Knotty.

It matters
Not because it matters.

It matters not
Because it matters.

A No-Know.

This entry will not be in tandem with stylistic structures that are typical of my lingual inclinations, for what tumbles from my fingertips is as mangled as that which flummoxes within.

What I never understood was why You'd taken the effort to make me Happy before You left for California, after which you asked repeatedly if I'd wanted You to call and yet, nary a ring was heard when I replied in accordance.

You promised not to disappear and naively, I believed every word.

This is why I've been awfully silent ever since.

It's akin to reading a novel with the final page ripped from its spine.

Yet, a sequel is not in the works.

The singular question that has plagued my mind,

And only repression assuages its turmoil,

Is this -

Why?

I guess I'll never know.

It's A Goner.

As he broke down and wept upon the ivories, so did I.
Inadvertently, You came to mind.
Such is his musical genius.

当世界只剩下这床头灯
This sole light illuminates when darkness cloaks
你那边是早晨已经出门
Where my night is your day as you go about your way
我侧身感到你在转身
无数陌生人正在等下一个绿灯
一再错身彼此脆弱的时分
不过渴望一个吻的余温
我关了灯 黑暗把我并吞

*你不在
You're gone
当我最需要爱 你却不在
When I needed love, you were not by my side.
无尽等待像独白的难捱
你不在
You're gone.
高兴还是悲哀 你都不在
Be it joy or woe, you were not around.
我受了伤害再偷偷好起来 你不在
As I picked up the pieces in secret solitude, you were sorely absent.

时间再按下许多次快门
沉默里听见转动的秒针
一个人吃饭这个凌晨
孤单一人份 你低声说你有别人
我的话筒只有自己的体温
怎样认真也不一定成真
你说得对 我不得不承认
(repeat *)

那些摇摆 我都明白 都明白
但你不在 爱已不在 不在

你不在
You're gone
当我最需要爱 你却不在
When I needed love, you were not by my side.
一个人分饰两角的恋爱
This dual role is mine to play.
你不在
You're gone
高兴还是悲哀 你都不在
Be it joy or woe, you were not around.
像空气般不存在的存在
Lurking in my subconscious like a single breath,
再没有痕迹的爱 你不在
This love vanished without a trace when you took flight.
当我需要你的爱 你不在
When I needed you most, you left.

Austere.

Of change that jingles
Under lock and key,
The faculty of mind
Yearns to be free.
~ Mich

Faraway people can't hurt you, Mich.
Steer clear and you'll be all right.

When Darkness Cloaks.

The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere

'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'd send a postcard to you, dear
'Cause I wish you were here

I'll watch the night turn light-blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly

The silence isn't so bad
Till I look at my hands and feel sad
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly.

I'll find repose in new ways
Though I haven't slept in two days
'Cause cold nostalgia
Chills me to the bone

But drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because
When I think of you I don't feel so alone.

As many times as I blink
I'll think of you tonight
I'll think of you tonight

When violet eyes get brighter
And heavy wings grow lighter
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again

And I'll forget the world that I knew
But I swear I won't forget you
If my voice could reach
Back through the past
I'd whisper in your ear
Oh darling, I wish you were here.

~ Owl City, Vanilla Twilight

Of Congruence & Coincidence.

Adam: You still love him, don't you?

Kurt: (lying) No... No.

Adam: Because I can't compete with a fantasy, Kurt.

Kurt: (trying to convince himself) I desperately want to be over him. Really, I do.
Yet, reality dictates otherwise. His expression says it all.



How timely.

Mich, don't cry. =(

The Familiar Stranger.

What drives grief for a stranger whom you've never met,

Yet are vaguely acquainted with should the telly be a platform of sorts?

I'm talking about the passing of a respected local veteran actor, as illustrated below.

Singaporeans who are born and bred on local soil would recognise the ubiquitous face of the maiden television serial of our nation. Its title needs no introduction nor mention.

At the mention of his moniker, one is almost obliged to produce this from our cognitive archives :











Acknowledged as The First Golden Couple on local screens, these two are still addressed affectionately as their characters from, get this, 30 years ago.

While he enjoyed longevity in his career, he was, however, was not as fortunate when it came to his health, as he was afflicted with lymphoma cancer which led to his sudden passing on Saturday morning.

I will not lie and gush that he was my favourite. I rarely watch local telly these days, if ever.

Yet, there was a strange tinge of loss.

I did not know him. Mutual acquaintances were lacking.

Hence, what gives?

We are, but creatures of comfort. The telly was a source of stability, albeit a dubious one.

As households are wont to do, the voices and miens of different eras blended various shades of escapism. That is, after all, the role of the television - to fractionally distil reality from our lives within that requiem of time, its hues to whitewash the other waking hours.

As time went by, this face remained a stoic staple, as if taunting change with flagrant disregard.

It is with a subconscious stream of thought such as this that one champions The Veteran for defying the odds.

A hyperbole? Perhaps.

Be it so, the courage exemplified at his final public appearance in 2012 is to be accredited with the very applause that permeated his career.

Evidently weathered and afflicted, he found the courage to plaster a smile.

Acting had transcended beyond a mere career. It had become his reality.

So, take a bow, Da-Ge.

It was beautifully crafted till your life drew to a close.

A Night Such As This.

I miss You.

I shouldn't, but I do.

Sometimes, I wonder if you think about me too.

And then I laugh & chide myself for being silly,

Before going about my way.

No.

The Boston Travesty.

What has just unfolded in Boston is a travesty on mankind.

As security is heightened in various states, it is heartwarming to witness helpers scurrying selflessly to render assistance to the injured. I can only read and watch about it on this side of the globe while cheering these heroes on.

Then, a faint image comes to mind.

Though my heart is weary, I wish You well.

So, stay safe, You.

Coincidence.

It's better that I steer clear of You to protect myself.

How many times can one be subjected to the crushing of the soul and lie defeated with fragments of what used to be a heart?

That soft spot which nestles deep within the recesses of my heart and mind should be calcified.

The words that You'd prophetically uttered now recant themselves to You :

"It's not that I won't miss, but I'd have to leave one day."

Brake Fast.

I must not break.

Mich, hold the fort.

Guard it well.

You must.

You have to.

Stoicism has always been a forte, even if it's a facade.

This creek must not meander towards either side.

Mich, you can bend, but you must never break.

=(

There Now!

On a positive note,

Something's coming up in the week ahead.

Hurray! =)

Arrant Pedantry.

As friends are wont to do, B sifted through his broken pieces and scrawled,

"She (B's ex) was a piece of the puzzle that wouldn't fit. I tried and tried to make it until I realised I was just damaging the other pieces. I miss her for the good memories but there are tonnes of bad ones I've hidden away."

Then, he made the most innocuous reference to You that left me gutted.

"She's not ______ (insert your moniker). He is the possibility of 'what if', 'what could have been' to you. She is the reality of failure to me."

That knocked the wind out of my sails before I got my act together and pottered about with Reality.

=========================================
Pretty Lil Kitten is a lugubrious figure of the past.

Handsome Lil Pup had left her a ball of string, with which she entwined herself impetuously until oblique knots suggested themselves to her mind.

The carnage dwelt in its finality, as though it were her judge.
=========================================

Back to the subject in question,

B, my dear friend, you'll live.

And so will I.

World Autism Awareness Day.

"This international attention is essential to address stigma, lack of awareness and inadequate support structures. Now is the time to work for a more inclusive society, highlight the talents of affected people and ensure opportunities for them to realize their potential. "

Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon
Message for the World Autism Awareness Day 2013

Mr D.

All I'd wanted was for You to man up.

For You to tell me The Answer.

Good friends don't disrupt someone while they are at work to hand a gift to them;

Friends don't feed you.

Friends don't buy lil gifts from various lands almost religiously when they go on missions.

Friend don't call you in the middle of the night, sometimes in a drunken stupor but otherwise primarily sober, while you're on holiday.

Friends don't tell you to put on a windbreaker because they don't want other guys to look at you in your tube.

Friends don't take someone they've not seen for a long time to expensive treats repeatedly over the years.

Friends don't tell You that they're holding onto Your lil gifts from the past and will bring them along to another faraway land.

More importantly, friends don't hide their phones under the table and text their partners discreetly, nor do they refer to their significant other as "a friend".

I'd expected You to break the news to me in my face but all You'd say was "my friend". That was in December 2012.

Had You done something in 2005, I would have chosen You.

When I handed You the pink card back then, I was waiting for You to say something, anything. I hoped that You'd stop me but instead, You sang to the card.

Some years went by and I had the opportunity to move to Beijing as he was asked to helm the HQ over there. This was quickly bolstered by a job offer for me in Hong Kong. I gave these up because I deferred to You and You told me to Stay.

It took me 8 years to apologise to You, to summon my courage and broach on the subject before You left for California in December 2012.

Festooned with some misguided sense of honesty, I did so only because of the expensive Birthday Treat and the subsequent day out when You brought me to get all the essentials which you'd required for your 15-month stint.

You promised that You wouldn't disappear, but indeed You have.

I'm not angry.

I'm just sad that You must think little of me, that I do not deserve an answer for closure.

I remember us second-guessing each other time and time again, only to realise that what we'd wanted was the same, if only we'd just verbalised our thoughts. That was in the past.

But I wouldn't know now, because You wouldn't say.

It reads like badly scripted teen fiction but quite unfortunately, it is a tale of people in their 30s.

We lead separate lives and maintaining the status quo is the easy way out. I thought that You'd come clean if I did. Quite unfortunately, it didn't turn out the way that I'd expected.

I wasn't asking to be chosen.

Something along the lines of "Yes, I did but it's in the past" or "I still want you around" would suffice.

So the best that I can do is to steer clear of You.

After 8 years.

I Had A Vision.

No, this is not a corny entry that reeks of nationalism or corporate propaganda.

If anything, it is a rather sombre piece.

As you'd know, my dearly beloved uncle passed away suddenly in 2011. He was the father figure in my life and a rather prominent man in some circles as he was part of the prestigious Raffles Institution alumni. This paved the way for politics and networks. My family enjoyed the benefits that came with certain connections in the political/medical world. Yet, he was a humble man in his own right and walked the talk of philanthropy as he gave away a large portion of his money to the needy during his lifetime. I'm uber proud to have been the apple of his eye.

Moments ago, a vision was revealed to me as I went about with the inane task of washing my face.

I saw my uncle seated next to an angel on an unfinished brick wall.

I'm a tad unnerved as such a phenomenon has not been prevalent in this life of mine.

Perhaps it is God's reassurance that the family is in good hands though the pillar that everyone had come to rely on for decades is no more.

Perhaps it is to bestow upon me the surmounting task of being the Provider, to fill my uncle's shoes. Currently, all legal / financial paperwork and its ilk are my responsibility.

Behind Mich's giggles and flighty ways lie serious thoughts and sacrifices that are scarcely familiar even to those within her tight circle.

You never knew that Mich had a serious side, did You? *winks*

Whatever the Future holds, it is God's Will.

And Koo, I know that You're looking down from Heaven and I hope I've managed to (or will) step into those really large shoes!

Blessings,
Mich =)