Prayer and...

Contentment. =)

Stepping Up.

One step at a time...towards Happiness. =)
Pitter-patter.

Hither and thither.

Teeter-totter.

Little D - The Girl Who Taught Her Teacher About Life.

Sometimes, children can teach us lessons in Life.

At 10, Student D was a doe-eyed lass who found favour with her earnest fervour, determination and positive attitude. Student D was the apple of my eye. I loved her as my own. (I still do.)

Then, her mother fell prey to liver cancer and chose meditation over medication. She passed away in a month, leaving D with her brother who was in Primary One. D also had to switch schools immediately as her aunt and grandparents became their primary caregivers. (There were issues with her father that I cannot disclose.)

The changes which D had to adapt to were harsh and abrupt.

At the wake, I held D in my arms and when opportunity arose, I had a private conversation with her.
"D, I'm going to tell you a secret. This is a secret that nobody knows at school, not even the teachers and I know I can trust you, just as you have trusted me - My dad left and never returned home after leaving for work one day. Like you, I was left alone with someone else to care for - my mum. All of a sudden, I was forced to grow up. When peers were choosing foreign universities for studies and leisure, I sacrificed that opportunity and stayed in Singapore because my mother was alone.

Why am I telling you this? You may feel that you have to sacrifice in future because you are the oldest sibling. You may have to make difficult decisions on your own. You may feel that your childhood has been robbed, that life is unfair.

I went through that at 20 and I know how you must feel when you're only 10. It was tough for me and I'm not going to lie to you. It will be difficult. There will be many obstacles to overcome. But you have always been a mature and sensible girl. You always offer me sweet encouragement whenever you see that I am down. You're a sharp and smart girl in Life. I love you very much and I know that you will pull through this painful period."
She gazed at me in silence. Brimming with tears, she spoke and her reply broke my heart. "I have to grow up. I'm no longer a child. I have to be a mother to my brother because my mother is no longer with us. I cannot be selfish and think of myself. I have to take care of my brother. Ms Teo, I want to be as kind and loving as you."
At that instant, I saw myself in little D. I shared her pain. There she was, a petite girl whose cheery naivete had been replaced with pragmatism. Unashamedly, I wept with her. That was the special moment that defined our bond.

She is now 17 years of age and will be off to college in a couple of days. All this while, I've kept in touch with her. Little D aspires to be just like me (!!) and constantly tells me so.

I'm very proud of how she has turned out. Given the early challenges in life, the perceived disadvantage of being in a neighbourhood school and ploughing through the prerequisite academia without tuition, it is a-s-t-o-u-n-d-i-n-g that she has scored 10 points for her 'O' Levels. After taking into account her illustrious CCA & CIP contributions, her final score is S-I-X points! (Take that, elite snobs!) She was also in the Student Council and had the honour of being voted Prom Queen recently.

Today, I thought of little D.

As I did so, I chided myself. "I may have burdens that peers of my age are blessed without; I may have had Regrets in Life. But Little D has suffered more than I have at a tender age. She's a survivor and she has pummelled through Life with the little that she has. YOU ARE HER TEACHER. YOU HAVE BEEN HER ROLE MODEL FOR THESE SEVEN FLEETING YEARS. SHE LOOKS UP TO YOU. YOU ARE WHAT SHE ASPIRES TO BE. Look at your students and how you've fashioned miracles out of them. If you can do that with children, why do you fall flat in your own puddle? Get up on your feet! Think of Little D!"
And so, I decided to forge ahead.

Thank you, Little D.

Your teacher has been taught - by you. =)

:: Blue ::

In Time, A Hue.
Of Memory, To Rue.

A Story, Anew.
'Twas Once With You.

Identifying Me-Shell.

This is not who I am.

This is not what I want to be.

What have I become?

An ostentatious showoff?

That is not who I am.

That is not what I want to be.

Simple Wants.

One with simple wants. Yes, that's Me.

Do the following really make me Happy?

• 8-month bonus (for Him)
• Fancy dining places
• Expensive bags
• Nice clothes

What's the point of having these when one is perturbed?

Peace of Mind -

There's no price tag on that, is there?

Sketches Of Time.

Draw nearer.

Draw a breath.

Draw a line.

Draw one's lot.

Drawn to ....

Help.

12pm - 7pm
Choking as I cry,
These tears fall and dry,
And fall and dry...

Wipe away the pain - I try,
But still they fall and dry,
And fall and dry...

Help.

Pain.

Whatever is within me,
Shall die with me.

Of secrets that walls will keep;
Of hurts that run too deep;

My smile is but a guise
To keep the truth from prying eyes.

You think I'm happy, but no I'm not.
Parched is that which Time forgot.

Bitter crumples and endless woes,
Of what and why, nobody knows.

Silence persists for fear of scorn.
Alone, I grapple though wretched and torn.

The choice I made was a mistake.
Through days, months and years I'd rake.

Garnering nought in mimicry,
I struggle for the day I'd be free.

Come, the final breath of Life,
And end what lies beneath of strife.

How Do I Stop Dreaming?

Close your eyes.

Gently, your subconscious weaves a dream.

Unfolding is an alternate universe that traipses on the otherwise Impossible.

As such, the subject matter of my dreams has been the object which I should shun - You.
Monday
Sauntering by, You cast a fleeting glance at me. I reached out to You, if only for a while, before You said You had to leave but You'd return in time.

Tuesday
"This is nice," I smiled as we sat on the beach and watched the waves. You got up and made footprints in the sand. The distance between us stretched as we moved in opposite directions with our footprints along the beach.

Wednesday
Uniformed men stood in line on a vessel. For some reason, I was part of the entourage and You were all smiles. The ship never docked. It sailed into the horizon.

Thursday
You'd scrawled on my wall, "___ is sad that he's no longer important to Mich."
This was followed by "Meet at 6.30am - extended 7; for a heart2heart ch8 (chat)? I've to leave at 4pm." With nary a care in the world, I took to my heels and went to meet You. I came by a class in an open field. Fascinated by the lesson, I took a seat. Time went by and I did not leave to meet You.
The subconscious wreaks havoc with fervent glee.

The more I have to do what I must, the more it haunts me.

I'm afraid to sleep;

Afraid to dream;

Afraid to wake up to reality;

Afraid that my resolve would be absolved;

This fear is crippling.

It is not within my control to choose the subject matter of my dreams.

How do I stop dreaming?

Would You know?

For What Is Past.

As cobwebs drape across the aisle,
Wither hence this naive child.

Burger King; a Hershey's pie.
Starbucks too, till it was nigh.

And in between, there was a smile.
Preceding thus the shock to cull.

Questions flew, of hurt and rage.
A hung head hid my lie's foliage.

Soon to be another's wife,
- November, 2005.

.

Unleash the pent-up emotions.

Empty the labyrinth within.

Negate the lingering void.

This searing pain - how do I stop it from throbbing?

Come on, Mich.

It's foolish to have hinged 16 years on ______ .

What's the point?

What Is Best For Me.

This conscious distance - of silence and unseen angst, is not by choice.

This very machine, upon which had carved the connection between You and I, scarcely comes into contact with my fingertips of late.

Distance - Physical ; Social; Emotional
I have been sowing their seeds conscientiously.

The Past is gone.
It is gone.
You are gone.

I, too, shall soon be gone.

The Process.

I will.

Soon.

Being Positive!

Sunshine.
Smiles.

I'm learning to be Positive again.

Go, Mich!

Yaay, Me. =)

Me-Shell Me-Shall Take The Bull By Its Horns.

To overcome one's fear, one must face up to it.

And yes, I've thought hard about it. I shall. I will.

It is not in my personality makeup to shun and avoid. I am not one who is afraid to question, so why do I hem and haw when it comes to, well, It?

F.E.A.R - This singular notion of heightened emotion ensures that rationale goes the way of the chute.

Burrowing my head does not make the problem go away. In fact, the converse is true - it allows the problem to linger, fester and brew with malice. So much for being erudite, eh?

This chip has been on my shoulders for the last 6 years. It has worn me down considerably, for I had held my silence.

Life is too short for Regrets. As cliched as this adage is, it wields an ounce of truth nonetheless.

I have the rest of my Life ahead of Me.
Therefore, I shall do what is Best, for Me.

This has shrouded half my life (read:16 years) and wrangled me for the last 6 (years). Whatever the Outcome, let it be a Lesson learnt - one that is taught to Me.

After all,

I am a teacher, aren't I?

Cradle Me Thus...

... Lest I should fall.

Back To The Grind!

A (crappy) 3-minute poem scrawled by an 18-hour Mich.
-yAwN- Back to the grind.
A load off my mind.

Watch the red nib swish
past white sheets in relish

Tick! Tick! Flick!
Watch the candle's wick.

Soon it is time
for tomorrow's grime.Goodnight..zzzz....

Note to self : Secondary school's a hoot! =)

Goodnight, 2 Jan 2011.

2011.

Double 1s.

Double the pain.

Nobody knows.

Nobody, but myself.

I let everyone think frivolous matters bother me.

So they won't see what truly matters.

You used to tell me that faraway people can't hurt me.

You were someone I turned to; someone who knew what to say to placate my fears.

Now, it's just Me grappling in the dark.

Run ... to You?
Share ... with You?

Not too long ago, I asked why You did not return home on certain days after work. Your reply startled me and has rattled in my head ever since. "Go home to...? You're already taken."

I can't run to You, much as I'd like to.
I force myself to run away from You instead.

So, like any other night,

I curl inwards under the covers,

And wish the night away.

I know my wish is granted in the morn,

When darkness flees,

And the sun erases traces of the night before.