Tuesday, May 31, 2005

From the desk of ME-Shell

Dear Miss K.P. Oh,
With regards to the previous inferno on my constant refusal to divulge my online blog, I humbly beseech that you glaze over the following reasons which may/may not answer your queries:
  • My blog is a sacred shine. It hosts my thoughts and feelings. Reining me in is a niggling sense of pride. In other words, exposing myself to the world and contributing to someone else's gossip palate isn't exactly a prime choice.
  • If you've noticed (or rather, if you've bothered to notice), my posts are all about M-E. That's right. I'm staying true to my moniker ME-Shell. It is I. My comfort zone is within this hollow, intangible shell where I've carved an identity for myself. An unconscious deficit in self-esteem? Narcissistic? Aye, perhaps. It's the only place I get to be who I want to be & what I want to be. ME-Shell's the boss here.
  • My cellar of escapism, no doubt, lies on this screen, staring back at me. As the letters dance across the screen, I'm trying to make sense of current ongoings, situations, circumstances, tangles, whatever-you-deem-it. Translating transient objects of subconsciousness into virtual musings is a skill that needs to be constantly honed. Bundling the two objectives seems only logical.
  • Stumbling across your cousin's friend's ex-girlfriend's brother's blog isn't fluff conjured out of drama serials. Coincidences do occur, unfortunately, often at the wrong stakes. Deprivation and elimination are hence, the best ways to avoid offending your auntie's former neighbour's nephew's cousin unsuspectingly. Just as this letter is targetted at you, Honourable Ms K.P.Oh, you would remain blissfully unaware of the presence of this scathing article. Really, you don't have to thank me for it.
  • Back to Point One, I suppose you could tilt your head towards the bolts and locks on your door. Yes, I'm guarding against lashbacks, just as you are forestalling potential pilferers. Judgements, chidings and the works are best avoided when Nobody knows Anything. You see, in our human makeup, there is an inclination in assuming the Superior Position with self-righteous vigour. That's anything but desirable.
  • Fundamentally, the perception of weakness is unacceptable. The pedestal must not waver. Consistency is key. Strength & congruency gain acceptance, and really, that is all I want to be - accepted. It is a simple quest fraught with many obstacles.

I would like to express my appreciation of your concerted concern. Meanwhile, you may contact me at 1800-LEAVE-ME-ALONE (toll-free) for further clarification. Thank you for your time.
Yours Sincerely,
Miss ME-Shell T.

Ching Chong Song

For the first time, you're going to -gasp- witness chinese characters streaking across your screen.

歌 手: 孙燕姿
我不难过


我不难过 这不算什么
只是为什么眼泪会流
我也不懂 就让我走
让我开始享受自由
回忆很多 你的影子也会充满我生活
我并不懦弱
你比谁都懂 虽然寂寞
这会是我 最后的宽容

Monday, May 30, 2005

Banter with Kr

Mood: Sensitive

The following is part of my conversation with Kr on the phone:

Kr: I cannot do anything. Or maybe I'm too ultra sensitive.
Me: Me too. Both of us are.
Kr: Uh huh...I wonder why.
Me: You know why? Coz it matters too much to both of us. Do you feel like you need to do something desperately?
Kr: But there's nothing I can do...
Me: And yet, you are subconsciously procrastinating
Kr: uh huh
Me: Coz deep down inside you know it's not what you want to do, but you have to do it, whether you like it or not.
Kr: Uh huh, I guess you're spot on.
Me: Do you realise we're in a parallel situation? What are you going to do about yours?
Kr: Something. And you?
Me: Well, something too.
Kr: Maybe nothing. We'll see.
Me: Perhaps. Perhaps. It all comes to naught, anyway.
Kr: A big fat zero.
Me: Zilch isn't exactly my favourite figure.
Kr: Ah well, good luck to you.
Me: Same to you, man.

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Execute Order Mudpie!

So, I stirred and groaned at 1pm. It was time to wake up after a late night's sleep at 5am. Scrutinizing my battleplan, the plan of the day was to do absolutely nothing in the comfort of my home. Alas, a change of events soon followed. I checked my phone and realised Ka had messaged earlier. Honestly, I wasn't in the mood to go out, but I decided to meet Ka at Suntec anyway and grabbed an outfit which needed no ironing. We combed Mango (disappointing), Novo (no new shoes), Blum (too expensive to justify a weekend splurge - $360 for a casual dress?!! ), Ozoc (too many people), GG5 (overpriced for a local brand - $82 for a skirt at work? Thanks but that price tag isn't justified on a local label. I'd rather get one from Mango instead.), Topshop (they didn't have a new piece in my size - size 6 >.< ), Iora (same old stuff for work), Polo Ralph Lauren (those designs didn't appeal to me).....and so, off we adjourned to Citilink. There, we ambushed Furla (not worth the hefty price tag), VNC (no new shoes), Series (blah), Ig's Heaven (nothing intriguing) and back to M)phosis. By that time, we were pretty miffed. The past five hours of walking had yet to be justified. Then...hey presto! Finally, we swiped our cards at M)phosis.

At this point of time, Dank's message came through. Totally unplanned, we met up at Singtel at the last minute. Inspired by a wave of hunger & thirst, I thought of Gloria Jean's at One Fullerton. Unfortunately, it was a long march AND Gloria Jean's had ceased to exist. I was resigned to our fate and we went to Baker's Inn. Penne with ham & bacon (basically Penne carbonara) and 2 iced teas were my orders, while Dank had something with mushrooms and a Kilkenny draught. Dessert didn't look that palatable and so, I suggested heading back to Suntec for a mudpie at NYDC -beams-

Along the way, BG George Yeo whizzed past us. Unrecognised by the crowd, he was flanked by a few burly men in black suits. Eventually, we arrived at NYDC and Dank had a cappucino float (or so I think) and we shared a tiramisu mudpie (liqueur-layered just for Dank). Dank kept harping on the sinful fats which we had consumed (hello? you are NOT fat!) and his fetish with the ripe old age of thirty. Rhapsodies of "Collide" filled the air to our pleasant surprise.Thereafter, we abandoned plans of hailing a cab from both towers at Suntec. The queue at the taxi stand outside Carrefour was horrific! By a stroke of luck (yes, yes.....and Dank's sharp observation), we chanced upon a taxi stand at the entrance of the Convention Hall. Like Cinderella, I stepped into my house at the stroke of midnight. (read: Urgh! The midnight surchage was applicable!)

I'd like to add that I enjoyed Dank's unexpected company on a Saturday night. It was a fun-filled first meeting. Thanks, Dank! Additionally, apologies for the excessive crapping as Mich was quite worn out by the time we'd met. Compulsive crap's often the side effect of fatigue. Sorry lah!

Saturday, May 28, 2005

Ditties at 4am

It's 4am and I'm wide awake. Caffeine intoxication. Amalgamation of melodies and acrid, piquant lyrics come to mind. Here's my list of musical nonpareil:

Keane - Somewhere Only We Know
Oh simple thing, where have you gone? I'm getting old and I need something to rely on. So tell me when you're gonna let me in? I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin....And if you have a minute, why don't we go talk about it somewhere only we know? This could be the end of everything, so why don't we go somewhere only we know?

Ryan Cabrera - True
You might think I don't look, but deep inside, in the corner of my mind, I'm attached to you.I'm weak,it's true. Cause I'm afraid to know the answer.Do you want me too?Cause my heart keeps falling faster.
I've waited all my life to cross this line to the only thing that's true. So I will not hide, it's time to try anything to be be with you. All my life I've waited, this is true.

Howie Day - Collide
I'm quiet, you know. You make a first impression. I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind. Even the best falls down sometimes. Even the stars refuse to shine. Out of the back you fall in time. I somehow find you and I collide.....(not to mention the infectious "doo doo doo doo dooo, doo doo doo doo doo")

Lifehouse - We'll Never Know
Tell all the dreams you've let slip right through your hands. Do you feel lost inside of someone else's life?......Failure is the only way to learn till you've come undone.The rest will never find out what they might have been. And we're not going to live forever. Can you tell me is it now or never? I'm not gonna make up your mind. I don't wanna live without you. And I don't wanna live a lie. We'll never know till we try. Yeah, we;ll never know till we try...

Green Day - Boulevard of Broken Dreams
I walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known. Don't know where it goes, but it's home to me and I walk alone....My shadow's the only one that walks beside me. My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating. Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me. Till then, I walk alone....

Nirvana - All Apologies
What else should I be? All apologies. What else should I say? Everyone is gay. What else should I write? I don't have the right. What else should I be? All apologies. In the sun. In the sun, I feel as one. In the sun. In the sun. Married. Buried. I wish I was like you, easily amused. Find my nest of salt. Everything's my fault. I'll take all the blame, aqua seafoam shame. Sunburnt with freezeburn, choking on the ashes of her enemy.....

Mario - Let Me Love You
You should let me love you, let me be the one to give you everything you want and need. Baby, good love and protection. Make me your selection. Show you the way love's supposed to be......

Maroon 5 - If You Only Knew
I wake up. Thoughts of you tattooed in my mind. As I wonder what to wear, what to eat, who to be. Will I see you again? ...If you only knew what I went thru just to get to you. I'm hanging from you and I'll hold on if you want me to...

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

LC's coming home

A spurt of colour in my otherwise black day....

LC's coming home. Finally from the Land of Oz. My guardian angel, I truly appreciate the times when he kept me sane with those lengthy long distance calls from Australia in the middle of the night. I recall all his advice / admonishing. Being the nephew of the Attorney-General of Singapore, he's never mentioned how wealthy he really is until Des leaked it to us. It took approximately two years before I discovered that fact. LC's extremely candid, brutally frank and humble, which is why I respect him a lot. Beating around the bush isn't his nature. Born with a silver, no, diamond spoon in his mouth, he lamented about his stepfather's extravagant splurges on daily fine dining, 4-figured sums on dinner, no less. Flabbergasted? Well, I was. Being the juvenile adult he is (yes, an oxymoron indeed), the only food he's craving for this instant is.......wanton noodles at City Plaza. Gosh, he's dripping with money and yet he's such a scrooge. My best friend is finally coming home, albeit for a transitory short week. We were astonished at the realisation that we've been firm buddies for seven years! In case anyone is wondering, our relationship is strictly platonic. He is like a wise, elder brother I never had.

In a 3-way conversation with Di on the phone, she mentioned that her father had made some major losses in his business and so the Samuel family had to move out of their $6m pad at Orchard Road to a $4m bungalow along Upper Thomson. Dix is complaining about the lack of a lush garden they had previously, where he could practise his weird antics involving combinations of backflips and handstands. LC teased Di about moving away from An and that juvenile bantering continued for a while among the three of us. Di is going to resign from Microsoft Australia and returning to Singapore. She claims that she misses me too much, to which I snorted in mock disgust. More importantly, she misses the gaggle of siblings at home.

Both of us agree that LC is nuts. He doesn't need the dough but he's started work as a croupier at a casino which is an hour's drive away from his university. He's played in the VIP room, with stakes as high as 6-figure sums! Fortunately, he hasn't made any significant losses to warrant a lashing from his mother. By "significant losses", he meant less than 10k at a time. (!!!) Apparently, he became bored with placing bets and decided to occupy the position on the opposite side of the table instead. N-U-T-S. In his defence, LC stated a two-prong rationale: he could stop losing money and curb his decadent habit while actually gaining financially with pure hard labour.

My two closest pals are on their way home. Somehow, that provides momentary relief.

Sunday, May 22, 2005

And so, I woke up from my nap. Nothing has changed.
I cried again. I can't stop nor help it.
I'm terribly miserable right now.

No Mood for a Title

I'm not in a mood to blog now.However,I've nothing to do anyway, so I'll just sit here and type away relentlessly, numb to my thoughts and for once, without any editing, save for any errors in spelling.

I cried today. It has been so long since tears have last trickled, into my carbonara pasta, no less. In the comfort of my home, away from the prying eyes of the public who do not know you and yet judge your moments of follies, I cried.

LOSER> The very word I loathe to hear, the very entity I'm most afraid to become. Right now, I am a perfect embodiment of one. At this instant, I feel like a total dork, a misfit, a reject. What's the irony in this? My initial happiness has caused my misery. Talk about cause and effect.

The happier I am, the more miserable I feel. Heightened levels of delight only serve as a reminder that one day, all these will be taken away from me. Zero. Nought. Finito. It will come to pass. Positives are only transient in my life, nothing but shadows which diminish over time. I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. Wrought in my emotions, there was nothing I could do but allow my tears to flow. Crying is a form of weakness. I have shown weakness. Priding myself as a pillar of strength, I've crumbled today. Rarely have I even displayed a sad face to any peer, constantly choosing to portray a cheerful disposition instead. It's this pressure to upkeep that sprightly spirit that contributes to the overwhelming web of emotions.

Right now, an old song comes to mind although the context of the rest of the song is irrelevant:
Can you help me, I'm bent?
I'm so scared that I'll never
Get put back together.... [Matchbox Twenty - Bent ]

I'm tired. I shall take a nap now and wake up to find that everything hasn't changed.

Saturday, May 21, 2005

You can't match this.

Yet another corny joke from Leion:

Once there was a matchstick. It scratched its head. then it died.

Friday, May 20, 2005

A Tip for the Guys

An original quote (courtesy of Leion):

How To Impress A Girl:
drive a car. best if no roof
drive to cross junction with red light camera
tell her you wan to take a photo with her ask her smile
then drive pass the red light and smile!

That cracked me up on an otherwise mundane Friday.

Guys: Any other creative ideas in addtion to Leion's?

Thursday, May 19, 2005

When We Are In Love

Thanks to {-^_^-} who had forwarded this cheesy yet poignant flow of thoughts.

BOY: I saw her today
GIRL: I saw him today

BOY: It seems like it's been forever
GIRL: I wonder if he still cares

BOY: She looks better than before
GIRL: I couldn't stop staring at him

BOY: I asked her how things were going
GIRL: I asked about his new girlfriend

BOY: I'd choose her over any girl im with
GIRL: He's probably really happy right now

BOY: I couldn't look at her without starting to cry
GIRL: He couldn't even look at me

BOY: I told her I miss her
GIRL: He doesn't mean it

BOY: I meant it
GIRL: He didn't mean it

BOY: I love her
GIRL: He loves his new girlfriend

BOY: I held her for the last time
GIRL: He gave me a friendly hug

BOY: Then I went home and cried
GIRL: Then I went home and cried

BOY: I lost her
GIRL: I still love him

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

The A-Z Guide of Mich's Cognitive Cycle

Project Cognitive Cycle
(a) Something must be done.
(b) I'm hesitant.
(c) I do not know.
(d) Why?
(e) I'm afraid.
(f) Self-reproach: COWARD!
(g) -sheepishly admits-
(h) What is the right thing to do?
(i) What is 'right' anyway?
(j) Who decides what is 'right' and what is 'wrong'?
(k) Why?
(l) To conform?
(m) A lighter conscience?
(n) Deflecting responsibility?
(o) I know I have to.
(p) I know I must.
(q) I'm afraid of the unventured.
(r) The unknown resultant.
(s) Why?
(t) Maintain status quo (repeat ad nauseum)
(u) Escapism.
(v) Perhaps.
(w) What if it doesn't even matter?
(x) What's really stopping me?
(y) Fear? Apprehension? Pride?
(z) Something must be done......yes....I know.....
.
.
.
(a) Something must be done.
(b) I'm hesitant.
(c) I do not know.
(d) Why?
(e) I'm afraid..
.
.
.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Moo Vee

I must mention this.

Ryan Cabrera's CD is SOLD OUT. Well, at least that was the case at Plaza Singapura yesterday. I don't like Plaza Singapura, save for the fact that it's easy to book GV movie tickets through the phone & parking's cheap. Other than that, shopping at PS is a bore.

The final instalment of Star Wars will be out on 19 May. I'd rather watch The Jacket (starring Adrien Brody) but my herd instinct tells me I'll catch both. Kingdom of Heaven was utterly boring, not to mention historically inaccurate. Saladin was the perfect foil though. That kept the movie going, and me awake. Epics of Gladiator/Alexander proportions are perfect lullabies. To get an idea of my inclinations, here's a list:

Serious ( Yawn-inducing to some?) movies:
- The Thin Red Line
- Cast Away (how can you NOT like Tom Hanks?!!!)
- A Beautiful Mind
- The Hours
- The Aviator (really, everyone should stop dismissing Pretty Boy. His acting is superb.)
- The Interpreter
- Ray
- The Jacket
- Hamlet
- Farenheit 9/11
- Pearl Harbour (although disappointingly, it focused more on the romps of Josh Hartnett than the war itself.)

Commercially-tweaked-for-guaranteed-box-office-success movies:
- The Terminal (Tom Hanks yet again!)
- Catch Me If You Can ( The score reads: Leonardo DiCaprio 2, Tom Hanks 3)
- Pirates of the Carribean (Johnny Depp!)
- Oceans' Eleven / Twelve
- Kill Bill 1/2
- Shrek 1/2
- Matrix
- Day After Tomorrow
- Mission Impossible
- Lord of the Rings (I must say that this is one rare fantasy movie that piqued my interest)
- Spiderman
- Hitch (how could you NOT like Will Smith?!!!)
- Independence Day
- Men In Black

Comedies / Toilet Humour:
- Love Actually
- Meet the Parents (Ben Stiller's the Man!)
- White Chicks
- all the Scary Movies

Why-do-movie-studios-bother-with-these Movies:
- Fantasy movies (eg The Adventures of Riddick was nothing short of being senseless)
- Alexander / Gladiator ( don't get me wrong. I like historical movies but somehow, glorifying one man in three hours just seems pompous.)
- All horror movies (there are people out there whose mission in life is to induce fear in us, no doubt)

As mentioned, I've a weakness for movies which intrigue the mind or tug at the heartstrings. I must say that my chips are constantly on movies starring Tom Hanks, Leonardo DiCaprio, Johnny Depp, Sean Penn & Will Smith. They're my Pentagon. Adrien Brody's inching his way in gradually.

I can't wait to catch the Jacket!
Sunday Strrrrrrrrrrrretch
(read: Why Mich Hardly Steps Out Of the House on Sundays or WMHSOOTHOS for short, which incidentally, isn't that short an abbreviation. Conversely, there's a nice onomatopoeic ring to that.)

  1. Late, Late Saturday nights are the primary culprits. We're talking about 4am trips to Slumberland. Having to rise at 8am after barely 4 hours of blanket drill is certainly a struggling feat. At the stroke of 1pm on Sundays, all I want to do is sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep....which ironically, I don't even when I've reached home.
  2. Sundays are days when families and kids in tow head out to the suburban malls for some quality time. (read: wailing babies, irritating whizzing kids, a nation of half-awakened slobs in their unironed tees and wrinkled bermudas pacifying the abovementioned wailing babies, old and young alike depleting the nation's food supply between 12 and 2 pm, the list goes on....) It's a nationwide conspiracy, I'm telling you.
  3. Looming ahead is Monday. Mon -yawn- day. Sunday is thus perfect for meditating on the past week's events and the week ahead. (translation: denial that work beckons in 24 hours.)
  4. Rewarding oneself is essential. Mental note to self: Surely a week's worth of labour deserves a day's rest? Being able to unwind and do absolutely nothing for a full day is gratifying when frenzied insanity fills the other six days of the week.
  5. Do you really want a fifth reason? -beams-

Saturday, May 14, 2005

Who am I kidding? It's blatant for all to see. Stop pretending. I wish I could. I'm tired of questioning, of doubts. Denial can only be rooted to a certain extent. To have one more day, we cry. So what? Would it rectify/remedy anything? Ramification & its acceptance require courage. Even more so now. What has to be done, will be done, must be done.

Friday, May 13, 2005

I, Nose.

Finally, I've succumbed to the Nose.With some incomprehensible scribbles, the doctor issued me a medical certificate. Here's my day of Nothing:

5am : Woke up feeling groggy
5.30am: The Nose started its own marathon. The Throat seized the opportunity to compete.
6am : Stepped out of shower. Sneezed my way through 2 packs of tissues.
6.10am: Read the previous day's papers & downed a glass of warm milk.
6.50am: Called the General Office. Went back to bed.
3pm : Jolted up from sleep. Had lunch comprising of rice, curry chicken, fishcake, egg & sambal kangkong.
4pm : Sweltering heat brought on another trip to the shower.
5pm : Went to the clinic. Apparently, this wasn't my lucky day. It was closed.
5.30pm: After combing the area, all SIX clinics were closed. Drats. Bought 8 days.
6.30pm: Went to the doctor's again.To my relief,it wasn't closed. Dr Ong wasn't in. Dr "Sissy" Leong was.Urgh.
7pm : Finally home with the essential Paper.
7.05pm: Here I am. Voila~

Thursday, May 12, 2005

If

Word of the Day: If
  • IF I hadn't been caught in the rain, I wouldn't be facing this screen with a river in my nose.
  • IF I had known I'd be caught in the rain, I would not have dragged myself to work despite feeling worse than crap.
  • IF I hadn't slept late despite being ill, I would not feel as horrid as I do now.
  • IF a picture paints a thousand words then why can't I paint you? -- song
  • IF I weren't an extremist & perfectionist, perhaps life would be simpler.
  • IF life were simple, what experiences can I speak of, having nothing but drones day in and day out?
  • IF I could do something, I would.
  • IF I knew everything, I wouldn't be pondering about the various forking avenues...
Would I?

#5

#1: [Good] Discovered "Collide" sitting pretty at 18th position on the Perfect 10's Top 20 List. It's heading up the charts.

#2: [Bad] MF has done it yet again. She'd concocted a web of deceit to lure YL away from me. It's been 5 months. YL and I are still waging a cold war, namely due to my pride. Betrayal guarantees immediate elimination from my list of friends. YL had taken me too much for granted. Little did she know that I've simply a high level of tolerance for crap. MF was the catalyst. Lately, YL's been attempting at small talk, but I've ignored her. Hypocrisy had/has never been my forte. -shrugs- I've ascertained that she's puzzled with my drastic change in attitude towards her. In a morbid way, I'm gratified. Although there are many whom I hold close to my heart, nobody is indispensible. Once the line has been crossed, you're on the way to the Land of No Returns.

#3 MF has done it yet again. She'd concocted a web of deceit to lure YL away from me earlier on. Today, she's gone on to stage her own dramatic soliloquy. While invigilating KF's class, YL discovered to her horror that a pupil was down with chicken pox. Compounding the fear of infection was her pregnancy. Yes, shingles may have a devastating effect, but does it warrant an overture of wails & shrieks....at work? That was what she did. With an accusing finger poitnted at KF, MF sobbed uncontrollably and wailed that KF had witheld the vital information on purpose. KF was apparently riled at being maligned. Swaying as her tears fell, MF had to be supported by LL. Drama Queen. Bah!

#4: ---too tired for #4--- This will be edited in the hours/days to come.
=)

Monday, May 09, 2005

Hi Ho Hi Ho It's Off to Work I Go

Right now, I'm waiting for the exam papers to arrive. Meanwhile, I've nothing to do. Well, I've something to do -- clear my awfully messy table. Oh well, I'll leave that till term break. Great procrastinator I am, eh?

In the days to come, I sense a mad frenzy. Collation of results by the day after the exam, departmental meetings, meet-the-parents-even-though-I-don't-want-to sessions, entering of marks via the Cockpit system (which always c**ks up, remaining true to its given name indeed.), departmental stock-taking, departmental presentations (which I absolutely hate because the Lady from Hell would never fail to call me the night before D-Day and coo "Can you add another 20/30/any random number slides?".....at 11.30 pm, AFTER we've had our departmental meeting on the very same day from 8am to 5pm.)

My exam papers have yet to reach my desk. Heh. More personal time. P is listening to Norah Jones on her laptop. F is saying that's the main cause of his current drowsiness. Heh. KF has brought oodles of noodles.......macaroni.. *smacks lips* Free Lunch! Ooops. That's how cheapskate educators are. The mantra is "When in school, eat like a fool". Nobody would believe us when we say that educators do not have the time to head for the loo (well,save for rare instances such as this) or the insufficient time allocated for recess. We should be integrated with the army. Most of us are able to wolf down a bowl of soup noodles in less than 5 minutes.

Oh no. I see Number One approaching. Exam scripts trail behind. It's back to work!

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Singaporean Parents - Bah!

"Excuse me," the voice rumbled from behind. I shuffled aside only to have the man's finger shoved next to my face, after which the imperative "You.Go.Down." was heard. Like clockwork, I did as I was told . As he surged forward, he grunted, "So stupid." Then it hit me. Why should I tolerate this from time to time again? Is it due to my petite frame? Having good manners is one value right up on my priority list. Apparently riled, I told the man that his derogatory remark was uncalled for. With a son in tow, he had the cheek to raise his voice at me. Here was a man who knew little that his behaviour would be aped by his son in time to come. After all, children are reflections of their parents. Ironically, these are the parents who would be baffled when their children's lives are derailed.

Courtesy begins at home. How true that cliche is. Inculcation through textbook-based lessons are only sufficient to pass moral education written tests. The real life lessons begin with the parents. It's sad that parents these days fail to see the root of their children's problems begin with, well, the parents themselves. They're quick to point an accusing finger at the school, the teachers, the child's peers, the education system, the government, the nation, the region.....anything but themselves. We see an increasing number of parents with high levels of education. Does this translate to a more cultured & dignified generation of children? No. Increasingly, children are throwing more tantrums, being more disrespectful, displaying open defiance to authority and simply blase in the face of punishment. Why? Well, well, well. I've news for you. Encountering parents from different walks of life, there's no surprise to reach this conclusion: parents' mannerisms are often mimicked by their own children. Subtly, gradually, but surely, the osmosis reaches completion when the children grow up. Only then do these pompous parents throw their hands up in despair, agonize over the recurring situation and seek divine help in desperation.

The Ugly Singaporean Parent Epidemic has certainly reached gargantuan proportions.

-Enter Stage Right-

Act I Scene I:
On the train, kids are screaming and speeding across the carriage.
- Parents then: Spank the brat, give them a earful of warnings and rebuke the fella for behaving in an
inappropriate manner publicly.
- Parents today: Ignore the brat(s), engage in chatter among themselves, occasionally gush "Boy, careful ah!" in
loving admonishment, if that's not an irony in itself.

Act II Scene II:
At a buffet spread, the prawns/crabs/lobsters/expensive seafood have just been dished out.
- Parents then: Individual portions for each member of the family. Simulatneous double portions are frowned
upon. One must finish his individual portion before heading back for a second helping.
- Parents today: Children are the ultimate buffet ammunition -- Load the kid with a plate, Aim for the
appropriate moment, Charge him forward for double servings, ousting the rest in glee.

Act III Scene III
:
In school, the teacher points out a child's errant behaviour to his/her parents.
- Parents then: Whack the bugger in the presence of the teacher "Why didn't you behave?" / "Why are you so naughty?" / "Why are you always like that?" , thank the teacher for bringing this critical issue to their attention, throw the kid a wait-till-we-get-home-this-isn't-over glare.
- Parents now: "But my child isn't like that at home." / "Are you sure?" / "I'm sure other children are worse." /
"Kids are like that." Sure, be on the defence team. When your child hits home run with a shelter for delinquents, don't cry foul then.

Don't blame it on external forces. Don't blame it on the media. Don't blame it on Iraq. (Yes, you see how pointless these arguments are, don't you?) We can have all the let's-be-gracious-and-all-its-synonyms campaigns in the world and yet nothing will change, if not degenerate, if parents persist in this moral myopia fail to prune their children right from the start.

-Exeunt Stage Left -

True - Ryan Cabrera

True - Ryan Cabrera

I won't talk
I won't breathe
I won't move till you finally see
That you belong with me

You might think
I don't look
But deep inside in the corner of my mind
I'm attached to you

I'm weak
It's true
Cause I'm afraid to know the answer
Do you want me too?
Cause my heart keeps falling faster

I've waited all my life
To cross this line
To the only thing that's true
So I will not hide
It's time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited

This is true

You don't know
What you do
Every time you walk into the room
I'm afraid to move

I'm weak
It's true
I'm just scared to know the ending
Do you see me too?
Do you even know you met me?

I've waited all my life
To cross this line
To the only thing that's true
So I will not hide
It's time to try, anything to be with you
All my life I've waited

This is true

I know when I go
I'll be on my way to you
The way that's true

I've waited all my life
To cross this line
To the only thing that's true
So I will not hide
It's time to try, anything to be with you
All my life I've waited

This is true

----------------------------------------------------


I'm too physically tired right now to analyse/blog anything. That explains the trusty old 'cut and paste' of this song. Thanks to C who'd sent the mp3, it's my current fave.

I''m struggling to remain awake. Bedtime!

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Kerching!

My enchantment with pain continues. Retail therapy proved to be futile today. In an hour, I'd spent over two hundred dollars. What else but mindless purchases of shoes & clothes? Listless swiping of the card provided instant gratification, if only for a moment. It's always for a moment. As senseless as it sounds, my emotional diarrhoea gravitates to a centripetal force - The Moment. Live for the moment. Seize the moment.

Pick Your Moment:
The Moment Factory (basically a timeline of events)
Moment By Moment : Hymn
From Dictionary.com: Definition
Moment of Silence: Remembering The Iraq War (inclusive of a real-time counter of the dead)
Moment's Notice Travel: Escapism from daily nuances
Capture the Moment: The Pulitzer Prize Photographs
This Perfect Moment's gone.....literally.
The Perfect Moment: Sermon
.
.
Perfect Moment: Mary Griffin
( Lyrics or Mp3 sample )

This is my moment. This is my perfect moment with you.

I need to stop dwelling on words, instances, moments. I need to but perhaps I may not want to. I may not want to but perhaps I need to. Mangled mind with mangled words.

I must not succumb to the knee-jerk recluse. Shrouding escapism, be gone.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Riled!

As I'm typing, J's driving me nuts. He's sending text messages about how he's missed being together with me, retracing the routes we used to stroll, gushing about "us" collectively. Not wanting to be nasty, all I could muster is "It's all in the past" when really, "&#(*&@(#@#(@#@!!!" is dancing in my head. I should mention that this "past" has been half a decade ago, back in late 2000/early 2001. I ought to be flattered and of all people, I should be able to empathise with him. Perhaps I do. The irony is that's possibly the reason he's clinging on till now. I haven't had the heart to say "Go away!" into his face. There's little I could do to cushion his hurt if I'd done so. URGH....there goes another message "I hope you haven't forgotten your old love." Actually, I'm fine with people worshipping the ground I trod upon and showering me with expensive gifts. Heh. That doesn't happen to me every single day. However, I'm not any other girl who is mesmerized with a fancy jewel before her eyes. It's the manner in which he conjures an imaginary future that annoys me. I mean, I cannot possibly fathom someone naming our future child/what we'll do on Sundays as a family, etc when we're not even an item to begin with! At least, that has been the way for the last 5 years. I can only hope that he'll fade away eventually. Being the nice person that I am (heh heh heh), the idea of remaining platonic friends is fine with me. URGH. There he goes again. "Do you miss me?" [real answer? "Hell, no!"] What can I say? "Only in the platonic sense."

It's so darn ironic that an assertive person like me can be lost for words at a time like this.
-waves a white flag-

Monday, May 02, 2005

For You

I'm just a click away from you. You pop up a message. I reply. We chuckle. We joke. I think. You think. Yet, this isn't exactly real. We're virtually connected, in space, in time, but not in reality. When you've something on your mind, I listen. My mission is not to solve your problems. It is not my business nor am I in the position to do so. What you have at hand, you know it best. Neither can I dictate that you divulge everything. As mentioned, that is your personal issue you have to grapple within yourself. Only you can unlock your chains of torment. When, where, how, why -- only time will tell.

In this blurred continuum of what's real and what's not, the blatant truth is, any existing problem is real. I want to help you, in whatever possible way you allow me to. You control the gameplan. Perhaps "help" is a wrong word to utilise. I want to listen to you and know that your next step is inching towards a better day. As with anyone who crosses my path, it always saddens me when someone's skies are grey.

Your persona may not be real. Your words may not be literal. It doesn't matter. One thing is evident though - I just want to see someone else being a little happier, having one more smile in this world. And right now, I want to see that person in you.

Sunday, May 01, 2005

Mich's Top Ten Poems

Enthralled by nostalgia, Noel Lee's image is in my head - the best PC (practical criticism) tutor anyone could ever have. Noel Lee ignited a passion for Literature in us. Shakespeare/Donne/Wordsworth/boring blase baldies muttering rubbish (heh) were putty under Noel Lee's scrutiny.

Having time as spare change today, I've compiled a list of poetry -- some were analysed in class while others were scoured through on my own during those years. Apologies if this is visual torture. I've (or should I say, "had") a voracious appetite for poetry. Wait till you get till the end(ie number ten). Now, THAT puts insanity in a whole new perspective!

=Mich's Top Ten Poems =

(1) The Bait by John Donne.

Come live with me, and be my love,
And we will some new pleasures prove
Of golden sands, and crystal brooks,
With silken lines, and silver hooks.

There will the river whispering run
Warm'd by thy eyes, more than the sun;
And there the 'enamour'd fish will stay,
Begging themselves they may betray.

When thou wilt swim in that live bath,
Each fish, which every channel hath,
Will amorously to thee swim,
Gladder to catch thee, than thou him.

If thou, to be so seen, be'st loth,
By sun or moon, thou dark'nest both,
And if myself have leave to see,
I need not their light having thee.

Let others freeze with angling reeds,
And cut their legs with shells and weeds,
Or treacherously poor fish beset,
With strangling snare, or windowy net.

Let coarse bold hands from slimy nest
The bedded fish in banks out-wrest;
Or curious traitors, sleeve-silk flies,
Bewitch poor fishes' wand'ring eyes.

For thee, thou need'st no such deceit,
For thou thyself art thine own bait:
That fish, that is not catch'd thereby,
Alas, is wiser far than I.


(2)The Thousandth Man by Rudyard Kipling.


One man in a thousand, Solomon says,
Will stick more close than a brother.
And it's worth while seeking him half your days
If you find him before the other.
Nine nundred and ninety-nine depend
On what the world sees in you,
But the Thousandth man will stand your friend
With the whole round world agin you.

'Tis neither promise nor prayer nor show
Will settle the finding for 'ee.
Nine hundred and ninety-nine of 'em go
By your looks, or your acts, or your glory.
But if he finds you and you find him.
The rest of the world don't matter;
For the Thousandth Man will sink or swim
With you in any water.

You can use his purse with no more talk
Than he uses yours for his spendings,
And laugh and meet in your daily walk
As though there had been no lendings.
Nine hundred and ninety-nine of 'em call
For silver and gold in their dealings;
But the Thousandth Man h's worth 'em all,
Because you can show him your feelings.

His wrong's your wrong, and his right's your right,
In season or out of season.
Stand up and back it in all men's sight --
With that for your only reason!
Nine hundred and ninety-nine can't bide
The shame or mocking or laughter,
But the Thousandth Man will stand by your side
To the gallows-foot -- and after!


(3)Ah, Are You Digging On My Grave? by Thomas Hardy

"Ah, are you digging on my grave,
My loved one? -- planting rue?"
-- "No: yesterday he went to wed
One of the brightest wealth has bred.
'It cannot hurt her now,' he said,
'That I should not be true.'"

"Then who is digging on my grave,
My nearest dearest kin?"
-- "Ah, no: they sit and think, 'What use!
What good will planting flowers produce?
No tendance of her mound can loose
Her spirit from Death's gin.'"

"But someone digs upon my grave?
My enemy? -- prodding sly?"
-- "Nay: when she heard you had passed the Gate
That shuts on all flesh soon or late,
She thought you no more worth her hate,
And cares not where you lie.

"Then, who is digging on my grave?
Say -- since I have not guessed!"
-- "O it is I, my mistress dear,
Your little dog, who still lives near,
And much I hope my movements here
Have not disturbed your rest?"

"Ah yes! You dig upon my grave...
Why flashed it not to me
That one true heart was left behind!
What feeling do we ever find
To equal among human kind
A dog's fidelity!"

"Mistress, I dug upon your grave
To bury a bone, in case
I should be hungry near this spot
When passing on my daily trot.
I am sorry, but I quite forgot
It was your resting place."


(4) A Poison Tree by William Blake.

I was angry with my friend:
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe;
I told it not, my wrath did grow.

And I water'd it in fears,
Night & morning with my tears;
And I sunned it with my smiles
And with soft deceitful wiles.

And it grew both day and night,
Till it bore an apple bright;
And my foe beheld it shine,
And he knew that it was mine,

And into my garden stole
When the night had veil'd the pole:
In the morning glad I see
My foe outstretch'd beneath the tree


(5)You Are Old, Father William by Lewis Carroll.

"You are old, father William," the young man said,
"And your hair has become very white;
And yet you incessantly stand on your head --
Do you think, at your age, it is right?

"In my youth," father William replied to his son,
"I feared it might injure the brain;
But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
Why, I do it again and again."

"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
And you have grown most uncommonly fat;
Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --
Pray what is the reason for that?"

"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
"I kept all my limbs very supple
By the use of this ointment -- one shilling a box --
Allow me to sell you a couple?"

"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
For anything tougher than suet;
Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak --
Pray, how did you mange to do it?"

"In my youth," said his fater, "I took to the law,
And argued each case with my wife;
And the muscular strength, which it gave to my jaw,
Has lasted the rest of my life."

"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
That your eye was as steady as every;
Yet you balanced an eel on the tend of your nose --
What made you so awfully clever?"

"I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs!
Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
Be off, or I'll kick you down the stairs.


(6) Auguries Of Innocence by William Blake.

To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower,
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour.

A Robin Red breast in a Cage
Puts all Heaven in a Rage.
A dove house fill'd with doves & Pigeons
Shudders Hell thro' all its regions.

A dog starv'd at his Master's Gate
Predicts the ruin of the State.
A Horse misus'd upon the Road
Calls to Heaven for Human blood.

Each outcry of the hunted Hare
A fibre from the Brain does tear.
A Skylark wounded in the wing,
A Cherubim does cease to sing.

The Game Cock clipp'd and arm'd for fight
Does the Rising Sun affright.
Every Wolf's & Lion's howl
Raises from Hell a Human Soul.

The wild deer, wand'ring here & there,
Keeps the Human Soul from Care.
The Lamb misus'd breeds public strife
And yet forgives the Butcher's Knife.

The Bat that flits at close of Eve
Has left the Brain that won't believe.
The Owl that calls upon the Night
Speaks the Unbeliever's fright.

He who shall hurt the little Wren
Shall never be belov'd by Men.
He who the Ox to wrath has mov'd
Shall never be by Woman lov'd.

The wanton Boy that kills the Fly
Shall feel the Spider's enmity.
He who torments the Chafer's sprite
Weaves a Bower in endless Night.

The Catterpillar on the Leaf
Repeats to thee thy Mother's grief.
Kill not the Moth nor Butterfly,
For the Last Judgement draweth nigh.

He who shall train the Horse to War
Shall never pass the Polar Bar.
The Beggar's Dog & Widow's Cat,
Feed them & thou wilt grow fat.

The Gnat that sings his Summer's song
Poison gets from Slander's tongue.
The poison of the Snake & Newt
Is the sweat of Envy's Foot.

The poison of the Honey Bee
Is the Artist's Jealousy.
The Prince's Robes & Beggars' Rags
Are Toadstools on the Miser's Bags.

A truth that's told with bad intent
Beats all the Lies you can invent.
It is right it should be so;
Man was made for Joy & Woe;

And when this we rightly know
Thro' the World we safely go.
Joy & Woe are woven fine,
A Clothing for the Soul divine;

Under every grief & pine
Runs a joy with silken twine.
The Babe is more than swadling Bands;
Throughout all these Human Lands

Tools were made, & born were hands,
Every Farmer Understands.
Every Tear from Every Eye
Becomes a Babe in Eternity.

This is caught by Females bright
And return'd to its own delight.
The Bleat, the Bark, Bellow & Roar
Are Waves that Beat on Heaven's Shore.

The Babe that weeps the Rod beneath
Writes Revenge in realms of death.
The Beggar's Rags, fluttering in Air,
Does to Rags the Heavens tear.

The Soldier arm'd with Sword & Gun,
Palsied strikes the Summer's Sun.
The poor Man's Farthing is worth more
Than all the Gold on Afric's Shore.

One Mite wrung from the Labrer's hands
Shall buy & sell the Miser's lands:
Or, if protected from on high,
Does that whole Nation sell & buy.

He who mocks the Infant's Faith
Shall be mock'd in Age & Death.
He who shall teach the Child to Doubt
The rotting Grave shall ne'er get out.

He who respects the Infant's faith
Triumph's over Hell & Death.
The Child's Toys & the Old Man's Reasons
Are the Fruits of the Two seasons.

The Questioner, who sits so sly,
Shall never know how to Reply.
He who replies to words of Doubt
Doth put the Light of Knowledge out.

The Strongest Poison ever known
Came from Caesar's Laurel Crown.
Nought can deform the Human Race
Like the Armour's iron brace.

When Gold & Gems adorn the Plow
To peaceful Arts shall Envy Bow.
A Riddle or the Cricket's Cry
Is to Doubt a fit Reply.

The Emmet's Inch & Eagle's Mile
Make Lame Philosophy to smile.
He who Doubts from what he sees
Will ne'er believe, do what you Please.

If the Sun & Moon should doubt
They'd immediately Go out.
To be in a Passion you Good may do,
But no Good if a Passion is in you.

The Whore & Gambler, by the State
Licenc'd, build that Nation's Fate.
The Harlot's cry from Street to Street
Shall weave Old England's winding Sheet.

The Winner's Shout, the Loser's Curse,
Dance before dead England's Hearse.
Every Night & every Morn
Some to Misery are Born.

Every Morn & every Night
Some are Born to sweet Delight.
Some ar Born to sweet Delight,
Some are born to Endless Night.

We are led to Believe a Lie
When we see not Thro' the Eye
Which was Born in a Night to Perish in a Night
When the Soul Slept in Beams of Light.

God Appears & God is Light
To those poor Souls who dwell in the Night,
But does a Human Form Display
To those who Dwell in Realms of day.

(7) Seven Ages Of Man by William Shakespeare.

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players,
They have their exits and entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages. At first the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse's arms.
Then, the whiling schoolboy with his satchel
And shining morning face, creeping like snail
Unwillingly to school. And then the lover,
Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad
Madew to his mistress' eyebrow. Then a soldier,
Full of strange oaths, and bearded like the pard,
Jealous in honour, sudden, and quick in quarrel,
Seeking the bubble reputation
Even in the cannon's mouth. And then, the justice
In fair round belly, with good capon lin'd,
With eyes severe, and beard of formal cut,
Full of wise saws, and modern instances,
And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts
Into the lean and slipper'd pantaloon,
With spectacles on nose, and pouch on side,
His youthful hose well sav'd, a world too wide,
Fir his shrunk shank, and his big manly voice,
Turning again towards childish treble, pipes
And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all,
That ends this strange eventful history,
Is second childishness and mere oblivion,
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.

(8) The Human Seasons by John Keats.

Four Seasons fill the measure of the year
There are four seasons in the mind of man;
He has his lusty Spring,when fancy clear
Takes in all beauty with an easy span:
He has his Summer, when luxuriously
Spring's honied cud of youthful thought he loves
To ruminate, and by such dreaming high
Is nearest unto heaven: quiet coves
His soul has in its Autumn, when his wings
He furleth close; contented so to look
On mists in idleness--to let fair things
Pass by unheeded as a threshold brook.
He has his Winter too of pale misfeature,
Or else he would forego his mortal nature.


(9) A Red, Red Rose by Robert Burns.

O, my Luve's like a red, red rose,
That's newly sprung in June.
O, my Luve's like a melodie
That's sweetly play'd in tune.

As fair as thou, my bonnie lass,
So deep in luve am I;
And I will love thee still, my dear,
Till a' the seas gang dry.

Till a' the seas gang dry, my dear,
And the rocks melt wi' the sun:
I will love thess till, my dear,
While the sands o' life shall run:

And fare thee well, my only luve!
And fare thee weel, a while!
And I will come again, my luve,
Tho' it ware ten thousand mile.


(10) Cantebury Tales : Prologue to The Wife Of Bath's Tale by Geoffrey Chaucer

The full text can be found here , with juxtaposition of a parallel text in modern English (to preserve your sanity!)Meanwhile, here's my favourite part of the Tale, particularly lines 227-228. (If you are wondering, YES, we HAD to digest all of it! 850+ lines of Middle English! And you complain about Shakespeare?!)

189: But that I praye to al this compaignye,
190: If that I speke after my fantasye,
191: As taketh not agrief of that I seye;
192: For myn entente is nat but for to pleye.
193: Now, sire, now wol I telle forth my tale. --
194: As evere moote I drynken wyn or ale,
195: I shal seye sooth, tho housbondes that I hadde,
196: As thre of hem were goode, and two were badde.
197: The thre were goode men, and riche, and olde;
198: Unnethe myghte they the statut holde
199: In which that they were bounden unto me.
200: Ye woot wel what I meene of this, pardee!
201: As help me god, I laughe whan I thynke
202: How pitously a-nyght I made hem swynke!
203: And, by my fey, I tolde of it no stoor.
204: They had me yeven hir lond and hir tresoor;
205: Me neded nat do lenger diligence
206: To wynne hir love, or doon hem reverence.
207: They loved me so wel, by God above,
208: That I ne tolde no deyntee of hir love!
209: A wys womman wol bisye hire evere in oon
210: To gete hire love, ye, ther as she hath noon.
211: But sith I hadde hem hoolly in myn hond,
212: And sith they hadde me yeven al hir lond,
213: What sholde I taken keep hem for to plese,
214: But it were for my profit and myn ese?
215: I sette hem so a-werke, by my fey,
216: That many a nyght they songen -- weilawey! --
217: The bacon was nat fet for hem, I trowe,
218: That som men han in essex at dunmowe.
219: I governed hem so wel, after my lawe,
220: That ech of hem ful blisful was and fawe
221: To brynge me gaye thynges fro the fayre.
222: They were ful glad whan I spak to hem faire;
223: For, God it woot, I chidde hem spitously.
224: Now herkneth hou I baar me proprely,
225: Ye wise wyves, that kan understonde.
226: Thus shulde ye speke and bere hem wrong on honde;
227: For half so boldely kan ther no man
228: Swere and lyen, as a womman kan.

Butchered!

From henceforth, lavatories ought to come with warning signs drenched in neon colours.

Applying lip gloss had never been this hazardous. Busy with my own reflection, I failed to notice the figure plopped right next to me. There was no other soul in sight. Apparently, my attention was focused on... surprise, surprise -- myself. Unfortunately, the same could not be said of her, who was taking a long time to fiddle with her hair. Throwing a casual glance in her direction sent me reeling in horror. She/He/It greeted me with a smile and wink. Recoiling from shock, I kept my poise and headed for the nearest cubicle, my immediate refuge in the constraints of the loo. It was not long before self-reproach saw me venturing out again. This time, she/he/it was leaning against the sink, with arms folded across her/his/its chest. She/He/It beamed at me yet again. Strike Two. I fled the scene immediately. She/He/It trailed behind, sending me scuttling for the nearest escape route. For some strange reason, her/his/its shadow eventually diminished. Relief had never been this intense!P-H-E-W!