The First : Splurge to Purge

So, September has had its fair share of Day Ones.

But 2013's different.

I went out and practically bought the entire boutique along Orchard Road.

No, it wasn't done at a whim.

It was a conscious decision to be rid of a portion of my old clothes. A wardrobe change would do me good.

I've been hoarding these loins, worn & unworn (with price tags attached!), since adolescence. While numerous items with designer labels have been given away when I was 20, a large part tarries in the depths of my closet. This is due to the emotional attachment affixed on each item.

Because books and clothes form my identity, I've been quite the hoarder of pulp. *Gulp*

Thus, if I can let go of these clothes, I will learn to let go of the past.

It is ritualistic in a sense - the tangible loosening of one's grip on physical entities will lay the ground for the paradigm shift in mindsets, which is the crux.

I don't have to.

But I want to.

9 years is enough.

I've waited (and wilted) thus far.

It's enough.

You cannot keep me as someone to bolster your ego, someone You'd run to when you need comfort, someone You know who'd always be there, someone who'd give her all for You.

I love You.

You know jolly well that I do.

But I cannot allow this to be exploited at my expense.

I've allowed You to hide my existence and wallow in silence, not knowing when You'd return.

I thought, no, believed that You'd loved me too, at least in the past.

9 years is a whisker away from a decade.

How many decades punctuate one's life? Not many, I'm afraid. Of 3 that have passed, 1 has been solely devoted to You. That's one-third of my life.

November & December 2012 were months that I'd foolishly believed It would be so. Never mind ____. I knew it would be transient. Because You'd chosen to keep me around & went out of Your way to do certain things despite ____.

I don't want to be bitter.

I don't wish to be saddled with misery.

I don't like tearing on a daily basis.

That is not Living.

I want to be Happy.

I'd hoped so much that I could grow old with You.

I'd wanted to make amends so badly for The Choice.

In fact, tears cloud my vision at this moment as I type furiously within these parameters.

I'd wished that if I could not have spent my youth with You, then I would ebb away into my silvered years with You.

This naive thought has translated into flickers of Joy that were doused with Fears & Tears.

So, You see,

By emptying my closet,

I'd be able to fill my heart with Happiness once again.

It may not be what I want,

But at the very least, the tears will come to a halt.

As expounded in my scrawls elsewhere that evoked Your response,Shit Happens.

You know my drill -

It's up to ME to clean up MY mess.