You Never Knew Me.

You never took the time to know me

You never took the time to understand

You never took the time to know me

[ Akon ]

Fighting, against nobody but myself.
A subject I had buried for good.

You don't know how much I'd suffered in silence because of you. You'll never know how many hours were drenched in tears, burying myself under the covers, with a pillow clenched between my teeth lest my bolstered sanctuary was discovered. You'll never see my aimless stares at the wall, with images running through my head. You'll never realize how desperate I was to get a grip that I found my feet stepping into the empty church hall and there I sat in stony silence, praying with tears down my cheeks. Nobody knew I entered. Nobody saw me leaving. God gave me privacy in my own right.

Nobody knew of my struggles. I hid it well, I would say. The stronger the facade, the worse the reality. In truth, I could chortle and guffaw with a twinkle in my eye while languishing internally. It was a skill I'd mastered to perfection, a Teflon shield in full view.

You don't know how I'd waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
In vain.

It took a lot for me to pull myself together (and Alex's 24/7 hotline, that's kept me alive, literally.) .

Recently, I am finally happy. I'd let the past go.

Entrenchment in the cycle is the last thing on my mind. Fear. Yes, I fear too. I'm afraid to experience the emptiness again. Yet, you know that I'm not one who'd say no. Is that a positive trait or my perpetual weakness?

Many a time, words were at the tip of my tongue, but knowing jolly well that it'd do us no good, I plastered a silent smile instead. You think you know me. You think I am who you think I am.

You never knew me.