What Makes Mich Happy?

1. Being showered attention / time / love.
2. Listening to music which speaks to the heart.
3. Possessing freedom (yes, an oxymoron)
4. Being in the company of people who do not judge

You may notice that shopping is not in the list. Neither is eating ice-cream. Both are synonymous with my moniker. However, these two activities are only adrenalin fixes. The rush of purchasing that fantastic halter ebbs away as soon as the card is swiped.

You may also notice that the list is not an extensive one. There are few things in the world that can trigger one's inexplicable tendency to flash a smile. (1), being at the top spot, is apparently the paragon of idealistic notions.

Have you made Mich happy? Conversely, what can Mich do to make you happy?

That said, what makes YOU happy?

What Makes You Happy?

Googling the keywords "what makes you happy" churned out this article. A distinct quote that stood out from the rest was "The heart is the happiest when it beats for others." That said, happy reading!

WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY (aka Learning Contentment)
(click on link to read the full article)

Do you know what really makes you happy? Think about that question for a moment. What actually makes you happy? Is it money? Is it friends? Is it possessions? Is it being looked upon by others as being successful?

One of the main reasons there are so many unhappy people in our society is because many have never taken the time to discover what it is that makes them happy. Chances are if you were to ask someone else what would make them happy you'd get a list of the same things I mentioned above. The truth is, most people have a difficult time stating exactly what would make them happy for the simple reason they've never really thought about it.

A successful person by society's standard isn't necessarily a happy person. However, I believe a successful person is always a happy person by the Bible's Standard. Just because a happy person doesn't drive the latest car, or have the finest home in the development, or buy their clothes from the finest clothier doesn't mean that person isn't successful. It only means that person understands that material things are not part of the equation for producing happiness.

Our happiness has nothing to do with our possessions, our environment, or even our health for that matter. Our happiness comes from a source that is independent of all those influences. Genuine happiness is a state of contentment - a peace of mind - a sense of well being regardless of outward circumstances going on in your life. The main ingredient to anyone's happiness is contentment.

Contentment is the number one ingredient to this illusive thing we pursue called happiness.
So -- how do we learn to be content? Let me offer a few suggestions:

(1) We learn to be content when we stop comparing our life and possessions with other people. There will always be houses bigger, better and more expensive than the one we have. There will always be people with much more money than we have. If we keep comparing ourselves to those who are better, bigger, richer, more talented, and better looking, we'll always walk under the cloud of unhappiness.

(2) We learn to be content when we accept the fact that there are some things about our life that we can't change no matter how much we want to, and so we should quit worrying about it.
There are two things we shouldn't worry about. Those things we can change and those things we can't change. I saw this prayer recently on a wall plaque: "God give me the wisdom to change those things that can be changed and the serenity to accept those things which cannot be changed." Contentment comes when we know we cannot change everything about life.

John A. Redhead in his book, Living All Your Life", said there are three kinds of blessings: pleasure, joy, and happiness. Pleasure comes from satisfying our physical senses. Joy comes from our association with others. But happiness results from a right relationship with God.

The heart is the happiest when it beats for others.

"Where your pleasure is, there is your treasure: where your treasure, there your heart; where your heart, there your happiness."
St. Augustine

To be happy, add not to your possessions but subtract from your desires.

It isn't your position that makes you happy or unhappy, it's your disposition.

Farewell Dinner for Ding @ Siglap (23 Dec 05)

Ding is migrating to the United States for good. He's leaving next week. As such, we had a farewell dinner at Siglap.

Dinner: Chilli crabs (Sri Lanka crabs - 2kg), 36 "mantous" (erm...I gobbled 9), Fried Rice, Venison stir-fried with spring onion, "Dou Miao", bowls of White Rice (lost count of the number) and soup.

After dinner, Chris looked discontented. Apparently, what we had consumed wasn't sufficient. I felt like I'd barely tasted a morsel even though I had eaten A-L-O-T. Post-dinner activity was ice-cream at Gelare's where I had a banana split and stole some from others too. (Question in mind: where does my voracious appetite hail from?!)

Here are the long-overdue photos we had taken on 23 December 2005. There are more pictures but I'll have to wait till I locate my Canon cable at my mum's place....

(1) Our deprivation of food can be seen in this picture. By the time the crabs had arrived, we'd wiped out the plates of venison & "dou miao".

(2) It's written all over their faces - Josh, Zhihao & Chris getting ready to tuck in.

(3) Josh zooming in on the shell. You can see that Zhihao is REALLY over the moon with that beam of his. Chris just can't wait to fill his mouth with those crabs.

(4) Oops, there's my hand getting in the way. Hum just needs his Singha beer (Don't be fooled by his skinny frame. He needs a Singha every single day, at almost every meal. While holidaying, he had downed 4 bottles in 7 hours.) Millicent's gripped with fear as she is allergic to shellfish (she gamely nibbled on a pincer anyway, despite my cries of horror). What's on Josh's mind? We'll never know...

(5) At Gelare's [Back: Zhihao, Chris, Ding, Vern, Millicent] [Front: Josh, CZ, Me, Hum] Claudia is missing from the picture as she is "camera-shy". This gal made a star that glowed in the dark for each individual. In addition, she had written a personalised message in a card that was attached to it. Isn't she the sweetest?

(6) Another "cheesy" shot =p

Do or Die : 1 to 6

The little girl chanced upon a shiny cube. It had dots on each side. An idea struck her. She would roll it. When the cube landed, the side which faced upwards would determine her choice:

(1) She could pretend that nothing has happened and live her life in oblivious pretence.
(2) She could pluck up her courage to get an answer once and for all. An answer that she already knows but wishes to be told.
(3) She could walk away and never turn back.
(4) She could let it go slowly but maintain proximity.
(5) She could blurt it all out without thinking, with no regard for the following consequences.
(6) She could suppress everything but resent it.

With fervent contemplation, her prime choice would be the second statement. A taut frown revealed her apprehension. She was afraid that things may change should (2) translate into reality.

Alas! The cube rolled out of her sight. She sighed. Tilting her head towards the skies, she whispered her choice and hoped that the clouds waving above would carry her option with them towards the right direction.

I Have No Title For This Entry

Mich was sad earlier. The pain she feels - nobody, nobody will ever know because she will not tell. It is part of her physchological makeup to remain withdrawn and front an aloof shield to deflect judgements.

She is very, very tired. Tired of fighting against everything. Tired of justifying her actions. Tired of her struggle to cling on. Tired of being tired.

December 26, 2005:
You may feel locked in a bind of deep emotion and stubborn attitudes with close friends or lovers, Michelle. Perhaps it is hard for you to say what you really feel because you are under the impression that you are being tested and judged by everyone around you. Try not to let your ego get in the way of a good time. Say what you feel without getting worried about how others will react.

She must now take a deep breath and maintain her grin from cheek to cheek as she steps out to face the world. She is quick to divert their attention.

Nobody notices that she hurts inside.

Fear - Shaken, Not Stirred.

I've been gripped by fear lately. An overdose of it, for that matter. I fear that it will eventually become nothing but a diminishing shadow. Not by my choice, but a chosen path beyond my control. I'm tired of weighing what is right and what is wrong. Do I not know the distinction between the two? Why should I adhere to the cookie-cutter bestowed unto me?

Hush and be still. Close your eyes and be whisked away into another world. A place where the sea stretches far beyond the horizon. With the wind in our hair, there is nothing but silence for company. Grains of sand between our toes, laughter breaks the inhibition composed.

I've been waiting all this while. When will it be known to me?

I Don't Want To Be A Memory

(Chorus)
I don't want to be a memory,
Just a shadow in your mind;
I want to be the one you always need,
Not the one you left behind;
I don't want to be a notch in your handle,
Another love casualty;
So lay back down and let's talk it over,
Cause' I don't want to be a memory.

Don't you remember how it used to be,
When we were so in love;
Spent the nights in a two room flat,
Drinking wine from a coffee cup;
Making love was so very easy,
We couldn't get enough;
I never dreamed that there would come a time,
When you'd think about giving it up.

(Chorus)
I don't want to be a memory,
Just a shadow in your mind;
I wanna be the one you always need,
Not the one you left behind;
I don't want to be a notch in your handle,
Another love casualty;
So lay back down and let's talk it over,
Cause' I don't want to be a memory.
I know you've had other lovers,
That's all history;
I've got to know that you'll let me be the last one,
To share your company!

(Chorus)
I don't want to be a memory,
Just a shadow in your mind;
I wanna be the one you always need,
Not the one you left behind;
I don't want to be a notch in your handle,
Another love casualty;
So lay back down and let's talk it over,
Cause' I don't want to be a memory.
(Repeat Chorus, Fade out)

James Blunt - Goodbye My Lover

Daniel introduced this song to me in the still of the night at about 2am. It's an awesome angst-ridden song. James Blunt, as usual, delivers the right amount of melancholy.

Watch the Music Video via RealPlayer or Windows Media Player.
(click either player to stream the video)
Alternatively, you can click here. Scroll to the end of the page and select the appropriate player.


Lyrics:
Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

What Did You Do On Christmas Eve?

Merry Christmas!
Here's a hilarious Hokkien ecard from the Singapore Youth For Christ website to brighten your day. (click the words in yellow to view)

What activities did you indulge in this Christmas Eve?
The average Singaporean would have been engaged in one of the following:

1. Head to church (although pre-Christmas services vary from church to church)
2. Watch a movie (probably Narnia)
3. Go out for dinner
4. Hang out at East Coast / Marina / Esplanade / Singapore River / other water bodies
5. Clubbing at Dbl O / Thumper's / MOS / Zouk / DXO / other clubs
6. Pubbing at Harry's / Brewerkz / Molly Malone's / The Wine Place / anywhere with alcohol
7. Consume coffee / ice-cream / prata / other post-dinner treats
8. Wander around Orchard Road, occasionally whipping out the camera to capture the picturesque lightings along the stretch.
9. Hibernate at home to avoid the crowd. Order pizza / Mac's / other fast-food takeaways.
10. Rent a chalet and organize a BBQ.

I'm guilty of (2), (3) & (7) :

• The initial plan was (9). A last-minute decision at 5.30pm meant we got dressed in a jiffy.
• Had a 7-course set dinner for two that consisted of sharks' fin, abalone with vegetables (abalone always tastes like week-old rubber to me), prawn & bacon rolls, steamed fish, "san bei" chicken (whatever that means), fried rice & almond jelly with longan.
• Watched Narnia. (Discovery: Bookings made with a HSBC credit card via the GV website knocks $1 off per ticket)
• Drove to Dbl O, Mdm Wong's, MOS (the snaking queue was sheer madness) & Boat Quay. Gave up the quest for alcohol & settled for Mochavilla at TCC at 1am.

What about you? What did you do on Christmas Eve?

Pick A Word

If you could use an adjective to describe yourself, what would it be?
Smart? Withdrawn? Boisterous? Explosive?

If I were to select an adjective for myself, it'd be "foolish".

Craig David
....my fault, I'm sorry.
Feeling like a fool 'cause I let you down
Now it's too late to turn it around
I'm sorry for the tears I made you cry

So, have you managed to conjure a word that encompasses your entity?

Point of Intersection

If you could see behind my facade, you would know that I'm not happy. If you could tell that my eyes fail to light up when I laugh, you would realise that I'm morose.

I want to run away to a safe haven where protection from the doldrums is guaranteed. A place that isn't austere nor depressing. A spot with stretches of white sand for me to leave my heavy footprints.

Perhaps suppressing how I feel and morphing into a cold, clinical figure would provide some comfort. Instead of dwelling on that which triggers this upsetting mood, I ought to focus on "happy thoughts". Pray, tell me, how do I go about doing that when my mind is in a wretched state?

I did what I did because I had to, not because I'd wanted to. In the process, I may have delivered hurt right to the doorstep. Perhaps I flatter myself. I don't know. I know not because I've not been told.

It has superceded my own expectations. After an arduous wait for the point of intersection, the lines have eventually crossed but continue towards infinity against their own will.

Cloak me in invisibility. Then, you would not see that I've been hurting all this while.

Dear Friend

Dear Friend,

I wish you well. I wish you happiness. I wish you would tell me something and not hide it from me. I have noticed it. I'm not saying a thing because I want to hear it from you. I'm perturbed. Disturbed by certain events, certain mannerisms, certain words. Are you paying me back in my own coin?

I think I know you, but really, do I?
Are you naive or am I the fool?

I suppose I'll never know.

Life Is A Beach

Mich likes nothing better than to sit at the beach, with the sand enveloping her feet and burying her burdens. Waves lapping against the shore, their fixated rhythm calms what is within.

Everybody used to like the beach. At least when they were kids. Sandcastles are nothing but fractured memories of what it used to be.

She would like to sit on a rock and be wholly consumed with nothing but the glowing horizon before her eyes.

She wants to, but, can she?

Transience

The little girl sat with her chin propped in her hands. She sighed. Numbed, her laments pierced nothing but the still, dark surroundings. She got up and pranced about to shake off her frustrations. Apparently, it was a futile move.

Navigating her way about in the darkness, she ran as fast as her legs could carry her. She did not know where she was headed nor what was left behind. Occupying her mind was a sole determination to distance herself from what was hurting her.

Exhausted after tackling the winding road she had taken, she stopped to catch her breath. There, before her, lay the most spectacular sight she could have ever imagined. A luminous object in the water captivated her. Her worries were momentarily cast aside. Lured by the light in her path, she stared in awe and wonder.

That was all that took to grip her attention for the next few hours. Bothered by its transience, she mustered her courage and with a bold swoop, she sought to cup her hands around the majestic object. To her outrage, she could not lay her hands on it. Repeated attempts garnered the same results. With wet hands, she thumped the ground furiously.

Time went by and the sky began to transform, spilling colours of radiance and opulence. The image of the object grew faint. Desperate to cling onto it, she threw herself into the water without thinking. She knew not how to swim. Gasping for air, she sank further as her hands flapped wildly in the water. Eventually, the ripples ceased and all was still.

-Anger-

Q: Why is Mich sitting at an internet cafe right now?
A: Because she is angry.

Q: What is Mich angry about?
A: Everything.

Q: What does 'everything' constitute?
A: 'Everything' constitutes a whole, not a fraction.

Q: So, what's the whole fuss (or farce) about, really?
A: Why would you want to know?

Q: C'mon. Tell us.
A: Everything is really about nothing at all. You know, much ado about nothing. Ha!

That's just precisely how everything is. Everything is about nothing, really, if you put it in different perspective. You can magnify it, diminish it, eradicate it, propagate it. You can do just about anything, if you want to do something about it.

Minute details aside, I have to slink away into some obscure corner, tuck myself away out of sight and wallow. Just about.....now.

Murphy's Law

Murphy's Law manifested itself today.

(1) Ominous clouds loomed above. Before I knew it, I was caught in the middle of a downpour. Stranded at a bus stop, it provided minimum shelter for me. Helplessly drenched, I tried to flag a cab desperately. Ten minutes later, a taxi finally appeared in sight.

(2) While checking into the hotel, a weird-looking insect the size of my thumbnail nestled peacefully on my thumb as I filled in the required details at the hotel. -scream-

(3) The lure of the Internet proved too great to resist and so, a trip to the nearest Internet cafe was on the cards. Contentedly chatting midway, a power trip was the least of my concerns. Lights out, bro. Fortunately, a kind American lady offered to take me to the neighbouring Internet cafe and voila, here I am.

Being away from Singapore always stirs a gut of emotions within. The physical distance allows me to delve in another physical world that is different from the cookie mould I'm accustomed to back home.

Blatant yet subtle. Evident yet discreet.
I think I know the answer. Am I right?

Everything would work out eventually.
I hope.

An Essay by Samuel P. Huntington

Alex and I were sharing our opinions on this brilliant political essay written by Samuel P. Huntington:

THE CLASH OF CIVILIZATIONS
http://www.alamut.com/subj/economics/misc/clash.html


Who is Samuel P.Huntington?
Samuel P. Huntington is a political scientist and the Eaton Professor of the Science of Government and Director of the John M. Olin Institute for Strategic Studies at Harvard University. He graduated from Yale at the age of 18 and started teaching at Harvard when he was 23. (chorus: FWAH!)

\ Insomnia /

The time on the computer clock states 4:16. It has been 23 hours since I've woken up. I'm not sleepy at all. In fact, I'm wide awake. I've just slurped on a bowl of instant noodles but I wasn't hungry.

Sleep is a strange word at the moment. Insomnia has never been a cause for worry till now. There is a slight tingling sensation on my dry cheeks, not that it matters.

Sleep eludes me.

Because.
If only.
*pause*

Never mind.

Fruit of the day: Mango

The Mango sale starts today.
(read: Nationwide dip in productivity & increased levels of insanity found predominantly in female species.)

Overheard along the aisles of the boutique at Takashimaya -
Girl: Hello, Sir? I would like to take urgent leave. (silence for a few moments)
Girl: Yes.....yes....ok (prolonged silence)
Girl: Thank you, Sir. (turns off cell phone)
Girl (to her friends) : Ok! Take leave already! After this go Wisma!

O_O So much for "urgent leave". I wonder if male bosses have deciphered the mystery of the Missing Female Counterparts when the gong at Mango strikes eight.

Battleplan mapped out below:
5am: Woke up to the wailing of not one, not two but THREE alarm clocks. Barely awake after two hours of sleep, thanks to "somebody" (clue: his name starts with "Dan" and ends with "iel") who was gleefully out at sea and decided to 'disturb' after 2am. Grrrrrrrr....
7am: Rushed out of home. Late! Late! Late!
7.45am: 30+ women were in the queue at the Ngee Ann City boutique.
8am: The automated shutters were raised. Some women started shrieking. (yes, it's that scary.)
9.40am: Escaped with a $200 hole in pocket. Bumped into Linda & Co. Smirks all around. Heh. I must mention that I had selflessly scoured through a million sweaters just to get the exact one Vern wanted. =p
10am: Entered the boutique at Wisma Atria. Spent another $100.
11am: I must be getting old. Energy booster in the form of Yakiniku Rice Burger, Fries and of course, my must-have iced tea.
11.20: Battle resumed at Isetan Scotts. Bumped into Linda & Co. yet again. Both parties proudly declare that it's their 3rd boutique. Rummaged through some capris. Spent another $100.
12.30: Weiyun HAD to drag me to the boutique at Shaw House. Bought another racerback for no apparent reason. Sheesh. (At the last count, I have 9 racerbacks. The only time they are put to use is when I need to visit the doctor. Gee! )
1.45: Surrender at long last. Weiyun went home.
2.30: Ok , so I had to pop by at Forever21 and got myself yet another teal blouse. (Ok, ok, i know! STOP PURCHASING TEAL AND PURPLE STUFF)
3.30: Back at Mum's place. Went to seamstress to alter my clothes (How's that for efficiency, Boss?)
5.00: Back at new home.
6.30: Bushed. Tired. Sleep is not an option. I have to go out again. In five minutes, perhaps.

All I want to do is S-L-E-E-zzzzzzzzzzz..... -yawn-

=Gibberish=

I don't know what to write. What I want to write should not be written. What I do not write should be written. What is written is not what I want to write. That which is not written is what I want to write. Should I write what I want to write? Should I not write what I want to write? What would happen if I were to write the things I want to write about? What would happen if I do not write them down?

If you thought that was confusing, you're probably right about the state of confusion I am in. If you did not find that confusing, then perhaps you are confused about certain things yourself.

Follow me so far?

Simple Simon says, "Raise your hands." (audience raise their hands)
Simple Simon says, "Wiggle your fingers." (audience wiggle their fingers)
"Touch your nose" (some members of the audience do as they're told)
*Beep* (aforementioned members of the audience are booted out of the game.)

Are you lost?
Good.

If you were scratching your head to figure out its relevance to the earlier context, I would like to congratulate you. You're normal. If you were nodding your head in congruence, then I'm sorry to say that perhaps, an appointment with the psychiatrist tomorrow should be high on your agenda.

Please don't mind me. I'm just venting my pent-up frustrations here, where the letters and punctuation marks dance across the screen in synchronised harmony. Made a mistake? It's fine. Just hit <- backspace.

You don't know what you don't know because I am not telling you what you don't know. I know what you know because you know that I know. What I don't know is why you're acting like you don't know when you know that I know. What I don't know too is why I'm acting like you don't know when I know that you know.

So much for unhinged literacy. Words wasted in virtual space, carving nonsense out of a vacuum.

If you're wondering, I'm sober. 100% (GST included).

Word of the Day: Trajectory

There are many questions she wishes to ask, but she is filled with apprehension. She doesn't want to take the first step because she is afraid. Fear grips her. She wants to know, despite the odds. Put aside every trajectory and let her know.

Do You Know Where You're Going To - Mariah Carey

Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you?
Where are you going to?
Do you know?

Do you get what you're hoping for?
When you look behind you there's no open door
What are you hoping for?
Do you know?

Once we were standing still in time
Chasing the fantasies that filled our minds
You knew how I loved you, but my spirit was free
Laughing at the questions that you once asked of me

Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you?
Where are you going to?
Do you know?

Now looking back at all we've had
We let so many dreams just slip through our hands
Why must we wait so long before we see
How sad the answers to those questions can be?

Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you?
Where are you going to?
Do you know?

Do you get what you're hoping for?
When you look behind you there's no open door
What are you hoping for?
Do you know?

Hen Party - Cluckatoo o_O

So, tonight was supposed to be my night. Clubbing at Club Momo with VIP table & champagne awaiting me. Fantastic, right? It couldn't be more wrong.

Desmond did warn me about Club Momo last night amidst dinner with Diana & Daniel. Well, he was proven right on two occasions. First, Rui was denied entry as he was six months short of fulfilling the age requirement of 21. Next, the bouncer was utterly rude to me. That soured the night. Totally unaware that I had connections with the manager via my friend, he spoke with a condescending tone. Furious, I got him to get his manager while I got my friend to mediate. Triumphantly, Rui was allowed to enter on the account of the manager's kind understanding. I would like to note that the manager of Club Momo was extremely tactful and he handled the situation well while the bouncer, well, I've nothing nice to say about him. We hung around, ordered some drinks, got my champagne & took some pictures.

After an hour or so, Del suggested heading to Coco Latte at Gallery Hotel. B-I-G mistake. The place was pathetically small and all of us were bored to tears. There goes the cover charge for 8 people, paid by yours truly.

O bar was on the agenda next. A stone's throw away, it was crowded but the queue moved rather quickly. By this time, Daniel had arrived although he was thoroughly bushed. However, time slipped by and before we could enter O bar / Dbl O, it was 1.30 am. Del & Angelina bade goodbye while the rest of us went for supper at Lao Par Sat.

There, we had 20 sticks of satay. Additionally, Rui had fried rice while Bryan had some dessert. Low & his wife settled for wanton mee. As for Daniel, he went to purchase starfruit juice from Cheers. I'm utterly apologetic towards Rui & Bryan who had sacrificed their precious Saturday for me (aside: I bet you can't tell that Rui is an SAF scholar while Bryan is a future journalist who has had articles printed in Today.) As for Daniel, what else can be muttered but the utterance of 'sorry'? Had I known that Dbl O wasn't meant to be, I wouldn't have asked him over. Angelina has a roadshow tomorrow. Sorry, gal. =(

So, that's it. My fantastic night out. Whoa, memorable eh? Not.

This is certainly not my week. Perhaps it's because something else is on my mind. Its looming presence is too great to ignore. As mentioned earlier, circumstances are beyond my control. A choice must be made soon. It's a choice that I do not want to face up to till it corners me. It's something I've been trying to dismiss but I cannot deny that its presence is anything but negligible.

When will I be forced to come to terms with this? Is it in the near future? Will it never surface? Predictions are never accurate and guesses are often misses.

At the end of the day, what is the expected resultant? To this, I lack a definite answer. What's certain is that one day, the twain shall meet.

Something is happening. I know it. I can feel it. Something is not quite right. It wasn't right to begin with but two wrongs do not make a right. Right? Ha! =/

It's 3am. I'm sitting in front of this screen, staring into oblivion.

It's something that cannot be right. Yet, why does it continue? Why do I persist in doing things my way? I cling on to the shreds with gnashed teeth. Why? The stage of pretence has its actors prancing about, each performing his pantomime. Bound by confinements, feigning ignorance is the best way out. Or is it?

Something will happen if this persists. Subconsciously, it is something I may want to hang onto, despite certain constraints. Circumstances are not within my control. I am not stupid. Being fully aware of each step, grappling with this is difficult.

Throwing caution to the wind, eradication of guised notions is high on my current priority list.
I want to know. Let me know.

History Paper 7

Back in 97, my favourite subject aside from English Literature, was History Paper 7 which basically covered the history of America since the time of Herbert Hoover till today. It was a fascinating subject as we had to keep up with international politics & trade up to the point of the examination date. Time, Newsweek, The Straits Times, The Economist, et al were our reading materials and we had to slave over them on a daily/weekly basis. Devouring textbooks and mere memorization of facts weren't sufficient. Political analysis was the crux in landing a good grade. Our teacher, Miss Eunice Khoo, was a walking history archive. Often, we were amazed at how she could rattle off the dates/events/names without referring to any notes in a single hour. Nothing fazed her. Believe me. You could name the most obscure figure in American history and like Google, she would be able to provide details in 0.37 seconds. Each theory was often refreshing and original. Miss Khoo certainly upped the zeal for History Paper 7 in us.

The civil rights movement was a major topic in History Paper 7. On the bus, the Blacks were often segregated from the Whites who normally sat at the front. The Montgomery Bus Boycott was a milestone in the civil rights movement. The civilian who gave rise to the paradigm shift in racial partiality in America was none other than Rosa Parks.


The civil rights movement had always intrigued me alongside other topics like Communism, The American Presidency, Republicans vs Democrats, Fascism & the Cold War. One topic I loathed was Congress & The House of Representatives.

Reading that article on Rosa Parks evoked nostalgia. I still have all my notes on History Paper 7 & recall terms like glasnost & perestroika. Miss Khoo, you're the best!

I don't believe in auras.

What Colour Is Your Aura?

Your Aura is Yellow

Your Personality: Life's too short not to have fun. Your bright energy brings joy and laughter to those around you.

You in Love: A total flirt, you need a lot of freedom to play. But you'll be loyal to that one man who makes you feel safe.

Your Career: You love variety in a job, and you probably won't stick with one career. You would make a great professor, writer, or actress.

Make a wish at 4am

It's past 4 and sleep eludes me.....

Fairy Godmother: Make a wish.
Me: Package 'Life' with a rewind, pause and forward function, please.

Fairy Godmother: It shall be done.
Me (waits in anticipation): Great!

Erstwhile, nothing happens.

Fairy Godmother (checks instruction manual of magic wand) : Disclaimer - Incompatible with "Life". Upgrade to Impossible.exe
Me: Fantastic.

I don't know what I have done.
I don't know if what I've done has caused an impact - minute or otherwise.
I don't know if it can be salvaged.
I don't know if naivete will emerge victorious.
I don't know how to go about recifying this.
I don't know if everything can remain the same as before.

I know that it is important.
I know that it means a lot to me.
I know that I cannot have my way all the time.
I know that something has happened.
I know that I'm sorry.

Del + Ricky

Unexpectedly, I had dinner with Del today. He was at Mt Faber which was near his workplace. Did I mention that I love going out with Del as he would always take me to a place that I would never have ventured otherwise? It's almost like an adventure, exploring different places to whet our voracious appetites. With our tummies rumbling, we ordered XO chicken, scallops & prawns, some type of soup & another dish (my memory fails me at this point of time). Y-u-m-m-y! With delectable & succulent ingredients, the food certainly pleased our palates!

Ricky contacted me from Canada. He's at Air Georgian now, awaiting a flying position. Having clocked 200 hours, he has 300 more to go while searching for an entry level pilot job. I miss the good old times we had. Initially my computer guy & a friend of Tian Mi's, more interaction led to abandoning scattered computer parts on the floor and dabbling in idle talk instead. It wasn't long before we became good friends. Always one with humour, Ricky's a real joy to talk to. A Hong Kong citizen at birth, he was a PR in Singapore before migrating to Canada eventually. His penchant for cows led to his moniker "Moo Moo". I miss the long conversations, the evil sniggering between us, the private jokes, the silly wide grin he would triumphantly flash whenever he related a corny joke. Good luck, Moo Moo!