'...and You let her go.'

(1) Talk is cheap.
If you like me, tell me.
If you miss me, show me.
If you love me, prove it.

(2) 'Don't you ever say
I just walked away
I will always want you.

All I ever wanted was to break your walls
...I just closed my eyes and swung...'

~ Miley Cyrus, Wrecking Ball

(3) 'Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
Coz you loved her too much and you dive too deep

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go

And You let her go'

~ Passenger, Let Her Go

Then, You reached out and Liked it.

Burying my face in my hands, I wept bitterly.

I miss You, too.

But I have to go.

I must.

Not for Nought.

Wheedle nought to make amends.

Yes, I cried when I read Your scrawls of a similar fashion a while ago.

Words cleverly weaved that I'd sieved instantly.

Why? Why now?

You broke me when You left without The Call in December 2012.

Did You know how upset I was?

There was I, clutching my phone in my hand and reading the message you'd sent hours after we'd parted ways at 2 AM, "Are you still awake? Want me to call you?" and muttering to myself that the phone would ring.

I missed it and only replied at 2.30AM. I rushed to the pool and waited in the cold till 4AM before trudging back to my abode.

Do You know why I'd missed your text?

I was bawling for I was convinced that I'd lost You after parting ways with you at 8PM.

• I told myself that when You promised You wouldn't disappear, I would take it to be the reverse, that I'd never see You again.

• You said that You'd bring the lil tank I'd crafted and pack the medicine with You despite your limited luggage space. I told myself that You were being polite and not to take it literally.

• When I laughed and teased You on how to outdo yourself for my next Birthday, perhaps on Your ship, You replied in jest that a river cruise would be more permissible but You'd be broke and feast on kaya toast thereafter. I told myself not to be stupid and take it as a tangible promise.

So yes, that was why I was bawling and did not notice Your text.

And You never gave me The Call that would have answered everything.

All I wanted was a tangible word,

One which I'd traded 9 years for, albeit in vain.

I was willing to be shrouded in secrecy, to turn a blind eye because I knew that it would not be for long.

Dear You, I know that the night of Devonshire in 2005 marked the pivotal change. I know that it was MY FAULT that I'd let You down with _____.

If You've been struggling with pain ever since, know that it is far worse on my end, for You were the Boy that I'd finally known after a decade of excessive shyness on my end but never did I expect it yet another decade would transpire with us in this mangled mess.

I'd rather attribute Everything to sheer Coincidence than to live with yet another day of hope, that perhaps It would be Tomorrow.

3000+ Tomorrows over a span of 9 years.

And still, You would not say.

Let that be Enough.

"Dainty lashes of each to preen,
Reflecting that which could have been."

6 Minutes.

Yet another Coincidence.

This time, it's 6 minutes apart.

It's beginning to feel like birth pangs.

Dear You, what is Your Purpose?

I gave You 9 whole years.

More importantly, I gave you my youth. I can never have that back.

I would love to live each day in Happiness.

If You would not say,

Then let me walk away.

Suppose...

Hello, my dear reader(s)!

Wherever you may be on the globe, let me share a song that inebriates my subconscious whenever I am sad. Perhaps it will be your earworm henceforth. Beautifully crafted, the only tangible measure of its context is the extent to which your keyboard is soaked by the time you get to the end.

When one draws a sword, bloodshed is expected. When two bear arms, it invariably results in casualties. The pilferage is consequential to none but those involved.

It cuts & works both ways, ifyou You get what I mean.


Suppose I call you up tonight,
And told you that I love you.
And suppose I said I wanna come back home.
And suppose I cried and said I think I finally learnt my lesson,
And I'm tired of spending all my time alone.

If I told you that I realised you're all I ever wanted,
And it's killing me to be so far away.
Would you tell me that you love me too?
And would we cry together?
Or would you simply laugh at me and say,

"I told you so. I told you so.
I told you someday you'd come crawling back
And asking me to take you in.
I told you so, but you had to go.
Now I've finally found someone new
And you would never break my heart in two again."

If I got down on my knees and told you I was yours forever,
Would you get down on yours too and take my hand?
Would we get that old time feeling?
Would we laugh and talk for hours,
The way we did when our love first began?

Would you tell me that you've missed me too
And that you've been so lonely?
And you've waited for the day that I'd return?
And we'd live and love forever
And that I'm your one and only
Would you say that the tables finally turn?


Would you say,
"I told you so. I told you so.
I told you someday you'd come crawling back
And asking me to take you in.
I told you so, but you had to go.
Now I've finally found someone new
And you would never break my heart in two again."

Word.

Who would put everything on hold for a single word?

9 years of everything but a verbal affirmation.

For reasons known only to Yourself, You just wouldn't say.

Circumstances are but excuses.

Friends don't understand why that singular syllable held such significance.

"You know the Answer."
"You know he does."
"Do you really need an answer when it's so obvious?"
"Why are you denying that it's a huge yes?"

These are but speculation.

2579832159022370021690 gestures on your part could light up the entire Earth but it would not suffice.

Until it is articulated by You, nothing holds true.

But I do not want to subject myself to anymore tears while awaiting the monosyllable and so, I've turned tail and fled, abandoning my heart in the process.

I've given You 9 years,

You've given me all but the 1 word I'd been waiting for.

Poignance weaves a sad smile and lays its heart to rest.

Noteworthy.

I saw it.

Why?

I no longer want to ask myself that question that has plagued me all these years.

If You'd wanted me, You'd have stopped me.

If I'd meant that much to You, You would have said a word.

2005.
2006.
2007.
2008.
2009.
2010.
2011.
2012.
2013.

I've traded 9 years for a burning question that I'd buried within. They said that the answer was clear, that You did. Your actions clearly indicated that You did.

When I tried to nonchalantly claim that it could very well be doe-eyed friendship, I was met with mock admonishment and loads of eye-rolling. "It's been 9 years and you know that both of you are not letting go."

I knew that You knew. You knew that I knew that You knew.

Of course You did.

But we had to pretend that nothing was going on.

You knew I had that on the tip of my tongue just before You left in December 2012.

You knew that as we stood face to face on that very night, it was then that I finally let my guard down. I told You I was afraid that You'd disappear henceforth but You laughed and promised that You wouldn't.

I missed Your text when You asked if I were still awake at 2am and if that You should call me. I replied half an hour later and waited by the pool for the call that never came.

I was crushed.

Up till that point, I could accept that I was to be hidden. I knew that IT would not last because You were still hanging onto me, albeit shrouded in secrecy.

Yet, You left without THE call.

I cannot allow my scabs to be picked on constantly, or I'd never heal.

I am as strong as my mind wants to be.

It is up to ME to change my life.

So dear You, I love You very much.

Minutes ago, I saw what You'd written in the note & I wept bitterly.

Why?

I gave You 9 years but 'twas in vain.

Why now, when I've chosen to let go?

Be It So.

Life was going great.

I was doing fabulously well at work.

I was out every single day with a great work-life balance.

More importantly, I was Happy.

Then, You happened.

Yes, You made me very Happy but along with the bouts of Happiness came a load of tears in private.

A colleague whom I scarcely knew was concerned enough to stop me along the stairway as my "countenance had dimmed."

Now, I am not one to betray emotion to friends, let alone to colleagues. The cheerleader in me always smiles despite the turmoil. It is my survival instinct. I am able to laugh and be exuberant even though I am shattered within.

Yet, her words shook me.

That was 6 years ago.

For some reason, the yellowed pages of my cognition rustled along those lines today.

On the surface,

Life is going great. I am able to enjoy a certain lifestyle and my abode is nestled within a prime district while the coupé is a beauty at $240k.

I am still doing fabulously well at work, with a large-scale international project to be considered.

I try to maintain a work-life balance by strictly adhering to a 5-day work week. The opportunity cost is having to slog till 11pm on weekdays. Occasionally, I waver and Saturday is spent on labouring over scripts and such.

There are days when I am genuinely Happy.

But...the joy of Yesterday has been snuffed.

You.

The tarrying and swinging of the continuum has left me weathered.

If You want me, then man up. Speak forth.

Plying me with nuances and overt gestures all at once is not quite the same as an outright answer.

I'd love to grow old with You and watch the lil ones squeal in delight at the playground.

The quintessential years, 9 to be exact, have been spent on sailing back and forth.

I know it was MY FAULT that ______, which was why I'd apologized to You just before You left. It took me 9 years to summon my courage for that.

Forget my status.

Forget my circumstances.

Forget everything.

And reach deep within,

To the time when we first met,

When our eyes twinkled and You'd send me a barrage of texts be it day or night. We'd find excuses to spend time together or You'd drop by unexpectedly.

Remember the halcyon days of our youth.

If You still hold those memories dearly, You've got to tell me.

I wish You would. That would really make my day to know that these are shared memories.

But if those are silly shades of the past, then let me go.

We're both doers and perfectionists to a fault. Yet, the fact that we're still in each other's lives, that You'd surprised me on my Birthday, that I'm even penning these scrawls is a testament to an awry equilibrium of sorts.

I cannot read Your mind but my heart is an open book.

It is You.

It will always be You.