thoughts

I thought you did.
Honestly, I thought so.
I was wrong.
Apparently.
So wrong, indeed.

-empties the clutter in my head-

Being...

Away from home.
For a while.

我怀念的 What I Miss.

By Swishy-fresh

孙燕姿 - 我怀念的

想问为什么
A question lingers at the tip of my tongue
我不再是你的快乐
Why is your happiness no longer derived from me?
可是为什么
Yet, why do I
却苦笑说我都懂了
Smile in resignation and say that I understand?
自尊常常将人拖着
Pride often stumbles one,
把爱都走曲折
Leaving a forked road of emotions
假装了解是怕
Pretending to understand because one fears
真相太赤裸裸
The stark reality presented -
狼狈比失去难受
An awkward loss.

...

我怀念的是无言感动
I miss the silent poignance
我怀念的是绝对炽热
I miss the certain closeness
我怀念的是你很激动
I miss your impulsiveness
求我原谅抱得我都痛
Asking for another chance with hugs that hurt now.

...

我放手
Letting go
我让座
Giving up
假洒脱
Feigning nonchalance
谁懂我多么不舍得
Who knows of my struggle within?

太爱了
A deep love.
所以我
Therefore, I
没有哭
Shed no tears
没有说
And remain in stoic silence.

Shades.

Kitty doesn't see its shadow.

Mama, budak ini amat merindui anda.

Grandmother used to dote on me most.

"Anak Anak!" she would call out fondly.

With my (very) erroneous Malay,I would engage in my daily incantations with Mama and listen to her tales of yesteryear. Mama would shield me from my immensely strict Mother who had a knack of wielding the cane with finesse precision. (She's another legend altogether).

Mama taught me traditional Peranakan games (which I've long forgotten unfortunately). Grandfather owned Fowlie Road with 12 houses and Mama spent most of her life lapping in luxury. Strolling down Katong was akin to a stab at stardom, as many acknowledged Mama, Ee or Mummy. Like the typical matriach of the Peranakan household, Mama's word was final and carried much weight.

In her sarong kebaya, Mama would frown with displeasure or beam in delight, evidently exhibiting her array of emotions. Birthday celebrations were lavish and I recall Mama's 71st & 81st birthdays at hotel ballrooms. Mama would invariably powder her nose in excitement and be decked in her berlian & intan alike in pompous preparation. Vain as she was, she would brush her hair with the golden hairbrush and angle her mirror in all seriousness. Embroidered kebayas decked her wardrobe as she selected her outfit proudly.

Every New Year was festered with a smorgasborg of edibles, courtesy of Mama's precise perfection, The entire extended family streamed in from dawn to dusk. First & Second cousins had to turn up within the first two days of the Lunar New Year to show respect. Aunt Grace would fly in from Spain/Britain/wherever she was to visit the Grand Old Dame. Fooling with the dough for the mandatory pineapple tarts, nuts, kueh bankit and other Peranakan fancies, Mama would laugh at the weird shapes I'd concocted out of the mix while Mummy would try desperately to shoo me out of the kitchen, albeit unsuccessfully.

Then.
One day, Mama went to bed at the age of 91.
And never woke up.

It's been 6 years since I've last heard "Anak Anak! Latang sini!"

Mama, kalau engkau boleh dengar,
bukan saya mahu merbahaya.
Takut dan sebat.
Mama selalu cakap manis mungukur sikit.
sekarang, ini tunggu yang silap terlalu.
saya mahu gembira.
esok - dia selalu dekat.

Mama, budak ini amat merindui anda
(Mama, this child misses you so much.)

Especially now.

Meow.

Hello, pretty little kitten.
Are you sad, like me?

Thanks.

4.44am.

The earlier conversation with Kris in Melbourne lasted 44 minutes and 44 seconds.

Oh well. A pointless observation.

Thanks for calling from Melbourne, Kris.
Thanks for the concern from Sydney, Leion.
(I wish the two of you were back in Singapore!)
Thanks for being there for me all these years, Leon.
Thanks for listening to my incessant daily rants, Alex.
Thanks for cheering me up, Ting.
Thanks for keeping me company at the playground, James.
Thanks for having the strange intuition that you've had since the days in TJC which prompted you to ask me out for dinner, Del.

It's nice to know that there are shoulders to lean on within a span of 24 hours.

I'll never trust myself again.

The Lady In The Mirror.

Hello, Mich.

I told you so, didn't I?
Did you listen? No.

Instead, you clawed your way back and hung onto every shred.
In hope, albeit false ones.

You thought you got it right this time. In all honest fervour, you smiled to yourself and thought what a clever little girl you were. Your moment had arrived, you assumed and immensely pleased, you allowed yourself to sink deeper than before. After all, you'd waited half your life for a moment like this. You felt that it was time to right the wrong, despite the irony clanging to be heard.

You deserved it. You'd expected it.
Now then, why does this pierce you deep?

You want answers, but words fail you. You're afraid of the equilibrium being tossed beyond recognition. And so, you suffer in silence, within the perimeter of literate license, if it may be deemed so.

It isn't known, Mich. It isn't.
And even if It does come to light, It wouldn't be cared for.
Would It?

Let It go, Mich. Let it go.
Don't you see it? Don't you get it?

What you've waited for half your life is not mapping out in the exact manner which you'd initially purported it to be. You've waited in vain.

What are you waiting for, Mich?
What would you say?

I don't think you've learnt your lesson, Mich. Not a single bit. You still harbour hopes somewhere that miracles would transfix their gaze upon you and somewhere, somehow, you'd emerge unscathed.

Yes, you want to know if you got the equation right at some point of time.
Yes, it hurts.

Don't cry, Mich. Don't cry.

I don't know what to say because, well, I am you, aren't I?

The lady in the mirror

Big Girls Don't Cry.

It's time to pack those bags, Mich.
Do what you do best.
Withdraw. Again.
Take the dice with you. You'll need it.
It's alea jacta est after all.
While you're at it, pat the pretty tuft of fur as you make your way out.

And remember, Big Girls Don't Cry.

Fergie - Big Girls Don't Cry

The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You're probably on your flight back to your hometown
I need some shelter of my own protection, baby
To be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity

[CHORUS:]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps till I'm full grown, full grown
Fairy tales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

[CHORUS]

Like the little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and uno cards
I'll be your best friend and you'll be my Valentine
Yes, you can hold my hand if you want to
Coz I want to hold yours too
We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But it's time for me to go home
It's getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity

[CHORUS]

Tendrils, By And Far.

6.34 am.

Martinis and housepours did little to eradicate thoughts.

Fleeting.

Trying to forget.

Nobody, but me.

Wishes, hopes. Mistakes.

In? Out?

The Key.

I don't make much sense to you, do I?

- cue convulsive laughter -

Initial D.

• Dinner : Subway (moi 1st time! Very messy...very unglam....but...very yummy!)
• Dessert: NYDC (cookie monster mudpie...again!)
• Movie : Surf's Up! (Uber cute movie! Mr D charmed the socks off the nice lady who exchanged the tickets...Goodbye Fantastic Four!)
• Company: Daniel + loads of hahahhahahas

Thanks for the happy night, Daniel! =)

Father's Day.

Nov 1982 : My 2nd Birthday

I hope I'll never see you again.

Not Falling Apart

I don't mind
Falling in the water
No one ever notices me
I lay under the waves

I'm not falling apart

[ Maroon 5 - Not Falling Apart ]

Whatever.

There are so many things that I want to write in here, but I cannot. Simply because random prying eyes may lurk.

I wrote a long entry and deleted every shred of it.

Why, God? Why?

Why is it me? Again?

Has it not been enough?

I don't want to be strong anymore.

If it kills me, so be it.

Countdown.

2 more days to the end of my 13-hour-working-outdoors-4-hour-marking-indoors week.

I.....
Am.....
So.........
Tired..........

- zzz -

Spare some TLC?

I'd Rather

I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else.
I'd rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself.
I'd rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart.
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart.

[ Luther Vandross - I'd Rather ]

Politics & You.

Cartoon by Mike Shelton

Mention the very word "politics", and often (especially in apathetic Singapore), it is sufficient to send others scuttling or be harried into hushed silence.

Politics is incredibly important, not as an ostensible trophy of mention, but as a knowledge platform of when and why (and quite possibly, how) you are stabbed in the back. (note: if is not in the picture).

What has the domestic squabbles of a country across the Atlantic got to do with me, a speck on a red dot? Well, have you not heard of the butterfly effect, my dear Watson? Domestic issues, if not contained, may well spread to its immediate region, and later, to the rest of the world. Flagrant disregard is not the wisest stance to adopt. Suffice to say, globalization has enabled new players into the international foray while threatening to displace traditional heavyweights.

Currently, the proposed Amnesty Bill hogs headlines across the United States. Under this plan, millions of illegal aliens are placed on a path to citizenship thats let them remain in the US without being prosecuted during the application process and would not punish their unlawful entry as a felony, contrary to a House-passed bill.

“An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.”
--Sir Winston Churchill

And that is just what the proposed Bill seems to perpetuate. To be precise, section 601(h) gives each and every illegal alien (with fraudulent documentation, that means all of them) immediate and free "probationary status" entitling them to live and work in the US. At some point, "probationary status" expires and the now-legal alien has to convert to "Z-nonimmigrant" status and pay a fine of $1000 (only $500 for illegal family members, see 601(e)(6)(B).

The bill contains both border security and Employment Eligibility Verification Systems (EEVS) triggers. With recent, "strengthening" amendments, the bill now calls for 20,000 additional border patrol agents, expanded detention facilities to accommodate 31,500 detainees, at least 300 miles of vehicle barriers and 370 miles of single-layer fencing, 105 ground-based radar and camera towers, and four unmanned aerial vehicles deployed along the southern border. The EEVS will theoretically prevent illegal aliens from getting jobs in the US in the future.

Sounds good till you note that in 2006, the White House passed the Secure Fence Act that required the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) to hire 18,000 border patrol agents by the end of 2008, To date, there is a shortfall with only 15, 000 agents. In addition, 700 miles of double-layer fence were required along the 1,951-mile southern border. To date, the Bush administration with a billion-dollar fund in hand has done little with only 2 miles of single-layer fence being completed so far.

Is that a regression, or did I get that wrong? Uncle Sam must be suffering from dementia since protection against Iraq is up on the priority scale and oh, let's forget about the immediate backyard, Mexico, shall we?

Scratch your head further when you discover that illegal aliens are allowed to try to get past the border any number of times. Once they do, they are home free because the border patrol is forbidden to detain illegals away from the border. The border patrol is not allowed to chase them either and the rest of the US acts as a 3 million square mile sanctuary.

Did that make sense to you? I guess not.

The Adminstiration consistently propagates the notion of a comprehensive Bill, but put Instant Amnesty, a mere 19%-fenced border together with illogical border patrol regulations and the sum doesn't quite tally, does it?

And to perplex anyone with a sound mind, the Bill also blankets amnesty to every corporate exploiter of illegal aliens since it legalizes the illegals and ensures Corporate America an endless supply of cheap immigrant labour. (Hooray, Nike?)

So, how does that affect you, the Singaporean sitting in an air-conditioned room with your iPod docked as you read the scrambled letters across your iBook?

Short of being a bipartisan issue, with the Senate Democrats strangely backing the Republican bill, it calls for a litmus test within the Administration. This very legislation is part of a larger agenda of a large slice of America's economic and political elite. It is about the merger of nations into larger transnational entitles and, ultimately, global governance - the architecture of a new world order.

Corporate America wants a limitless supply of low-wage immigrant labor and an end to penalties for hiring illegals, with benefits nonexistent and regulations lax. Businesses want to be able to move products back to the United States free of charge. They want to be rid of their American workers, but keep their American consumers. They want to be able to go out to Asia, hire bright kids and bring them to the United States to replace middle-age U.S. workers who cost too much. They want to be able to outsource their white-collar jobs to India at a fraction of the wages they pay Americans.

Does this sound familiar to you? Do you not see that the future of Singapore does not lie in your hands, you young Netizen? We are the New Age displaced Red Indians in time to come. Just like the Native Americans, we will struggle to find our footing in this land we call our Home. [ Refer to a past blog entry on Migration Policy. ]

It is about globalism, about greed.

Each individual is just a cogwheel in motion.

However, I've a strong hunch that this notion would be thrown out with the bathwater once you click your way out of here.

[ NB: My next rant in the near future would harp on Google, if time permits. ]

Sydney - Updated.

Dear Leion, a dear friend,

Tried calling. No ringtone.
Tried emailing. No reply.
Tried logging onto Gchat. No sign of you.
Not on MSN Messenger either.

Electricity / communication has been cut off in certain areas.

Where are you? I'm worried about you.
I hope you are safe and dry, hao peng you.

International Herald Tribune
Thousands of Australians evacuated in wild storms that killed 9

SYDNEY, Australia: Officials urged thousands of Australians to flee their homes as rising floodwaters from three days of wild weather threatened to wash away their homes.

Nine people have been killed since the storms began Friday near the port city of Newcastle, around 140 kilometers (90 miles) north of Sydney.

The unusually strong winds and sea swell were also blamed for pushing a massive coal freighter onto a nearby sand bank, prompting fears of a major oil and fuel spill.

New South Wales state police on Sunday recovered the body of a 45-year-old man who was swept into a storm water drain after getting out of his flooded car on Friday night.

At the peak of Friday's wild weather, five members of the same family were swept to their deaths when a section of highway collapsed under their car, plunging them into a swollen creek.

Around 5,000 people in the towns of Maitland and Singleton were ordered to leave their homes late Sunday, as the state's emergency coordinator warned the nearby Hunter River could rise more than 11 meters (36.09 feet) above its normal height, breaching levees and flooding neighborhoods.

Emergency shelters run by charity groups began filling up late Sunday, as an 8:00 p.m. (1000GMT) evacuation deadline came and went.

Hundreds of residents, including many elderly people, waited in the evacuation centers, wrapped in blankets and watching television. Others were lying on mattresses on the floor.

Earlier, Prime Minister John Howard offered financial support to the storm-battered region, and expressed his sympathies to those affected by the storms.

"I know I speak for every Australian in saying that the country is thinking of you and we're heart broken by the loss of lives," he said. "It is an immense disaster."

The storms have also created havoc for utilities. More than 100,000 homes from northern Sydney to the Hunter Valley, near Newcastle, were without power Sunday.

Officials warned it could be days before the electricity is restored.

Fill In The Blank [2m]

Love - You

___ - Me?

a mouthful.

I don't feel too good....you know? =(

Words, of jarring noise and clattered palettes.

What do I know?

Nothing.

Look to the mimosa.

-curls inwards-

Sri Lanka?

Water babies / Beach enthusiasts alert!
Sri Lanka, contrary to our perceptions of it. [It did take me by surprise...]

Clip 1 (Duration - 1:12 but it takes time to load)


Clip 2 ( Duration - 9:59 )

For My Hao Peng You

Leion returned to Sydney on 28 May and after hearing the news on cna last evening, I'm a tad worried.

Hao peng you, are you ok? Are you safe?

News.com.au - 2 hours ago

TORRENTIAL rain that has wreaked havoc on the NSW Hunter and Central Coast regions is expected to move south and lash Sydney later today.

Two people have died and there are grave fears for a family of five missing after a Central Coast road collapsed, sending their car crashing down an embankment and into a flooded creek.

The wild weather has forced Premier Morris Iemma to declare a natural disaster in the Hunter and Central Coast regions amid flooding, evacuations, strandings, blackouts, landslides, commuter and traffic chaos and thousands of calls to emergency services.

The Bureau of Meteorology warned the public not to be lulled into a false sense of security by an apparent easing of conditions this morning as winds were expected to crank up to gale force later.

"The low pressure system is slowly moving south so the good news is it's stopped absolutely pelting down in Newcastle and the Central Coast but now Sydney's getting the brunt of it, and it's also becoming heavier in the Illawarra,'' said bureau forecaster Julie Evans.

"The winds have dropped a little bit in some areas now but we are expecting another surge of winds up the coast this afternoon.'' Ms Evans predicted rain falls of up to 100mm in Sydney today and slightly more in the Illawarra.

abc news online - yesterday

Sydney residents have been warned to prepare for heavy rain, flash floods and hazardous surf expected from late this afternoon.

Julie Evans from the Weather Bureau, expects the high winds and heavy rain to peak this evening and early tomorrow morning. "People should take care of power lines coming down or that sort of thing," she said. She is urging residents to clear their properties of loose objects, then stay indoors and avoid non-essential travel.

The bad weather has triggered a spate of accidents, creating problems on the roads. Trees have fallen on power lines, blacking out about 3,000 Sydney homes.

Beaches closed - All Sydney beaches have been closed because of the winds. Steven Leahy from Surf Lifesaving Sydney says he expects the conditions to worsen over the long weekend. "We could get waves of up to fifteen to eighteen feet by Monday morning," he said.

Transport affected - Sydney Ferries has replaced all Manly services with buses because of high winds. The Parramatta service is terminating at Rydalmere, and the Cronulla to Bundeena ferry has been suspended.

50 Seconds...

...of sweetness.

Watch the adorable girl and be moved when she runs to the door!

And Those That Charm Me Most.

Adorable cuddle wuddles in tufts of fur!
From Cats-Fun

- 8.40 am -

Maybe,
the bus has long stopped ploughing this stop.
And she's still seated,
waiting with the ticket in her hand.

- 8.40am -

Love. You. Love, Me.

encapsulated by fanz

Love. You.
Love, Me.

Free Design - Love You

Give a little time for the child within you,
don’t be afraid to be young and free.
Undo the locks and throw away the keys
and take off your shoes and socks, and run you.
La, la, la...

Run through the meadow and scare up the milking cows
Run down the beach kicking clouds of sand
Walk a windy weather day, feel your face blow away
Stop and listen: Love you.

Roll like a circus clown, put away your circus frown
Ride on a roller coaster upside down
Waltzing Matilda, Carey loves a kinkatchoo
Joey catch a kangaroo, hug you.

Dandylion, milkweed, silky on a sunny sky
Reach out and hitch a ride and float on by
Balloons down below catching colors of the rainbow
red, blue and yellow-green: I love you.

Bicycles, tricycles, ice cream candy
Lollypops, popsicles, licorice sticks
Solomon Grundy, Raggedy Andy
Tweedledum and Tweedledee, home free.

Cowboys and Indians, puppydogs and sandpails
Beachballs and baseballs and basketballs, too.
I love forget-me-nots, fluffernutters, sugarpops
I’ll hug you and kiss you and love you

La, la, la... Love you.

Which In Turn Laughs.

29 May 2007 (Tuesday)

Laughter : ****
Spontaniety : *****
Food : ****
Drinks : ****
Efficiency in Gathering : ******

That's What -

I thought.

'Twas Not.

And.

Nought.

And of Threads which Bind...

this is the garden : colours come and go,
frail azures fluttering from night's outer wing
strong silent greens serenely lingering,
absolute lights like baths of golden snow.

this is the garden,colours come and go,....(IX)

e.e. cummings

I'm The Gingerbread Man.

Illustrated by Toktobis

The gingerbread man ran on and on until he came to a Cow.

"Stop, little gingerbread man," said the Cow. "I want to eat you."

But the gingerbread man said, "I have run away from a little old woman and a little old man, and I can run away from you, too. I can, I can!"

And the cow began to chase the gingerbread man, but the gingerbread man ran faster, and said, "Run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me! I'm the Gingerbread Man!"

And the cow couldn't catch him.

====================

Alea Jacta Est ? Part 2 ?

====================

Have You Ever?

Art by FaerieNymph

One of my old faves for the poignance evoked.
Not incredibly the best literature around, though.
For your listening pleasure.

Have you ever?
I have.

Have You Ever - Brandy

[chorus]
Have you ever loved somebody so much, It makes you cry?
Have you ever needed something so bad, You can't sleep at night?
Have you ever tried to find the words, But they don't come out right?
Have you ever? Have you ever?

Have you ever been in love?
Been in love so bad
You'd do anything to make them understand
Have you ever had someone steal your heart away?
You'd give anything to make them feel the same
Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart?
But you don't know what to say
And you don't know where to start
[Chorus]

Have you ever found the one You've dreamed of all of your life?
You'd do just about anything to look into their eyes
Have you finally found the one you've given your heart to?
Only to find that one won't give their heart to you
Have you ever closed your eyes and Dreamed that they were there
And all you can do is wait for the day when they will care
[Chorus]

What do I got to do to get you in my arms, Baby?
What do I got to say to get to your heart?
To make you understand how I need you next to me
Got to get you in my world
Coz Baby, I can't sleep
[chorus]

Hello, Mich.

Hello, Mich.

We meet again.

I told you so, didn't I?
Did you listen? No.

Well done, Mich.
Well done indeed.

Your arch-nemesis,
The Lady In The Mirror