Being Chided.

"If you don't want what you have right now, give it to somebody else."
~ Friend B

And So It Is.

:: Tuesday ::
The previous post had unfurled that which festered deep within as I lay in bed. Tears disappeared into my pillow and I drifted off to sleep, exhausted from the emotional drain.

:: Wednesday ::
We had contact. It took me by surprise as the previous exchange had been in August 2013 as I flew to Sydney.

Yet here You were tonight. Oceans apart, my night was Your day.

At 2AM, Your words unnerved me. In return for the inane remark that I'd been terribly busy, You countered, "Yes, I have seen your nice meals with ______ and your busyness also." 

I certainly hadn't expected that swift and sardonic blow. Silence permeated for a long while before I could even muster, "I actually don't know what to say to that."

You replied grimly, "No need to say anything."

This looming tension threatened to pull the plug on our conversation.

Vacillating memories of that night in December 2012 took precedence as we faced each other and I blurted, "Sorry that I hadn't told You that I was going to ________." and Your reply had been of a similar fashion, "No need to apologize."

Here you were, articulating these words that I've only heard but twice. And twice, they had been about _____.

Thankfully, our banter resumed thereafter.

Gingerly, I mentioned that which You'd given me for my birthday in November 2012. Apprehension gnawed as I didn't quite know if it would disrupt the momentum up till then. You made me laugh with Your reply.

The minutes went by, and then an hour. Soon, I had to go, albeit reluctantly.

It hadn't been the full disclosure that I had hoped for, yet I was in happy tears.

For it dispelled the notion that it had been my imagination/hallucination/etc. I had been repressing and dismissing everything in 2013 as sheer Coincidence.

For the first time in 9 years since we've landed ourselves in this tangle, I felt a peaceful lilt in my heart.

It wasn't The Closure, but it assuaged the pain.

For it affirmed everything - of Devonshire 2005, of December 2012, of this given moment.

What mattered was not The Answer. 

It was not knowing that eroded me - of the Hows, Whys, What Ifs and If Onlys.

Ever since You flew across the oceans a year ago, I've struggled to make sense of it all. A smile with genuine joy has eluded me. I have not experienced it.

But tonight , I did.

Thank You. =)

Keeping Mum.

When I was 16, my form teacher engaged us in a discussion about our future.

I'd wanted to be a lawyer or a social worker.

Today, I'm neither; I'm a teacher. I love what I do and I'm very good at it.

When I was 18, I told everyone that I wanted to be married at 24.

Today, I tell my students to live their dreams and wait till 30. Having done that, 24 was way too young to have signed my life away on a legal document.

When I was 22, I dreamt of a lil Michie pottering around by the time I was 30.

Today, I'm 34.

"You're waiting for him,aren't you?" was something that a friend had queried That Night when I was 25.

When inquisitive people badger me, my convenient excuse is, "No time."

"Eeew, no," is another favourite red herring.

I dreamt of lil Michie today.

She was clad in a yellow dress and twirled around with ribbons. She covered her mouth and giggled. As I reached for her hand, she asked, "Mummy, you want me but why won't you have me?" and I woke up in tears.

I have no answer to that, lil One.

Because I want your life to be perfect and free from pain. I want every memory of yours to be Happy. You don't have to be the brightest spark or incredibly talented. All I ask is for a Happy & Healthy you. I will love you very, very much.

I had a fantastic childhood. And right now, I cannot promise you that.

So in my dreams you'll have to linger, lil One.

Until I decide to have you.

When I do, I'll never get rid of you. No, no. You'll be too precious come what may.

Erstwhile, I'm sorry.

Let That Be Enough.

My modus operandi of the week is to simply forge ahead

And be oblivious to the obvious.

First, the scrawls.
Next, the place.

It is where my heart is.

You know it, for I've told you that if I could, I'd love to live in ____.

You will not take those wonderful memories away, as much as you try to remind me of your existence.

Why do all these,

Only when I've decided to let go?

Because You do not want to lose?
Because You cannot believe that the last line of defence has thrown in the towel?
Because You regret not telling me in return?
Because You still have feelings for me?

None of this is reality, for it is mere speculation in my head.

Conjectures will remain as such so long as You continue to play this game of Coincidence : Round 263690248032.

No.

I want to be OK.

I don't want to have slivers of pure joy sandwiched between layers of agony and tears.

Love is a many splendoured thing, but shards & fragments sure ain't part of that mix.

The guise,

The pretence,

The secrecy we've I've had to endure,

The tears...

Dear You, life has got to carry on.

Mine has been on hold for 9 years,

And soon, it shall be 10 when You return.

Let that be enough.

Noteworthy.

I saw it.

Why?

I no longer want to ask myself that question that has plagued me all these years.

If You'd wanted me, You'd have stopped me.

If I'd meant that much to You, You would have said a word.

2005.
2006.
2007.
2008.
2009.
2010.
2011.
2012.
2013.

I've traded 9 years for a burning question that I'd buried within. They said that the answer was clear, that You did. Your actions clearly indicated that You did.

When I tried to nonchalantly claim that it could very well be doe-eyed friendship, I was met with mock admonishment and loads of eye-rolling. "It's been 9 years and you know that both of you are not letting go."

I knew that You knew. You knew that I knew that You knew.

Of course You did.

But we had to pretend that nothing was going on.

You knew I had that on the tip of my tongue just before You left in December 2012.

You knew that as we stood face to face on that very night, it was then that I finally let my guard down. I told You I was afraid that You'd disappear henceforth but You laughed and promised that You wouldn't.

I missed Your text when You asked if I were still awake at 2am and if that You should call me. I replied half an hour later and waited by the pool for the call that never came.

I was crushed.

Up till that point, I could accept that I was to be hidden. I knew that IT would not last because You were still hanging onto me, albeit shrouded in secrecy.

Yet, You left without THE call.

I cannot allow my scabs to be picked on constantly, or I'd never heal.

I am as strong as my mind wants to be.

It is up to ME to change my life.

So dear You, I love You very much.

Minutes ago, I saw what You'd written in the note & I wept bitterly.

Why?

I gave You 9 years but 'twas in vain.

Why now, when I've chosen to let go?

Moving On.

As long as I keep on moving,

I will get there.

Stagnation is an option, so why wager on that?

YOLO.

Make it count!

You gotta move it, move it

Tra-la-la! =)

Spare Change. =)

Dear God,

Change Me.

Change my thoughts.
Change my behaviour.
Change my words.
Change my ways.

It is up to ME to clean up MY mess.

I'm ready to be Happy. :)

Amen!!

Docking at the Airport.

She got up,
And left.

If the ship wasn't docking,
She'd fly instead.

And so,
Her shadow scurried in tandem with her coattails.

She arrived at the Airport;
The plane had just touched down.

And she smiled
As the doors parted.

Enough.

Twist,

Wring,

Snap.

Repeat ad nauseam.

After all, a tree has numerous branches,

Right?