Ready, Steady...Go?

Would it be better to be direct with each other instead of relying on what is the purported Ping-Pong on Facebook?

I guess so but fear breeds avoidance. At least on my part.

I don't understand.

This falls squarely on our shoulders.

Maybe I'll weep and you'll be grim.

Maybe the night of Devonshire would transpire once again, when we knew its finality and talked for a long time as each did not want to say goodbye

Maybe it'll hurt us.

But greater is the agony of not knowing how nor why nor if nor when.

That is what festers within.

Let's come clean

And if need be, we'll bury the past together; it'll be closure for us.

If not, let's hop on the ride together.

Let's find a direction for each other.

Let's not pretend that avoidance is for the good of the other party.

Had it worked, 9 years would not have gone by with bouts of disappearing and reappearing acts on both sides.

You promised that You wouldn't disappear in December 2012.

I believed You.

I still do.

I trust that You must have had your reasons, for You have always been protective of me and I've felt safe with You.

Dear You, I'm ready whenever You are.

Waxing Lyrical.

Deceivingly catchy, this duet left me morose with its accompanying lyrics.
It gnaws at my frail frame, for its resemblance to what has transpired between us is uncanny.

"你在我的面前微笑 装不知道
With a smile, you pretend to be oblivious.
其实你告白的简讯 我有收到
Actually, I'd received your text.
为何你 爱要晚到
Why did your love arrive too late?
只能像朋友般拥抱
We can only hug under the guise of friendship.

用记忆在对你拍照 让人难熬
Ruminating on encapsulated moments and our pictures leaves me wretched.
其实我对于你的好 也曾动摇
I'd grown to love the Good that was You.
为何你 爱要晚到
Why did You arrive too late?
对的人 不对的时间 却放不掉
The Right person appeared at the wrong time. However, I've yet to let You go."

********************************************************************

For those who'd like the lyrics in its entirety, you'd love to commit this to memory. :)

(周)眼看着手机里 没讯号
担心你的回信 我收不到
哪怕只传来一个 微笑的符号
我都会舍不得 删掉

(袁)电台传来天气 的预报
想起你为我遮雨 的外套

(合)客厅的电视播放 偶像剧频道
羡慕他们为爱 在争吵

(周) 你在我的面前微笑 装不知道
(袁) 其实你告白的简讯 我有收到
(周) 你说我 爱太晚到 / (袁) 为何你 爱要晚到
(合) 只能像朋友般拥抱 Yeah~

(周) 你说他的用心付出 比我早到
(袁) 对你的温柔只能放 心里收好
(周) 你说我 爱太晚到 / (袁) 为何你 爱要晚到
(合) 怎么做 我们彼此才 不会伤到

(周) 我记得你爱喝的饮料 (袁) 的饮料
(周) 也排队买你爱吃的面包 (袁) 的面包
(周) 却只能对你远远 的会心一笑 (袁) 的会心一笑
(周) 连你的手都牵不到

(袁) 你说你有多的电影票 (周) Yeah~
(周) 你知道 (袁) 事情没有 (合) 那么巧
(袁) 但很窝心的是你怕我无聊 / (周) 但很窝心的是我怕你无聊
(袁) 你比他清楚我的心跳 / (周) 我比他清楚你的心跳

(周) 你在我的面前微笑 装不知道
(袁) 其实你告白的简讯 我有收到
(周) 你说我 爱太晚到 / (袁) 为何你 爱要晚到
(合) 只能像朋友般 拥抱 Yeah~

(周) 你说他的用心付出 比我早到
(袁) 对你的温柔只能放 心里收好
(周) 你说我 爱太晚到 / (袁) 为何你 爱要晚到
(合) 怎么做 我们彼此才 不会伤到

(周) 你在我的面前微笑 装不知道
(袁) 他没有不好只是话 越聊越少
(周) 你说我 爱太晚到 / (袁) 为何你 爱要晚到
(合) 错过了幸福的味道 Yeah~

(周) 用记忆在对你拍照 让人难熬
(袁) 其实我对于你的好 也曾动摇
(周) 你说我 爱太晚到 / (袁) 为何你 爱要晚到
(合) 对的人 不对的时间 却放不掉

Bedtime Stories.

She stares into the distance.

And there lies the oblique horizon.

It is there, yet it is not.

For as far as her eyes can see, it tapers sharply into oblivion.

Gingerly, she makes her way towards what she believes is tangible.

But it is for nought -

An infinite loop spawns nothing but a mangled mess.

The Gordian knot is weathered and frayed.

Yet she, with all her naivete, looks toward the goal,

And presses on.

向左走．向右走

走不出
这个
黑暗 ...

Wait and Wade.

I could type a long narrative here, but I shan't.

Dear You,

Do you fight the pain each day?

Do you ruminate on the What Ifs and If Onlys?

I miss You.

And somewhere, somehow,

I know that You miss me too,

For the culmination of gestures and words have long cemented that.

However, recent weeks have yielded nought.

As each day passes, our salient silence is broken only by what we post on Facebook.

But for some reason, You just wouldn't say.

I've been walking in circles, trying to pull away but each time I do, things would go askew and I'd come running right back to You.

The reverse is true as You'd get me lil gifts or find a reason to surprise me though I'd tried to run away from You time and time again.

It is why we've been on this carousel for almost a decade.

Dear You,

If You are doing this for my own good or because of _________,

Know that it isn't so.

Know that by protecting me in this manner, it actually gnaws away at my frail frame.

Don't protect me by building a wall.

We cannot go on like this.

Each night, we wallow in our pain and Facebook is our only outlet of covert communication via cryptic posts. It is our haven of escapism.

= Aug 2013 (Whatsapp) =
Me : Swim back to me and take me to where You are!
You : Swim, Swim, Swim....

Dear You,

I cannot swim,

But I can learn to Wade.

Of Food, Time and Aunt.

Time -

The Pavlovian conditioning has somewhat culminated in a propensity towards anticipating crumbles.

Let's put You out of the way for today.

Aunt's been fighting for her life for the last 3 weeks.

Critically ill, she had been in mICU where countless tubes adorned her flesh involuntarily. Breathing was a gift, for with each audible gasp of air that the machines had granted, it meant that life continued to course through her veins. Her mouth had been forcibly widened to allow copius amounts of oxygen in.

Last Sunday, she was asleep when I arrived. A gentle shake woke her up. As our eyes met, she broke into loud wails and would not stop bawling. When our helper (God's gift to our family, for she has taken care of each one like her own) asked why Aunt had burst into tears, she sputtered through gasps,
"Michelle....Michelle...Cook whatever Michelle wants to eat."

That is Aunt. I'm very blessed when it comes to my maternal family. While Uncle had been my sole influence in academics and had showered me with every educational tool or book that I had ever wanted, Aunt was the tour de force when it came to the palate. She ruled the kitchen and every meal was a banquet of sorts.

To give you a clearer picture, a typical meal I had as a 7-year-old included
• Two plates of rice
• 1-2 whole fish (catfish, pomfret, garoupa or otherwise)
• A bowl of 6-7 chilli prawns
• A bowl of sambal kangkong or cabbage
• A large bowl of pork rib soup
• 1-2 fried eggs

Yup, that was my daily ingestion. It sure explains my insatiable appetite in adulthood!

Food, in our Peranakan culture, is crucial. It is the epitome of love and family bonding. Hence, Aunt would ply me with every possible yummy dish that she could whip up. All I had to do was ask.

From the day I could speak as a toddler, I had been given a choice as to what I'd like to have for every meal. This holds true till today, at this given moment. There was an unspoken rule which Uncle & Aunt had enforced - that everyone had/has to eat whatever I wanted.

When Aunt was struck with gout, she continued to labour in the kitchen with Mum to feed the family.

When she needed a walking stick because a leg had been distorted as a result of said gout, pots and pans continued to clang in the kitchen.

Consequently, both legs gave way and she was confined to a wheelchair. Mum assumed the role of being the family chef but Aunt remained at helm and acted as the commander over recipes. It was hilarious as both would bicker about inane ingredients and such but this would dissipate once the edibles met our palates. Grunts of approval amongst family banter meant that the meal was up to standard.

That is why Food is incredibly important to me, for it is a reminder of the immense amount of love I had been gifted with since birth.

Today, Aunt quivered violently but tests showed that nothing was out of the ordinary. She remarked weakly that she wanted to 'go home' (read: Heaven) and meet my deceased Uncle. Then, she muttered my name over and over again throughout the day.

Dear God, she has suffered much over the last 15 years. Yet, time and time again, she has always miraculously pulled through and acted as if nothing had ever happened. It was bizarre as we were baffled but it was certainly a happy miracle.

Dear God, please sustain Aunt. We would love the bizarre miracle once more.

In Jesus' Name I pray,
Amen.

Then.

The vacuous space,
A Moment in Time,
That Night.

I miss You.

Pummel!

It's going to be a gruelling week.

Work beckons.

Pushing myself beyond my physical limitations is not an option.

I must -

Verily so, I'm afraid.

'...and You let her go.'

(1) Talk is cheap.
If you like me, tell me.
If you miss me, show me.
If you love me, prove it.

(2) 'Don't you ever say
I just walked away
I will always want you.

All I ever wanted was to break your walls
...I just closed my eyes and swung...'

~ Miley Cyrus, Wrecking Ball

(3) 'Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
Coz you loved her too much and you dive too deep

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go

And You let her go'

~ Passenger, Let Her Go

Then, You reached out and Liked it.

Burying my face in my hands, I wept bitterly.

I miss You, too.

But I have to go.

I must.

'...and that You miss me, too.'

Source : aRQ3pxq on 9GAG

The Cacophony.

Shut out the cacophony.
Hold on, Mich.
Hold your fort.
Do not waver.
Stagnation is not an option.

FORGE AHEAD!

Watch This.

Every now and then, a reel of sorts latches itself and refuses to budge.

End of Watch is an excellent movie, starring Jake Gyllenhaal and Anna Kendrick. (Aside : Yours truly has watched every movie that features Jake Gyllenhaal or Leonardo DiCaprio.)

While the film expounds on the dangers of upholding justice and the threats posed by cartels, it is far from a police-versus-mob cliche. The script is sharp and its cinematography is authentic.

While death weaves itself into the plot, it announces its finality at the end and is certain to send a sledgehammer hurtling right into your subconscious.

Juxtaposing against the grim outcome is this mise–en–scène.

Unscripted, it was secretly filmed by the director as they were driving to Las Vegas. The cacaphony of fact and fiction lends credence to the theme of disarray.

That hair flick and coy glance - Anna Kendrick clearly has a thing or two for Jake Gyllenhaal in reality.

Instead of the gruesome bits, it is this cheerful clip that grips me.

For it reminds me of the times I was in your car -
When you were at the wheel,
And I was the Happiest girl in the world.

Keeping Mum.

When I was 16, my form teacher engaged us in a discussion about our future.

I'd wanted to be a lawyer or a social worker.

Today, I'm neither; I'm a teacher. I love what I do and I'm very good at it.

When I was 18, I told everyone that I wanted to be married at 24.

Today, I tell my students to live their dreams and wait till 30. Having done that, 24 was way too young to have signed my life away on a legal document.

When I was 22, I dreamt of a lil Michie pottering around by the time I was 30.

Today, I'm 34.

"You're waiting for him,aren't you?" was something that a friend had queried That Night when I was 25.

When inquisitive people badger me, my convenient excuse is, "No time."

"Eeew, no," is another favourite red herring.

I dreamt of lil Michie today.

She was clad in a yellow dress and twirled around with ribbons. She covered her mouth and giggled. As I reached for her hand, she asked, "Mummy, you want me but why won't you have me?" and I woke up in tears.

I have no answer to that, lil One.

Because I want your life to be perfect and free from pain. I want every memory of yours to be Happy. You don't have to be the brightest spark or incredibly talented. All I ask is for a Happy & Healthy you. I will love you very, very much.

I had a fantastic childhood. And right now, I cannot promise you that.

So in my dreams you'll have to linger, lil One.

Until I decide to have you.

When I do, I'll never get rid of you. No, no. You'll be too precious come what may.

Erstwhile, I'm sorry.

Not for Nought.

Wheedle nought to make amends.

Yes, I cried when I read Your scrawls of a similar fashion a while ago.

Words cleverly weaved that I'd sieved instantly.

Why? Why now?

You broke me when You left without The Call in December 2012.

Did You know how upset I was?

There was I, clutching my phone in my hand and reading the message you'd sent hours after we'd parted ways at 2 AM, "Are you still awake? Want me to call you?" and muttering to myself that the phone would ring.

I missed it and only replied at 2.30AM. I rushed to the pool and waited in the cold till 4AM before trudging back to my abode.

Do You know why I'd missed your text?

I was bawling for I was convinced that I'd lost You after parting ways with you at 8PM.

• I told myself that when You promised You wouldn't disappear, I would take it to be the reverse, that I'd never see You again.

• You said that You'd bring the lil tank I'd crafted and pack the medicine with You despite your limited luggage space. I told myself that You were being polite and not to take it literally.

• When I laughed and teased You on how to outdo yourself for my next Birthday, perhaps on Your ship, You replied in jest that a river cruise would be more permissible but You'd be broke and feast on kaya toast thereafter. I told myself not to be stupid and take it as a tangible promise.

So yes, that was why I was bawling and did not notice Your text.

And You never gave me The Call that would have answered everything.

All I wanted was a tangible word,

One which I'd traded 9 years for, albeit in vain.

I was willing to be shrouded in secrecy, to turn a blind eye because I knew that it would not be for long.

Dear You, I know that the night of Devonshire in 2005 marked the pivotal change. I know that it was MY FAULT that I'd let You down with _____.

If You've been struggling with pain ever since, know that it is far worse on my end, for You were the Boy that I'd finally known after a decade of excessive shyness on my end but never did I expect it yet another decade would transpire with us in this mangled mess.

I'd rather attribute Everything to sheer Coincidence than to live with yet another day of hope, that perhaps It would be Tomorrow.

3000+ Tomorrows over a span of 9 years.

And still, You would not say.

Let that be Enough.

"Dainty lashes of each to preen,
Reflecting that which could have been."

Uniquely Uniform.

What would you do when you have a friend who copies you in every single possible manner?

Here's the laundry list :
• The loins in your wardrobe
• Your shoes (right down to the exact colour)
• Your hairstyle
• Your favourite colours
• Your bag & similar styles
• Your intonation when you speak
• Your cosmetic products (eyeshadows, lipgloss, moisturizers..)
• Your accessories
• Underwear (yes, you heard me right)
• But this takes the cake *drumroll* Underwear Size (even though said friend is two whole sizes larger than you)
• Your home furnishings
• Your tech toys

Need I go on?

It is not a hyperbole when others start to notice the eerie cloning process and tell you to do something about it.

I'm fine with the cloning. Imitation is the best form of flattery.

Confidence & personality cannot be emulated despite the concerted efforts in mimicking physical traits.

But really, I wish this friend would grow a spine.

After all, it's the lil quirks and differences that make life interesting!

Be Unique.

Be U, my Friend.

6 Minutes.

Yet another Coincidence.

This time, it's 6 minutes apart.

It's beginning to feel like birth pangs.

Dear You, what is Your Purpose?

I gave You 9 whole years.

More importantly, I gave you my youth. I can never have that back.

I would love to live each day in Happiness.

If You would not say,

Then let me walk away.

Through the Fog, I Dreamt.

I dreamt of You. Thrice.

After all this while,

After having some peace of mind, I dreamt of You.

The scenario's always the same :

You'd lead me to a house. It was always one with copious amounts of space. You'd then draw near to me but leave soon after.

This inspid invasion of the subconscious is attributed to the onslaught I'd expected on Facebook.

"You know he'll do it. You're asking for it, provoking a retaliation by man this, man that," was B's chiding.

Really?

I thought it no longer mattered,

That You'd no longer cared,

That I no longer did either.

"If he no longer cared, would all these happen right now? Can you stop attributing it to sheer Coincidence? Do you really think you can hide behind naive thoughts? Can EVERYTHING he has done and tried to show be simply coincidence?" was M's exasperated admonishment.

It's better to think of everything as one huge Coincidence.

It's better this way.

So that I can continue to walk away.

I have to.

I must.