And So It Is.

:: Tuesday ::
The previous post had unfurled that which festered deep within as I lay in bed. Tears disappeared into my pillow and I drifted off to sleep, exhausted from the emotional drain.

:: Wednesday ::
We had contact. It took me by surprise as the previous exchange had been in August 2013 as I flew to Sydney.

Yet here You were tonight. Oceans apart, my night was Your day.

At 2AM, Your words unnerved me. In return for the inane remark that I'd been terribly busy, You countered, "Yes, I have seen your nice meals with ______ and your busyness also." 

I certainly hadn't expected that swift and sardonic blow. Silence permeated for a long while before I could even muster, "I actually don't know what to say to that."

You replied grimly, "No need to say anything."

This looming tension threatened to pull the plug on our conversation.

Vacillating memories of that night in December 2012 took precedence as we faced each other and I blurted, "Sorry that I hadn't told You that I was going to ________." and Your reply had been of a similar fashion, "No need to apologize."

Here you were, articulating these words that I've only heard but twice. And twice, they had been about _____.

Thankfully, our banter resumed thereafter.

Gingerly, I mentioned that which You'd given me for my birthday in November 2012. Apprehension gnawed as I didn't quite know if it would disrupt the momentum up till then. You made me laugh with Your reply.

The minutes went by, and then an hour. Soon, I had to go, albeit reluctantly.

It hadn't been the full disclosure that I had hoped for, yet I was in happy tears.

For it dispelled the notion that it had been my imagination/hallucination/etc. I had been repressing and dismissing everything in 2013 as sheer Coincidence.

For the first time in 9 years since we've landed ourselves in this tangle, I felt a peaceful lilt in my heart.

It wasn't The Closure, but it assuaged the pain.

For it affirmed everything - of Devonshire 2005, of December 2012, of this given moment.

What mattered was not The Answer. 

It was not knowing that eroded me - of the Hows, Whys, What Ifs and If Onlys.

Ever since You flew across the oceans a year ago, I've struggled to make sense of it all. A smile with genuine joy has eluded me. I have not experienced it.

But tonight , I did.

Thank You. =)