Thursday, March 31, 2011

Coping.

I cope by burrowing -

Deep into the Unseen.

I throw on the covers,

Bolt the door

And shut my ears.

There, I remain still, with breathing as the only necessary kinetic form.

The minutes pass.

Then hours slip by,

And soon, morning is nigh.

A day passes and then another.

Time waits for no man, and certainly not for me.

Out of sight & out of mind, I need no intruders.

This is where I'm safe.

Piling the pickets keep me safe.

In isolation.

Alone.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

An Amazing Specialist - Dr Y.




As one of the leading opthalmologists in Singapore, Dr Y is renowned in his field of expertise. As luck would have it, he also happens to be real chummy with my uncle. Hence, I was able to see him at 5pm without waiting for a scheduled appointment. (I'd called at 3pm and the first available slot was slated for Friday. When I mentioned my uncle's name, I was told that I could come at 4.30pm. A lil triumph there!)

Void of the cold, clinical setting that one would expect from a hoity-toity location, his clinic was filled with laughter. There was an air of genuine warmth and happiness.

As you can see from the above, Dr Y is a Christian and I was stepping foot into a Christian-based specialist clinic. Hence, any apprehension that I had felt in the ascending lift dissipated as Dr Y was gentle, warm and thorough in his examination. Unlike my previous experiences with eye infections, I was not there for this reason. It was an alien condition and certainly, it had me scampering to a specialist for good measure. Thankfully, there was no nerve damage and my vision was unaffected.

Amounting to $276, the charges consisted of the following :
- Consultation $125
- Eye pressure test $50
- Eye nerve test $50
- Eye Test
- Medicine (eyedrops, oral medication)

I consider this to be relatively cheap as one would fork out $85 for consultation at the National Eye Centre. $125 had yielded a 1-hour consultation with a leading specialist in my case and we know that in Singapore, opthalmologists don't come cheap. Perhaps I was fortunate to be given a special rate since he was my uncle's close friend.

I've scheduled the next appointment to be on 18 April.

Erstwhile, I'm blessed to be unscathed despite everything.

Really.

Thank You, God. I don't deserve to be blessed in this way but You've extended Your Grace to me. Amen.

Monday, March 28, 2011

For You.

Dear You,

I may never see You again.

I would love to see You but if You were to see me now, it will not be a face that you recognize.

Dear You, if I should never see You again, know that I love You.

I always have.

I want You to remember me as the one who laughed at your jokes, the one who twinkled when You smiled.

That is why I do not wish for You to see me as I am right now.

Remember Pretty Lil Kitten.

10.00 am - 12 pm

Church melodies were conspicuously absent from this particular Sunday morning.

Of course they were, for her feet had yielded a destination away from church.

Silence permeated the room. His eyes were filled with sorrow as they registered her frail frame.

With a sigh, he articulated, "You're very noble. I admire you for putting ___ first despite ____. I'm talking to you not in the capacity of my position but as a fellow human being. You're a fantastic woman. I respect you for putting up with so much."

She smiled sadly and slid on her shades.

"All I want is to be Happy."

A tear fell.

He nodded gravely, "Think of yourself. You deserve better."

With that, she signed the document and left.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Something.

Something's just happened.

Please do not trivalise it because it isn't.

But I can't write about it here.

You'll be shocked and aghast if you knew.

Dear You, I'm sorry I cannot meet You within the next two weeks. I'm not in a state to be seen. I would love to see You. It's what I'd been waiting for. I've missed You. Give me time. All I need is two weeks. Don't fade, please?

To my dearest Friends who care, I'm not in a good state now. But I will be. As always. Give me time too, my Friends. I'm sorry that I will have to absent myself from D's event. It is not by choice. I promise to make it up to her.

Dear God, I've put up when it rained, gritted when it poured and conscientiously kept it afloat.

But now, dear God, the entire thing is in shreds.

I've considered throwing in the towel.

Friend B says I'm silly, because I'm still putting others before myself despite Tonight. "If You keep thinking about others, when will it get to You? When will You matter to yourself?"

-ShRuGs-

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Of Hopes And Dreams.

In my hands are two Wishes which sleet through my being.

Wish #2

Such is my passion for this that the clunky pronouncements have yet to thwart my plans completely.

It is my THIRD attempt.

The string of reassuring rhythms has revived the notion - dormant since the last stumble - that success is within reach.

Amid the pace and breadth of what is to come, Hope rises to the occasion.

For the Greater Good.

Hope hastens to This Purpose. =)


Wish #1

The frail rose wilts in these hairline cracks.

Gently, a figure caresses its soft petals.

A trickle falls and disappears into the bud.

Scars run along and take liberties with the embedded flesh.

She dreams of twirling the rose in her hand.

Its thorns remain foreboding.

She clutches and searing pain follows, naturally.

But, the rose is in full bloom -

Her eyes sparkle at this very thought.

Then, she hesitates.

For would the rose thrive in her hands?

Would its thorns leave her in tatters once again?

She knows not.

Erstwhile, she glances at the rose and smiles ruefully.

Astern.

No.

I shouldn't.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Voices.

Given an academic test, I'd be able to ace it.

But this isn't one, is it?

Second-guessing always results in me thinking that You think in a certain vein and You think that I think along that line too, when neither of us wields that thought but we are convinced the other party is. So, with nary a word uttered, we decide that it's Right when in reality, it's Wrong.

If only each Thought had a voice.

And if only that Voice could be heard.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Turmoil.

A part of me would like to take a leap.

Yet, another portion of my amygdala cautions against wielding too much Hope.

Without Expectations, there can be no Disappointment.

But then again, that's the very stuff that Dreams are made of, isn't it?

What are Dreams, if they're not hinged on Hope?

What is Life, if it's void of Dreams?

I Dream.

I Hope.

I Wish.

But would it be Wishful Thinking?

Would it dissipate into Hurt yet again?

I'd given up The Boy in The Past & fled when He pursued. I'd teared when The Boy drifted away into oblivion and cheered when he returned.

I don't know what to make of recent events & surprises by The Boy.

I Wish and yet, I fear having this wish, choosing at times to dismiss it as my own sheer folly for harbouring such thoughts.

I've not given up on The Boy,

But has The Boy given up on Me?

Make A Wish.

Don't blow the candles out on me,

For they glimmer & put the sparkle in my eyes.

Allow me to come a lil closer

And bask in that which delights.

As If On Cue.


"I think you're running. And what I can't figure out is, are you running towards something you want? Or are you running away from something you're afraid to want?" [Maid in Manhattan]

And just then, that which was in my hand glowed.

It was You. =)

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Update #4 : Respect.

To : The Crew at the Fukushima Daiichi Nuclear Power Station

Regardless of the outcome, thank you for the sacrifice and courage.

You've stepped forward so that others may continue to live with their families and friends.

I may never know your names nor meet you, but I am grateful.

God Bless You.

From : Mich

[1] International Herald Tribune (17 March 2011)



[2] Reuters (20 March 2011)

TOKYO, March 20 (Reuters) - Engineers enjoyed some success in their mission to stop disaster at Japan's tsunami-damaged power plant, though evidence of small radiation leaks highlighted perils from the world's worst nuclear crisis since Chernobyl 25 years ago.

Three hundred technicians have been battling inside a danger zone to salvage the six-reactor Fukushima plant since it was hit by an earthquake and tsunami that also killed 7,508 people and left 11,700 more missing in northeast Japan.

The unprecedented multiple crisis will cost the world's third largest economy nearly $200 billion in Japan's biggest reconstruction push since post-World War II. It has also set back nuclear power plans the world over.

Encouragingly for Japanese transfixed on the work at Fukushima, the situation at the most critical reactor -- No. 3 which contains highly toxic plutonium -- appeared to come back from the brink after fire trucks doused it for hours. Work also advanced on bringing power back to water pumps used to cool overheating nuclear fuel.

Traces exceeding national safety standards were, though found in milk from a farm about 30 km (18 miles) from the plant and spinach grown in neighbouring Ibaraki prefecture.

Tiny levels of radioactive iodine have also been found in tap water in Tokyo, one of the world's largest cities about 240 km (150 miles) to south. Many tourists and expatriates have already left and residents are generally staying indoors. The sample contained 1.5 becquerals per kg of iodine 131, well below the tolerable limit for food and drink of 300 becquerals per kg, the government said. Japan said the traces so far found posed no risks.

Yet U.N. atomic watchdog the International Atomic Energy Agency said Japan was considering whether to halt all food product sales from Fukushima prefecture. The first discovery of contaminated food since the March 11 disaster is likely to heighten scrutiny of Japanese food exports, especially in Asia, their biggest market.

About 257,000 households in the north still have no electricity and at least one million lack running water.

In the face of mounting criticism, plant operator TEPCO's president issued a public apology for "causing such great concern and nuisance".

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Gurgles.

The Future hinges on The Past.

The Past creaks in congruence.

Foreshadowing The Past is The Future had it been The Past.

That said, The Future transpires as The Past whilst The Past veers towards The Future.

Would The Past be The Future?

=)

A Jumble Of Sorts.

GGSZ.

WHAN, YWNYAW. :)

WDNHL.

HQDNZKJN.

WA, WDAR. :)

Acronyms that make no sense to anyone but me.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

22 Hours.

22 hours prop themselves on my eyelids, their gravity assured by the occasional sleight of lashes.

I struggle to stay awake, though sleep must I.

I have no reason to be awake, yet I am.

The amygdala registers familiarity.

It drifts into the unknown,

And all is at rest.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Rolling With It.

My world just got a lil smaller.

Coincidences are rife indeed.

What are the odds?

Literally 0.05%.

And yet, it did.

Someone, hand me a couple of dice.

I'm on a roll.

Hushed.

Hello, You.

Be Safe. =)

Love, Me.

Update #3 : Live from CNN



Tears welled up in my eyes as I watched a white car speed away from the approaching wave of mud, debris and water. I hope the driver made it in time.




Live footage of an earthquake -
The ground cracked and water gushed from the ground.
Pieces of land bobbed up and down like life buoys.
It's all too surreal.

God bless the souls of the Lost, the Living and the Missing.

Update #2 : Góógle Person Finder.



Góógle has launched People Finder to track missing people in Japan.

Please do not abuse this application as exemplified here.

If you're looking for a missing loved one, I pray that good news will come your way.

Labels: ,

Monday, March 14, 2011

Contemplation.

"What happened in the past that was painful
has a great deal to do with what we are today "
[ William Glasser ]

How familiar.

Labels: ,

Update #1

The Good
• Cousin is safe in Yokohama.
• Cousin-in-law made it back on foot from central Tokyo.

The Bad
• Lack of water & electricity.
• In parts of Japan, bread is sold out.
• Cousin is prone to respiratory sicknesses. The average temperature at night is currently 7 degrees Celsius.
• With the nuclear threat looming, evacuation is nigh.
• For some reason (and our source of exasperation), Cousin is choosing to stay put in Japan when common sense says otherwise. Cousin-in-law hails from one of Yokohama's wealthy families and is the director of a conglomerate. It is for this reason that they are choosing to remain in Japan.
• An aftershock of magnitude 7 is expected in the days to come.

Come Home, Cousin.
We're very worried about you.
You need to be alive before you can salvage the family's wealth.
All the money in the world cannot buy your lives.

Dear God, please guide them wisely back to Singapore.

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Sunday, March 13, 2011

Still Smiling.



A lil flutter. =)

Let's Start From Here.



..Standing here face to face
A finger on your lips
Don't say a word, don't make a sound
Silence surrounds us now
Even when you were gone,I felt you everywhere

Let's start from here, lose the past
Change our minds, we don't need a finish line
Let's take this chance don't think too deep
Of all those promises we couldn't seem to keep
I don't care where we go
Let's start from here
Let's start from here




[ Joanna Wang - Let's Start From Here ]

Saturday, March 12, 2011

=)



On a completely different note,
=)

Of Cracks And More.



╫ 2pm ╫

B was about to knock off from work at Es-Pea-Age (read that aloud to register some semblance of logic).

And there was I, between lessons and jesting about with B.

Suddenly, B scrawled the two dreaded words, "Japan. Earthquake."

At the newsdesk, B scurried to dish out media reports and I was receiving real-time information from him.

It was surreal.

A flurry of calls was made to my cousin, who resides in Tokyo / Yokohama (depending on the day / time) but each effort was met with a Japanese automated greeting. Being diverted to my cousin's voicemail ensued till evening.

╫ 6pm ╫

Finally, a crackle that resembled a ringtone pierced the silence and ever faintly, I could make out my cousin's voice. She was safe! Her area had been hit and devastation was inevitable. It was the first time that the thought of losing my closest cousin even occurred to me.

╫ 3am ╫

She is awaiting evacuation and may return to Singapore once flights are available. Rumours of a nuclear emergency are strife. A nuclear emergency has been declared in Japan. It doesn't help that conflicting reports have joined the fray. Make sense of the following, if you will -
(1) The magnitude 8.9 or 8.8 earthquake that struck northeast Japan at 2:46pm local time Friday has forced the evacuation of thousands from a three-kilometer radius of a nuclear power plant following a failure in its cooling system, leading to the threat of a fuel-rod meltdown that has yet to be fully mitigated.

(2) METI did not specifically mention which four plants those were, but a later Juji Press report said that in the Fukushima No. 1 plant's No.2 reactor, which had been shut down, water levels had dropped, "posing a threat of a radiation leak," and that the local governement had urged residents within a two-kilometer radius to evacuate immediately.

A third Juji Press report extended that evacuation radius to three kilometers, and noted that Yukio Edano, Japan's Chief Cabinet Secretary – a position that includes press-secretary duties – had urged the 5,862 affected residents to remain calm.

The government also instructed the 45,345 residents within a 10-kilometer radius of the plant to remain in their homes, despite the fact that no radiaton leak had yet been detected.

(3) According to Reuters, a spokesman for the World Nuclear Association – a nuclear industry trade group – told them that "We understand this situation is under control," after a battery-powered backup system was brought online and began pumping cooling water back into the affected reactor.

(4) A source familiar with battery-power backup cooling systems, however, told the NYT that such systems typically have enough juice for only about four hours of operation. Should a consistent source of power not be restored by that point, the cooling water would boil away, and a fuel-rod meltdown would likely occur.

(5) In perhaps the oddest detail in this still-developing story, the NYT also reported that "United States Air Force planes based in Japan delivered emergency coolant to the plant, Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton said."

[ Source : theregister.co.uk ]

Dear God, please keep Cousin safe.
We grew up in the same house. We ate, laughed, fought and played together till she married S and moved to Japan. She's one of the only two cousins I have on my maternal side. Please guide her footsteps and may she return safely to Singapore if possible. Amen.

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Wednesday, March 09, 2011

781. The Day Is Done.



THE DAY is done, and the darkness
Falls from the wings of Night,
As a feather is wafted downward
From an eagle in his flight.

I see the lights of the village
Gleam through the rain and the mist,
And a feeling of sadness comes o’er me
That my soul cannot resist:

A feeling of sadness and longing,
That is not akin to pain,
And resembles sorrow only
As the mist resembles the rain.

Come, read to me some poem,
Some simple and heartfelt lay,
That shall soothe this restless feeling,
And banish the thoughts of day.

Not from the grand old masters,
Not from the bards sublime,
Whose distant footsteps echo
Through the corridors of Time.

For, like strains of martial music,
Their mighty thoughts suggest
Life’s endless toil and endeavour;
And tonight I long for rest.

Read from some humbler poet,
Whose songs gushed from his heart,
As showers from the clouds of summer,
Or tears from the eyelids start;

Who, through long days of labor,
And nights devoid of ease,
Still heard in his soul the music
Of wonderful melodies.

Such songs have power to quiet
The restless pulse of care,
And come like the benediction
That follows after prayer.

Then read from the treasured volume
The poem of thy choice,
And lend to the rhyme of the poet
The beauty of thy voice.

And the night shall be filled with music,
And the cares, that infest the day,
Shall fold their tents, like the Arabs,
And as silently steal away.

- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807 - 1882)

Source : The Harvard Classics

50. What Is Our Life

WHAT is our life? The play of passion.
Our mirth? The music of division:
Our mothers’ wombs the tiring-houses be,
Where we are dressed for life’s short comedy.
The earth the stage; Heaven the spectator is,
Who sits and views whosoe’er doth act amiss.
The graves which hide us from the scorching sun
Are like drawn curtains when the play is done.
Thus playing post we to our latest rest,
And then we die in earnest, not in jest.

- Sir Walter Raleigh (1552–1618)

Source: The Harvard Classics

Hope.



Ever faintly, she clutches at Hope.

Along.



I long to lay down.
I long to rest.
I long for Life
To end this test.

Fool's Scab



Stationery.

Stationary.

Rip.
Scribble.

Inertia.

Crush.

Toss.

It is but a fool's scab.

I Dreamt Of You. Again.

Once again,

Convoluted imaginings drifted off to You.

I fled from You but Your grip on my arm was firm.

"Why do you keep running away from me?" There was a tinge of hurt in your voice.

"I...I'm scared that reality will trample upon my dreams and all I'd have are mere shreds," I whispered.

Weeping, I awoke to find my pillow soaked.

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

Plangency.



Remembrance of things past
is not necessarily
the remembrance of things as they were.

— Marcel Proust

Marooned.



Some people stumble in the early years of their lives.

Others fumble through adolescence.

It is thought that the age of 21 is of relative safe ground once you're ashore.

It had been smooth-sailing till 26.

Up till that point, it was all pleasure and smiles.

Life took a detour and apologized for showing up late.

Misery was a stranger whose salutations eluded me.

At 32, I'm lost.

And I don't quite know how to navigate my way back

Before choppy waters threw my lil boat against the rocks.

Monday, March 07, 2011

Hence.

A breath of fresh air,
Of Life anew.

A glance in Your way,
For Your nod on cue.

Falling.

If I'd let go of the Left,
Would You catch me on the Right?

Sunday, March 06, 2011

A Word.

• A Call.
• A message.
• An email.

It draws a smile.
Always.

Goodnight, You. =)

Friday, March 04, 2011

To Wade.



The Boy is The One.
The One whom I'm afraid to have.

When The Boy draws near, I run.
When The Boy drifts away, I tear.

The Boy is my dream.
I'm afraid for it to flesh into reality.

Should it go awry, then my dream would be in tatters.
And that would spell the end of me.

This fear governs my oscillation
Of Yearning yet Avoiding.

The waters stir with alluring ripples.

Should I fling myself into the deep end?
Should I stay ashore?

I cannot swim,
But maybe, I can learn to Wade.

Wednesday, March 02, 2011

Her Choice.

She's tired of running away from You;
Tired of trying to distance herself when the reverse is true;
Tired of trying to repress her emotions;
Tired of pretending.

Who would give up The One whom she'd wanted the most?

Who would intentionally sit on her hands and watch The One drift away?

Who would put on the facade of nonchalance when she'd wanted to nurse The One's wounds, laugh at his jokes and cheer for his achievements?

She couldn't even say that she was proud of Him. She shouldn't.

In her mind, she had to do the Right Thing. She had to stay away from The One.

And in doing so, she's been wrangled for 6 years.

This conflict within her - it consumes her wholly.

Because of this, she has changed.

It is easy for naysayers to chastise her. Her rational faculty of mind would do the same.

Running ; Avoiding ; Hurting ; Aggravating - she's done it all.

She wants to shake off these shackles.

How she craves for her freedom!

The freedom to laugh;
The freedom to speak;
The freedom to choose.

And in doing so, she shall be Happy.

She has but one wish -
To Choose and Be Chosen.

:: 与 :: 鱼 ::



海鸟跟鱼相爱
只是一场意外


:: Jay Chou :: 珊瑚海 ::

Tuesday, March 01, 2011

5.15 AM.

Thoughts adrift,
Of what may be.