Ostensibly So.

I woke up to a really long note from B. It was about You.

"Maybe you're just subconsciously trying to justify your feelings for him. Because your rational mind has already rejected him.

Our eyes can see things which our brain may not register. So you can technically stop at that page without knowing that you intended to.

You have the free will to reject ____ instead of feeling helplessly bound to him.

I mean, seriously, he's a sad sod who has to fish for _____ ,

who likes to show off when he knows nothing;

act smart when he's actually a clueless himbo.

Do you really think destiny would've been so cruel as to pair you - someone who is smart, kind, charitable, big-hearted and level-headed - with a walking cesspool of humanity like him?

He doesn't know the real you.

He doesn't know the intelligent you who knows almost everything, who reads voraciously and devours politics with a passion.

He doesn't see the Mich that we know - who doesn't tolerate nonsense, who could chew off someone's head if she chooses to; who's sharp, witty and quirky.

No, no. All he sees is the Mich who giggles uncontrollably at whatever he says . She has to hold her tongue and pretend to be a bimbo so as not to betray her intellect because she wants to make him feel good about himself.

This is an illusion and you know it. He's never going to be smarter nor better than you are.

You deserve better, Mich.

Forget him."

Wheedling Naught To Make Amends.

The memory of You dallied about before it was yanked from my amygdala.

Burying my nose (and eyes and heart and soul and...you get my drift) into God's word, my gaze was affixed on the familiar scrawls once more -

'I am sending him - who is my very heart - back to you. Perhaps the reason he was separated from you for a little while was that you might have him back for good.'
~ Philemon 1:12,15

It was the umpteenth time that this context had manifested itself amidst thoughts of that which had gone by.

Oscillating between bewilderment and nonchalance, I soon shelved this aside in its entirety.

A Gift. Of All Days.

Out of the blue, my pupil handed me a present. It was a sweet gesture that brought a smile to my mien.

Of all days,

It had to be Today.

"It's not that I won't miss but I'd have to leave one day. 
And when I leave, I don't want you to die."  (You) 

Happy Birthday, You.


::: I Told You So :::

Suppose I called you up tonight
And told you that I loved you.
And suppose I said I wanna come back home.
And suppose I cried and said I think I finally learned my lesson,
And I'm tired of spending all my time alone.

If I told you that I realize you're all I ever wanted
And it's killing me to be so far away.
Would you tell me that you love me too
And would we cry together?
Or would you simply laugh at me and say,

"I told you so.
Oh, I told you so.
I told you someday you'd come crawling back 
And asking me to take you in.
I told you so,
But you had to go.
Now I found somebody new and you will never break my heart in two again."

If I got down on my knees and told you I was yours forever,
Would you get down on yours too and take my hand?
Would we get that old time feeling?
Would we laugh and talk for hours,
The way we did when our love first began?

Would you tell me that you missed me too,
And that you've been so lonely,
And you've waited for the day that I returned?
And we would live and love forever,
And that I'm your one and only.
Or would you say, "The tables finally turn."?

Would you say, "I told you so.
Oh, I told you so,
I told you someday you'd come crawling back 
And asking me to take you in.
I told you so,
But you had to go.
Now I found somebody new and you will never break my heart in two again.
Now I found someone new and you will never break my heart in two again."

The Blip.

Sometimes, a tune comes along when you least expect it. You pay little attention to it until certain lines resonate within. Intrigue and bewilderment yield themselves to the current situation. With that, your story thus unfolds...

I Almost Do

I bet this time of night you're still up
I bet you're tired from a long hard week
I bet you're sitting in your chair by the window looking out at the city
And I bet sometimes you wonder about me

And I just want to tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know that every time I don't
I almost do
I almost do

I bet you think I either moved on or hate you
'Cause each time you reach out there's no reply
I bet it never ever occurred to you that I can't say hello to you
And risk another goodbye

And I just want to tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know that every time I don't
I almost do
I almost do

Oh we made quite a mess, babe
It's probably better off this way
And I confess, baby
In my dreams you're touching my face
And asking me if I want to try again with you
And I almost do

And I just want to tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know that every time I don't
I almost do
I almost do

I bet this time of night you're still up
I bet you're tired from a long hard week
I bet you're sitting in your chair by the window looking out at the city
And I hope sometimes you wonder about me

And Now.

I'm still alive.

As I head towards the Place,

I dread coming face to face with the likeness of Your being.

I'd have to plaster a smile and be coerced to acknowledge that presence should we cross paths. (It is not within me to ignore someone.)

Thereafter, as I pull away, the bravado within gives way and crumples in a heap.

Yet, I must pummel through this,

As I've done for the last 8 years.

Dear God,

Heal my pain.

Amen.

Heaven.

Take me home, God.
Bring me to Heaven,
Where there are no tears nor pain.
Where there's joy and happiness,
Once again

A Blank Slate.

You? No.

Him? No.

I choose Me.

我看透了。

I need to walk away from it all.

Yes, even from You.

Perhaps I need to pretend that I've never known You and hence, everything that has transpired will be spools of fiction.

Friend T told me yesterday,
"You may not love again;
The hole in your heart may never heal,
But at the very least,
You'll never cry again."

So true.

In Your words,
"It's not that I won't miss,
But I'll have to leave one day.
And when that time comes,
____ (your name) doesn't want Mich to die."

So dear You,
Live Long & Prosper.

Perhaps by the time You return,
Mich would have ceased to exist.

CSI

If C can do it,

If S can do it,

Then so can I.

Better Days Lie Ahead.

I choose Me.

I choose to be Happy.

So here I go,

Snapping out of Stupidity now.

Hey, You.

Life goes on.

I don't want to be the one You turn to at the drop of a hat.

I don't want to be the dirty little secret.

I don't want to be clutching at straws and hope that Guy Fawkes' Day would arrive.

I've allowed You to treat me as such for the last 8 years.

I've intentionally pretended to be clueless & ignorant, in order to boost your ego.

I deserve better.

In 3, 2, 1....

And it's a blast!

Here I go....Whee!

A Plus!

How long would you live in Hope?

How many times would you pursue a Dream,

Before it crosses the line and descends into Stupidity?

Obstinate or Determined?

Naive or Optimistic?

You are what your mind wants to be.

Think Positive.

Laugh. A lot.

An unfulfilled dream is far better than a lacklustre plateau.

5 AM.

"Na's Wedding!" I chimed cheerfully as I jostled with my keys at the door.

It was but an excuse.

B : In what way is he better than what you already have? He hides; he toys with you; he makes empty promises. He doesn't even TELL you.

M : (softly) I don't know. He makes me happy, B.

B : Does he? Then why have you been sad all these years?

I am not deluded.

That which I cannot have, I should not seek.

Poison Ivy : February

February is a difficult month.

There's the festive season, today and ______.

All is well on the surface, even Happy, I'd say.

Still, there are days nights when everything spills from the compartmentalised pain.

And I take comfort in a fave of mine :

I picture you across the ocean
In your corner of the world
I pray the wind will blow my voice
And gently whisper in your ear
Your night may be my day
And though the seasons change

It's still the same side of the moon
That we'll be looking on when the world turns blue
And know that time and space can't come between me and you
We share the same side of the moon
And though you'll never see all the tears shine through
I know I can't be that far from you
If we're both looking on the same side of the moon

~ Corrinne May, Same Side of the Moon

It will be over. Soon.

March will arrive and it will be a relief to tuck away everything that reminds me of You.

Love, Joy, Peace and Happiness.

Seeping into my consciousness is a short prayer that I'd once uttered :

Dear God,

Many obstacles lie in my way. 
You’ve provided me with all the signs that I’d prayed for. 
You’ve even presented the very verse that I’d specifically mentioned. 
You know what I’ve prayed for, Father. 
I believe in faith that You’d remove the obstacles as mentioned,
And miracles will transpire in Your name. 

In Jesus’ Name I pray,
Amen.

There was actually Peace and Happiness in the P___ household tonight as food took precedence.

After decades of culminated angst, resentment and such amongst the siblings, chatter and laughter permeated the air. It took everyone by surprise, actually. (Perhaps we ought to credit Patrick for the provision of alcohol, which certainly loosened tongues in a good way.)

It was the first of all the chilly dinners that I've had to endure over the years. I was happy for them.

Maybe, just maybe,
Love, Joy, Peace and Happiness,
Will someday be mine too.

Soon.

It will be over.
Soon.

Fast Forward.

I can't wait for it to be over.

Utter Sputter.

Your name came up earlier.

I froze.

Given the proximity at ____, I wasn't surprised.

It startled me because I hadn't expected it.

Well, that was shoved aside after it tarried for a while.

"Focus on God and happiness will follow."

Happy. New Year.

“每逢佳节的时候，
也是我最想念你的时候.”

An oft-scorned cliche, I now know that there is an element of truth in every cheesy line.

I'd been waiting.
But not anymore, I guess.

All I ask is that when it is time, do spare me from that which I'd inflicted upon you.

Happy New Year, You.

Be Happy.

A Note to you (not You).

Hey, you.

No, not You.

But you.

You reap what you sow.

I will not indulge you.

(Like I said, not You, but you. Regardless of the abyss, I'd never be vehement nor scathing towards You.)

My mind has the capacity to store only The Good.

Out with The Bad!

"Let Us Have Faith that Right Makes Might." ~ Lincoln

"If you focus on God, Happiness will follow and light every aspect of your life."

That's going to be my gameplan from now -

Focusing on God;

Doing what's Right;

Helping the needy in whatever way that I can;

Availing myself to students who are marginalised.

I have a way with rebellious and wayward children. These youths are now past their adolescence and many are ready to enter the workforce in the coming year. (It makes me feel really old despite our narrow age gap!)

It is a gift; I pride myself in impacting their lives positively and permanently.

These fine young adults are still in touch with me and they inspire me to forge ahead despite the abyss within.

So, yes,

Forget about yourself, Mich.

Turn your eyes towards God and do what's Right.

Forget the internal struggles, hurt, pain and synonyms of negativity.

2013 : MAKE IT COUNT!

"Let us have faith that Right makes Might."
~ Lincoln

'So Close, so close and yet so far.'

This bit in Jersey Boys had me curdling within and tears fell as I identified with the performance.

Invariably, my mind was laced with You, whose presence has dominated much of my life as we grew up at The Place, how coincidence was rife and brought me to You, how the last eight years have been for nought and how far You are literally at this moment, where my night is your yesterday.

As I tossed this cumulation of emotions aside, this earworm lingered -

'So close, so close and yet so far.'

My eyes adored you,
Though I never laid a hand on you.
My eyes adored you
Like a million miles away from me,
You couldn't see how I adored you.
So close, so close and yet so far.

Carried your books from school
Playin' make believe you're married to me,
You were fifth-grade,
I was sixth when we came to be.
Walkin' home ev'ry day
Over Bonnicut Bridge and Bay
Till we grew into the me and you
Who went our separate ways.

My eyes adored you
Though I never laid a hand on you.
My eyes adored you
Like a million miles away from me,
You couldn't see how I adored you.
So close, so close and yet so far.

Headed for city lights,
Climbed the ladder up to fortune and fame,
I worked my fingers to the bone,
Made myself a name.
Funny I seemed to find
That no matter how the years unwind;
Still I reminisce about the girl I miss
And the love I left behind.

My eyes adored you
Though I never laid a hand on you.
My eyes adored you,
Like a million miles away from me,
You couldn't see how I adored you.
So close, so close and yet so far.

All my life I will remember
How warm and tender we were way back then,
Oh the feeling, sad regrets
I know I won't ever forget you,
My childhood friend.
(So close, so close and yet so far.)

My eyes adored you
Though I never laid a hand on you.
My eyes adored you
Like a million miles away from me,
You couldn't see how I adored you.
So close, so close and yet so far.

My eyes adored you
Though I never laid a hand on you.
My eyes adored you
Like a million miles away from me,
You couldn't see how I adored you.
So close, so close and yet so far.

Part & Parcel.

Amidst a bustling day, I found time to attend the wake of J's grandmother. J and I have been real tight since our college days.

Thereafter, I had dinner with my Lil Twin and laughed the night away.

As I was chortling, I caught sight of someone waving (flailing, actually). It was Y, my former classmate & neighbour.

In a couple of hours, the latter half of my life flashed before my eyes; earmarked from secondary school, college and university, each figure perforated an era.

It's time to snap out of Stupidity.

I will always miss You.

There will always be questions that I've yet to have answers to.

Encapsulated moments will take time to ravel in my memory closet.

Tears fall,

Shambles loom,

Sadness beckons unbearably on some nights.

But I'm a trooper.

Unlike in 2007, I've not allowed my world to collapse this time.

It is time to turn my anguish and pain into strength to help the needy.

This has always been a passion of mine.

Memories from my childhood are rife with regular visits to the lonely in one-room flats as I trot alongside Mum, who took it upon herself to help these strangers in need on a weekly basis.

Gaining independence in Secondary School, I enjoyed visits to the orphanages and old folks' homes.

In college, I'd won the prestigious International Leo Club Award along with my seniors. The Leo Club enabled me to render assistance to senior citizens, orphans and children from the lower-income groups. An immense amount of satisfaction and delight arose from bringing joy to the marginalised.

Regular donations to the needy are part of my schema till this day, as well as door-to-door handouts.

Currently, I am toying with the idea of short mission trips with a friend who is in charge of such activities.

I miss You but I know that You are doing well. I'll never know what went through Your mind that night at 2am in December 2012 and the days that followed.

Thank You for leaving me with beautiful memories before you headed for California. Be Happy, as always.

Love, Me.

Hey, Mich, now let's go and help those who hurting more than you. It's your gift that children endear themselves to you. Use it to bring joy to them! =)

"I cried because I had no shoes.
Then I met a man who had no feet."