Fact Is Stranger Than Fiction
By golly, this was actual news around the world. Sheesh!
How they didn’t start off this newscast with an untoward intro like “Is Big Foot getting handsy?” or “Talk about a sexual predator!” is beyond me. Although when you think about it, blaming everything on an imaginary creature no one can locate is a pretty smart defense. Your wife can’t argue with that lipstick on your collar when you tell her it came from the Easter Bunny, can she.
Priceless Quote: “I have a few that claimed abuse, but never by a mythical creature.”
And you thought you had it bad after hitting that roadside taco stand. Two years in the bathroom. Eating meals, sleeping, celebrating Christmas -- all in your trailer’s commode. At some point (like day 468 maybe) aren’t you just like, “Maybe I should see what’s going on in a different room today. Soap, shower curtain, bath mat -- yup, I think I’ve got this room figured out.” Bonus Unbelievable Grossness: I’m going out on a limb and guessing that that isn’t a two-bathroom trailer -- begging the question, where did her boyfriend do is business?
Priceless Quote: “I told her whether she walks or rolls out of the hospital, she’s gonna be home with me and I’m gonna take care of her.”
I cried just as hard as the next guy at March of the Penguins, but when I think of knights I think of men dressed in armor gallantly protecting innocent maidens with swords and lances on the backs of their trusty steeds. And surprisingly, the key word there is “men.”
Priceless Quote: “...we being well satisfied with loyalty, courage, and good endowment of our trusty and well-beloved Neils Olaf and proposing entire trust and confidence in you, as a penguin, in every way qualified to receive the honor and dignity of knighthood.” (Cue Neils pooping on street.)
I guess the Republicans were right: It starts with same-sex marriage, and before you know it people are screwing their patio furniture. In his defense, it seems like a really nice table; but what happens when the table gets tired of giving it up so easy and it wants to be taken out on a proper date? Can you show up at a restaurant with your own table? This is clearly a more complex issue than the liberals make it out to be.
Priceless Quote: “Once you think you’ve seen it all, something else comes round.” (See: Reach around. Zing!)
Get a leg up? Law and odor? Fueling debate? They certainly didn’t drop the ball on this story’s pun potential. Plus all that stock video of people’s butts as they’re walking down the street went to good use. But it was a bit disappointing that they couldn’t land some pundits to debate the issue. Who wouldn’t want to hear Keith Olberman say, “If fanning your flatulence on someone is a crime, then Sean Hannity should be arrested every time he opens his mouth.”
Priceless Quote: “Would you not consider that to be chemical warfare?” (Well played.)
Source : Esquire
Man Charges Bigfoot With Molestation
How they didn’t start off this newscast with an untoward intro like “Is Big Foot getting handsy?” or “Talk about a sexual predator!” is beyond me. Although when you think about it, blaming everything on an imaginary creature no one can locate is a pretty smart defense. Your wife can’t argue with that lipstick on your collar when you tell her it came from the Easter Bunny, can she.
Priceless Quote: “I have a few that claimed abuse, but never by a mythical creature.”
Woman Stuck on Toilet for a Month
And you thought you had it bad after hitting that roadside taco stand. Two years in the bathroom. Eating meals, sleeping, celebrating Christmas -- all in your trailer’s commode. At some point (like day 468 maybe) aren’t you just like, “Maybe I should see what’s going on in a different room today. Soap, shower curtain, bath mat -- yup, I think I’ve got this room figured out.” Bonus Unbelievable Grossness: I’m going out on a limb and guessing that that isn’t a two-bathroom trailer -- begging the question, where did her boyfriend do is business?
Priceless Quote: “I told her whether she walks or rolls out of the hospital, she’s gonna be home with me and I’m gonna take care of her.”
Penguin Knighted
I cried just as hard as the next guy at March of the Penguins, but when I think of knights I think of men dressed in armor gallantly protecting innocent maidens with swords and lances on the backs of their trusty steeds. And surprisingly, the key word there is “men.”
Priceless Quote: “...we being well satisfied with loyalty, courage, and good endowment of our trusty and well-beloved Neils Olaf and proposing entire trust and confidence in you, as a penguin, in every way qualified to receive the honor and dignity of knighthood.” (Cue Neils pooping on street.)
Man Caught Having Sex With Table
I guess the Republicans were right: It starts with same-sex marriage, and before you know it people are screwing their patio furniture. In his defense, it seems like a really nice table; but what happens when the table gets tired of giving it up so easy and it wants to be taken out on a proper date? Can you show up at a restaurant with your own table? This is clearly a more complex issue than the liberals make it out to be.
Priceless Quote: “Once you think you’ve seen it all, something else comes round.” (See: Reach around. Zing!)
Police Arrest Man for Passing Gas
Get a leg up? Law and odor? Fueling debate? They certainly didn’t drop the ball on this story’s pun potential. Plus all that stock video of people’s butts as they’re walking down the street went to good use. But it was a bit disappointing that they couldn’t land some pundits to debate the issue. Who wouldn’t want to hear Keith Olberman say, “If fanning your flatulence on someone is a crime, then Sean Hannity should be arrested every time he opens his mouth.”
Priceless Quote: “Would you not consider that to be chemical warfare?” (Well played.)
Source : Esquire
posted by whimsical_fantasies at 4:36 AM
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