These Yellowed Pages.

She's still wearing that grin from His words yesterday. (Hooray!) =)

To You :
If this is it, do not return and wreak havoc in Mich's life again.
If this is to be, then let Mich live in peace.
If You did care for Mich, if ever You did so, then close this chapter in Mich's life.

Tell Her that It once was.
She needs to be told.
She has much to say to You but these words would probably lay in quandry within.
She does not want to live the rest of her life with the singular notion - If.
Thereafter, let her drift away once she has found that inner peace.

Let Her go.
Just as she had loosened her grip on You all those years ago.

"You are my special one." - Its recollection brings a sad smile to her mien.

He • She • You

He said,

• "I would have given up on me."
• "I would have walked away from myself."
• "I don't understand how you could have tolerated every deliberate act of hurt. Any other girl would have walked away a long time ago."
• "You're too good for your own good; too good that other girls would say that you are stupid."

She said,

• "I'm not any other girl."
• "It's fine if others hurt me, as long as I do not hurt anyone."
• "My tolerance for stuff is very high; God gives me the strength to live through it all."
• "I'd rather be stupid than to do the wrong thing."

He said,

• "I appreciate you."

She smiled and felt that warm fuzzy feeling that she hadn't experienced since You slapped her with THAT in 2007 and robbed her of her confidence and self-worth. The continuum of appearances and disappearances since then have left her confused, bewildered, fearful and emotional; it eroded her identity and replaced it with one whose thoughts oscillated around You. In other words, she was stuck in an abyss for a long, long time.

What a girl wants is simply to be Happy.

The one who makes her Happy wins.

Blessed To Be A Blessing.

Dear God,


Elder D.Foo

I thank You for this man.
Blessed and anointed is he to speak forth what is of Truth and Wisdom.

I thank You for his sacrifice.
He has chosen to walk away from monetary benefits in his previous job in favour of full-time ministry in church.

I thank You for the inculcating of values through him.
He has striven hard to sow the seeds of Goodness.

I thank You for the strong leadership that he wields.
Through his influence, he indoctrinates Righteousness and Integrity.

I thank You for he is fair and just.
He does what is necessary and does not mince his words.

I thank You for his intellect.
Through his articulation, he moulds hearts and mindsets according to Biblical Principles.

I thank You for putting this man in my circle.
With his gripping sermons, many a time has he jolted me from my lull.

I thank You for his steadfast roots.
Through him, the branches of Faith have grown and good fruits have blossomed.

I thank You, God.
For this is the only man whom I would obey in accordance to Your Word.

I thank You for his powerful prayers.
For through him have I received blessing, deliverance and healing in Your Name.

I thank You for his humility.
He constantly urges us to cloak ourselves with Humility, just as Christ did.

I thank You for his philanthropy and philosophy,
That we need to be a Blessing to Others.

I thank You, God.
For You speak to me through him.

And I pray, Father,
That a man such as this will not be one, but many similar men called to the Faith shall be as bright a spark as he.

For he has touched many lives.
And for the last 16 years,
He has impacted mine.

May You bless this gifted man, his wife and his children so that spiritual abundance will be sown and reaped multifold through the planting of these individuals.

In Jesus' most precious Name I pray,
Amen.

Is It Time?

"It's not that I won't miss, but I'd have to leave one day."
Has the bell chimed?

Nothing.

i really
really
want
to
just
end
it
all

Tonight.

Fragments.

Dear God,
It's me, Mich.
Why, God?

Have I not tried my best to be Good, Upright and Honest?
Have I not lived my life according to Your Word?
Have I not given up the Wrong because it wasn't Right?
Have I not been fastidious in doing the Right Thing?

Why punish me so, God?
Why let the wicked get away while your child suffers?

God, You hear my cries.
Every single night, God.
You know the pain that I carry deep within.
You see how sobbing quivers my frail frame.

Lord, I cry out to You.
Do You hear me?
Why do You punish me for doing the Right Thing?

God, my yoke is heavy.
My burden weighs upon me.
It erodes my sense of worth, my identity and all that stands for Me.

Take him away, God.
I can no longer drag myself any further.

My soul is parched and the wounds are cut deep.
I give up. I don't want to live this Lie any longer.

Dear God, I know you've not abandoned me.
But why, God?

Where is Hope? I do not see it.
Where is Life? I cannot taste it.
Where is ....? Forget it.

Time.

How much longer can I be strong?

All that separates is a ledge.

So Others Will Not See.

Come, Nightfall.
Cloak your darkness around me.
So others will not see
The tears that I weep.

Come, Rainfall.
Wash away my misery.
So others will not see
The pain that's buried deep.

"blur like Sotong"

Sotong doesn't understand.

What's this?

Why?

Huh?

Do enlighten her. It's only fair.

She Stayed for You.

The Vacuous Faculty of Mind.

Leafed through the yellowed pages -

Of this blog, Of logs, Of texts.

Bittersweet memories of Once Upon A Time.

Hush, little baby, don't say a word.

Time...

With Friends,
Over simple fare,
Over milkshakes.

-smiles-

[Aside : Here's hoping that G will recover soon.]

A Tip From A Brit.

Your hands are full with your baggage.

It's weighing you down.

Place it on the ground.

There you go.

The weight is no longer on your shoulders.

"To teach is to learn twice." - Joseph Joubert,Pensées,1842

I do what I do with immense pride, to a fault.

For the past month, intrepid as it may come across, I'd been shrouded in work, work, and well, work.

So fastidious was I in gearing up pupils for the impending national examination that I'd completely thrown my social calendar (if any) out of the window.

Raking compounded on a daily basis, giving no consideration to the fundamentals in life - Eat, Sleep and Play.

I was working round the clock on one meal a day, dishing out red nibs when darkness cloaked. These would dance across examination scripts and practice papers into the wee hours of the morning.

Naturally, it took a toll on my health - not once, not twice, but thrice; a severe eye infection, lip infection and fever thrived under my faltering immune system.

The breakneck ploughing cumulated moolah, at the rate of 2k+ in a week. This went on for four consecutive weeks. Nary a dime was spent. There was simply no time to.

Was it worth it? No.

There are some things that money just can't buy - Time, Happiness and Health.

Yes, I've learnt My Lesson.

I've taught myself well.

And I Should Reckon So.

I resolve to :

• Be more forthcoming instead of being cryptic.
• Set sail in a new direction.
• Work less, Smile more.
• Effect change from within.

Why?

• The accustomed ways of Mich aren't taking too well nor thriving splendidly in the given circumstances.
• Tired of being Tired; Sick of being Sick (not to be taken in the literal sense)
• I cannot change my circumstances, but I can make incisive decisions on the steps I undertake in future.

The Truth :

• I would love to have You, but I know that this will not transpire in reality.
• I would love to sit and just listen as You speak, watch You laugh and smile in silent contentment.
• I imagine scenes of the past replaying ad nauseam, but these are only flighty notions.
• I dream of being honest in your presence instead of presenting different personas & facades while not knowing exactly the stance to adopt lest it should trigger staggering repercussions

In short, I do not want to Pretend any longer.

An open yellowed book is far more inviting than that of a shrink-wrapped spine.

Mich is Mich.

And this, is My Life.

1468.

This makes it the 1468th post in my blog (with the intentional misnomer in its url to minimize random trolling).

Entrenched within are pasted memories and words exchanged.

As my gaze falls upon the in-between,

It dawns upon me that You have changed.

And so have I.

记事本

偶尔翻开记事本，感觉就毫如时间斩停在那几段日子，那几行留言。掀翻起新的一篇，空荡荡的白纸响亮着淡虚沉闷的滋味。心中的歌仍盘旋着，而记事本虽旧，但手还紧握着。

灯光也暗了
音乐低声了
口中的棉花糖也融化了
窗外阴天了
人是无聊了
我的心开始想你了
电话响起了
你要说话了
还以为你心里对我又想念了
怎么你声音变得冷淡了
是你变了
是你变了

灯光熄灭了
音乐静止了
滴下的眼泪已停不住了
天下起雨了
人是不快乐
我的心真的受伤了

She-esH.

She tries.
She chokes.
She lies.
She jokes.

She grins.
She sighs.
She spins.
She flies.

She's Free
To Be
She's Me,
You See.

Haven't. Haven. Heaven.

Have you cried so hard that you can't breathe?

Have you shed so many tears that you've lost sight of where you're headed?

Have you lost count of the number of times you've wept?

Do you find that you no longer have the strength to carry on?

Have you crumpled in a heap and soaked yourself in tears?

Have you been accustomed to Pain that only numbness afflicts you?

Have you imagined what Heaven must be like?

Tonight, I Have.