced to the pool, awaiting your reply/call. It was cold and chilly, but I sat and waited for the reply that never arrived. It was 4 am when I finally gave up and trudged back to my abode.
4) Repeated Excuses -
Over the next few days (and weeks), you'd text me with reasons of not calling. I fail to comprehend as to why you'd broach the subject and yet avoid it in a single deft stroke.
5) California -
And then you left.I thought you'd boarded the plane alone. There was I, naive and silly as always, feeling awful about everything while remaining blissfully unaware that it was scarcely a concern of yours.
6) Silence -
Unlike your past missions and trips, silence permeates this juncture. Have You forgotten me, Daniel? After all this time?
"....if want Dank, just call k? -HuG-" That was in 2005.
2013. Perhaps this time, you're gone for good.
And all the questions that bombard my faculty of mind as to why You'd deliver happiness in November 2012 and yet, make a swift exit by December 2012.
You will always be The One.
But This Boy, is the Boy I will never have.
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