Buckling.

Dear God,

I'm tired physically and mentally.

I'm beyond a meltdown.

For the first time in my life, I caught myself thinking that if a collision were to occur, at least I would not have to head home.

That sense of dread,

The constant fear,

The overwhelming anxiety -

These are elements that are new to me.

It's 11pm and I'm cowering under the covers.

Sleep has been elusive.

Involuntarily, I jolt from my slumber every hour or so.

There is no peace.

Mum doesn't understand why I've become like this.

Friends have been immensely supportive,

And He is concerned, for he has never seen me crumble till now.

He tries to cheer me up but I reject even the activities and food which I love.

Dear God, please grant me Grace & Mercy.

Let all these be over soon.

Lead me like Moses.

Drown the plague like You did with the Egyptians.

Lead me across the Rubicon

Into the Promised Land....

Of Peace & Normalcy.

Amen.

Peace, Please.

Peaceful slumber, as inane as it sounds, is distant and elusive currently.

Jolting out of bed to the tune of not once, not twice, but five times in a short span of four hours spells A-W-R-Y with a capital A.

I'm in pieces. I have no peace.

I'm whirling in constant worry, gripped by an avalanche of fear.

I must let this go.

Dear God, release me from these fears. They are crippling me physically, emotionally and mentally.

All I had yesterday was a slice of pizza and three wings. And the day before? 6 nuggets.

Nausea and abdominal cramps have resulted from the immense stress.

This isn't me.

Hear my cries, O God.

Amen.

Note to Self.

I'm Sorry.

I have too many things on my plate now.

I cannot deal with This.

I'm exhausted, anguished and on the brink of a meltdown.

Today, tears found their way to mar my day on the train, cab and bus.

I must overcome this.

Mich, hold onto your good faith.

Dear God, You know my fears and anxieties.

Set me free from those that plague me this week.

All at once, I'm overwhelmed. Despite hours being frittered, I'm back to square one.

I'm quaking. I'm quivering.

I'm not myself.

Mich, You've never EVER been like this.

Overcome that phobia.

You must.

Dear God, I surrender it all to You.

All I ask for is peace and normalcy.

In Jesus' Name,
Amen.

Wretched.

Dear God,

I am gripped by fear.

Wholly consumed by it, waves of nausea plague me to the point of constant retching and I am at a complete loss.

I will be strong and have faith in You, God.

You've saved my life repeatedly.

You've opened windows when doors were slammed shut.

Dear God, please eradicate These.

I've never been so fearful in my life.

I can neither eat nor sleep.

This isn't me.

Listen to my cries, Father.

Faith, not Fear.

Only You can fashion yet another miracle, God.

Only You.

And I trust that You will.

In Jesus' Name I Pray,
Amen

Debilitated.

My mind is preoccupied with a particular subject.

No, it's not about You (nor Him, nor finances).

It has reduced me to tears as I am overwhelmed, not knowing where to start and if it would be eradicated.

Fear has crippled me literally.

I lie in bed with nary a step out of it.

Thankfully, it is the holidays and work isn't affected.

<i>"Why have you become like this?" </i>

<i>"Don't think so much."</i>

<i>"Don't be like that."</i>

Every waking moment is spent on obsessive thoughts about This.

A cycle of tears and fears plague an otherwise cheery me.

My voracious appetite has dwindled significantly as I only had a single meal of chicken chop yesterday and even so, I could scarcely chomp through half of the portion before trashing it.

I'm exhausted from all the hours of physical exertion.

I don't quite know where to start.

Dear God, I commit this into Your hands.

Help me have a breakthrough in this. Let me emerge victorious in this battle.

In Jesus' Name I pray,
Amen

14.

She bristled at the mere recollection -

Of a day marked against time,

Of smiles and love a year ago.

Would He remember November 2012?

Would He bring forth mirth in November 2013?

He did.

The Boy remembered.

She smiled.

Thank You. =)

Ignition.

"You look very chio today," he quipped. I smiled and waved as I nestled into my seat.

('Chio' is a local slang that is used to compliment a pretty female. However, it can be perceived as being derogatory or rude if one does not share a close relationship with said female.)

He got up to accompany me in the snaking queue and left the rest twittering (of the verbal kind) amongst themselves.

He gushed over my shoes.
Then my bag.
It was then that my mind drifted to the time when You were still an undergraduate. The purchase of your bike and car had yet to transpire. Upon realising that the bus you were on had passed my location, you called and asked if I was alone and if You could keep me company. Elated, I was, however, with a friend and had to turn you down, albeit after a long chat.

In another year, I was to meet Di & De. You asked if You could come along. We stood in the queue for eons before we got a table. It was then that De commented, "...I would have thought that he (You) was your guy."

The unmistakable smile and wave that have come to be part of my identity were once again unfurled when our eyes met at the Concierge. That was a year ago.

I cannot must shake off this past.

I had, have and am trying to.

It took me a decade to finally know You and come 2014, another decade would soon go by.

That once feisty and cheerful girl is now weathered.

She'd scarcely noticed the years slipping by,

Till now.

Live. Life. Love.

Live,
For that is Life.

Love,
For that is Living.

~ Mich

Hook, Line & Sinker.

"电话响起了, 你要说话了. 还以为你心里 对我又想念了..."

A tune has significant bearing as it evokes images that have otherwise been tucked away into the recesses of one's mind.

As such, by the time this song had tapered off, my vision was clouded with tears.

"电话响起了
你要说话了
还以为你心里
对我又想念了...

灯光熄灭了
音乐静止了
滴下的眼泪已停不住了

天下起雨了
人是不快乐

我的心真的受伤了"

I shouldn't love You.
I mustn't.
But I do.
I still do.
And I know that You do too.

Each day is a struggle as I try to repress my emotions and picture a sledgehammer pounding incessantly at the heart to quell its fervent yearning for The Boy whom I cannot have.

Semiotics.

I had much to say -

Diphthongs and fricatives gilded intricate thoughts which yielded themselves to a tizzy

...that crusted into nought.

In other words, when I finally had the time to nestle within the comfort of my room, a blank slate adorned the screen.

And so,

Here am I,

With everything to say,

And nothing but a black flicker beating against the sea of white.

Well, it's 5.40 AM, so perhaps that is indicative of a much-needed slumber.

Goodnight, you, you, you, you,

... and You. =)

Being Chided.

"If you don't want what you have right now, give it to somebody else."
~ Friend B

And So It Is.

:: Tuesday ::
The previous post had unfurled that which festered deep within as I lay in bed. Tears disappeared into my pillow and I drifted off to sleep, exhausted from the emotional drain.

:: Wednesday ::
We had contact. It took me by surprise as the previous exchange had been in August 2013 as I flew to Sydney.

Yet here You were tonight. Oceans apart, my night was Your day.

At 2AM, Your words unnerved me. In return for the inane remark that I'd been terribly busy, You countered, "Yes, I have seen your nice meals with ______ and your busyness also." 

I certainly hadn't expected that swift and sardonic blow. Silence permeated for a long while before I could even muster, "I actually don't know what to say to that."

You replied grimly, "No need to say anything."

This looming tension threatened to pull the plug on our conversation.

Vacillating memories of that night in December 2012 took precedence as we faced each other and I blurted, "Sorry that I hadn't told You that I was going to ________." and Your reply had been of a similar fashion, "No need to apologize."

Here you were, articulating these words that I've only heard but twice. And twice, they had been about _____.

Thankfully, our banter resumed thereafter.

Gingerly, I mentioned that which You'd given me for my birthday in November 2012. Apprehension gnawed as I didn't quite know if it would disrupt the momentum up till then. You made me laugh with Your reply.

The minutes went by, and then an hour. Soon, I had to go, albeit reluctantly.

It hadn't been the full disclosure that I had hoped for, yet I was in happy tears.

For it dispelled the notion that it had been my imagination/hallucination/etc. I had been repressing and dismissing everything in 2013 as sheer Coincidence.

For the first time in 9 years since we've landed ourselves in this tangle, I felt a peaceful lilt in my heart.

It wasn't The Closure, but it assuaged the pain.

For it affirmed everything - of Devonshire 2005, of December 2012, of this given moment.

What mattered was not The Answer. 

It was not knowing that eroded me - of the Hows, Whys, What Ifs and If Onlys.

Ever since You flew across the oceans a year ago, I've struggled to make sense of it all. A smile with genuine joy has eluded me. I have not experienced it.

But tonight , I did.

Thank You. =)