And So It Is.

:: Tuesday ::
The previous post had unfurled that which festered deep within as I lay in bed. Tears disappeared into my pillow and I drifted off to sleep, exhausted from the emotional drain.

:: Wednesday ::
We had contact. It took me by surprise as the previous exchange had been in August 2013 as I flew to Sydney.

Yet here You were tonight. Oceans apart, my night was Your day.

At 2AM, Your words unnerved me. In return for the inane remark that I'd been terribly busy, You countered, "Yes, I have seen your nice meals with ______ and your busyness also." 

I certainly hadn't expected that swift and sardonic blow. Silence permeated for a long while before I could even muster, "I actually don't know what to say to that."

You replied grimly, "No need to say anything."

This looming tension threatened to pull the plug on our conversation.

Vacillating memories of that night in December 2012 took precedence as we faced each other and I blurted, "Sorry that I hadn't told You that I was going to ________." and Your reply had been of a similar fashion, "No need to apologize."

Here you were, articulating these words that I've only heard but twice. And twice, they had been about _____.

Thankfully, our banter resumed thereafter.

Gingerly, I mentioned that which You'd given me for my birthday in November 2012. Apprehension gnawed as I didn't quite know if it would disrupt the momentum up till then. You made me laugh with Your reply.

The minutes went by, and then an hour. Soon, I had to go, albeit reluctantly.

It hadn't been the full disclosure that I had hoped for, yet I was in happy tears.

For it dispelled the notion that it had been my imagination/hallucination/etc. I had been repressing and dismissing everything in 2013 as sheer Coincidence.

For the first time in 9 years since we've landed ourselves in this tangle, I felt a peaceful lilt in my heart.

It wasn't The Closure, but it assuaged the pain.

For it affirmed everything - of Devonshire 2005, of December 2012, of this given moment.

What mattered was not The Answer. 

It was not knowing that eroded me - of the Hows, Whys, What Ifs and If Onlys.

Ever since You flew across the oceans a year ago, I've struggled to make sense of it all. A smile with genuine joy has eluded me. I have not experienced it.

But tonight , I did.

Thank You. =)

Not for Nought.

Wheedle nought to make amends.

Yes, I cried when I read Your scrawls of a similar fashion a while ago.

Words cleverly weaved that I'd sieved instantly.

Why? Why now?

You broke me when You left without The Call in December 2012.

Did You know how upset I was?

There was I, clutching my phone in my hand and reading the message you'd sent hours after we'd parted ways at 2 AM, "Are you still awake? Want me to call you?" and muttering to myself that the phone would ring.

I missed it and only replied at 2.30AM. I rushed to the pool and waited in the cold till 4AM before trudging back to my abode.

Do You know why I'd missed your text?

I was bawling for I was convinced that I'd lost You after parting ways with you at 8PM.

• I told myself that when You promised You wouldn't disappear, I would take it to be the reverse, that I'd never see You again.

• You said that You'd bring the lil tank I'd crafted and pack the medicine with You despite your limited luggage space. I told myself that You were being polite and not to take it literally.

• When I laughed and teased You on how to outdo yourself for my next Birthday, perhaps on Your ship, You replied in jest that a river cruise would be more permissible but You'd be broke and feast on kaya toast thereafter. I told myself not to be stupid and take it as a tangible promise.

So yes, that was why I was bawling and did not notice Your text.

And You never gave me The Call that would have answered everything.

All I wanted was a tangible word,

One which I'd traded 9 years for, albeit in vain.

I was willing to be shrouded in secrecy, to turn a blind eye because I knew that it would not be for long.

Dear You, I know that the night of Devonshire in 2005 marked the pivotal change. I know that it was MY FAULT that I'd let You down with _____.

If You've been struggling with pain ever since, know that it is far worse on my end, for You were the Boy that I'd finally known after a decade of excessive shyness on my end but never did I expect it yet another decade would transpire with us in this mangled mess.

I'd rather attribute Everything to sheer Coincidence than to live with yet another day of hope, that perhaps It would be Tomorrow.

3000+ Tomorrows over a span of 9 years.

And still, You would not say.

Let that be Enough.

"Dainty lashes of each to preen,
Reflecting that which could have been."

Noteworthy.

I saw it.

Why?

I no longer want to ask myself that question that has plagued me all these years.

If You'd wanted me, You'd have stopped me.

If I'd meant that much to You, You would have said a word.

2005.
2006.
2007.
2008.
2009.
2010.
2011.
2012.
2013.

I've traded 9 years for a burning question that I'd buried within. They said that the answer was clear, that You did. Your actions clearly indicated that You did.

When I tried to nonchalantly claim that it could very well be doe-eyed friendship, I was met with mock admonishment and loads of eye-rolling. "It's been 9 years and you know that both of you are not letting go."

I knew that You knew. You knew that I knew that You knew.

Of course You did.

But we had to pretend that nothing was going on.

You knew I had that on the tip of my tongue just before You left in December 2012.

You knew that as we stood face to face on that very night, it was then that I finally let my guard down. I told You I was afraid that You'd disappear henceforth but You laughed and promised that You wouldn't.

I missed Your text when You asked if I were still awake at 2am and if that You should call me. I replied half an hour later and waited by the pool for the call that never came.

I was crushed.

Up till that point, I could accept that I was to be hidden. I knew that IT would not last because You were still hanging onto me, albeit shrouded in secrecy.

Yet, You left without THE call.

I cannot allow my scabs to be picked on constantly, or I'd never heal.

I am as strong as my mind wants to be.

It is up to ME to change my life.

So dear You, I love You very much.

Minutes ago, I saw what You'd written in the note & I wept bitterly.

Why?

I gave You 9 years but 'twas in vain.

Why now, when I've chosen to let go?