That Which I've Kept To Myself All These Years.

This song evoked pangs of emotions. It made me reflect on my own life and all the stupid mistakes I've made along the way, with only Mum for her ceaseless support. Mum and I have a very strong bond forged because Dad left one day without a word & I had to learn how to balance the books at 20.

To be honest, Pa, I think of you sometimes. I don't know where you are. I've seen you a few times. I've confronted you twice. I've ignored you on other occasions. You never played your part as a father. Blood is thicker than water but I cannot bring myself to forgive you. Maybe I never will. You don't exist in my life anymore. Where were you when everything happened? Where were you when I made all the sacrifices? Where were you when I received prize after prize as I grew up? You never made an effort to show up. I was never good enough to you despite striving to be number one and eventually, I gave up trying.

I hate you, Pa.

I hate you for leaving such a big void and I've been seeking to fill that void at all the wrong places. And it's all because I yearn for the validation that you never gave me. I bear the crap that people throw at me just for a second of attention. Because of something I yearn to have and never had, I thrive for a moment of happiness even though it is suffixed with an avalanche of tears.

Thank God for Mummy. I am humanised because of all the love Mummy has given me. To compensate for your mistakes, she has lavished every ounce of love on me. Although she cannot reverse the psychological damage, she has bandaged my wounds with her love. And that is something that you can never measure up to.

Pa, when you grow old one day and decide to return, my door is closed to you.
Don't even try to knock.

Il Divo - Mama
Mama thank you for who I am
Thank you for all the things I'm not
Forgive me for the words unsaid
And for the timesI forgot
Mama remember all my life
You showed me love,you sacrificed

Think of those young and early days
How I've changed
Along the way (along the way)

Bridge:
And I know you believed
And I know you had dreams
And I'm sorry it took all this time to see
That I am where I am because of your truth
And I miss you , I miss you

Mama forgive the times you cried
Forgive me for not making right
All of the storms I may have caused
And I've been wrong
Dry your eyes (dry your eyes)

Bridge :
Cause I know you ....
Mama I hope this makes you smile
I hope you're happy with my life
At peace with every choice I made
How I've changed
Along the way (along the way)
Cause I know you believed in all of my dreams
And I owe it all to you ,mama