That Which I Do Not Understand.

A flurry of questions plague my mind.

But I am not dwelling on them.

For if I should, then another year would go by without a pivotal change in my life.

I'm not saying that it is easy;
it isn't.

I'm not saying that feelings can be quelled and snuffed at will;
they can't.

Now, here's my beef on the issue at hand :

The looming why that threatens to exhaust my existence, if not for sheer willpower.

1. Why did You mark the most significant day of my life and sweep me off my feet when we finally met again after I'd avoided You all these years?
2. Why are You holding onto things of the past like I am holding onto those from You?
3. Why did You bring me much joy thereafter just before You left?
4. Why did You keep Your promise that night but I missed it and thereafter, I ran in circles for nought?

Was it Your way of saying Goodbye to me -

to leave me with the best of memories before You took flight?

Had those weeks not transpired; 

Had we met and remained cordial with nary a trace of those weeks, 

then I'd have long abandoned any lingering notions.

You took to the floor with a familiar dance of chance before it was abruptly disrupted and I was thrown into disarray.

This tumultuous extremities of the continuum left me broken once more.

Let's not insult each other by saying that it was all for good old doe-eyed friendship.

I would love a dose of Honesty, after all these years.

What was going through Your mind that very night?

The night that I'd tried to salvage in vain after missing it?

I guess I'd never know.

A Can Of Worms.

None of this would have happened had this blog not existed.

Hurt? Yes.

Honesty was never our policy.

Why did I even think that it would make a difference?

No time to be stupid now.

I'm blogging in the cab.

Yes, I'm on the go.

It's back to the grind.

Focus, Mich.

Do not fritter away yet another year on _____.

Make it count.

2013.

Make it count, Mich.

Forward! =)

Up, Up and Away!

3 weeks.

That was how long I'd shunned The Place.

As luck would have it, the familial (nope, not a typo there) faces greeted me just as I strode in.

I'd go into hiding to recover occasionally but I'd not give up God for You.

This is The Place where I'd grown up;

my comfort and shelter;

my refuge in time of need.

There are memories forged way before our paths crossed;

Of faces now weathered,

Of smiles and joy.

You cannot take these away from me.

They're mine for keeps.

Amen.

Dear God, Thank You for This Christmas. =)

Dear God,

Thank You for everything today.

A perfect way to mark the birth of Jesus Christ, You've given me not just Happiness, but Joy today.

Prior to it, I'd asked for the improbable, for this to swing across the end of the continuum & morph into that.

Two distinct personalities with different qualities and yet, dear God, You've given me the best Christmas gift I could ever have.

So undeserving.

So unmerited.

Yet, You've given freely.

Thank You, God. =)

Dear God, Thank You for This Christmas. =)

Dear God,

Thank You for everything today.

A perfect way to mark the birth of Jesus Christ, You've given me not just Happiness, but Joy today.

Prior to it, I'd asked for the improbable, for this to swing across the end of the continuum & morph into that.

Two distinct personalities with different qualities and yet, dear God, You've given me the best Christmas gift I could ever have.

So undeserving.

So unmerited.

Yet, You've given freely.

Thank You, God. =)

A Wonderful Christmas Surprise! =)

I'm astounded.

He'd booked a couple of places and I was spoilt for choice.

Aquamarine?
Nah. Been there, done that.
Besides, an impending gathering will probably be held there.

7Adam?
That was where he'd surprised me for my birthday celebration, so there goes the novelty factor.

The Cliff at Beaufort, Sentosa?
Y-E-S.
Great ambience aside, the food was absolutely heavenly. How else to wash down good food except with some rosé?

It was a tad pricey at $430 but it was well worth the gastronomical experience.

What counts is not the moolah shelled nor the posh structures.

It's the effort to surprise Mich yet again, barely a month after her birthday.

Mich has snapped out of her stupidity.

For now.

Merry Christmas.

Thank You, My Man. :))

The Pantomime.

To conceal is to hide,
A set of rules to abide.
Where the night shall be the day,
Forbidden to join in the fray.

So her silence she must hold,
Not to move till she is told.
Huddle close, my little one.
Let's wait here for the morning sun.

Truth be told, she knows it all.
From the pedestal to fall,
Plunge she must and plunge she will,
In line with this familiar drill.

Sketches of the shifting sands
Hasten forth to make amends.
So upon this curvature,
It is fraught with inertia.

Shall the shroud thus be pristine?
The truth to gloss over and glean.
A set of rules to abide,
To conceal is to hide.

~ Mich

Because.

就算没有结果,我也能够承受.
Rationale indicates that it is sheer folly,
Yet, I consciously choose to do so.

既然不能回头了，
既然那晚把一切放在你手中，
既然我俩都没有选者逃避，
既然你说你一定会实现诺言，

那...就这样吧。
我很傻吧？

Pardon the jumble of languages here.
The amygdala is cluttered at the moment.

"也许你已经放弃我
也许已经很难回头
我知道是自己错过
请再给我一个理由.....

请你回头
我会陪你一直走到最后

就算没有结果
我也能够承受...

如果要走
请你记得我."

~ Jay Chou, 借口

Defence.

I know.
But I choose to keep it all within
And pretend that I don't.

Normative Perceptions.

Space constraints skew our perception of time.

Or so, I think, for that certainly holds true for me.

In a field far-flung from the bustle of city life, Time has little bearing on the hues of the day.

Juxtapose this against fixed parameters - guilty structures that duct tape your subconscious onto each canvas. A stationary posture carves each hour by the chunk.

Befuddled?

Dreadfully so, I'm afraid.

Dreadfully so.

Goodbye, Daniel. =)

And so, it's off to the US for your masters.
15 months of diligent work clusters.

Remember me, just as I will remember you.
Enjoy your journey of imaginings anew.

:: Happy Studying! ::

Loose Ends.

Letting go is perhaps the best option.

Puffed Imaginings.

Ocean, Sky, Stars and You
by muddymelly, DeviantArt

A Sprinkling of Stars

The familiar nonchalance preens and perfection gleens. This modus operandi has served me well. Till now. I cannot pretend that I do not care. I cannot walk away without knowing. The moon is not what I seek, for I know it is far beyond my grasp. But a sprinkling of stars, perhaps?

一切。

我把过去的一切放在你手中，说我害怕这将会导致你逃之夭夭。

你答应我说你不会消失。
我望着你，说我害怕你会。

你说在我下个生日，你会带我去航海，之后“穷”到要喂我吃两片面包。
我傻傻地相信，也傻傻地笑了。

那晚的情节一再而三地出现在我脑海中。

心里充满着困扰、挣扎与无奈。

你说的都是真的吗？

还是我一直都只是一个玩偶？

Henceforth.

“The sorrows for the appointed feasts
I will remove from you;

they are a burden and a reproach to you.

At that time I will deal with all who oppressed you...

At that time I will gather you;

at that time I will bring you home.

I will give you honor and praise
among all the peoples of the earth

when I restore your fortunes
before your very eyes,”

says the Lord.

~ Zephaniah 3:18-20

Wobble.

我，
是谁？
是什么？

自我反省，
自我毁灭,
自我牺牲,
自我摧残,
自我检讨,
自我改造...

一切都由 “我” 开始。

那么，“我” 为何却下不了手？

是不是因为付出了太多？
是不是因为不甘心把十八年的欲望给摧毁？
是不是因为辛辛苦苦等了八年？

还是，是不是害怕失去了倒影，就找不回自己？

船到桥头自然直。

我，竟然哭了。

Weep Not.

I will remember You.
Will You remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by,
Weep not for the memories.

~ Sarah McLachlan

Newspaper.

"It's like a Christmas present.

You keep thinking there's something there in a big box, but the truth is there is nothing but newspapers and that there will always be nothing but newspaper.

But since it is nicely wrapped every year and a party is thrown thereafter, bringing you much joy and laughter as you dance and twirl, you just get excited anticipating it."

~ Friend Kr

Imperatives.

Kr & I had a long talk.

Thankfully, he's back from Shanghai/Hong Kong at the right time and we chatted right after he'd landed.

I shall not delve into details for they are far too long & complicated to define.

But the analogies & inferences laid out have jostled me out of my fantasy.

Reality cuts, wrenches and leaves a gaping wound.

With it, my eyes overflowed with hurts & regrets.

Thank you, Kr.

You're been one of my strongest pillars.

And I should do what I ought to do.

For You.

I've feelings too.

Can You tell me - where do we go from here?

It's been the Happiest Month of my life.

I thank You for leaving me with beautiful memories within these few weeks that only You can forge and imprint.

A dance of chance -

Everything that I'd hoped for within these eight years have transpired into reality.

Yet, many a trickle has fallen.

I will wait, if only You'd just say.

A word,

Before You leave.

Playfair.

There are only so many times that you can pound on a cookie before it eventually crumbles.

明明就。

I'm utterly hooked onto this dollop from Jay Chou's 12th album :

“深怕为爱守着秘密，
我却为你守着回忆

明明就不习惯牵手
为何却主动把手勾？
你的心事太多，
我不会说破 ....”

Self-Castigation : What Have I Done?

What have I done?
Was it Wisdom or Folly?

十二月十一日
这将是我最快乐的一天。也可能是我生命中的句号。

就在那毫无起眼的一举一动中，找到我所珍惜的安定与幸福。

不需要在很高级的餐馆，也不必刻意地去制造画面。

一起去选东西也是最大的幸福，应为这显示生活中的点点滴滴都有我的纯在。

你试着各种衣服走秀弄我傻笑了一场。买了你要的电器，"烦躁"了店员因为你拒绝了他所有的赠品，而最终“无奈”地接受了真是太可爱了，使我俩狂笑了一场。转眼间，白天很快地便成了黑夜。

觉得最幸福的是，你一直向往着我，增求我的意见，让我觉得有所定位。就是在这一天，靠着你的肩膀给我安全感。

既然很幸福，为何决定把一切豁出去？

既然能守着八年的沉默，为何选者在最幸福的日子把一切抖出来？

你站在我的面前，望着我的眼睛，答应我不会消失匿迹，但我对你说我还是害怕即将失去这一切，害怕你会在未来的日子里掉头而跑。你一再而三地答应我，我也只能希望是如此。

没有任何的要求或奢望，只要快乐就好。

“天天快乐” － 这是我梦寐以求的希望。

好傻吧？

Evidently So. (明明就)

A timely launch. How apt.
It marks the events that have transpired a day earlier.
If only this does not translate into reality.
Erstwhile, all one can do is to Wait.
And Hope.
12.12.12.
Jay Chou's 12th Album, 十二新作
《明明就》 糖果罐里好多颜色
Kaleidoscopic hues dot the candy jar
微笑却不甜了
Yet the sweet smiles have waned.
你的某些快乐
The bouts of happiness that you have
在没有我的时刻
Are moments without me.

从故事记的城市里
As memories weave a story,
我想就走到这
I guess this marks my final steps.
海鸥不再眷恋大海
The seagull shall no longer yearn for the sea.
可以飞更远
It can now take flight and cover greater distances.

远方传来风笛
In the distance, a flute can be heard.
我却在意有你的消息
But all that's on my mind is a word from You.
深怕为爱守着秘密
Fear has kept my love a secret,
而我为你守着回忆
While I've held onto the memories for You.

明明就不习惯牵手
Evidently, these hands are strangers to another.
为何却主动把手勾
Yet, why did one invariably rest upon the other?
你的心事太多我不会说破
There's much on Your mind; I won't give You away.

明明就她比较温柔
Evidently, she has her gentle ways
也许她能给你更多
Perhaps she can give You more than I ever will.
不用抉择我会自动变朋友
Let the dilemma be resolved. I shall retreat and be Your friend.

From The Inside Out

While helping a friend to scourge around, I dug up a forgotten tune.

How timely.

How apt.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iALv9vR2DTI&feature=youtube_gdata_player

E.

Just as I posted the previous entry, my phone lit up.

It was him, with a simple prayer as if on cue.

The impeccable timing had me gaping.

In times of anguish, E has always been there to cheer me on in good faith.

Thank You, God, for this wonderful friend I've had since childhood;

For someone whom I place implicit trust in, for he is deeply rooted in Your Word.

Thank You for being there, E.  =)

Once Again.

It's funny how Google churns unprecedented results when one strings a bunch of random words.

28 million views.
Of a song that has not whirled within. 
By a group that I was unfamiliar with.

Yet, those guitar riffs struck a chord and the cumbent scrawls flogged against my writhing state of mind.

While the warble faded, woe let slip its prosaic secret.

As always.


A lonely road, crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I love, purpose hard to find
While I recall all the words you spoke to me
Can't help but wish that I was there
Back where I'd love to be.

Dear God the only thing I ask of You is
to hold her when I'm not around,
when I'm much too far away.
We all need that person who can be true to you
But I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
’Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again, oh no
Once again.

There's nothing here for me on this barren road
There's no one here while the city sleeps
and all the shops are closed.
Can't help but think of the times I've had with you
Pictures and some memories will have to help me through.

Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
to hold her when I'm not around,
when I'm much too far away.
We all need that person who can be true to you.
I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
’Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again, oh no
Once again

Some search, never finding a way
Before long, they waste away
I found you, something told me to stay
I gave in, to selfish ways
And how I miss someone to hold
when hope begins to fade.

A lonely road, crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I love, purpose hard to find

Dear God, the only thing I ask of you is
to hold her when I'm not around,
when I'm much too far away
We all need the person who can be true to you
I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
’Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again, oh no
Once again.

~ Avenged Sevenfold, Dear God

The Place

I'm reaching for Your heart.
You hold my life in Your hands.
Drawing me closer to You,
I feel Your power renew.

Nothing compares to this Place
Where I can see You face to face...

~ City Harvest

The placid disposition.

The spiritual and literal connotations.

A ribbon of reality at The Place.

The Place where I grew up;

The Place which is my refuge and pain all at once.

憔悴

“ 如果失去还能再拥有，
不管期待多少年。”

～ 苏有朋，等到那一天

Shards Aplenty.

Dear God,

The Boy I want is the Boy I cannot have.

Yet The Boy is the one who has made me very Happy.

Take these fragments, Lord, for the soul is weathered beyond recognition.

Make me whole again.

To be Happy.

To be Blessed.

To Bless Others.

In Jesus' Name I Pray,
Amen.

Eggshells & Broken Dreams.

Treading on eggshells.

- crack -

On some days, I wish You were here like before.

Well, You are still around but the years have left their scars.

The late night messages, the sweet words, the *hugs*, the ....

If only Fear hadn't gotten the better of me - I couldn't and wouldn't believe that The Dream had transpired in reality.

I would have chosen You.

But I let You drift away and hoped that You would paddle back.

This is, and will be, the only Regret in my life.

There are nights like this when I beat myself up inside for this crucial meandering.

Erstwhile, FORWARD must I trudge.

Forward.

How Now, Brown Cow?

It's funny how everything fades into the distance whenever this is spun.

What did I say? What did You do?
How did I fall in love with You?
...Everything's changed, we never knew.
How did I fall in love with You?

~ Backstreet Boys, How Did I Fall in Love with You