Monday, February 27, 2006

Don't Cry

Intensely frustrated at work.
There is a limit to my patience & tolerance. = (

Don't Cry - Naked
(a haunting tune by this local band in the 90s.
Regrettably, it cannot be found online.)


Winter comes for a season
to purge your soul
with the change of the seasons
I spin out of control

Where can I find you
when you're not even there
Nowhere to find you

Innocent eyes are blinded
when the candle dies
Put your arms around him
there'll be no sleep tonight

How can I help you
when you're so far away
No way to help you
should I pray

Don't cry (don't cry baby)
wipe the tears from your eyes
don't cry (don't cry baby)
sleep with the souls tonight

There's nowhere to run, nowhere to hide
fear is a monster, no end in sight
no screaming, silent screaming
tonight close your eyes, dream

There's no where to run, no where to hide
fear is a monster, no end in sight
no screaming , scream it away
tonight, close your eyes and pray.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

-Under Construction-

= This post is currently under construction =

** hammer **
** drill **
** Puts up makeshift sign **

Happy Birthday, Daniel!

Saturday, February 25, 2006

The Imperfect Perfectionist

Often, I complete tasks with an "it's all or nothing" attitude and I relish in what I do best with passion and zeal. I would not participate in anything unless I am sure of a win. I used to write essays at the very last minute, knowing that I will get nothing short of an A. I'm not the sort who can work through the night, and normally, I would set the deadline of completion at 2am. With nothing concrete to start with, I would furiously filter through notes and sources, map out key ideas in a concept map, type the essay and re-edit it at least thrice, sometimes rewriting entire paragraphs. These would be jam-packed in a few hours and immense satisfaction arose from that stressful period. If I tried to start work earlier, the streak of competition, albeit a silly race against time, would be absent and thus, the completed essay would not be of a desired quality and I would edit it repeatedly till I was satisfied.

Perfectionists, like me, are extremists for we apply a broad dogmatic approach to all matters. Take for example the case of a tutor who once doubted that my essay was authentic and gave me a 'D'. In her words, it was "flawless and it couldn't have been written by a student." I was furious and took this matter to the dean. So vehement was I in proving my innocence that I challenged the tutor to sit with me for a few hours. I could produce any essay of the same quality. Moreover, she could check with my Literature, Psychology & English tutors on the consistency of my essays. This was turned down by the tutor, who reiterated that if I handed in a fresh essay, she would give me a better grade. Naturally angered at the insult, I told her that I did not need her grade to get an overall "A" at the end of the semester. Fury spurred me on and I secured an "A" for that module eventually. Subsequently, she was dismissed in the near future. It reeked of arrogance but I was determined not to be maligned. The perfectionist in me would not have allowed it. If it had been a subject that I had no inclination towards, for example, IT or Science, I would have accepted it.

With age, I am trying to mellow and dilute my feisty nature but the innate streak is hard to overcome. Family culture has a part to play as well. Mum instilled the mantra from a tender age, "If you are wrong, remain quiet and accept that you've made a mistake. But if you are right, then speak up and prove it." This resulted in a "black or white" approach to life. You were either right or wrong, left or right, up or down. There were no grey areas, no centre of alignment, no middle ground, so to speak. In other words, there's no room for negotiation.

I'm trying to work on this and be less judgmental. Ironically, I dislike being shackled and criticised, yet I can be quick to point out faults. I can spend hours just choosing the right shade of brown for my curtains. I can search for hours and ring up bookstores till I get that novel by David Wong Louie which is not available in Singapore. At work, I would always go beyond what is required just to reap verbal rewards in areas that I am best at. To prove a point, I had single-handedly organised a major school event for more than 1000 pupils without a colleague chipping in to help. Sometimes, these are the silly things which pile on unnecesaary stress.

Teach me to be positive. My learning curve is on the rise. I need to learn to take a deep breath and realise that sometimes, I don't need to be the star. I need to release the claws that latch on with a refusal to let go. Recently, I've been extremely anti-social and withdrawn, avoiding everyone whom I know, even at work. The only social event I participated in was having friends over for Chinese New Year. Things got so bad that some of my friends thought I had gone missing as I refused to answer any call nor reply any SMS. My defense mechanism was automatically triggered due to certain events that left me devastated.

You cannot tell what I am thinking nor feeling because I will never allow myself to be perceived as weak. I'm always laughing and joking because I don't want you to think little of me. It's a false perception that life is perfect on my side. I need to let go of that irrational belief. Teach me to open up and draw closer to others. I wish I could be as honest and candid as some of you, without having the need to bolster and prop up the pretty pillows.Mich would like to lay down, rest her laurels and discard all notions of false pretence from now on.

Perfectionism
· Do you feel like what you accomplish is never quite good enough?
· Do you often put off turning in papers or projects, waiting to get them just right?
· Do you feel you must give more than 100 percent on everything you do or else you will be mediocre or even a failure?

Perfectionism refers to a set of self-defeating thoughts and behaviors aimed at reaching excessively high unrealistic goals. Perfectionism is often mistakenly seen in our society as desirable or even necessary for success. However, recent studies have shown that perfectionistic attitudes actually interfere with success. The desire to be perfect can both rob you of a sense of personal satisfaction and cause you to fail to achieve as much as people who have more realistic strivings.

Causes of Perfectionism
If you are a perfectionist, it is likely that you learned early in life that other people valued you because of how much you accomplished or achieved. As a result you may have learned to value yourself only on the basis of other people's approval. Thus your self-esteem may have come to be based primarily on external standards. This can leave you vulnerable and excessively sensitive to the opinions and criticism of others. In attempting to protect yourself from such criticism, you may decide that being perfect is your only defense.

The following negative feelings, thoughts, and beliefs may be associated with perfectionism:
· Fear of failure. Perfectionists often equate failure to achieve their goals with a lack of personal worth or value.
· Fear of making mistakes. Perfectionists often equate mistakes with failure. In orienting their lives around avoiding mistakes, perfectionists miss opportunities to learn and grow.
· Fear of disapproval. If they let others see their flaws, perfectionists often fear that they will no longer be accepted. Trying to be perfect is a way of trying to protect themselves from criticism, rejection, and disapproval.
· All-or-none thinking. Perfectionists frequently believe that they are worthless if their accomplishments are not perfect. Perfectionists have difficulty seeing situations in perspective. For example, a straight As student who receives a B might believe "I am a total failure."
· Overemphasis on "should"s. Perfectionists' lives are often structured by an endless list of "should"s that serve as rigid rules for how their lives must be led. With such an overemphasis on shoulds, perfectionists rarely take into account their own wants and desires.
· Believing that others are easily successful. Perfectionists tend to perceive others as achieving success with a minimum of effort, few errors, emotional stress, and maximum self-confidence. At the same time, perfectionists view their own efforts as unending and forever inadequate.

The Vicious Cycle of Perfectionism
Perfectionistic attitudes set in motion a vicious cycle.
1) First, perfectionists set unreachable goals.
2) Second, they fail to meet these goals because the goals were impossible to begin with. Failure to reach them was thus inevitable.
3) Third, the constant pressure to achieve perfection and the inevitable chronic failure reduce productivity and effectiveness.
4) Fourth, this cycle leads perfectionists to be self-critical and self-blaming which results in lower self-esteem. It may also lead to anxiety and depression. At this point perfectionists may give up completely on their goals and set different goals thinking, "This time if only I try harder I will succeed."
Such thinking sets the entire cycle in motion again.

This vicious cycle can be illustrated by looking at a way in which perfectionists often deal with interpersonal relationships. Perfectionists tend to anticipate or fear disapproval and rejection from those around them. Given such fear, perfectionists may react defensively to criticism and in doing so frustrate and alienate others. Without realizing it, perfectionists may also apply their unrealistically high standards to others, becoming critical and demanding of them. Furthermore, perfectionists may avoid letting others see their mistakes, not realizing that self-disclosure allows others to perceive them as more human and thus more likeable. Because of this vicious cycle, perfectionists often have difficulty being close to people and therefore have less than satisfactory interpersonal relationships.

Friday, February 24, 2006

A Little Note

Mr X, you've been forgiven. Heh. Mich understands the frantic nature of your work. Reiterating the same old line, complete forgiveness comes in the form of more pressies for Mich, ya?

=winks=

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

1 000 pages

1 000 pages of marking? Certainly, that was my workload today. Forgoing lunch, loo breaks & anything which interrupted my momentum, I managed to complete this lulling insanity in 4 hours. Coupled with the serene ambience of the garden located within the school premises, tackling this task was made easier. The staff room had too many distractions whizzing about - colleagues chatting, pupils trickling in and out, phones buzzing, lack of space, drowsy onslaught after lunch, and more. Elimination of all these factors increased the output efficiency, which translates to walking out of that gate ahead of the projected time. I'm certainly not complaining about that! =D

Working smart means getting everything done in a fraction of the stipulated time, without compromising on the quality so that you're able to put the remaining hours to good use in other areas. Working hard means putting in countless hours, but time is wasted on frivolous affairs like lunch, chatting and a decrease in speed due to lethargic bouts after lunch. Working smart means being focused without getting distracted easily. It's almost an obssession within the time frame in which you're engaged in your work. Nothing else matters till you complete the task. Efficiency is key and nothing should disrupt you. Working hard is stringing disjointed thoughts & activities prone to engagements unrelated to work. Thus, you spend time at the pantry making coffee, going to the loo & chatting with whoever you meet in there, strolling back to the office and making small talk on the way, squirming at the lack of space and wonder after two hours why nothing has been done.

Which of the two describes your work style? To work hard or to work smart?

Monday, February 20, 2006

Clap-To-Mania

~To: My Dear Reader

My ego's not exactly scaling the heights these days and you want to know why? Do you really want to know? This space isn't enough to tell.

My eyes rove around and they settle on something profoundly intriguing. I stare at this newfound stranger and I wonder if it is still the same. Reality check in the form of some reading material today. Finally, I had the time to dig out all the past issues and pored over the words that flittered across the crisp, white pages. My eyes narrowed, lips pursed and I tore out the pages drenched in colour. Subsequently, they found their new home in the bin. Having been kept in the dark, I'd fumbled, groped and flicked the switch. Wrong move. I didn't like what I saw.

Why? Sorry, Einstein's moved to a neighbourhood six feet under. That, in simple English, means that I have no answer. What do I look like, a soothsayer? Nay, my friend.

I am but a small speck. They are the stars that capture your attention and I drift inconspicuously in and out of your consciousness, grasping onto passing wisps which catch your fancy. Glittery numerato I do not possess, let alone panache.Bask in the glory while I figure which square inch on the wallpaper befits me best.

A river of nonsense. Enjoy the ride, Miss Ter. After all, you've taken me for one, haven't you?

~Love: Mich
P/S: Goodnight, sleep tight while I go pull the wool over my eyes.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Ack, Cough, Sputter...

The phone rang. Answering the call, I could barely squeak. Strained vocal cords, slightly breathless and wheezing, constant whooping since Monday, pitchers of water downed, faithful administration of medication and still, nothing's improved.

Welcome to the Annual Frog Fest.

= Tick Tock Tick Tock =

Searching for a free countdown ticker was easy. I couldn't quite fit the countdown ticker into the side and so, I placed it at the top instead. All was well yesterday, with nary a fault in the afternoon. Not quite the expert in IT, I was rather baffled when the ticker went on a sudden strike on my blog at night but could work on Alex's. Attempts to retrieve new tickers were foiled as some available were inappropriate (graduation, baby shower, et al). To cut the long story short, after fiddling with new tickers and reconfiguring, I've decided to leave the original one here. Currently, it is working fine. However, should it decide to throw a hissy fit, all one can see is an X in its place. Grrrrr......

Mr X, now you've got to get Mich more pressies! Heh. =)

Friday, February 17, 2006

Epiphany

There are some things which I can forgive. There are some which I can dismiss and forget. If you've hurt me, I can accept it. It will be a learning experience and a grappling issue of trust. I'd learn to pick myself up again and nurse my own wounds. But if you intentionally caused irreversible pain, I'll never forgive you.

Don't worry. Nothing has happened. It was simply a fleeting thought. I'm not hurling an accusatory finger at anyone in particular. Radically free from caustic bites, I'm clearing the abandoned clutter that has lulled about for far too long.

Paint Your Personality

Interestingly, I discovered that art is closely linked to one's personality at this site. As with my earlier post, I find the genres of Cubism & Abstract Expressionism fascinating.

Dr Stian Reimers, a research fellow in experimental psychology at the University of Warwick, helped the BBC design the art preference and psychology experiment.

MY RESULTS
Your favourite type of art is Cubism. In the personality profile you had a high intellectualism score, which suggests you like to think about abstract ideas and have a creative imagination.
High Intellectualism
People with high intellectualism scores are interested the abstract. They like thinking about things they can't see and have creative imaginations, able to dream up whole new worlds. They like to feel they understand things and will probe deeply into a subject to get as good an insight as possible.
Average Agreeableness
People with average agreeableness scores tend not to be as keen to understand other people's feelings as people with high agreeableness scores. But they are also more likely to seek a compromise or avoid offending others than people with low agreeableness scores. They are somewhere in between. They can engage positively with others and put people at their ease, but they may be more likely to speak their mind, even at the risk of offending someone.

RESULTS OF THE EXPERIMENT
If you like a party, you may prefer abstract paintings. The results of the online experiment into art preference and personality type suggest that extraverts prefer works by artists who don't attempt to paint reality.

  • People who prefer abstract art tend to be more conservative, dogmatic, and are often sensation seekers.
  • People who are open to new experiences are less likely to enjoy looking at realistic paintings. They seek something more atypical and challenging.
  • People with low emotional stability tend to prefer abstract and pop-art paintings.

The main findings of this experiment were that extraverts preferred abstract and cubist art relative to more representational forms like Impressionism and Japanese art. There are theories of extraversion that suggest introverts crave less external stimulation than extraverts, and these results back up theories of this type. It's likely that, for many people, more modern paintings tend to have a higher visual impact than traditional forms or art, which are more widely accepted as the norm. Of course, the impact a piece of art has on an individual can never be predicted.

The opposite was true for agreeableness. People who were more agreeable tended to prefer Impressionism and Japanese art, whereas people who were less agreeable liked what you might call more challenging art – Abstract, Cubism, Islamic and Renaissance. Intellectuals – those open to new aesthetic experiences – tended to avoid Impressionism, possibly because it was too familiar. The Abstract style was rated very similarly to cubist art: People who liked Cubism also liked Abstract. This is not surprising given the similarity of styles and the similar era in which they were painted.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Happy Tuesday!

My Canon V3 digital camera finally breathed its last today with no prior warning. It was no use crying over spilt milk and subsequently, my new toy was Canon Ixus 750 that I felt was a little steep at $819, albeit it being my gift (read: foc).

An extension of this gift was a sumptuous dinner. Location? Oscar's at Conrad Centennial Hotel. After throwing in additional glasses of Veuve Clicquot Rose champagne & prevailing taxes, the bill was close to $300. Succulent scallops and extremely palatable desserts aside (cheesecake heaven!), the service provided was top notch. I must say that it was a great dining experience & a much better deal than the previous dinner at Town Restaurant in Fullerton Hotel. Gifts were prepared and immaculately laid on the table with rose petals strewn carefully. Encased in a gold gift box was a Conrad bear and an L'Occitane product. Catering to the sentimentalists, a customised message with the sender's name was printed on paper and scrolled in a bottle. Even the menu was decked in pretty pink. I certainly felt pampered and was as pleased as punch.

The drawback was that it was an expensive day out, totalling more than $1 000, although my wallet was spared from the languishing hole.

Awaiting dinner
Dinner's yet to be served
Prelude to main course (not in pic): Amuse Bouche [simply oysters....yucks!]
Main Course (in pic): Roasted Salmon (uber yummy!)
Pretty MenuGift box
Printed on one of its sides
Contents within the gift box
Complimentary Rose & Message In A Bottle

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Have You Ever - Brandy

Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry?
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night?
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right?

Have you ever?
Have you ever?

Have you ever been in love
Been in love so bad
You'd do anything
To make them understand?

Have you ever had someone
Steal your heart away?
You'd give anything
To make them feel the same?

Have you ever searched for words
To get you in their heart
But you don't know what to say
And you don't know where to start?

(Repeat chorus)

Have you ever found the one
You've dreamed of all your life?
You'd do just about anything
To look into their eyes?

Have you finally found the one
You've given your heart to
Only to find that one
Won't give their heart to you?

Have you ever closed your eyes and
Dreamed that they were there
And all you can do is wait
For that day when they will care?

(Repeat chorus)

What do I gotta do to get you in my arms, baby?
What do I gotta say to get to your heart
To make you understand
How I need you next to me?
Gotta get you in my world
'Cause, baby, I can't sleep

(Repeat chorus twice)

Have you ever?

I know I have. Have you?

Thursday, February 09, 2006

This Guise

When will I be able to shed all inhibition? When will honesty be at the tip of my tongue, a gut instinct instead of a guarded identity?

The clock ticks, scarcely audible to a mind attuned otherwise. We watch the hour but fail to notice the seconds that have gone by.

Saturday, February 04, 2006

Bye Bye, Mr X !

Friday, February 03, 2006

CNY : Day 3

= 31 January 2006 (Tuesday) =

The Plan
To have some friends over for the festive season.

Transposed Reality
Easier said than done!

The Process
- 2 hours at Robinson's in search of a pitcher, ice tongs, glassware & quilt cover set.
- a trip to Ikea for their colourful spiral coasters [ Yes, I know it's sheer madness ]
- 1 hour at Isetan scouring for a floor mat [ Bingo, yet another baffling decision ]
- 1 hour at Takashimaya shopping for a clock. Finally settled for an Umbra clock that was at a discounted price of $110.
- 4 hours packing lingerie [ I know that sounds incredulous. After hoarding them for ages without proper organisation, they've finally been categorized according to colour & type. ]
- 6 hours clearing [ Definition: emptying the cupboards & shelves of unwanted clutter and assembling items in order]
- baking / buying new year goodies
- many hours at NTUC / Giant supermarkets purchasing groceries
- Goodness knows how long it took to wash / scrub / flush / spray / clean / _____________ (fill in the blank)

The Day
Vern & Hum arrived at 3pm, followed by Eugene & his girlfriend. Shortly after, Joshua was at the door. Through a freaky twist of events, Joshua's current girlfriend happens to be my friend of 7 years. Talk about coincidences. Trickling in at 4.10pm was Del. Eugene's fever raged on and he was evidently ill. He left with his girlfriend before 5pm.Ange & Vincent were really, really late at 6pm. Just as I thought everyone had arrived, Ange announced that Danny & Ziqing were on the way. His Royal Lateness strolled in after 7pm. By the time we had champagne courtesy of Danny, it was close to 8.30pm. We filled our tummies at Fish & Co.and left at 10pm. I was exhausted but I had great fun with these boisterous people, especially Ange who's blessed with an infectious gift of the gab and charisma.

After Action Review (heh, does this sound familiar?)
Stressful, physically anguished. Compensation in the form of fun, laughter and bonding. 2007, here I come!

Just before dinner
One last shot before we left the house
In the day: Del flipping through my Chris Ling album intently
Del & Mich
Del & Mich (again!)
The Early Birds: Vern, Joshua & Hum
Joshua looks dead serious but he was actually chatting with Hum at this point.(If you peer really closely, you can see my reflection in the glass, where the blue vase is.)

Thursday, February 02, 2006

No Topic Needed

I haven't been blogging as I was caught up with clearing the house in anticipation of guests over Chinese New Year. I'll try to blog tomorrow. Currently in a semi-conscious state. Oh, and lest I should forget....26 February is a date to remember. =)