10am

Beep.

It's 10am.

I'm still awake.

My eyes have been wide open for more than 24 hours now.

It's a new record.

Yay.

Not.

Paperweight.

Like all choral refrains carefully handpicked, the semantics of Paperweight borders on the time when I first met You to the moment I distanced myself intentionally. It relives Those Times - every word, gesture and laughter. Despite this, calcified into my consciousness are the granules from another song, "I remember the Boy, but I don't remember the tears anymore." Because I chose to be Happy.



been up all night
staring at you
wondering what's on your mind
i've been this way
with so many before
but this feels like the first time

you want the sunrise
to go back to bed
i want to make you laugh

mess up my bed with me
kick off the covers
i'm waiting
every word you say i think
i should write down
i don't want to forget
come daylight

happy to lay here
just happy to be here
i'm happy to know you
play me a song
your newest one
please leave your taste on my tongue

paperweight on my back
cover me like a blanket

mess up my bed with me
kick off the covers
i'm waiting
every word you say i think
i should write down
i don't to forget
come daylight

and no need to worry
that's wastin time
and no need to wonder
what's been on my mind
it's you
it's you

every word you say i think
i should write down
don't want to forget
come daylight

and i give up
i let you win
you win 'cause i'm not counting

you made it back
to sleep again
wonder what you're dreaming

Farewell, Geocities.

With the closure of Geocities as mentioned a few entries ago, it's goodbye to the faithful site that has hosted all my songs for this blog ever since the scribes started scrawling in 2005.

In remembrance of the final url before Geocities ceased to exist -
http://www.geocities.com/genesisgalaxy/daniel_powter_best_of_me_final.mp3

Song : Best of Me
Singer : Daniel Powter
Hosted : Beyond a year on this blog.

Geocities has hosted not just a cabinet of songs, but refrains that reflected welted emotions within.

Farewell, Geocities.

Of Sepulchral Precipitance.

In the throes of confusion, I was half inclined to disarm my composite temperament, seeking to grasp the epiphany of which rationale had been devoured.

And this was how it unfurled -

• Spontaneous supper with R at Siglap.
• While conversing, he brought up G, a girl who had caught his fancy.
• The resemblance was striking and I mentioned that G looked like W, whom R had never met.
• Out of boredom, we started listing the similarities between G and W, one of which was Copoeira.
• Suddenly, it dawned upon R that W could be within his social network as R is also heavily involved in Capoeira across the various local varsities.
• A photograph cemented our suspicions as it drew simultaneous gasps from both of us - R and W are indeed acquainted and frequently gather with those who share a love for Capoeira.

Stolid silence aside, sepulchral precipitance buoyed between R & I.

It accomplished a haphazard dispensing of otherwise latent memories.

Because of W, I am unable to exonerate the attachment to You.

Six Degrees of Separation?

The insiduous honour goes to the malicious amusement we attribute as Coincidence.

The Amygdala Whitewash.

Somehow, it triggers the repressed subconsciousness in the deep recesses of my mind.

Everything T does only reminds me of You - late night messages, morning messages, sweet words of fancy, hordes of attention, etc.

The only difference is, T's not You.

And ever since I've decided to tuck You away in order to be Happy, I've no room for another to take Your place.

Falling Apart.

• Geocities has closed. My song, which was hosted there, is no longer playing on my blog.
• The playlist hosted by Imeem is gone, thereby leaving a void.
• The ticker banner had been running for 4 years, in remembrance of The Day. In its place now is the all-too familiar x.

Is it Time?

Off The Beaten Track.

It started on 13 Nov, 12 am. (Technically, it was past 11pm on 12 Nov, but I'm rounding it up anyway.)

It's now 16 Nov, 2.20 am.

Each night, I'm being bombarded with more than 30+ messages from T. It has been 4 consecutive nights.

What drives a trusted confidante of 10 years to shed his inhibitions and confess of things which I'd never expect to be spouted by him, of all people?

I don't know.

Frankly, I'm beginning to be afraid.

Standing Still.

More than just Upset.

Me.

Just for Me.

This Day.

Turbulence Within.

Start > 13 Nov, 12am

Now > 14 Nov, 3.59 am

The slew of incoming text messages (sms) from T doesn't appear to cease its frequency.

Perturbed by his string of innuendo and blatant latter content, I lack the courage to tick T off.

T has been a close friend and confidante for a decade. He was someone I'd trusted completely.

My greatest weakness is not being able to hurt someone's feelings when it matters.

You would and should know that by now.

Will You?

I found myself asking this question in the afternoon.

Why?

I don't know.

Perhaps, it has become an annual habit.

Of Money, Internet and Death.

No, I'm not kidding.

A slew of unfortunate events has spewed in the last 6 hours.

1. A substantial amount of money (think in the brackets of 4 digits) has been lost. (Hao peng you, please don't mention this on Saturday, ok? Erm....The Man is oblivious to this. )
2. MSN Live Messenger refused my repeated attempts at logging in. 2 hours were spent in vain to rectify the problem.
3. The Daily Show with Jon Stewart & Colbert Nation with Stephen Colbert wouldn't play in my browser.
4. The gig that was to have taken place at The Location on Saturday has been cancelled as one of the drummers has died in a tragic accident. Click here to read what had transpired. Sheesh.
5. If you count an incident in the morning, Number 5 records the loss of my credit card. (This is the first incident!)

Foreboding, eh?

I don't know.

I really don't.

[ Aside : Well, on a positive note, The Location has won The Best Dining Experience. Read said article here. ]

Dear God.

God, You know what I'm going to say.

So, I'd rather not put it down in words.

God.

Dear God.

Dear, Dear God.

Lessons From Deuteronomy.

Today, I received bad news that could tip the scales on my trip to Europe.

Tomorrow, confirmation awaits.

I'm prepping myself up for The Great Disappointment.

I got on my knees, prayed and spoke to God.

This is what I received after prayer.

10 When the LORD your God brings you into the land he swore to your fathers, to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, to give you—a land with large, flourishing cities you did not build, 11 houses filled with all kinds of good things you did not provide, wells you did not dig, and vineyards and olive groves you did not plant—then when you eat and are satisfied, 12 be careful that you do not forget the LORD, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery.

13 Fear the LORD your God, serve him only and take your oaths in his name. 14 Do not follow other gods, the gods of the peoples around you; 15 for the LORD your God, who is among you, is a jealous God and his anger will burn against you, and he will destroy you from the face of the land. 16 Do not test the LORD your God as you did at Massah. 17 Be sure to keep the commands of the LORD your God and the stipulations and decrees he has given you. 18 Do what is right and good in the LORD's sight, so that it may go well with you and you may go in and take over the good land that the LORD promised on oath to your forefathers, 19 thrusting out all your enemies before you, as the LORD said.

20 In the future, when your son asks you, "What is the meaning of the stipulations, decrees and laws the LORD our God has commanded you?" 21 tell him: "We were slaves of Pharaoh in Egypt, but the LORD brought us out of Egypt with a mighty hand. 22 Before our eyes the LORD sent miraculous signs and wonders—great and terrible—upon Egypt and Pharaoh and his whole household. 23 But he brought us out from there to bring us in and give us the land that he promised on oath to our forefathers. 24 The LORD commanded us to obey all these decrees and to fear the LORD our God, so that we might always prosper and be kept alive, as is the case today. 25 And if we are careful to obey all this law before the LORD our God, as he has commanded us, that will be our righteousness." [ Deuteronomy 6: 10-25 ]

Following that, I was led to yet another passage of similar semantics.

6 Observe the commands of the LORD your God, walking in his ways and revering him. 7 For the LORD your God is bringing you into a good land—a land with streams and pools of water, with springs flowing in the valleys and hills; 8 a land with wheat and barley, vines and fig trees, pomegranates, olive oil and honey; 9 a land where bread will not be scarce and you will lack nothing; a land where the rocks are iron and you can dig copper out of the hills.

10 When you have eaten and are satisfied, praise the LORD your God for the good land he has given you. 11 Be careful that you do not forget the LORD your God, failing to observe his commands, his laws and his decrees that I am giving you this day. 12 Otherwise, when you eat and are satisfied, when you build fine houses and settle down, 13 and when your herds and flocks grow large and your silver and gold increase and all you have is multiplied, 14 then your heart will become proud and you will forget the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery. 15 He led you through the vast and dreadful desert, that thirsty and waterless land, with its venomous snakes and scorpions. He brought you water out of hard rock. 16 He gave you manna to eat in the desert, something your fathers had never known, to humble and to test you so that in the end it might go well with you. 17 You may say to yourself, "My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me." 18 But remember the LORD your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your forefathers, as it is today.

19 If you ever forget the LORD your God and follow other gods and worship and bow down to them, I testify against you today that you will surely be destroyed. 20 Like the nations the LORD destroyed before you, so you will be destroyed for not obeying the LORD your God. [ Deuteronomy 8 : 6-20 ] No, God. I will never forget Your grace and mercy that You've shown me all these years. I've known You since I was a child and I know that everything good comes from You.

Trials and tribulations are lessons meant to discipline. After 5 years of struggling with Someone and the great amount of suffering, I know that those years were meant to humble, discipline and open my eyes to see that this particular Someone, though held my heart, was not the Right Person to lead my life with.

Show me God, the path to be taken and unfolded.

Grant me Wisdom and Discernment along with Your Grace and Mercy yet again.

Amen.

The Rag Doll.

All she'd ever wanted

Was to be Happy.

Why, God?

Why, God?

Have I not tried hard enough?

Have I not been faithful?

Have I not been grateful?

Have I not led my life as righteously as I could?

Why, God?

Why?

Why?

I have no answers

But to

Cry.

Dear God

Have you abandoned Mich again?

Do You hear me, God?

认命

今晚，我又哭了。

原来痛还是那么的真实。

好不容易才爬起来，

为何眼泪还热腾腾地流着？

我不甘心，我真得很不甘心。

为何别人轻而易举所拥有的东西，却是我多年来所得不到的结果？

莫非这是我的命运？

伤口不只是在我心中。

认命吧，Mich.

Hey, You.

Like a deck of cards.

Thanks for screwing it all up.

I don't know what You want,

But please, stop screwing up my life.

Stop inflicting self-castigation on my part because of Your emergence.

I'm not Your toy, only to have a whiff of attention at Your whim and fancy.

Leave me alone.

Please.

For every time You appear, things go awry.

And Mich tastes those familiar tears yet again.

Please.

Don't do this to me.

Let me be Happy.

For once in my life.

Then, There Was You.

It wasn't easy for me to grasp this sliver of Happiness.

If You had cared about me, for me, you would have done something tangible a long time ago.

A word. A gesture. An expression.

But, You didn't.

Many a time, I struggled with letting You go.

Finally, I found that I could live without You.

Finally, my heart sang a song without Your existence.

So, please,

If You do care about me now,

You would want me to be Happy.

And unless You would do all you could,

I don't think I can summon sufficient strength to start over again for yet another 5 years.

All I want is to be Happy.

A Wintry Flickr Of A Memory.

The capacious lapse in my memory translated into the expiration of my Flickr Pro account.

Fortunately, all was safe after renewing my account.

P-H-E-W!