The Imperfect Perfectionist
Often, I complete tasks with an "it's all or nothing" attitude and I relish in what I do best with passion and zeal. I would not participate in anything unless I am sure of a win. I used to write essays at the very last minute, knowing that I will get nothing short of an A. I'm not the sort who can work through the night, and normally, I would set the deadline of completion at 2am. With nothing concrete to start with, I would furiously filter through notes and sources, map out key ideas in a concept map, type the essay and re-edit it at least thrice, sometimes rewriting entire paragraphs. These would be jam-packed in a few hours and immense satisfaction arose from that stressful period. If I tried to start work earlier, the streak of competition, albeit a silly race against time, would be absent and thus, the completed essay would not be of a desired quality and I would edit it repeatedly till I was satisfied.
Perfectionists, like me, are extremists for we apply a broad dogmatic approach to all matters. Take for example the case of a tutor who once doubted that my essay was authentic and gave me a 'D'. In her words, it was "flawless and it couldn't have been written by a student." I was furious and took this matter to the dean. So vehement was I in proving my innocence that I challenged the tutor to sit with me for a few hours. I could produce any essay of the same quality. Moreover, she could check with my Literature, Psychology & English tutors on the consistency of my essays. This was turned down by the tutor, who reiterated that if I handed in a fresh essay, she would give me a better grade. Naturally angered at the insult, I told her that I did not need her grade to get an overall "A" at the end of the semester. Fury spurred me on and I secured an "A" for that module eventually. Subsequently, she was dismissed in the near future. It reeked of arrogance but I was determined not to be maligned. The perfectionist in me would not have allowed it. If it had been a subject that I had no inclination towards, for example, IT or Science, I would have accepted it.
With age, I am trying to mellow and dilute my feisty nature but the innate streak is hard to overcome. Family culture has a part to play as well. Mum instilled the mantra from a tender age, "If you are wrong, remain quiet and accept that you've made a mistake. But if you are right, then speak up and prove it." This resulted in a "black or white" approach to life. You were either right or wrong, left or right, up or down. There were no grey areas, no centre of alignment, no middle ground, so to speak. In other words, there's no room for negotiation.
I'm trying to work on this and be less judgmental. Ironically, I dislike being shackled and criticised, yet I can be quick to point out faults. I can spend hours just choosing the right shade of brown for my curtains. I can search for hours and ring up bookstores till I get that novel by David Wong Louie which is not available in Singapore. At work, I would always go beyond what is required just to reap verbal rewards in areas that I am best at. To prove a point, I had single-handedly organised a major school event for more than 1000 pupils without a colleague chipping in to help. Sometimes, these are the silly things which pile on unnecesaary stress.
Teach me to be positive. My learning curve is on the rise. I need to learn to take a deep breath and realise that sometimes, I don't need to be the star. I need to release the claws that latch on with a refusal to let go. Recently, I've been extremely anti-social and withdrawn, avoiding everyone whom I know, even at work. The only social event I participated in was having friends over for Chinese New Year. Things got so bad that some of my friends thought I had gone missing as I refused to answer any call nor reply any SMS. My defense mechanism was automatically triggered due to certain events that left me devastated.
You cannot tell what I am thinking nor feeling because I will never allow myself to be perceived as weak. I'm always laughing and joking because I don't want you to think little of me. It's a false perception that life is perfect on my side. I need to let go of that irrational belief. Teach me to open up and draw closer to others. I wish I could be as honest and candid as some of you, without having the need to bolster and prop up the pretty pillows.Mich would like to lay down, rest her laurels and discard all notions of false pretence from now on.
Perfectionism
· Do you feel like what you accomplish is never quite good enough?
· Do you often put off turning in papers or projects, waiting to get them just right?
· Do you feel you must give more than 100 percent on everything you do or else you will be mediocre or even a failure?
Perfectionism refers to a set of self-defeating thoughts and behaviors aimed at reaching excessively high unrealistic goals. Perfectionism is often mistakenly seen in our society as desirable or even necessary for success. However, recent studies have shown that perfectionistic attitudes actually interfere with success. The desire to be perfect can both rob you of a sense of personal satisfaction and cause you to fail to achieve as much as people who have more realistic strivings.
Causes of Perfectionism
If you are a perfectionist, it is likely that you learned early in life that other people valued you because of how much you accomplished or achieved. As a result you may have learned to value yourself only on the basis of other people's approval. Thus your self-esteem may have come to be based primarily on external standards. This can leave you vulnerable and excessively sensitive to the opinions and criticism of others. In attempting to protect yourself from such criticism, you may decide that being perfect is your only defense.
The following negative feelings, thoughts, and beliefs may be associated with perfectionism:
· Fear of failure. Perfectionists often equate failure to achieve their goals with a lack of personal worth or value.
· Fear of making mistakes. Perfectionists often equate mistakes with failure. In orienting their lives around avoiding mistakes, perfectionists miss opportunities to learn and grow.
· Fear of disapproval. If they let others see their flaws, perfectionists often fear that they will no longer be accepted. Trying to be perfect is a way of trying to protect themselves from criticism, rejection, and disapproval.
· All-or-none thinking. Perfectionists frequently believe that they are worthless if their accomplishments are not perfect. Perfectionists have difficulty seeing situations in perspective. For example, a straight As student who receives a B might believe "I am a total failure."
· Overemphasis on "should"s. Perfectionists' lives are often structured by an endless list of "should"s that serve as rigid rules for how their lives must be led. With such an overemphasis on shoulds, perfectionists rarely take into account their own wants and desires.
· Believing that others are easily successful. Perfectionists tend to perceive others as achieving success with a minimum of effort, few errors, emotional stress, and maximum self-confidence. At the same time, perfectionists view their own efforts as unending and forever inadequate.
The Vicious Cycle of Perfectionism
Perfectionistic attitudes set in motion a vicious cycle.
1) First, perfectionists set unreachable goals.
2) Second, they fail to meet these goals because the goals were impossible to begin with. Failure to reach them was thus inevitable.
3) Third, the constant pressure to achieve perfection and the inevitable chronic failure reduce productivity and effectiveness.
4) Fourth, this cycle leads perfectionists to be self-critical and self-blaming which results in lower self-esteem. It may also lead to anxiety and depression. At this point perfectionists may give up completely on their goals and set different goals thinking, "This time if only I try harder I will succeed."
Such thinking sets the entire cycle in motion again.
This vicious cycle can be illustrated by looking at a way in which perfectionists often deal with interpersonal relationships. Perfectionists tend to anticipate or fear disapproval and rejection from those around them. Given such fear, perfectionists may react defensively to criticism and in doing so frustrate and alienate others. Without realizing it, perfectionists may also apply their unrealistically high standards to others, becoming critical and demanding of them. Furthermore, perfectionists may avoid letting others see their mistakes, not realizing that self-disclosure allows others to perceive them as more human and thus more likeable. Because of this vicious cycle, perfectionists often have difficulty being close to people and therefore have less than satisfactory interpersonal relationships.
Perfectionists, like me, are extremists for we apply a broad dogmatic approach to all matters. Take for example the case of a tutor who once doubted that my essay was authentic and gave me a 'D'. In her words, it was "flawless and it couldn't have been written by a student." I was furious and took this matter to the dean. So vehement was I in proving my innocence that I challenged the tutor to sit with me for a few hours. I could produce any essay of the same quality. Moreover, she could check with my Literature, Psychology & English tutors on the consistency of my essays. This was turned down by the tutor, who reiterated that if I handed in a fresh essay, she would give me a better grade. Naturally angered at the insult, I told her that I did not need her grade to get an overall "A" at the end of the semester. Fury spurred me on and I secured an "A" for that module eventually. Subsequently, she was dismissed in the near future. It reeked of arrogance but I was determined not to be maligned. The perfectionist in me would not have allowed it. If it had been a subject that I had no inclination towards, for example, IT or Science, I would have accepted it.
With age, I am trying to mellow and dilute my feisty nature but the innate streak is hard to overcome. Family culture has a part to play as well. Mum instilled the mantra from a tender age, "If you are wrong, remain quiet and accept that you've made a mistake. But if you are right, then speak up and prove it." This resulted in a "black or white" approach to life. You were either right or wrong, left or right, up or down. There were no grey areas, no centre of alignment, no middle ground, so to speak. In other words, there's no room for negotiation.
I'm trying to work on this and be less judgmental. Ironically, I dislike being shackled and criticised, yet I can be quick to point out faults. I can spend hours just choosing the right shade of brown for my curtains. I can search for hours and ring up bookstores till I get that novel by David Wong Louie which is not available in Singapore. At work, I would always go beyond what is required just to reap verbal rewards in areas that I am best at. To prove a point, I had single-handedly organised a major school event for more than 1000 pupils without a colleague chipping in to help. Sometimes, these are the silly things which pile on unnecesaary stress.
Teach me to be positive. My learning curve is on the rise. I need to learn to take a deep breath and realise that sometimes, I don't need to be the star. I need to release the claws that latch on with a refusal to let go. Recently, I've been extremely anti-social and withdrawn, avoiding everyone whom I know, even at work. The only social event I participated in was having friends over for Chinese New Year. Things got so bad that some of my friends thought I had gone missing as I refused to answer any call nor reply any SMS. My defense mechanism was automatically triggered due to certain events that left me devastated.
You cannot tell what I am thinking nor feeling because I will never allow myself to be perceived as weak. I'm always laughing and joking because I don't want you to think little of me. It's a false perception that life is perfect on my side. I need to let go of that irrational belief. Teach me to open up and draw closer to others. I wish I could be as honest and candid as some of you, without having the need to bolster and prop up the pretty pillows.Mich would like to lay down, rest her laurels and discard all notions of false pretence from now on.
Perfectionism
· Do you feel like what you accomplish is never quite good enough?
· Do you often put off turning in papers or projects, waiting to get them just right?
· Do you feel you must give more than 100 percent on everything you do or else you will be mediocre or even a failure?
Perfectionism refers to a set of self-defeating thoughts and behaviors aimed at reaching excessively high unrealistic goals. Perfectionism is often mistakenly seen in our society as desirable or even necessary for success. However, recent studies have shown that perfectionistic attitudes actually interfere with success. The desire to be perfect can both rob you of a sense of personal satisfaction and cause you to fail to achieve as much as people who have more realistic strivings.
Causes of Perfectionism
If you are a perfectionist, it is likely that you learned early in life that other people valued you because of how much you accomplished or achieved. As a result you may have learned to value yourself only on the basis of other people's approval. Thus your self-esteem may have come to be based primarily on external standards. This can leave you vulnerable and excessively sensitive to the opinions and criticism of others. In attempting to protect yourself from such criticism, you may decide that being perfect is your only defense.
The following negative feelings, thoughts, and beliefs may be associated with perfectionism:
· Fear of failure. Perfectionists often equate failure to achieve their goals with a lack of personal worth or value.
· Fear of making mistakes. Perfectionists often equate mistakes with failure. In orienting their lives around avoiding mistakes, perfectionists miss opportunities to learn and grow.
· Fear of disapproval. If they let others see their flaws, perfectionists often fear that they will no longer be accepted. Trying to be perfect is a way of trying to protect themselves from criticism, rejection, and disapproval.
· All-or-none thinking. Perfectionists frequently believe that they are worthless if their accomplishments are not perfect. Perfectionists have difficulty seeing situations in perspective. For example, a straight As student who receives a B might believe "I am a total failure."
· Overemphasis on "should"s. Perfectionists' lives are often structured by an endless list of "should"s that serve as rigid rules for how their lives must be led. With such an overemphasis on shoulds, perfectionists rarely take into account their own wants and desires.
· Believing that others are easily successful. Perfectionists tend to perceive others as achieving success with a minimum of effort, few errors, emotional stress, and maximum self-confidence. At the same time, perfectionists view their own efforts as unending and forever inadequate.
The Vicious Cycle of Perfectionism
Perfectionistic attitudes set in motion a vicious cycle.
1) First, perfectionists set unreachable goals.
2) Second, they fail to meet these goals because the goals were impossible to begin with. Failure to reach them was thus inevitable.
3) Third, the constant pressure to achieve perfection and the inevitable chronic failure reduce productivity and effectiveness.
4) Fourth, this cycle leads perfectionists to be self-critical and self-blaming which results in lower self-esteem. It may also lead to anxiety and depression. At this point perfectionists may give up completely on their goals and set different goals thinking, "This time if only I try harder I will succeed."
Such thinking sets the entire cycle in motion again.
This vicious cycle can be illustrated by looking at a way in which perfectionists often deal with interpersonal relationships. Perfectionists tend to anticipate or fear disapproval and rejection from those around them. Given such fear, perfectionists may react defensively to criticism and in doing so frustrate and alienate others. Without realizing it, perfectionists may also apply their unrealistically high standards to others, becoming critical and demanding of them. Furthermore, perfectionists may avoid letting others see their mistakes, not realizing that self-disclosure allows others to perceive them as more human and thus more likeable. Because of this vicious cycle, perfectionists often have difficulty being close to people and therefore have less than satisfactory interpersonal relationships.
posted by whimsical_fantasies at 12:53 PM
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