ME-SS-hell.

First, there was This.
Next came That.
After which It followed.
And then, Now.

Mich has been slogging her guts out at work lately -
A stop-gap measure to prevent the cookie from crumbling.
Sleep has proven elusive, if it does find proximity.

Does anyone have a life buoy in tow?

*sigh*

Of Mine -

An old favourite -

Because my mouth is wide with laughter
And my throat is deep with song,
You do not think I suffer after
I have held my pain so long?

Because my mouth is wide with laughter,
You do not hear my inner cry?
Because my feet are gay with dancing,
You do not know I die?

Minstrel Man - Langston Hughes

有一种想见不敢见的伤痛.

Just Trust God.

Today's one of those days when I need divine intervention. It's been 5 weeks since I've stepped into the church hall. Each week, I'd find an excuse not to turn up.

I was hurt, abandoned and bitter. I wondered why God allowed the vicious cycle to ensue. Embroiled with nothing but pure resentment, I was bitter that despite my determination and success at tucking It away after my trip, God permitted the relentless pursuit. When pickets failed to keep It out, I let my guard down and received nothing in return but a backlash.

I told God that my life wasn't a circus. Coincidences occurred too frequently between us to be rendered anything but a part of God's plan, or as the carnal man would put it, our destiny. Was it part of Your plan to break me, God? I questioned, flabbergasted at the fatality of the move. This was the One thing that was important to me. Having had my life chipped away slowly, could God not spare this last thing that I held close to my heart? If it wasn't meant to be, then why did God allow the pieces to fall in place within these years? What was the purpose of having happiness, only to have it ebb with the tide when the time came? Why did a word matter, a smile reassured and a touch comforted? Seeds were sown and the harvest reaped was that which did not quite tally with the efforts invested.

The Story of the Untold was not one of advocated glory. Was I the dirty little secret or did it matter in the first place? Echoed sentiments of neglect, woe and poignance welted with sheer intensity. The canvas had manifested a myriad worthy of admiration, if only the dots were joined. Why did God, having presented the palette, forgotten to add the nondescript paintbrush?

Convinced that I was robbed of my opportunity, ruminations of regret drew me away from the divine threshold. Healing could not take place when established links were omnipresent.

Today, I read this rather interesting letter by Dawson MacAllister -

You're caught up in three devastating feelings: hurt, abandonment, and doubt.

It can't be easy to be abandoned or to go through all the devastation and pain that comes with losing someone you love.

And there's one thing very certain about what's happening in your life right now. It will change you. For better or for worse, it will change you. During difficult times, you either get stronger in your relationship with Christ or you get weaker. You never stay the same.

But in the middle of such agony and pain, it's hard to see things clearly. It may even be difficult to see God's love. I think about Job, a man in the Old Testament who went through difficult times. He lost his whole family, virtually everything he owned, and went through sickness. He felt like you do now.

Look at what Job said during his difficult times:

If I go to the east, God is not there; if I go to the west, I do not see Him. When He is at work in the north, I catch no sight of Him; when He turns to the south, I cannot see Him (Job 23:8-9).

And I want you to understand, exactly what Job later understood: That no matter what you feel or what happens, God does exist and He deeply loves you. No matter how awful things become, no matter what happens, we can never be separated from God's love.

Scene from God's Story

But you are right. People will let us down even at some of the most critical and difficult times. Jesus learned this the hard way. When He was arrested—for no crime at all—and was about to be killed on a cross, all His disciples, His closest friends, ran away. They left Him at His darkest hour.

When people fail you, though, that doesn't mean that God forgets you. He doesn't. He has a plan for you. So even in the middle of all your heartbreak, tell God. “I'm going to hold on and wait for You to show me Your kindness and Your love, no matter what happens.”

I want you to be able to say what the Psalmist said in Psalm 27:14,

Wait for the Lord's help. Be strong and brave, and wait for the Lord's help.

If you do that, I know what will happen. You will come out of all the pain and be a much stronger person. You will say what Job said:

But God knows the way that I take, and when He tested me. I will come out like gold (Job 23:10).

So hang on, Mich, I know you can make it. You will be happy.
Just trust God.

She's Making A List & Checking It Twice.

• under the weather
• sick - a noun of intrinsic incapacitation
• overdosage, the hapless resultant
• unconditioned reflex in the guise of retching disgorgement
  
• canal bleeding, that of the ear
• pain renders its faithful administration.
  

Mich isn't feeling too good.

Not a single bit.
Not at all.

Flickr This.

If you're a Flickr nut like me, you'd want to browse through this page. While I was familiar with FlickrLeech, Tabblo, FlickrMud and FlickrFriends, I learnt a couple of new ideas here. Enjoy!

After...

...being awake for more than 60 hours
...a 45-minute walk
...having 18 Murphy situations yesterday (yes, a list was made.)
...countless nights of bitter tears at 3am

Mich has decided.

She will be Happy.

Because.

She is Loved.

By the One.

So, Honk if you're happy like Mich! =)

不问.

如果他总为别人撑伞
你何苦非为他等在雨中?

-- 梁静茹

Oh, What A Play.

(Protagonist)

I Can.

And I Will.

Till Then.

Grit.

(Draws Curtains - Backstage)

Sobs.

Of Os and Ps.

14 July 2007
Saturday

Saturday could be surmised in a single word - Busy! By 11am, I was out in a jiffy and only stepped foot into my home at dawn.

Day :



When Ai Li gave me a buzz with free tickets to Harry Potter at Vivocity, little did I know what was in store.

Carl's Junior was our meeting point. Before my teeth could sink into the succulent beef patty, in waltzed a lady who indulged in some casual banter, punctuating her sentences with bright beams. It was only after some time did she take her leave. Bearing some semblance to Ai Li, my initial impression of her identity was that of Ai Li's cousin or relative.

Boy. Was. I. Wrong.

In between bites, Ai Li casually mentioned that the nice lady was the Permanent Secretary of MOE.

Gulp.

Proceeding to the cinema, I was pleasantly surprised to learn that we had the privilege of watching the movie in the Gold Class theatre. What Ai Li had failed to warn me was the presence of a gazillion fellow journalists mingling in the lounge area prior to the screening of the movie.

I ought to have known. After all, Ai Li is a key journalist at the Straits Times. (note: mentioned being possesses an incredible level of critical thinking and wields a scholarship from the London School of Economics.)

Social butterfly mode was in effect.

The movie per se was a tad too long for its own good, with its plot begging for an ounce of justification in return for the media hype, which was ironic as Ai Li and the journalists shared this view.

Thereafter, we tarried at PageOne before parting ways and I was off to meet Vern & Ting.

Night:


On our way to dbl O


Shots with Melvin & Kelvin at dbl O

At Wisma Atria, a young Thai tourist fainted at my feet. Straddling her pale body, her husband was wrought with panic. This was when the apathy of Singaporeans irked me as numerous stares were thrown in our direction but none offered to help. A lady even stepped forward to ask, "Is she your friend?" before walking away after learning that I was a mere stranger to the foreigners. What cheek! Vern & I helped with the Thai lady's belongings and ensured that she was in a ventilated area as her husband called for an ambulance with quivering hands. Grateful, he clasped his hands and muttered his thanks in his heavily-accented English.

Next, while waiting for Ting to arrive at 10pm, Vern & I spent 2 hours at Sakae Sushi because Starbucks was packed, CoffeeClub was alfresco and NYDC was not my prime choice. Plates of Ni Hotate (smoked scallops) and cups of tea enabled us to wheedle the time away.

Thereafter, it was time for dinner. It was then did Vern realise she had left her identity card at home and her NUS matriculation card for her PhD did little to verify her age if the need arose. My attempts at dissuading the unnecessary additional expense of a round trip by cab proved to be futile. The cost of retrieving her IC from home and tottering back to Orchard again was $21.

By then, Ting was on her way to meet us. My growling tummy was begging for crayfish noodles and we had another round of edibles.

Mangled in verbal twists, we had to tear ourselves away from idle chatter and headed towards dbl O. There, nostalgia wafted the air as Mambo junkies were displaying their wares on Retro night. It took a while for me to recall those juvenile moves we'd enjoyed in the past!

A couple of lychee martinis later, we slipped into a good spot on the dance floor. A young man in black sidled up behind me with his buddies in tow and asked if I was alone. "Girls' night out?" wasn't exactly the best pick-up line and soon, they disappeared into the crowd.

A group of males decked in white shirts cornered us while the music went on for about an hour. Two Ah Bengs tried their luck with Ting by trying to get her number and offering her a jug of housepour.

Protective of the youngest in our trio and utterly bushed, Vern & I had enough of the dance floor at 3am. My quiet sips with 4 shots of Sex on The Beach proved to be idyllic till two males walked towards our table. Melvin was the confident one of the pair, while Kelvin merely nodded in accordance to Melvin's verbal precipitations. Melvin failed to convince me of his "sincerity in being friends" and after persuasion failed, he walked away with Kelvin.

For some reason, the bartender decided to jump on the bandwagon and tried to introduce himself. To this, I gave him a wry grin and playfully noted that banter indicated friendly relations at the very least. We had a whale of a time exchanging verbal barbs with the poor bartender who took it all in his stride. He was good fun!

A fight broke out at the neighbouring table and a chair was smashed before the bouncers escorted the culprit of the club with deft efficiency. I was impressed by the fact that his departure was on his own accord. Great work, guys!

Melvin & Kelvin reappeared out of nowhere. This time, Melvin pleaded repeatedly for my number, failing which he resorted to retrieving my email address. Thankfully, it was closing time and we went for supper. Thinking we had shaken them off, we gasped as Ting caught sight of them seated in the distance and I spotted the two Bengs who had tried to hit on Ting earlier.

More banter ensued as we chewed. I took no notice of the time till I was home.

And all this while, I never stopped thinking of You.
Wondering if there was a moment
When You'd have thought of me too?

Hug.

我可以抱你吗爱人
Can I hug you, my Love?
让我在你肩膀哭泣
Give me a shoulder to cry on.
如果今天我们就要分离
If we have to part today,
让我痛快的哭出声音
Let me sob to my heart's content.
我可以抱你吗宝贝
Can I hug you, my Dear?
容我最后一次这样叫你
Allow me to address you with this salutation for the last time.
你也不得已
There is but little choice.
我会笑笑的离去
I will smile and take my leave.

Hug?

Say Not the Struggle Naught Availeth

SAY not the struggle naught availeth,
The labor and the wounds are vain,
The enemy faints not, nor faileth,
And as things have been they remain.

If hopes were dupes, fears may be liars;
It may be, in yon smoke concealed,
Your comrades chase e'en now the fliers,
And, but for you, possess the field.

For while the tired waves, vainly breaking,
Seem here, no painful inch to gain,
Far back, through creeks and inlets making,
Comes silent, flooding in, the main.

And not by eastern windows only,
When daylight comes, comes in the light,
In front, the sun climbs slow, how slowly,
But westward, look, the land is bright.

-- Arthur Hugh Clough

I miss You.
So much.

Conviction.

I don't need strength.

I just need to stop hurting.

A Bursting Memory Closet.

Dick Lee - Orchard Boulevard

the sudden storm evokes a memory
one rainy night, a man stands under a tree.
he's cursing, swearing for not staying in
and she appears from nowhere, soaked to the skin.

There are no taxis in sight.
it looks as if they will be there half a night.
then, lightning lights up the sky
she runs across to him - and stops -
and she smiles.

somewhere on orchard boulevard
someone stole his heart
sometime ago
somewhere on orchard boulevard
someone needs to find the love that started from there.

the night is slowly turning into day
and all the thunderclouds have rained away
they sit along the kerb and talk like friends.
until one silent moment, then he takes her hand

there in the light of the dawn
two people know a special love is born
then as a cab goes along,
they kiss - she says a soft goodbye
then she's gone.

Logical Behaviorism

To cheer myself up, I got myself these cognitive fodder:



Eschewing under the umbrella of metaphysics with Thinking Through Philosophy, an epiphany came in the form of Popper's Induction via the hypothetico-deductive method:

1. Put forward a hypothesis (H).
2. Deduce a consequence (C) of this hypothesis.
3. Through experiment and observation, see if C occurs.
4. If C does not occur, then H must be false, so a new hypothesis is needed.
5. If C does occur, then H is corroborated to some extent. To further corrorborate it, one should deduce further consequences and repeat step 3.

Through the justification of knowledge, normative epistemology provides a paradigmatic platform of certainty concerned with an 'ought' question.

In turn, consciousness is heightened. The thesis of intentionality concentrates our attention of things we are conscious of, albeit roping in the phenomenology of how things appear to us.

" Consciousness is what I is not,
and is not what it is. "

Well said, Jean-Paul Sartre.
Well said indeed.

In That Last Dance of Chances

Concerned calls from Melbourne & Sydney.
5-6 hours of comforting chats in Singapore.
Text messages fly fast and furious.

Those who care.
Those who bother.

Why does it not drown what I feel?

In that last dance of chances
I shall partner you no more.
I shall watch another turn you
As you move across the floor.

In that last dance of chances
When I bid your life goodbye
I will hope she treats you kindly
I will hope you learn to fly.

In that last dance of chances
When I know you'll not be mine
I will let you go with longing
And the hope that you'll be fine.

In that last dance of chances
We shall know each others minds.
We shall part with our regrets
When the tie no longer binds.

- Robin Hobb, "Fool's Fate"

Steps Retraced.

Hitting a raw nerve, this song had me sobbing uncontrollably.

It led me to memories of my father and the validation I sought from You in the void thereafter.

Do You know how important You were to me?

Unknown to You, I'd sacrificed much during this period. Smiles and giggles shrouded the turmoil known only to myself. It didn't mean that things weren't happening just because I didn't voice them. It didn't matter that some skimmed the surface and passed their judgements while others urged me to let it go. It didn't matter that people could not understand or were clouded by the frivolous issues I'd dished out to blanket the truth. I thought my safe haven was in You.

Then, it dropped.

I did not have my father's love.
Neither did I have Yours.

I will be silent, but it doesn't mean that I will forget.

Crying is an outpouring of helpless anguish, knowing that the source of pain will never know nor witness the flow of one's despair,thus filling the empty labyrinth within. -- Mich

Luther Vandross - Dance With My Father

Back when I was a child
Before life removed all the innocence
My father would lift me high
And dance with my mother and me and then

Spin me around till I fell asleep
Then up the stairs he would carry me
And I knew for sure
I was loved

If I could get another chance
Another walk, another dance with him
I’d play a song that would never, ever end
How I’d love, love, love to dance with my father again

When I and my mother would disagree
To get my way I would run from her to him
He’d make me laugh just to comfort me,
Then finally make me do just what my mama said

Later that night when I was asleep
He left a dollar under my sheet
Never dreamed that he
Would be gone from me

If I could steal one final glance
One final step, one final dance with him
I’d play a song that would never, ever end
Coz I’d love, love, love to dance with my father again

Sometimes I’d listen outside her door
And I’d hear her, mama crying for him
I pray for her even more than me
I pray for her even more than me

I know I’m praying for much too much
But could You send back the only man she loved
I know You don’t do it usually
But Lord, she’s dying to dance with my father again
Every night I fall asleep
And this is all I ever dream

Tinkering.

Best Days - Matt White
Do you believe in love at first sight?
I think you do.
We're hanging out with one another.
Those are the best days of my life.

Avril Lavigne - Fall To Pieces
And I don't want to fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it
Coz I'm in Love With you

Crash Poets - Goodbye
I turned left - but you turned right
Only one-way roads on this stretch of life
We can't back up or turn back time
Out of sight - not out of mind
You made a choice
So wave goodbye
I'm not turning back.

I think about you everyday (goodbye)
On ragged roads to better days (goodbye)
I see your picture in my head (goodbye)
I think I'll miss you
But you'll never see me again

Your letter said - You found your place
Somewhere else, with another face
Written words like razor blades
Slashing all my hope away
I'd bleed to death from paper cuts
But the road is calling me

Corrinne May - If You Didn't Love Me
You and I walk beside each other day after day
But there's so much inside me, I never get to say
My life would be so empty
With nothing left to feel
If you didn't love me
If you didn't love me

Vertical Horizon - Best I Ever Had
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't need me back
You're just the best I ever had

And it may take some time to
Patch me up inside
But I can't take it so I
Run away and hide
And I may find in time that
You were always right
You're always right

So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning...