Monday, September 30, 2013

Suppose...

Hello, my dear reader(s)!

Wherever you may be on the globe, let me share a song that inebriates my subconscious whenever I am sad. Perhaps it will be your earworm henceforth. Beautifully crafted, the only tangible measure of its context is the extent to which your keyboard is soaked by the time you get to the end.

When one draws a sword, bloodshed is expected. When two bear arms, it invariably results in casualties. The pilferage is consequential to none but those involved.

It cuts & works both ways, ifyou You get what I mean.


Suppose I call you up tonight,
And told you that I love you.
And suppose I said I wanna come back home.
And suppose I cried and said I think I finally learnt my lesson,
And I'm tired of spending all my time alone.

If I told you that I realised you're all I ever wanted,
And it's killing me to be so far away.
Would you tell me that you love me too?
And would we cry together?
Or would you simply laugh at me and say,

"I told you so. I told you so.
I told you someday you'd come crawling back
And asking me to take you in.
I told you so, but you had to go.
Now I've finally found someone new
And you would never break my heart in two again."

If I got down on my knees and told you I was yours forever,
Would you get down on yours too and take my hand?
Would we get that old time feeling?
Would we laugh and talk for hours,
The way we did when our love first began?

Would you tell me that you've missed me too
And that you've been so lonely?

And you've waited for the day that I'd return?
And we'd live and love forever
And that I'm your one and only
Would you say that the tables finally turn?


Would you say,
"I told you so. I told you so.
I told you someday you'd come crawling back
And asking me to take you in.
I told you so, but you had to go.
Now I've finally found someone new
And you would never break my heart in two again."

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Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Word.

Who would put everything on hold for a single word?

9 years of everything but a verbal affirmation.

For reasons known only to Yourself, You just wouldn't say.

Circumstances are but excuses.

Friends don't understand why that singular syllable held such significance.

"You know the Answer."
"You know he does."
"Do you really need an answer when it's so obvious?"
"Why are you denying that it's a huge yes?"


These are but speculation.

2579832159022370021690 gestures on your part could light up the entire Earth but it would not suffice.

Until it is articulated by You, nothing holds true.

But I do not want to subject myself to anymore tears while awaiting the monosyllable and so, I've turned tail and fled, abandoning my heart in the process.

I've given You 9 years,

You've given me all but the 1 word I'd been waiting for.

Poignance weaves a sad smile and lays its heart to rest.

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Monday, September 23, 2013

Let That Be Enough.

My modus operandi of the week is to simply forge ahead

And be oblivious to the obvious.

First, the scrawls.
Next, the place.

It is where my heart is.

You know it, for I've told you that if I could, I'd love to live in ____.

You will not take those wonderful memories away, as much as you try to remind me of your existence.

Why do all these,

Only when I've decided to let go?

Because You do not want to lose?
Because You cannot believe that the last line of defence has thrown in the towel?
Because You regret not telling me in return?
Because You still have feelings for me?

None of this is reality, for it is mere speculation in my head.

Conjectures will remain as such so long as You continue to play this game of Coincidence : Round 263690248032.

No.

I want to be OK.

I don't want to have slivers of pure joy sandwiched between layers of agony and tears.

Love is a many splendoured thing, but shards & fragments sure ain't part of that mix.

The guise,

The pretence,

The secrecy we've I've had to endure,

The tears...

Dear You, life has got to carry on.

Mine has been on hold for 9 years,

And soon, it shall be 10 when You return.

Let that be enough.

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Changing Hands

Dear God,

Change me.
Change my heart.

Because I want to,
And not because I have to.

Erstwhile, grant me strength;
Stoicism in the face of the impending onslaught will be crucial.

Be still, my heart.
Nonchalance would be good.

The Lord will fight for you. You need onlt to be still. ~ Exodus 14:14

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Friday, September 20, 2013

And, Why See?

Why?

Every step of yours gravitates towards a convenient coincidence.

Congrats, I've noticed.

Congrats, you've my attention.

Now what?

Why wait till now

When it is

Too little, too late....?

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Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Noteworthy.

I saw it.

Why?

I no longer want to ask myself that question that has plagued me all these years.

If You'd wanted me, You'd have stopped me.

If I'd meant that much to You, You would have said a word.

2005.
2006.
2007.
2008.
2009.
2010.
2011.
2012.
2013.

I've traded 9 years for a burning question that I'd buried within. They said that the answer was clear, that You did. Your actions clearly indicated that You did.

When I tried to nonchalantly claim that it could very well be doe-eyed friendship, I was met with mock admonishment and loads of eye-rolling. "It's been 9 years and you know that both of you are not letting go."

I knew that You knew. You knew that I knew that You knew.

Of course You did.

But we had to pretend that nothing was going on.

You knew I had that on the tip of my tongue just before You left in December 2012.

You knew that as we stood face to face on that very night, it was then that I finally let my guard down. I told You I was afraid that You'd disappear henceforth but You laughed and promised that You wouldn't.

I missed Your text when You asked if I were still awake at 2am and if that You should call me. I replied half an hour later and waited by the pool for the call that never came.

I was crushed.

Up till that point, I could accept that I was to be hidden. I knew that IT would not last because You were still hanging onto me, albeit shrouded in secrecy.

Yet, You left without THE call.

I cannot allow my scabs to be picked on constantly, or I'd never heal.

I am as strong as my mind wants to be.

It is up to ME to change my life.

So dear You, I love You very much.

Minutes ago, I saw what You'd written in the note & I wept bitterly.

Why?

I gave You 9 years but 'twas in vain.

Why now, when I've chosen to let go?

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Sunday, September 15, 2013

Moving On.

As long as I keep on moving,

I will get there.

Stagnation is an option, so why wager on that?

YOLO.

Make it count!

You gotta move it, move it

Tra-la-la! =)

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Saturday, September 14, 2013

Spare Change. =)

Dear God,

Change Me.

Change my thoughts.
Change my behaviour.
Change my words.
Change my ways.

It is up to ME to clean up MY mess.

I'm ready to be Happy. :)

Amen!!

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Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Fabulously So.

It's uncanny how we'd invariably be posting at the same time.

Dear You,

I hope that IT will all pan out well.

I'm not a vindictive person.

I wish You nothing but the best.

A Single Note.

I have died every day waiting for You.
Darling, don't be afraid
I have loved You for a thousand years.
I'll love you for a thousand more.


This refrain needs no introduction.

You know, I'd hoped that You'd play a song for me someday. It was a wish I'd secretly harboured.

Seared in my memory is the image of You showcasing your talent on the keyboard. As each week went by, I'd be drawn to the magic that was You.

That is how I remember You at The Place where we'd spent our childhood, adolescence and part of your adult years.

What's augmented are the fragments.

The shards screech and squeal on their own accord.

And just like that,

It shall pass

Without a single note.

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Saturday, September 07, 2013

Dream On.

The pages rustled faintly in her hands.

It was a 10-page letter.

She never got to read it;

It was then that she stirred and realised that it was just a dream.

Someday we'll find it
The rainbow connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me...

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Friday, September 06, 2013

KO.OK.Y?

I want to be OK.

And I know I will be.

=)

Monday, September 02, 2013

The First : Splurge to Purge

So, September has had its fair share of Day Ones.

But 2013's different.

I went out and practically bought the entire boutique along Orchard Road.

No, it wasn't done at a whim.

It was a conscious decision to be rid of a portion of my old clothes. A wardrobe change would do me good.

I've been hoarding these loins, worn & unworn (with price tags attached!), since adolescence. While numerous items with designer labels have been given away when I was 20, a large part tarries in the depths of my closet. This is due to the emotional attachment affixed on each item.

Because books and clothes form my identity, I've been quite the hoarder of pulp. *Gulp*

Thus, if I can let go of these clothes, I will learn to let go of the past.

It is ritualistic in a sense - the tangible loosening of one's grip on physical entities will lay the ground for the paradigm shift in mindsets, which is the crux.

I don't have to.

But I want to.

9 years is enough.

I've waited (and wilted) thus far.

It's enough.

You cannot keep me as someone to bolster your ego, someone You'd run to when you need comfort, someone You know who'd always be there, someone who'd give her all for You.

I love You.

You know jolly well that I do.

But I cannot allow this to be exploited at my expense.

I've allowed You to hide my existence and wallow in silence, not knowing when You'd return.

I thought, no, believed that You'd loved me too, at least in the past.

9 years is a whisker away from a decade.

How many decades punctuate one's life? Not many, I'm afraid. Of 3 that have passed, 1 has been solely devoted to You. That's one-third of my life.

November & December 2012 were months that I'd foolishly believed It would be so. Never mind ____. I knew it would be transient. Because You'd chosen to keep me around & went out of Your way to do certain things despite ____.

I don't want to be bitter.

I don't wish to be saddled with misery.

I don't like tearing on a daily basis.

That is not Living.

I want to be Happy.

I'd hoped so much that I could grow old with You.

I'd wanted to make amends so badly for The Choice.

In fact, tears cloud my vision at this moment as I type furiously within these parameters.

I'd wished that if I could not have spent my youth with You, then I would ebb away into my silvered years with You.

This naive thought has translated into flickers of Joy that were doused with Fears & Tears.

So, You see,

By emptying my closet,

I'd be able to fill my heart with Happiness once again.

It may not be what I want,

But at the very least, the tears will come to a halt.

As expounded in my scrawls elsewhere that evoked Your response,Shit Happens.

You know my drill -

It's up to ME to clean up MY mess.

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