Cruelty.

How do you live with yourself when your job entails snuffing out the lives of lil mammals that serve as pets?

Or sporadically ensuring that they are infected with tumours, diseases and riddled with various handicaps?

In the name of Science, progress or otherwise known as 'bulls**t', I hope you can sleep at night.

Because I know I won't be able to.

Depiction & Deception : An Analogy.

What hurts most is that each time I'm taken to dizzying heights of joy, it is abruptly snatched from me.

It's akin to closing your eyes and making a wish before the candles are blown but a rude shock awaits you when you open them and not only is the birthday cake gone but also struck with horror to find that the entire room has been stripped bare.

You are left bewildered.

Weren't you happy mere moments ago? Why did these people turn up only to play such a cruel prank on you?

Were they hiding somewhere, perhaps intending to spring yet another surprise on you in the adjacent room?

You sweep the parameters but find nothing. With the birthday hat adorning your head, you wait and hope that they'd be back.

Erstwhile, cheers greet you in the distance. Your heart skips a beat and your pupils dilate in anticipation. You run to the door, only to realise that the party is on the other end of the neighbourhood.

You are confused and hurt.

You'd rather not have a party than to have one that was disrupted when you least expected it.

There are no answers because everyone's enjoying themselves at the other party and scarcely realises that you are conspicuously missing.

Your hapless screams pierce the air but are drowned by the crowd on the other side.

You leave bitterly, tossing the birthday hat into the gutter.

You were no birthday princess. You were the court jester all along.

Day and Night.

By day, it is easy to cloak that which gnaws and go about my way, busying myself with the demands of the accompanying hours.

It is when darkness falls, when all is still, that this pain seeps into the crevices of my mind and much as I try to shake it off by distracting myself with other activities, invariably, I cave like a broken twig and these tears fall.

Be Strong, Mich.

2013 : Make it count.

Sense and Sensibility.

The truth is that you cannot give away what you do not have. If your heart is encumbered with pain and angst, and if your mind is controlled by unconscious patterns, you cannot give unencumbered love to anyone. You become part of the ‘pain chain’, wherein your own hurt is transferred to other people - a ‘victim’ creates another ‘victim’ and the ‘pain chain’ goes on.

Don’t delude yourself into thinking that you can effectively compartmentalise your emotional pain and keep it from infecting your relationship. It requires immense amounts of energy even to keep it contained, where it constantly bubbles waiting to erupt. 

Moreover, the very fact that so much of energy is devoted to containment of the pain undeniably changes you. 

You may have been hurt but understand that those who have victimised you have themselves been a victim of circumstances. One victim victimises another. And you create more victims if you don’t consciously choose to break the ‘pain chain’.

I am not suggesting that you were accountable for what happened to you. Having said that, accountability would mean that the adult holds the responsibility for what he or she does about the aftermath of painful events in life.

If you are aware in the present, you break away from past and you create a new future, and you heal—you are no more a victim, but a survivor.

~ Adapted from Life Positive

Simply Bizarre!

A bizarre way to kickstart the day.

A string of events fell into place, intertwining beautifully with one another.

1 led to 2.
2 prompted 3.
3 strung 4 along.
4 chimed with 5.

Dear God,
I know for sure now. =)

• Update •
And if I'd thought 5 was bewildering, 6 & 7 have just scurried by.

Sheesh, talk about a domino effect!

A Room with a View.

I'm trying to be Happy.

I really am.

Which is why I'm on the 23rd level of The Ritz with an excellent view.

Yet, why am I huddled in the toilet & blogging this entry as I purse my lips tightly to repress any audible whimpering?

What good is a nice life,

If You're not in it?

Hide & Seek.

Am I to be Hidden?
To remain low?
Or to stray afar
For you will not show.

A word would suffice.
A ring would be nice.
That which I hold dear
Has since disappeared.

Am I a dirty little secret,
Or past my expiration date?
Until I am told.
The question gnaws till I am old.

Colour Fool.

Hues - a myriad of them - boisterously registered their presence.

There was I, ambling without a particular inclination when a veritable peg pinched at a memory.

The gaping hole, quintessentially sedimented with sadness, yielded itself in compliance.

Who knew that loins of utility could fester as such?

Uniquely so, it seemed.

Dance.

Tonight, I danced with the stars.

For the Sun has gone,

To where You are.

"...And He Knows When They Fall."

It startled me.

With a creak reminiscent of floorboards begging to be trodden upon, the mind swept aside its gunk and ever so faintly, the piano keys found solace in quantifying my thoughts.

“Our God is far greater than words can make known,
Exalted and holy, He reigns on His throne.
In infinite splendor He rules over all;
Yet He feeds the poor sparrows, and He knows when they fall.

...His power is great and will ever endure.
His wisdom is peaceable, gentle and pure.
But greater than all these glories I see,
Is the glorious promise that He cares for me."

You know the song. You carried its tune.

You were happiest when You played.

And I know that Your dream will be fulfilled.

Someday.

Of Arithmetic & Quarters.

A quarter does not make a whole.

Arithmetic.

Are You Happy?

Have I been part of your Happiness?

Are You Happy?

This time, it's my turn to do the asking.

Opting Out.

What do I miss the most?

It's drawing my eyelids to a close with the last word from You and stirring in the morning, knowing that a sweet message was in my phone on a daily basis.

It's the spontaneous dinners that we'd have and the laughter that we shared.

You'd find lil excuses to meet me, to drop by and so did I.

Pony Tootle, it may have been a long time ago, but I've not forgotten those years.

And just a month ago, as we stood face to face on that cold, rainy night, I was prepared for that which would be finite, even though you said that you wouldn't disappear.

-HuG-

And with that, everything good shall come to an end.

It's okay, It's okay.
I want it to be okay
~ Barney Stinson,
How I Met Your Mother

Curveball.

Something's coming up! Watch this space! =)

High and Heavily Curtained.

And so, my cousin is back from Yokohama. It has been five years since she's landed on local shores. And this is what she had to say,"You look better than before. You must be leading a very happy life." Just a day earlier, I had met up with my mates from Temasek JC. One of my buds, D, commented,"(You're) leading a good life, eh? .... (You're) cute, that's why (you're) happy!" Prior to that, M had returned from her field of missionary work and remarked, "...I've noticed that there's a difference in you. You seem happier now." To sweeten the deal, I received a text message this morning. It was from S. "You must be doing very well. (You're) happier than before. "
As such, I took it into my head to ramble incognito and revolve a certain matter in my mind. Abjectly in the toils, my mien gave vent to none of these.

Supplementing each with a beam and sparkly eyes that dissociated me from the truth, it was easy - too easy, believe me, to blanch the constituents in this manner.

Two To Go.

Tonight,
I let myself go.

Tomorrow,
I'll let You go.

That Awkward Moment.

"...I know Your love dispels all my fears.
Through the storm I will hold on, Lord.
And by faith I will walk on, Lord.
Then I'll see beyond my Cavalry one day
And I will be complete in You."

With that, the congregation flooded out of the Place.

Not to be deterred by the plangent strains that played on, I held my fort and willed the surging buckets and wells away.

I made my way out of the hall, only to come face to face with the likeness of Your being.

Great.

With a smile, she acknowledged my presence.

Deftly, I returned this gesture.

This is how it has been and will be.

Every single week poses a challenge but I've held on and will continue to stride forward.

This is where I'd grown up, where memories have been forged.

It is a large part of my identity.

And I cannot let it erode because of what has transpired between us.

Dear God, grant me the strength that I need.

Amen.

More Than.

"I love everything about her,
And I’m not a guy who says that lightly. I’m a guy who has faked love his entire life.
I thought love was just something idiots thought they felt,
but this woman has a hold on my heart that I could not break if I wanted to.
And there have been times that I wanted to.
It has been overwhelming and humbling and even painful at times.
But I could not stop loving her anymore than I could stop breathing.
I am hopelessly, irretrievably in love with her.
More than she knows.”

~ Barney Stinson,
How I Met Your Mother
Season 8 Episode 6

"I'm Done."

“I’m done trying to get you.
I can’t do this anymore.
I’m sorry it has taken me this long to figure it out,
But I promise I’m done making a fool out of myself.
It’s okay, it’s okay.
I want it to be okay.”

~ Barney Stinson,
How I Met Your Mother
Season 8 Episode 8

Decade-ance.

Without a couple of mandarin songs every now and then, I suppose my mandarin would have gone to the dogs a long time ago. (I'm not exactly proficient in the language to begin with!)

• 十年 •

如果对于明天没有要求
牵牵手就像旅游
成千上万个门口
总有一个人要先走 ...

...十年之前　我不认识你
你不属于我　我们还是一样
陪在一个陌生人左右
走过渐渐熟悉的街头

These Laborious Breaths.

It started off as a nondescript cough last Sunday.

As if on cue, bronchitis peddled its wares.

With continents spooling (and pooling) in my sink, I could just make out the shades separating land from water.

Then a fever came along and joined the motley crew.

It was not long before I lay defeated in bed, emitting decibels transcending those of normalcy.

Glassy salvation in the form of cough syrups yielded nought. So did cough drops. And wild honey. And acacia honey. And salt water. And antibiotics. And...and...argh!

Taking a stab in the dark, I traipsed to a Chinese medical hall earlier this evening and there, almond fig tea was credited with 'anti-cough properties'.

Whether these claims are valid will be evidenced by my state of health in the coming days.

Be gone, impertinent afflictions!

Choices.

长大了. Mich has grown up.

This time, my head is planted firmly on my shoulders. However upset I am, I will not remain stationary as I have been all these years.

No, I'm not bitter. Bitterness only crowds out the good things that could and should otherwise occupy the mantle of one's life.

No, I've not lost my sense of wonderment. Little nuggets of information continue to fascinate me.

No, I've not lost Hope. Hoping for the best trumps a defeatist attitude. What I want may not land on my lap, but in the midst of working towards it, something good will invariably drop by.

We make choices in our lives.

It may upset me greatly; there will be days when crinkled curves and trickles keep me company, for I am only human, but I choose not to let it break me.

Not this time.

It may have left me bewildered, disappointed and even betrayed to a certain extent, but it will not stop me from living my life.

2007 was a real good lesson and I don't intend to repeat its course in due time.

This is in accordance with my New Year's Resolution - 2013 : Make it count.

See? What did I tell you?

长大了. Mich has grown up.

•••• EDITED ••••

Truth be told, I'd known in September. All I wanted was for You to define my role, address the past and to provide closure.

When I met You, I'd only expected cordial & polite talk. I didn't expect things to go the way they did.

Naively, I thought that as we stood there on the final night, it would provide me with the answer for all these years and that thereafter, I braced myself with the expectation that I'd never hear from You again.

However, I was surprised that You kept your promise, albeit to a certain extent. Yet, when I missed it, I didn't get another chance. What was going through your mind that very night at 2am? Why would you ask if you did not want to answer? Maybe it was avoidance; maybe it was to keep me hanging; maybe you didn't care; maybe you cared enough not to hurt me.

Do You see where I'm going with this? Speculation does nothing to fill in the blanks, which is why I choose not to do so.

As always, you're aware that I've never been the type to sabotage nor badger You. It is not within my personality makeup. Rather, I've always been the one to watch from the sides, knowing when to slink away silently and hoping that You'd paddle back some day, if ever.

This naiveté of mine clamoured for an ounce of Truth. It has since been eroded.

I don't quite know how to handle the mash within nor if this horrid hollow will ever fade. But I do know that I will not allow myself to be chained to this yet again.

Time and tide wait for no man. Cliches and adages do make sense after all.

2013: Make it count.

Quid Quip Pro Quo.

"X makes you upset, but The Man makes you feel better.
Logic seems to indicate that one of them is the problem."

~ B's analysis

A Lil Older & A Lil Wiser.

The old Mich would have turned tail & fled.

She would have buried her head under the covers and wait it out.

But you see, that tried-and-tested formula has not garnered much after all these years, 8 to be exact.

It's time for a new approach.

Upset? You bet.

Terribly Hurt? Definitely.

However, it is no reason to mull, tarry and languish in self-admonishment.

Forward, Mich.

2013 : Make It Count!

= New Year's Resolution =

Happy 2013.

My new year's resolution is void of superfluous notions :

Make It Count.