And So It Is.

:: Tuesday ::
The previous post had unfurled that which festered deep within as I lay in bed. Tears disappeared into my pillow and I drifted off to sleep, exhausted from the emotional drain.

:: Wednesday ::
We had contact. It took me by surprise as the previous exchange had been in August 2013 as I flew to Sydney.

Yet here You were tonight. Oceans apart, my night was Your day.

At 2AM, Your words unnerved me. In return for the inane remark that I'd been terribly busy, You countered, "Yes, I have seen your nice meals with ______ and your busyness also." 

I certainly hadn't expected that swift and sardonic blow. Silence permeated for a long while before I could even muster, "I actually don't know what to say to that."

You replied grimly, "No need to say anything."

This looming tension threatened to pull the plug on our conversation.

Vacillating memories of that night in December 2012 took precedence as we faced each other and I blurted, "Sorry that I hadn't told You that I was going to ________." and Your reply had been of a similar fashion, "No need to apologize."

Here you were, articulating these words that I've only heard but twice. And twice, they had been about _____.

Thankfully, our banter resumed thereafter.

Gingerly, I mentioned that which You'd given me for my birthday in November 2012. Apprehension gnawed as I didn't quite know if it would disrupt the momentum up till then. You made me laugh with Your reply.

The minutes went by, and then an hour. Soon, I had to go, albeit reluctantly.

It hadn't been the full disclosure that I had hoped for, yet I was in happy tears.

For it dispelled the notion that it had been my imagination/hallucination/etc. I had been repressing and dismissing everything in 2013 as sheer Coincidence.

For the first time in 9 years since we've landed ourselves in this tangle, I felt a peaceful lilt in my heart.

It wasn't The Closure, but it assuaged the pain.

For it affirmed everything - of Devonshire 2005, of December 2012, of this given moment.

What mattered was not The Answer. 

It was not knowing that eroded me - of the Hows, Whys, What Ifs and If Onlys.

Ever since You flew across the oceans a year ago, I've struggled to make sense of it all. A smile with genuine joy has eluded me. I have not experienced it.

But tonight , I did.

Thank You. =)

Waxing Lyrical.

Deceivingly catchy, this duet left me morose with its accompanying lyrics.
It gnaws at my frail frame, for its resemblance to what has transpired between us is uncanny.

"你在我的面前微笑 装不知道
With a smile, you pretend to be oblivious.
其实你告白的简讯 我有收到
Actually, I'd received your text.
为何你 爱要晚到
Why did your love arrive too late?
只能像朋友般拥抱
We can only hug under the guise of friendship.

用记忆在对你拍照 让人难熬
Ruminating on encapsulated moments and our pictures leaves me wretched.
其实我对于你的好 也曾动摇
I'd grown to love the Good that was You.
为何你 爱要晚到
Why did You arrive too late?
对的人 不对的时间 却放不掉
The Right person appeared at the wrong time. However, I've yet to let You go."

********************************************************************

For those who'd like the lyrics in its entirety, you'd love to commit this to memory. :)

(周)眼看着手机里 没讯号
担心你的回信 我收不到
哪怕只传来一个 微笑的符号
我都会舍不得 删掉

(袁)电台传来天气 的预报
想起你为我遮雨 的外套

(合)客厅的电视播放 偶像剧频道
羡慕他们为爱 在争吵

(周) 你在我的面前微笑 装不知道
(袁) 其实你告白的简讯 我有收到
(周) 你说我 爱太晚到 / (袁) 为何你 爱要晚到
(合) 只能像朋友般拥抱 Yeah~

(周) 你说他的用心付出 比我早到
(袁) 对你的温柔只能放 心里收好
(周) 你说我 爱太晚到 / (袁) 为何你 爱要晚到
(合) 怎么做 我们彼此才 不会伤到

(周) 我记得你爱喝的饮料 (袁) 的饮料
(周) 也排队买你爱吃的面包 (袁) 的面包
(周) 却只能对你远远 的会心一笑 (袁) 的会心一笑
(周) 连你的手都牵不到

(袁) 你说你有多的电影票 (周) Yeah~
(周) 你知道 (袁) 事情没有 (合) 那么巧
(袁) 但很窝心的是你怕我无聊 / (周) 但很窝心的是我怕你无聊
(袁) 你比他清楚我的心跳 / (周) 我比他清楚你的心跳

(周) 你在我的面前微笑 装不知道
(袁) 其实你告白的简讯 我有收到
(周) 你说我 爱太晚到 / (袁) 为何你 爱要晚到
(合) 只能像朋友般 拥抱 Yeah~

(周) 你说他的用心付出 比我早到
(袁) 对你的温柔只能放 心里收好
(周) 你说我 爱太晚到 / (袁) 为何你 爱要晚到
(合) 怎么做 我们彼此才 不会伤到

(周) 你在我的面前微笑 装不知道
(袁) 他没有不好只是话 越聊越少
(周) 你说我 爱太晚到 / (袁) 为何你 爱要晚到
(合) 错过了幸福的味道 Yeah~

(周) 用记忆在对你拍照 让人难熬
(袁) 其实我对于你的好 也曾动摇
(周) 你说我 爱太晚到 / (袁) 为何你 爱要晚到
(合) 对的人 不对的时间 却放不掉

Noteworthy.

I saw it.

Why?

I no longer want to ask myself that question that has plagued me all these years.

If You'd wanted me, You'd have stopped me.

If I'd meant that much to You, You would have said a word.

2005.
2006.
2007.
2008.
2009.
2010.
2011.
2012.
2013.

I've traded 9 years for a burning question that I'd buried within. They said that the answer was clear, that You did. Your actions clearly indicated that You did.

When I tried to nonchalantly claim that it could very well be doe-eyed friendship, I was met with mock admonishment and loads of eye-rolling. "It's been 9 years and you know that both of you are not letting go."

I knew that You knew. You knew that I knew that You knew.

Of course You did.

But we had to pretend that nothing was going on.

You knew I had that on the tip of my tongue just before You left in December 2012.

You knew that as we stood face to face on that very night, it was then that I finally let my guard down. I told You I was afraid that You'd disappear henceforth but You laughed and promised that You wouldn't.

I missed Your text when You asked if I were still awake at 2am and if that You should call me. I replied half an hour later and waited by the pool for the call that never came.

I was crushed.

Up till that point, I could accept that I was to be hidden. I knew that IT would not last because You were still hanging onto me, albeit shrouded in secrecy.

Yet, You left without THE call.

I cannot allow my scabs to be picked on constantly, or I'd never heal.

I am as strong as my mind wants to be.

It is up to ME to change my life.

So dear You, I love You very much.

Minutes ago, I saw what You'd written in the note & I wept bitterly.

Why?

I gave You 9 years but 'twas in vain.

Why now, when I've chosen to let go?