Sunday, June 30, 2013

9 Years Ago

9 years ago, on this very day,
I inked my name, and gave my life away.

Who knew then, as a year went by
I should meet another and lived a lie.

As night thus fell and darkness cloaked,
Words ran rife and its artifice choked.

To do what's right, to stay in line.
I must move on; The Boy's not mine.

With this in mind, a year soon passed.
And then another, forget I must.

One and one and two and more,
Weathered thus this shroud I bore.

Rationale dictates that to follow,
The tides shall hasten to greet tomorrow.

The answer eludes me, but this I know,
That I was Chosen 9 years ago.

Labels: , , ,

Saturday, June 29, 2013

Hour Minutes.

Running in circles despite every attempt to pull away, I know that it is for a reason.

Erstwhile, Life goes on. Nothing should cripple my progress. I've learnt this lesson well.

The time is not right...yet.

Someday, it will be. =)

Lil Miss Take.

"You may have missed opportunities and blown chances at some time. But the good news is that God always has another season. He will restore the years that have been stolen."
~ J.O Ministries

Dear God,
You know what it is. You know my pain, my void, my regrets. Help me to forget and be grateful for everything that I have. Redirect my anguish to help others so that they will never be without. Take these pieces. Amen.

Labels:

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Lottle.

Labels: , ,

4 Months.

Happy Birthday, You.

In a different spectrum.

In another time.

4 months.

Monday, June 24, 2013

The Blame Game.

"Everything that he has become is YOUR fault. Let him go, Mich."

With that, guilt gnaws away at the past.

When I met You, we were wide-eyed young adults.

I had honestly only thought it'd be wonderful to have another friend, one who was amazing like You.

Comments turned to chats before texts and calls followed. You'd wanted to get off the bus to keep me company when You thought that I was alone. Finally, You cornered me one day. We had dinner and dessert, where you fed me for the first time.

That was a really long time ago. 8 years of my youth, to be exact.

Then things happened, forcing each to maintain a facade of friendship while it was everything but. Everyone could tell that something was brewing despite the well-kept charade.

So, all was dandy and fine till You brought me for a birthday treat in November & subsequently, took me to buy all the things you needed in December 2012 before You left.

That night, as we stood face to face, I'd wanted to bolt and run but decided against it. You laughed and said you wouldn't disappear but I did not hear from you personally despite your gazillion updates on Facebook.

Because of that, I decided to slink away. Perhaps I was no longer wanted.
To ignore is to distance oneself.
To protect myself from further hurts.

Till the day of Your loss. The salient silence was broken, albeit temporarily.

It's a mangled mess.

How did I get from the innocent doe-eyed cheerful lady to one who is chockful of sadness but puts on a smile every minute?

Perhaps B is right.

It is my doing.

Whatever You & I have become as individuals, it is MY fault.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Blue Skies! Blue! Blue!

I went to bed all upset at 10am.

Caffeine intoxication was the primary suspect. Compounding this was the fact that the haze had returned to the PSI levels of 300-400.

Donning a mask in my abode, it had got to be the worst time to be geographically aligned with the Central Business District, Marina Bay Sands, Ritz Carlton & their ilk, for the region bore the brunt of the abominable haze.
"Dear God, we haven't seen clear skies for almost a week. This choking smog has left me pretty sick to date. There are the poor and elderly who are without N95 masks, air conditioners and air filters. They must be suffering terribly. When I wake up, can You gift us with clear skies so that everyone can breathe once again?"
With that, I drifted off to sleep and stirred at 3.30pm.

Drawing the curtains, I squealed as blue skies sprawled lazily from frame to frame.

Thank You, God. ;)

Labels: , , ,

Friday, June 21, 2013

At The Airport.

I'm seated at the airport.

T had forgotten to bring her bank draft so she went home to get it and is on the way back.

Throngs of people weave in and out of the glass orifices.

Momentarily, I am taken to the time when You left, when I did not send you off.

As you piled your bags and wheeled them towards the conveyor belts,

As you nestled within the seat,

As you nodded off mid-flight,

Did You think of me?

As if on cue, a call interrupted my thoughts.

T has returned and is about to check in. She has cozy Business Class seats.

Adieu, my Twin.

And Adieu, You.

Fragmented Figments.

They say that a dream is the pathway to your subconscious.
You appeared at the doorway in a cream suit. I came to you in a cream gown with cream gloves (so retro!). You could not let us come to light so we squirreled indoors and had some food. You apologized for having to be hush-hush. I was Happy as long as you were around. I got into the cab but the driver pulled away without you. I kept yelling at him to turn around but he persisted in moving forward & missed several u-turns. By the time I returned to the spot, You were gone.
Sleep is a scarcity, of choice at times.

For if I were to close my eyes, I'll drift into the world which exists as a figment of my imagination.

Labels: ,

Eudaimonia, or Simply, Happiness.

Accessing the depths of one's mind is a precarious decision.

Now, that is not to say that one should avoid stirring the cognitive pot with gusto.

Rather, I subscribe to the school of thought that the plethora of subjugation to the negatives does little to change reality.

So, off I go to render aid to others.

Because caring for someone in need helps me to forget my pain.

It sure beats whinging and moping, doesn't it?

And that, is my state of Eudaimonia,

Albeit temporarily.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Hypothethically Speaking.

Only one thing will convince me that it is You.

But it would never come to pass.

Hence, it cannot be You.

Some hypothesis, huh?

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Passing On.

It was mentioned in passing.
I looked away.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Tie A Yellow Ribbon.



That yellow ribbon.

6,8,12.

So, M was on the wheel. When this came on, R & M gamely sang along. As for me, I looked away and watched the world go by. 6 months. A rather apt title. 
Do you ever think about me?
Do you ever cry yourself to sleep?
In the middle of the night when you're awake,
Are you calling out for me?
Do you ever reminisce?
I can't believe I'm acting like this
I know it's crazy
How I still can feel your kiss

It's been six months, eight days, twelve hours
Since you went away
.
I miss you so much and I don't know what to say
I should be over you.
I should know better but it's just not the case

It's been six months, eight days, twelve hours
Since you went away.

Do you ever ask about me?
Do your friends still tell you what to do?
Every time the phone rings,
Do you wish it was me calling you?
Do you still feel the same?
Or has time put out the flame?
I miss you
Is everything okay?


It's hard enough just passing the time
When I can't seem to get you off my mind
And where is the good in goodbye?
Tell me why, tell me why?

~ Brian McKnight, 6 Months, 8 Days, 12 Nights (aka 6,8,12)

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Point Blank.

Huddled at the desk, I battled sleep and spent a fervent hour on a document that was due soon.

Well, those sixty minutes have been for nought.

A clean slate greets me.

*thumps keyboard*

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Huh? Who? Me? =)

Life has a funny way of meandering.

There was I, providing information and advice to a former colleague who'd been clearly ripped off in Italy.

Before long, her friend, P contacted me out of the blue and in a matter of hours, I am now a sampler of a musician's works.



She happens to be my favourite female artiste aside from Pink; her array of albums are proudly displayed on my shelves.

I'd attended her concert at the official opening of Gardens by the Bay in 2012.

Time went by and another concert was held last Friday but I had to give it a miss due to work commitments. A month prior to that, R was scheduled to meet her at his church and had asked if I wanted to come along. Naturally, the answer was a resounding Yes, but due to miscommunication (read : wrong dates provided by R. *mock growls*), I missed the opportunity.

So you see, it is a tad bewildering that life continues to pirouette around said musician.

If that isn't enough to warrant some waggling brows, D, my best guy pal, happens to be the theatre manager of the aforementioned location. Hence, I will be able to link P & D up for legitimate purposes, if required.

HUH?!!

Indeed.

I'm baffled, albeit merrily so.

  • Track selection for a compilation.
  • Quality checks.
  • File sampling.

It's an honour.

Life is sure full of surprises!

Let's Do It! =)

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

A Sad Coincidence.

Just as I posted here, so did you in another realm.

I've broken the silence.

I'm sorry for your loss.

The Multifold Projection of You.

好不容易
It wasn't easy
又能再爱多一天,
To find love for yet another day
但故事的最后你
But, in the wake of this fairy tale,
好像还是说了Bye Bye.
Is Your goodbye.

~ Jay Chou, 晴天


With my smattering of Mandarin, Jay's the sole reason as to why I'm still able to cling onto bits of the language.

Yet, I've steered clear of his music, parting the covers of his album only in the days prior to his concert on Saturday. It had been purchased in January.

Why? Well, Jay's a master at evoking repressed emotions. You could have nary an inkling of the language, yet the woeful strains invade your subconscious with a clever infusion of unexpected instruments. This is the reason for his success; his musical talent is amazing and rightfully so, he is widely regarded as the King of Pop in Asia.

On the ivories, he is unbeatable. He writes every song & pens the lyrics with a formidable lyricist, Fang Wenshan, whose poetic scrawls have contributed to Jay's success.

It has been 13 years since Jay first burst onto the music scene. His somewhat arrogant demeanour was repulsive initially but as time went by, I grew to love the musician's work.

Out of these 13 years, 9 has been filled with You. Each song latches onto a memory, be it of happiness or despondence. Each tune is a stark reminder of time gone by.

I steer clear from Jay's music because I'm afraid to be reminded of You - His demeanour, his musical talent and the stashes of gnashes contain shades of You.

That said, when I say that I love Jay, what I really mean is that I love You.

These Waking Hours.



Work has been overwhelming.

The June holidays have arrived but I'm chugging on the moolah train.

I've lost track of time completely;

Forgetting that D is due to return from Norway on 15 June is a cardinal sin, but to forget that My Lil Twin's departure date is 21 June is downright unforgivable.

I'm hard on myself, forging ahead despite the presumed month of rest. I'm so clogged & bogged that the concept of time has been eroded.

I don't know why I am pushing myself to the extremes this time round. I don't know why I am not resting. Perhaps I am escaping from the emotions that arise from memories of You. It is a salubrious crutch.

As sleep finally beckoned at the crack of dawn, I spoke to God,

"Dear God, are You sure that it is ___ ? I do not understand. Perhaps You'd sent him away so that in the midst of being broken, he'd learn a thing or two, be changed and emerge renewed. Perhaps it is to refine and mould him to be a better person so that when he returns, he would be even more awesome than he already was to begin with. But I don't believe it, God. I don't believe a single ounce that it can be _____. Circumstances do not permit this."
My fingers trailed across the pages carelessly and found this -

'"The vision of the evenings and mornings that has been given you is true, but seal up the vision for it concerns the distant future." I, Daniel, was worn out. I lay exhausted for several days. Then I got up and went about the king's business. I was appalled by the vision; it was beyond understanding.'
~ Daniel 8:26-27

I fled.

Strident strokes define the horizon yet again.

I have two long documents to prepare for work. It will probably keep me up all night as I scuttle to fulfil this commitment.

A tear falls as I bury the hurts.

I have a tonne of paperwork to forage. I have no time to dwell in this perpetual sadness.

I wish it were You, and yet, it cannot be You. It must not.

Friday, June 07, 2013

Denial.

Really, how can it be?

Take the leap, a quantum one at that?

What if a cliff awaits on the other side?

Catch me if I should fall, I'm as good as dead anyway,

At least on the inside.

The incubator which keeps me alive is the passion of Doing Good.

To make others Happy instead of focusing on the intrinsic.

For the poor & elderly, I forge ahead.

It keeps my mind off external factors.

God keeps showing me that it is You,

And repeatedly, I turn away because I find it impossible, given the circumstances from which we'd have to pluck ourselves.

It cannot be right.

It cannot be You.

It must not be You.

Wednesday, June 05, 2013

A Dance of Chance.

Reid does not sleep because when he does, he sees Maeve in his dreams. He has been in a downward spiral since her death.

At the end of the episode, Reid finally falls asleep after solving a case. He dreams of her yet again.

They are in a library. She teases him. Tender glances are exchanged before Maeve rises and stretches her hand towards him.

Maeve: Dance with me.
Reid: Why?
Maeve: I want to hold you once before I'm a ghost of a memory.


~ Criminal Minds
Season 8, Episode 20
Alchemy

Tuesday, June 04, 2013

Handsome Pup.

Knock, Knock.

Are You there?

Knock, Knock.

Why, This Gnawing Guilt.

At the stroke of midnight, suffice to say, there was a lack of grandeur and pomp as Cinderella existed only in fairy tales.

M, Y & I were seated at a nondescript fast food outlet. Famished, we wolved down our edibles rapidly; we had just attended a 3-hour wake of our former colleague's mother.

While my tongue reeled in felicity at the burst of manufactured flavours, the jaw gave way to an unhinged gasp.

It was YL.

A shadow of her former self, she appeared weathered and frail. M & Y failed to recognise her but I singled her out immediately.

After all, we had been the best of friends at work. She had been my superior and I was accountable to her professionally. When the bell rang, we were peers who went out daily and giggled like two peas in a pod.

I had just started my journey in this field while she was a veteran. Snooty and dressed to the nines, she was highly selective about her friends and did not engage in small talk. For some reason, we drew close and went everywhere together. I thought that I was real Blessed to have a best friend who was capable, successful, pretty and fun to hang out with.

Then MF arrived and wheedled YL away with playground politics; she wasted no time in spreading lies about me and engaged in numerous childish antics. YL fell for it and stopped talking to me.

Unwilling to sink to her level, I walked away from these silly mind games that MF was prone to conjure and naturally, YL soon faded from the timeline of my life.

I am not one to bear grudges nor harbour bitterness. I would rather have a Friend than be stoked at the Enemy notch.

'Perhaps she does not want me to see her in this state; perhaps she would ignore me if I were to greet her. Perhaps...' Excuses and their ilk piled as fear circumvented a simple Hello. The fear of rejection stemming from senseless pride had me looking the other way tonight.

I'd wanted to reach out to YL but I turned away instead and let the hurts of yesterday trail in her wake.

I wish you well, my Friend.

I hope Life will be kind to you.

#bffs #yesteryear #mac

Sunday, June 02, 2013

Word.

Maybe like me, you're afraid of what lies ahead.

I'm steering clear to protect myself, lest I tumble & hurtle myself into an abyss from which I'd have to claw out, if ever.

But I belong to the scab squad, of which takes pleasure in picking at the scabs, only to ascertain & affirm certain notions.

Academically, I'd pound at an unfamiliar topic until I aced it. At work, I'd huddled at my desk and continually refine that which I was occupied with until perfection was achieved.

It is determination and diligence to some, sheer folly to others.

Naturally, this spills over to Life.

What am I to You is what You are to me.

Words are incredibly important to me. You could engage in a million antics and yet, if nary a word should depart from your lips, I'd deem it as my sheer imagination.

A word seals the deal.

In congruence, a step at a time,

Let's stop hurting each other.

Saturday, June 01, 2013

June : A Month of Purpose, Focus & Fun!

Focus!

B : Not like you don't know...
M: Not like I don't know....


Congruence in speech. Wow!

Yes, I've snapped out of Stupidity.
For now.

Talking to Bubu for hours always helps.

I'm Blessed to have such a friend who talks to me 24/7, aside from my lil Twin, even though he is up to his neck with his work, art and ______, while contemplating a permanent residence in Burbank.

Come July, my lil Twin will be packing her bags for a 4-year stint Japan. It breaks my heart but it is for her own good corporately, financially, psychologically and emotionally.

Erstwhile, D will be back from Norway & F will be back from the US.

Childhood bestie, A, will see me in June after her exit exams for Consultant in London draw to a close. My other childhood bestie, T, the Indonesian taitai may just pop by in Singapore too.

It's going to be a busy month!

Also, something that is of worth to mention is that of my Purpose in Life coming into fruition.

Hello, June!

I'm so Happy that you've arrived! =)