V's Wedding @ Raff1es Hote1

A Happy frame before I turn in for the night.
= V's wedding @ Raff1es H0te1 =
(intentional misnomer to avoid random trolling.)

** Thanks, Hao Peng You for being behind the lens with Mich's camera. =)

Dear God, *choke* Help.

Isaiah 43:18
"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past."

Dear God,

Help me to forget the past. Help me not to look back and gnaw on What Ifs. Help me to forget that ___ once made me very Happy. Help me not to be thrown into confusion each time _________ appears or drops a sweet word. Help me not to feel a thing should _____ initiate a sweet gesture. _____ knows me. ______ knows how to talk to me so that I'd let down my guard.

Dear God, I've been pretty Happy lately. I thank You for bestowing Happiness unto me once again. Help me to appreciate what I have and not be affected whenever ___ appears. Help me to get over the bitterness and regrets that have welled up in the past.

I know that according to the trusted people at _________, it would have been a perfect match had it not been for the fact that ____________________. Those words have been swirling within ever since. I ought to have prayed about it before deciding with my carnal mind. I thought I was doing the right thing then. Had I known that ___ was right, perhaps guilt and regret would not have plagued me till this day. Help me not to linger on that notion. Help me not to dwell on past regrets.

I've been running from these people to avoid being associated with ____ and hence, questioned incessantly, as I have been by some of said people. Draw my focus towards servitude towards You, God. Help me not to feel wretched each time a physical reminder pops up at ______. It is where I grew up. I do not wish to leave because of ___ . Help me not to feel anything whenever I catch sight or come into contact with mutual acquaintances.

Dear Lord, I am only human. I try to curtail each emotion and yet, it plagues and festers within. A word still flutters my fragile heart. Help me not to be affected, God - to be stoic and nonchalant.

Slowly but surely, I'd have to be able to face everyone associated with ______. Help me not to feel this terrible gash that rips each time it happens. Cease the painful stab inflicted each time ____ comes into mention. Heal me of this affliction, God.

Above all, God, help me to Choose what is Right in Your sight.

In Jesus' Name I Pray,
Amen.

Of These, I Do Not Understand.

I do not understand why
... you'd drop sweet words of fancy unexpectedly.
... you'd come to me when I least expect it.
... you'd surprise me with a sweet gesture or gift and grin.
... you'd thereafter disappear for some time,
... and then reappear when I seem to be moving on with my life.
... you have impeccable timing when it comes to honing in.
... you seem to know what I'm thinking of and where I am.
... coincidences seem to be rife.
... you never let me forget that you exist.
... you'd not let me go and yet, you won't hold on.
... sometimes, you'd be really sweet but then, I'd catch a flicker of anger/bitterness as you look away and that chills me.

Who are You?
Do I really know You?

You know where You stand, but where is my place?

Hence, why do you entice me if it serves no eventual purpose?

Are You doing this to pay me back in my own coin?

Being Happy.

Castigation and lingual mangling aside, let's simplify what I want to say.

I have been Happy.

I'm trying to be Happy.

I want to be Happy.

"Happy is Everything", that's what You said.

And I, believed it.

I Know That You Know That I Know.

That's the problem, You and I -
We wield pride with our heads held high.

If You shan't say, so won't I.
Though thoughts unfold and multiply.

I know that You have something to say.
Even though You're miles away.

What is it that stops You from coming clean?
To end these struggles that stir within?

Yes, today, You came to mind.
Of yesteryear we'd left behind.

You came, You sat, You left that Day.
I watched You as You walked away.

Come 2010 and yet it seems
No end in sight for shattered dreams.

What is it that You want from me?
I've reaped nothing but futility.

I know there's something on Your mind.
Notions chew and grate in kind.

You won't tell me. You would not say.
And tarried have I till this day.

You won't let go. You won't hold on.
What am I - just a pawn?

If You would tell, then I would say.
It takes two to clap in this foray.

Alas, it ain't a game to me.
For all I ask is to be Happy.

The Answer is simple - Yes or No.
Don't tell me that You do not know.

I came, I sat, I sighed and cried.
Wretched was I deep inside.

For far too long this has dragged.
Forsaking acrid tongues that wagged.

Enough of Whys. Enough of Ifs.
Curtail each whirling thought that drifts.

What do You want? How would I know?
Why do You not just tell me so?

Come burst of sunrays on the morrow,
Would You bring me joy or sorrow?

解脱 (Leaving The Shackles)

Never had I pondered upon these lyrics till today.
解脱 是肯承认这是个错
我不应该还不放手
你有自由走 我有自由好好过

解脱 是懂擦干泪看以后
找个新方向往前走
这世界辽阔 我总会实现一个梦

心里有一种渴望勇敢的念头
不要爱我的人再担心我The final line did me in.

One day, You'll fade from these pages.
Slowly but surely.
I'm trying.
I must.

Uncertainty.

I love my mother;

A tad in excess, I guess.

I'm afraid that in time to come,

as the decades go by,

when she departs,

I'll crumble.

When The Odds Get Even.

Happy 32nd, Qi.

It's been 14 years.

Life has a strange way of meandering.

I left.

You arrived.

At the same time, department and institution - after a decade of mutual avoidance and not knowing where the other party is.

What are the odds? Yet, the truth presents itself in stark reality.

364 days will slip by before this annual habit manifests itself yet again.

Happy p0ttering about meanwhile! =)

Of Twists And Turns.

Nov 17, 2010
Wednesday
4.46am

Stumbling upon a congenital condition related to myself, I am in (mild) shock.

Rein your thoughts before incisive speculation is thrown in for good measure. I'm not about to spiral into an emotional abyss nor bawl to my heart's content. Aside from said shock, albeit mild, I am virtually impervious to this bit of knowledge.

My life has fleshed out in 31 years, with me being perfectly oblivious to this.

Worry not, Friends.

It is not fatal. My health will not suffer. I need no medication.
[ Apologies, Nemesis / Nemeses. You'll have to express your vehemence for many years to come. ]

I need not do anything. It will not affect my life in any way.
[ For the obstinately curious, it has absolutely nothing to do with fertility and its accompanying anatomical structures, thank you very much. That is Those are spritely and well. ]

The question that begs to be uttered is not, "Why Me?"

But rather, "Why now?"

Dear God, what is Your Purpose in unfurling this fact now?

A Sad Frame. =(

Note that the crab seems to portray sadness.
Does this make you think twice about chomping on crabs?
What an immensely cruel way to snuff out the tiny fella's life!

Today. =)

I'm Happy -
Countless wishes on Facebook, smses, emails and calls.
A fantabulous celebration.

Thanks, Everyone!

[and, thank You.]

Life Markers.

Today
is the day
before Tomorrow.

Watering Change.

- view from my window -

Staring into the distance is something that grants me serenity.

It is a habit nurtured since my childhood.

In particular, I used to point excitedly at anchored ships bobbing along the horizon and pleasant waves ushering in waters from beyond. Lights of the night amplified this notion of heightened glee. With the sand in my toes and the wind playing in my hair, my face lit with a smile. The still tranquil waters, be it those of the sea, river, pond or even the reservoir, brought me happiness. This was where I felt safe.

And then, one day, it stopped.

The very images that had brought me comfort now swirled in a mangled cauldron. I could no longer bring myself to register the familiar figures and structures.

A large part of my identity was thus swept away with the receding waters.

Till this day, I find myself turning away involuntarily when they are in plain view.

It's a stark contrast.

How things have changed.

And how I, have changed.

╬ sad smile ╬

A Sinuous Discourse.

I'm dependent on You because You are dependent on me.
You're dependent on me because I'm dependent on You.

In other words,

I feel safe because You make me feel safe
because I make you feel safe
because You keep me safe.

Does it make any sense?

You must.

You must let go of me.

For I do not know how to let go of You if you do not.

Inclined. Reclined. Declined.

╬ dusk ╬

The ceiling greets me. I'm in bed. Sleep is elusive. My thoughts drift, albeit compelled.

I'm about to cry, but the tears do not arrive.

A myriad of frames illuminate what should have been a still night.

Strapping it on;
Laughing;
Windbreaker to shield me.
I felt safe.
I felt protected.
I felt loved.

Now, a tear rolls down my cheek and disappears into my pillow.

My eyelids fall and draw this to a close.

╬ dawn ╬

Notes.

Don't do this. Please.
Don't disrupt her life with sweet words of fancy.

You know how she gets thrown offguard.
You know how it'll swirl in her head.

You know it puts a smile on her face,
Yet she has to consciously bury it in the deep recesses of her mind.

She'll chew on it till the thought's in shreds.
And she'll wonder Why, If and When.

Don't.
Please.

Paint Me A Beautiful Sunset.

As if on cue,
opulent hues welcomed the month of November
in the form of a gorgeous sunset. =)

3 Days.

Friday
I know I've lost you for good this time. You'd reacted swiftly and decisively. A glisten of tears enshrouded but I'd consciously curtailed any notion of going after you.

Sunday
Expecting a nondescript sermon from a guest speaker, the chapter in mention, 1 Kings 18, had a jarring impact. The words in bold exemplify an uncanny parallel to transpired reality.

7 As Obadiah was walking along, Elijah met him. Obadiah recognized him, bowed down to the ground, and said, "Is it really You, my lord Elijah?" 8 "Yes," he replied. "Go tell your master, 'Elijah is here.' "

9 "What have I done wrong," asked Obadiah, "that you are handing your servant over to Ahab to be put to death? 10 As surely as the LORD your God lives, there is not a nation or kingdom where my master has not sent someone to look for you. And whenever a nation or kingdom claimed you were not there, he made them swear they could not find you.

18 "I have not made trouble for Israel," Elijah replied. "But you and your father's family have. You have abandoned the LORD's commands and have followed the Baals.

21 Elijah went before the people and said, "How long will you waver between two opinions? ... But the people said nothing.
As I muddle through unchartered waters, it will be tough. Nary a day would go by without You filling the capricious vacuum within.

It hurts. It really does.

Yet,

Slowly but surely,
This pain will ebb.

It has to.
It must.

Farewell, You.

And Mich, jia you.

"It's not that I won't miss, but I'd have to leave one day.
And when that day comes, ____ doesn't want Mich to die." [ You, 2005 ]