The Answer

Mood: Pensive...intrinsic pandemonium lulls to a stop.

I'm perfectly fine at the moment. I've not been crying. It's been a fabulous day but I cannot shrug off what is at the back of my mind.

Are you struggling, like me, to let it go? Do you think, just for a moment, that things could have been very different had it been earlier? Are there bombarding questions but you're at a loss for words? Are you waiting, like me, for someone to pry it out in the open?

Too long.
Too short.
Too late.

We're both suffering. In silence. In solitude.
Why? What is it exactly that you and I are waiting for? Is languishing silence our bridge of communication? Capacious words merely patch the void between. Should patience, a virtue oft heralded, persist at this juncture?
Why do we indulge in shrouded pretence? A word, a whisper, an answer to concur.

Tell me your story and I'll read you mine.
The answer lies between the lines.

My 21st Birthday....5 Years Ago

November's approaching and what's the hot date?
Why, 14 November of course! =)

A walk down memory lane
2000

Before Dbl O, Mdm Wong's,Wong San and the likes, there was Samsara which ruled Mhd Sultan for a while. Mich's 21st birthday bash was held there where drinks and finger food flowed freely (at Mich's expense) as the place was booked solely for the celebration.

*

Friends from Anglican High, Temasek JC, NUS, NTU, NIE gathered at the stroke of midnight.
(More than 10 are not featured in this pic. Their whereabouts remain a mystery till this day.)
**

Valerie, Jasmine, Huihui, Julia, Yina, Leanna, Me, Melissa, Marlene, Xerneive, Bernice

***

Happy 21st to Me
****

Del & Mich
*****

Jansen & Mich
******

James & Mich
*******

Aravin, Valerie, Benson, Jasmine, Jack, Me, Ray Aziz
********

John, Meng, Nelson, Benson, James, Me, Jack, Aravin, Jon, Tian Mi, Tally, Vic. Once again, about 7 guys are missing from this picture. Where have all the cute guys gone to?Only James is left! Heh.

Gastroenteritis - My 2-Day-Old Nemesis

Wednesday 26 Oct:
-Woke up with a sharp abdominal pain at 2am.
-Shut down computer. Had a weird urge to throw up.
-Threw up twice. Purged twice. Talk about double trouble.
-Finally fell asleep at about 3am.
-Awoke at 5am as usual.
-Threw up thrice and purged again. URGH.
-Called in sick.
-cycle of throwing up and purging ensues throughout the day.
-Doctor prescribes 4 satchets of Diarrstope/Lacteol Fort and 10 Hyoscine Butylbromide tablets.

Thursday 27 Oct:
-Woke up groggy & feverish.
-Threw up repeatedly in the morning. (lost count of the number of times)
-Called in sick again. Clerk mentioned that her sister had the exact symptoms and was hospitalised for 2 weeks (!!!)
-No more diarrhoea. (hallelujah~)
-Threw up my lunch. (thank goodness lunch did not consist of eggs or fish. Phew!)
-Persistent abdominal pain throughout the day.
-Dragged myself to the doctor's again.
-Prescribed Debridat, Domperidome and Famocid, 10 tablets each.
-Doctor diagnosed it as gastroenteritis.She mentions if the pain persists beyond 48 hours, it may be appendicitis.
- O_O Completely freaked out. Hey, isn't it just normal food poisoning?
-No appetite. Nibbled on biscuits for dinner.
-Abdominal pain ongoing.

All I want to do is curl up in bed but I cannot do so.
Admin work awaits me and I'm typing out 40 HRC remarks / CIP / HRC Qualities / HRC Strengths now. Work beckons. Tomorrow, I'll have to drag myself to work, by hook or by crook.

-crosses fingers and prays hard-

A Letter to Myself

Dear Mich,

You are a silly girl, you know that? While everyone is fixated on material wants and scrambling to up their economic status, what is it that you seek? The intangible, the useless, the insignificant - emotions.

Why have you refused to move on and throw yourself into the throngs of hoarding the most for youself? Do you not hanker after a life of luxury and material gains? Do you not envy your peers around you? Why have you stopped in your tracks and refused to bow down to the idolatry of money?

Mich, you are a very silly girl. Naive in your own world, it will do you no good. At the end of the day, you will be one heartbroken person with a pocket that's scarcely filled.

A Letter from S

Dear Mich,

i agree that life here in Sydney is slower and more fun!
My parents have been pushing me to go back.. I will
probably be able to get a jobquite easily as my parents
know contacts n pull strings but the morale is bad in
spore.... I will go back spore for good maybe in 6/7
years down the road... I amstarting my PHD next year
and has negotiated a 4 days week work without changing
my salary so once i finish my PHD, I will come back to
teach in uni.. oh i am a business analyst/quality
executive where i look into all the processes with
the managers and improve them.. thats the nutshell of
it.. hopefully be able to climb to managerial position
in a few years as promised by my general manager...
(though competitionis rather keen so promise might be
broken)

I got myself a two bedrm townhouse near the city and
i got myself a golden retriever (not a baby! Totally
agree with you about kids). He is called Bobby and
he is now 1 year and half.. I will attach pics of him.

I have been dating for about 2 years with an engineer
(Singaporen)..think i am more interested in his work
whichis about renewable energy..they use banana skins
and pig shit to convert energy on large scale (cool eh)
and i always bug him on how they work... i am also
contemplating another guy who is working as a training
manager in Sony (Australian) (he got heaps of money
driving nissan z4 n owns his own house & he is ONLY
26 years old! My age!)Feel a little inferior next
to him coz he is definitely a high flier compared to me..
oh well... i will pray about it and see how it goes...
AND enough of me!

Poor Del. I used to think he has alot going for
himself. What happened to him? Y being so comfortable
with so little for a graduate? Cool, got himself an
accountant so y do the girl's parents reject? Too poor?
(Remember how my mum was so mean about the economic
status of his family!) Well, this time round, she is
freaking happy that i am dating a rich businessman
son who is an engineer working here and contemplating
that Sony guy (Being sarcastic) (but she's not too keen
coz he is an aussie). Sometimes,its so hard to distance
yourself from your parents even with the physical
distance being so far...

Nah i am not in contact with YH.. but i met her JC
friend here, I think its Jackie or something.. she
was going to the same pub as I was in the city but
that was quite a few years ago.. didnt remain contact 
with her coz i lost my mobile...

i think i  have written a very long essay ..
will call you on weekend! Cheers!

************

It's complicated. S's my "sister" who was introduced
by YH when we were 15.At that time, YH, PB, FC and
I were bunched as a clique but YH and I soon broke
away with S. S & I were inseparable. We had the same
taste in guys (heh heh), clothes, music, food, et al.
Later, our clique would expand to include Yusheng, Vic,
Tally, Paul, Jiasheng & Audrey.Through it all, S and I
often popped into each other's homes after school, hung
out with Yusheng and got into a lot of nonsense together.
Coincidentally, her parents were from BBTC. Fortunately,
they have since decided to head to another church.
Often fixated on material wants herself, her mother
would,ironically, blame us for influencing S into
purchasing branded goods. (Aside: I need to clarify this.
She deemed Giordano and U2 to be branded goods. I do NOT
purchase stuff from Giordano & U2 as the sizes are way
too big for me.)

(1) When S brought Vic home, her mother calmly walked to
the kitchen and (i kid you not!) took a knife before
warning Vic.
(2) Her mother actually went to Del's home and blasted
them for not being rich enough.
(3) Her mother would lock up the remote controls for
the television and VCD player in a SAFE.

Stuff fabricated from drama serials? Nope, those incidents
did happen. I'm just happy that things have turned out well
for S after all these years.

The Past Is Not Tomorrow. Think About It And Let Go.

"The past is not tomorrow. Think about it and let go."

Perhaps I'm too hard on myself. The perfectionist streak in me cannot allow things to go awry. Meticulous as I am, the ideal is highly regarded and pursued with vigour. Often, the circle only has one side, and it builds up unnecessary tension.

Impressions aside, I am highly guarded and defensive. I wasn't like that till I was 18. In the last quarter of that year, I'd been betrayed by four who were closest to me - best friend, confidant, partner, parent. Betrayal wasn't something as trivial as divulging someone's secrets. No, it was more than that. It wasn't as simple as four individual events. The amount of anguish and devastation resulting from "them" versus "me" took its toll. Del, James, Leanna & PJK would remember how close I was to breaking point as the cycle ensued.

There is no sparkle in my eyes because of the culmination of events. Past hurts have embedded a sense of mistrust until you've proven that you won't hurt me. Being a sign of weakness, hurt is best avoided and that is achieved by building high walls around.

Contempt aside, hurt leaves an indelible imprint and the road to recovery is a dreaded journey. I am aloof because I fear judgement. I fear judgement because I avoid being perceived as weak. If I can accept that, I will be much happier.Unfortunately, my genetic makeup lacks the ability to let go. I hear these words often, "Learn to let go.". The trouble is, a memory, a hurt, a smile, a glance, a word - each registers itself in subconscious permanence. I'm stubborn because there is something which I have been waiting for all my life. Lurking round the corner, my greatest struggle is to turn and walk away when I know it lies just ahead.

I've learnt not to hope. Hoping, wishing, waiting - these only serve to spiral levels of expectation out of control. At its peak, hope will then nosedive to the bottom of the pit. Without hope, there can be no disappointment. That has been my cycle of defence and emotional baggage.

Daniel Foo has said, "Fear is not an emotion. It is a spirit. The presence of worry signals an absence of faith."

Likewise, in a similar vein, the past is not tomorrow. Think about it and let go.

I'll try.

MUMble Jumble

Digging through Mum's nostalgic possessions, I chanced upon an old photograph depicting her days of youth. Rummaging through my oodles of pics, I found this photograph, taken when I was 21 (-sigh-), at Chantel Goh Studio, Meritus Mandarin Shopping Arcade.

- Juxtaposition -

- A Magnified View -

**Question: Do I resemble Mum?**

= Tears On My Pillow =

If it weren't a sin to hasten one's passage to heaven, this blog would have ceased to exist tonight.

There are so many burning issues right now. I know I can set them right, with God's strength and mercy. While tears are familiar friends, tonight was different. They blurred my vision and waxed over my pain. Always a pillar of strength to others, who would know that behind these walls, behind the smiles, away from the cheerful disposition, I lie here - staring at the ceiling, wondering and pondering why things have spiralled out of control.

I don't want sympathy. I don't want empathy. Seriously, who would be able to fathom what I am going through right now? Niggling issues aside, given my reclusive nature, I won't divulge anything anyway.

A circle of irony.

I am so tired. I know I've said this before and "you" may roll "your" eyes for the umpteenth time, "There she goes again, whining away."

It's not a cry for attention. It's not a ruse to evoke pangs of compassion. Don't look at me with soft eyes. Don't sigh and furrow "your" brows.

There's a resting place but God doesn't want me there yet, apparently. I don't care what has happened and what mind-boggling games have been undertaken. Just let me lie on "your" shoulder in silence, as "your" sleeve soaks up my tears. "You" don't have to understand anything nor even grapple in the attempt to try and locate a starting point.

This is my constant prayer. Mich just wants to close her eyes one day, whenever that day may be, and hope that when her peepers flutter as she stirs, she'll be in the company of angels. Meanwhile, "you" are her angel, whoever "you" may be.

Drifting Delicately

Where was I tonight? Not that anyone would want to know, right? So, I shan't bother to record detail after detail. I'm getting sick of this. Letters, Words, Sentences, Paragraphs....What do they all mean anyway? Writing to my heart's content - does it rectify anything? No.

Drifting delicately, entrapped in my fragile bubble.
Don't burst it.
Hurt me not.

Mich is -Beep- -Beep- Panicking Over -Beep- -Beep-

At this very moment, Mich is tearing her hair out in frustration.
She's just realised she needs to get something done and her mind is in a blank at where/how to start. She looks at the time and visually wrenches the hands off the mocking clock.
= Panic mode: On =
= Warning: Do Not Incur Mich's Wrath =

Days of Mich's Life

PSLE marking (Day One):
Burdened with a fever, coughing my lungs out and nursing a cold from yesterday, I dragged myself to work despite having a medical certificate. [Triumphant declaration: I survived!] However, it poured again at 5.10pm.

Fryday plans:
Probably meeting James or WY or Nur for dinner or nobody at all. It will depend on my mood. It is Del's turn to treat me to dinner this month. (Odd months: Mich's treat / Even months: Del's treat) However, he's unavailable this Fryday. Therefore, after dinner with James or WY or Nur, Mich will scuttle off and is most likely to be found at a drinking hole, probably by herself, on Fryday.

Meanwhile, PSLE marking Day Two lies ahead tomorrow! Seven cups of tea today kept me awake and brought on the usual migraine. More tea, less rain!
=chants & crosses fingers=

Mich is Sick

Mich is sick. Physically.

She's also sick of other issues but they take a backseat today. Encapsuled in her own world of escapism, it is a world she's most familiar with. She has many questions, but she knows no answer will arrive.

She's tired - physically, emotionally, mentally.

Mich Down!

The letters dance across the screen to plead with Pony Tootle : please stop summoning the rain!
=sniffle,sniffle,ack,ack,pffft=
=sniff sniff=
=rub rub=
=achoo=

On a serious note, Mich will be out of action this entire week.

Monday: Common marking after curriculum time for SA2 Composition (read: 5 hours to be spent digesting essays)
Tuesday: PSLE marking (Composition) 8am - 5pm
Wednesday: PSLE marking (Composition) 8am - 5pm
Thursday: PSLE marking (Composition) 8am - 5pm
Friday: PSLE marking (Composition) 8am - 3pm (tentative)

Caffeine urgently required till the weekend beckons. Neuro-resuscitation on standby. Any takers? -_-

Antidisestablishmentarianism

"Antidisestablishmentarianism"

Nope, that isn't a word which I'd conjured from the alphabet. Clearly, some eccentric relief teacher had introduced that mouthful of a word during a lesson in History.

That brings me to a spelling quiz which I'd undertaken out of sheer boredom. Click here to take the quiz!

=My results=
You scored 19 out of a possible 23
Go to the top of the class. Either you're a natural orthographer, or you paid a lot of attention in school. Either way, you could make a fortune on the spelling bee circuit.

Trash the advice!

Craving for other long words in the English Language? Read this pronto.

Infantile Resplendence

Take me to a place where I once knew. Naivete wrought, before I'd met you.

Do not sow seeds of doubt.
That's me indeed.
Cute?
Heh.

Music To My Ears? Perhaps. Perhaps Not.

Music Coordinator, that's what I'll slip into next year. A promotion when I'd least expected it. After rejecting the position of Art Coordinator twice, another position sweeps up with a gust in my face.

I love guiding children along life's paths. My passion is in English, Literature & History. Music is my life. The Arts are my hands and feet. My heart's with the orphaned, elderly & abandoned. I'd wanted to start a new CCA next year. Its focus is to increase the awareness towards the unfortunate among the privileged kids of my institution. The poor and unfortunate has always been a bane of society - tucked away in a corner, unseen & unheard till the occasion deems it fit.

With the added responsibility in 2006, can my plan proceed? Would I have to shelve the carving of this CCA?
-sigh-

Into the Blue

Basking in the sun, her tresses soak up the delectable breeze. A head of curls cascading buoyantly in accordance. Striding forward confidently, a smirk on her face is all she wears. A stretch of ripples in abundance, lavishly lapping against the grainy shore. A burst of blue explodes onto the scene. Aquamarine hips gyrating with each step, Jessica Alba makes her entrance.

Right.

You wish.

A burst of blue exploded in my hand. Trickling richly, my blue whiteboard marker had erupted at its tip in glorious splendour. Spellbound pupils gasped as the royal colour palmed me. Turquoise, teal, aquamarine, sapphire, cyan, navy , my usual shades of choice, swept over by the raging colour. My nondescript beige skirt fell into the mercy of Picasso's playful felicity.

And so, I'm feeling blue indeed.

A Good Friend Since 1994 - Yusheng

Time started: 4.57pm

Today, a friend popped up in my memory bank. He was part of my clique of 4 girls & 6 guys in secondary school.

We were a tight bunch who'd spend every free moment together, be it clamouring out of class, hanging along the corridors during recess, bowling / cycling / rollerblading during the school holidays, loitering at Mac's almost every single day while completing our homework, playing basketball after school, scrambling to study at the airport at the last minute, slurping on ice-kachang while engaging in idle banter, lazing at Vic's 3-storey house at Bedok Road, relishing the mean bowl of noodles whipped up by Vic's grandmother, researching at the various libraries for project work, popping by Sally's, his or my place for entertainment whenever cash ran low, musing at the corners of our school till late hours, climbing the school gate in a bid to "escape" to the airport to study for our 'O' Levels as we felt that the post-prelim void was a waste of time, sharing a Cheeseburger meal among three of us, breaking into peals of laughter post-class but smirking knowingly during lessons as Tally & Paul churned out joke after joke while incurring the wrath of the Chinese, A Maths, English, E Maths, Chemistry...(hmm...not a subject was spared) teachers, exasperating the teachers who had never handled a SAP class of such defiance while miraculously maintaining our results, constantly hauled up for the slightest thing (eg. not wearing a petticoat underneath the school skirt - probably the most ridiculous school rule to date, not donning the school badge, keeping long hair - the definition of 'long' for GIRLS was when hair grazed against the shoulders, wearing WHITE socks with coloured labels, wearing school shoes without shoelaces - another ridiculous school rule, wearing 'branded' watches like Baby G & Guess instead of plain, black pasar-malam ones). Of course, who could forget the Great Escapade which involved 18 out of 25 people in our class and the "Pizza Hut" Tale? Hey, but our teacher did mention this: "After your batch, it's all downhill." We maintained the school's ranking within the top ten. ( I think it has since tumbled southwards.)

Yusheng was a chummy friend. It was easy to spend many hours on the telephone with him. The Unbeatable Lamer of the group, corny one-liners belonged to the playground of Vic & Yusheng. I recall our mindless pursuits of branded goods like Polo Ralph Lauren & Burberry's polo tees, Guess jeans, DKNY tops, Armani tees, Benetton shoes & our Baby 'G's & Swatches paled in comparison to Vic's Tag Heuer watch. They've since been tucked away as obsolete fashion items.

Under Yusheng's lanky, carefree frame was a diligent pupil who was eager to excel at his studies while appearing nonchalant. Unfortunately, A Maths wasn't his forte and he hit rock bottom with shocking results. 27% was an indelible statistic. Constantly berated & undermined by the A Maths teacher, he never gave up on the subject even though he was falling behind. Even at the prelims, his score was short of a passing grade and the general sentiment was that a pass in A Maths at the 'O's could only be attributed to sheer luck.

To everyone's shock & astonishment, in a span of two months, he'd scored an A1 for his weakest subject. The gem was only starting to unravel. Our clique broke up when 7 of us tottered to Temasek JC while the other 3 went to Tampines JC. He was a student in the Commerce stream at TJ and while some would attribute his A1 in A Maths to a fluke, he went on to wipe out all lingering doubts with his SAF scholarship & a double degree with top honours. The last time we met up, he was still bitter towards the A Maths teacher who had despised him. I'm really proud of Yusheng as he has gone on to silence his critics and naysayers.

Our clique has tried to remain in contact throughout the years, with the exception of YH, whom I had bumped into at Paragon Starbuck's but had turned away upon eye contact.

A sneak peek at the rest currently:
(1) Vic - worked at a local bank for a brief period before undertaking a job in the civil service after getting his arts degree at NUS.
(2) Audrey - undergone a fashion design course midway at La Salle after completing her arts degree at NUS.
(3) Tally - resigned from his shipping company.
(4) Paul - freelance swimming coach & has a cool double storey place of residence near Hong Lim Park to hang out and jam at.
(5) Sally - Returned to Australia after a near mental breakdown. The poor girl's suffered much emotionally since childhood. Got her degree in psychology at UNSW.
(6) Jiasheng - Joined the insurance industry after graduating from Poly.
(7) YH - the childhood friend from the age of ten, last seen at one of the "Big 4" accountancy firms. Has been erased from my list of contacts.
(8) Johan - went to the US to study music after receiving his arts degree at NUS.
(9) Me - The one whom everyone had expected to be a lawyer / psychologist but unfortunately, landed up as an educator & a bank account with fewer zeroes instead.

I miss this clique of buddies and I'm thankful that Audrey organises gatherings now and then.

Yusheng - I'm his "trusty old pal" and he is my "wu di dear friend" as well. How time has gone by, with only our gradual aging to betray these twelve years.

See you in December with the rest, Yusheng! =)

Time ended: 6.48pm

Bad, Good, Bah!

The Bad:

• Busted budget. Spent over $5k today on personal expenses. The largest amount swiped & charged to my card so far. =/
• Received first email from Hype Records. Sly's guest appearance fee? A whopping sum of 4 figures. Let's just say it's close to 5 figures. Listen. Do you hear that? Cup your ears in silence. Yes, that's the sound of hope shattering into a million pieces. Star One, Down.
• Received second email from Hype Records. Sly's schedule clashes with ours. Great. Star One, Down and Out.
• Junyang's newly contracted to a recording company. Red tape. Red tape. Red tape. Red-forget-it-tape.
  

The Good:

• A trip to the salon to wash my hair.
• A 2 hr-lunch with Low, Xinjie & Pauline.
• Got my 17" LCD monitor back.
  

待すよ 俺は待つてる

愛してる こ の 言葉 が
あ の 日 言え ずに

傷 ん で ゆ く な ざ な
ねえ 君 は 愛 の 續 ず き お
なえ　誰としてる

Updated Profile

I was so bored, I updated my profile.
You want to click it, click it....

Hmm...I've just noticed that it's displayed at the side.
It's a long list, so, happy digesting!
*-_-*

Personality Test

At this site, choose one of the following pics:


Results:

Let's Do Some Math...

Long working hours
+
emotional stress
+
mental stress
+
physical stress
+
limited hours of sleep
(3-4 hours per night)
+
irregular mealtimes

[ lifetime record: 23 hours without food on 27 Sep 05 (Tues) ]
+
as-long-as-it's-edible-i'll-eat-it attitude
+
daily 5-more-minutes-before-the-bell-rings drama
+
unprecedented rain
+
perhaps-if-i-were-to-run-faster-i-would-not-get-wet mindset
+
other external factors beyond human control
=
A Recipe For Disaster
=
Mich Down, Mayday!
=
Sore throat, runny nose, cough, migraine
=
*sniffle, wheeze, urgh, achoo, ack-ack, bleah*
=
Mich's bi-monthly trip to the doc's

借口 - 周杰伦 [Excuses - Jay Chou]

借口 - 周杰伦

翻着我们的照片, 想念若隐若现.
去年的冬天, 我们笑得很甜
看着你哭泣的脸, 对着我说再见
来不及听见, 你已走得很远,

也许你已经放弃我, 也许已经很难回头,
Perhaps you've given up on me, Perhaps everything's too late.
我知道自己错过, 请再给我一个理由, 说你不爱我
I know I've missed my chance. But give me another reason why you no longer love me.

就算是我不懂, 能不能原谅我,
请不要把分手当作你的请求
我知道坚持要走 是你受伤的藉口
I know your persistence in leaving is an excuse to hide your pain.
请你回头, 我会陪你一直走到最后

就算没有结果, 我也能够随
Even if things weren't meant to be, I would take it in my stride.
我知道你的痛, 是我给的承诺
I know your pain is caused by my promise
你说给过我笑容, 沉默是因为包容
You said you've given me smiles and happiness, your silence is mere tolerance.

如果要走, 请你记得我 If you have to go, please remember me.
如果难过, 请你忘了我 If I've caused you sadness, please forget me.

Stream of Consciousness

I'd thought
.....I was right.
.....things were not what they seemed to be.
.....the exit on the other side had been sealed.
.....it would be divulged.


Perhaps
.....I was wrong.
.....I was not.
.....it was genuine.
.....it was a facade.
.....there are external factors.
.....it's just me.


Was I....
.....too naive?
.....hesitant to rock the boat?
.....blatant?
.....subtle?


Would you
.....know that I've kept the truth from you?
.....tell me that you've stumbled upon it on your own?
.....tell me what you know?
.....prolong this shroud of pretence?
.....persist in oblivious indifference?

Follow The Arrow....

Alex went to Haw Par Villa on Saturday. "I wouldn't want to dine in this restaurant,"he quipped. Well, leave me out of the picture too.