Easter 2011.

Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you;
He will never let the righteous fall.

[ Psalm 55 : 22 ]

Being Low-Key.

D : Is everything fine? You have been MIA for a long while.
Me : (lying through gritted teeth) Yes. I've just been very busy.

D : Mich, you can't lie to me. You would not cast friends aside for work. Not for more than a month.
Me : Uh, Oh....

(stony silence)

D : I know that you being you, will tell me if you wanted to. So, I won't ask. Whatever it is, I hope to see you soon, Mich. I hope to hear you laugh and get all excited with your giggles again.
Me : Yeah, thanks, D.

Summing up my social activity in March & April, regrettably there's little to share -
1) 1-hr dinner with T.
2) Dinner & movie.
3) Lunch at Ship R3staurant (intentional misnomer to prevent random trolling.)
4) Trotting around Orchard and watching a movie.
5) Church, lunch & dinner with V - with shopping to while the afternoon away.

Soon, my Friends. Soon.

Soon, Mich will crawl out of her shell.

Give Me Time.

好吗?

Caught In The Middle.

Have you ever stabbed yourself in the stomach with the knife in your hand?
For better or worse, it wasn't a steak knife.

As My Gaze Falls Away.

It's been a trying month.

The facade of nonchalance prevails and Silence continues to permeate.

How different things were mere weeks ago -
How I'd looked forward to the Promise;
How You'd surprised me;

Life mocks me for being Daft.

The dreadful alternative presents these fretful fractures.

The charm of fond words vanishes when one repeats them to the Indifferent.

And so, with deliberate detachment on my part, I've lost You.

Intentionally. Again.

Not Once. But Twice.

Things have happened to You the way it has happened to Me.

And yet, I struggle to look the other way.

You must be wondering why that Promise was forged and yet, why have I ceased communication? Why have I chosen to ignore every word & deed undertaken?

I'm keeping You at arm's length for Your sake. For Your safety.

There is no basis for comparison,

Because You are already the very Best.

To Me.

Always.

6 Years ... On This Very Day.

6 years ago, on this day, we connected for the first time.

Hours were frittered daily and I found myself immersed in You. Reasons were concocted to meet me & I basked in that sweetness, albeit short-lived.

Drawing close to You was a mistake, for it has brought us more grief than joy.

Not long after, I broke You. Then, You left for lands far beyond.

When You returned, it continued. We found excuses to meet each other. I'd smile & wrap your windbreaker around me as you insisted that I put it on. You'd adjust the helmet for me coz I could never figure how to get it right. You handed me lil trinkets from the lands that you'd explored.

The next year, You took me to dizzying heights & constantly surprised me or found reasons to show up. Swiftly thereafter, You shattered me in the same way that I'd inflicted pain on You.

I fled from You. A year later, You reappeared and took me to an expensive restaurant, sent me home & said certain things.

The following year, You were to spend Valentine's with me but that fizzled out. Then, You surprised me on X'mas Eve with a gift and an
unexpected meet-up. The klutz in me fumbled just as words were to be spoken & thus, they were never uttered.

In 2010, I made it for You. However, it would come to pass months later that some semblance of normalcy fizzled after a disastrous lunch.

Silly Me thought that 2011was the year of reckoning. 2005 was here again. I was prepared to fight for my happiness & choose You this time, come what may. As I awaited Your return excitedly, things happened. I was a wreck - physically, emotionally & mentally. I had to force myself to keep mum despite the promises. I did not want You to see me in such a sorry state, so I kept my distance.

In a twist of fate, the very incident that has just happened to Me has also struck You.

Today.

On this very day.

6 years after we connected.

Somehow, I can't help but feel that things have come in full circle.

I'm still on the road to recovery with several appointments & coffers due.

My silence wreaks havoc as my lips are coerced in a tight nip and these hands find comfort in contorted grips.

"No, I must not care," I chide myself harshly, blinking away wrought emotions and quelling stirs that should arise.

6 years - How it has rattled my Life

And whittled me to this frail frame.

As if on cue, Life takes the mickey out of Me,

For this very day marks His Birthday.

Coincidence is certainly no stranger to Me. And in tow, in good company, is Irony.

A Battle Won.

::Photograph © Mich::

Where have I been in the last couple of days?

Well, in a matter of just 4 days, Life has done an about-turn.

On Tuesday afternoon, I was crumbling. Physically, I was in tatters and clinging onto Fear. Emotionally drained, I struggled to keep afloat.

By Tuesday evening, a miracle had happened. Imagine having beaten the odds and expediting an issue in a span of TWO days when you were told minutes ago that it would take at least FOUR WEEKS.

Yesterday, I knew I was in good hands.

I don't deserve it but God has been merciful to me. I'm truly Blessed. Who else could have their lives completely changed in a matter of days? I owe it all to God.

Every step of my Life that I take is hinged on the word of God.

Sometimes, it may not be what I want. Occasionally, I'd argue that the circumstances are in my favour, so why should I let it pass? Yet, ultimately, I'd submit to God's word regardless of how I feel.

It is not easy. It is an exercise of Faith and Obedience, much like a child would submit to the authority of his father.

Over the course of two weeks, my Life has undergone turmoil, stress and pain.

By yesterday, I knew that the raging storm had passed.

It was no coincidence that Zephaniah 3 was my Biblical passage of the day.

15 The LORD has taken away your punishment, he has turned back your enemy. The LORD, the King of Israel, is with you; never again will you fear any harm. 16 On that day they will say to Jerusalem, “Do not fear, O Zion; do not let your hands hang limp. 17 The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing. 18 “The sorrows for the appointed feasts I will remove from you; they are a burden and a reproach to you. 19 At that time I will deal with all who oppressed you; I will rescue the lame and gather those who have been scattered. I will give them praise and honor in every land where they were put to shame. 20 At that time I will gather you; at that time I will bring you home. I will give you honor and praise among all the peoples of the earth when I restore your fortunes before your very eyes,” says the LORD.
It is crucial to note that 'restore your fortunes' is not to be taken in the literal sense. It is the restoration of BLESSINGS that no amount of money in the world can buy - of peace, love, joy and hope. It is an ASSURANCE, a promise of things to come.

And that, is the best gift that one can have.

I know that it will come across as being hyperbolic or gibberish to non-believers.

But much like a rollercoaster ride or a dive into the ocean, it is hard to reiterate the exhilaration and adrenalin rush in mere words.

You'll have to experience it for yourself before the context registers any significant meaning and impact.

I have experienced God's Love and the circumstances have been in my favour not through sheer luck nor coincidence, but through God's intervention.

I've crossed the mountains. Now, I've lil streams to pass.

And I have no fear, because I know that God is Here.

God is very real to me,

Because when things appear to be impossible,

God gives Life a little nudge and whispers, "I M POSSIBLE".

6 Billion = Zero

In this world of 6 billion,

It is possible to be Alone.

Isn't it ironic?

Got a problem? Need some help?

Sorry, you're Alone.

Everyone's busy with their cars, homes and oh, life.

What good does it do to share with someone

When it is still your yoke & burden to bear?

I have taken leave, disrupted my work, scurried in the middle of the night, given money & offered shelter to friends in need over my short course of life.

Who would do that for me? Nobody in Singapore, I'm afraid.

Only Sally would be as idealistic & loyal.

And she's in Sydney, so there's no point in telling her anything because it's not fair that she grabs a flight to Singapore just for my sake.

Acquaintances aplenty,

Facebook associates a bunch,

Friends a sprinkle,

Confidantes?

None.

Faith, Not Fear.

Dear God,

In faith, I humble myself & ask for Your mercy & grace.

Sustain me, God.

I present my frail & broken frame to You.

With these shards & splinters,

Take everything & make it whole again.

Make it wholly Thine.

Only You, God, can and WILL work miracles.

I'm a living testimony of Your Goodness & Grace, having beaten all the odds physically & mentally.

I know & believe that this is no exception, God.

I've been blessed when it truly mattered, Father.

Let it be Right.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen.

哭 • 苦 ∙ 枯

含着泪入睡。

A Date To Remember.

April 1, 2011 -

Seared in my memory.

For all that it symbolizes.

All that I am, all that I have
I lay them down before you, oh Lord
All my regrets, all my acclaims
The joy and the pain, I'm making them Yours...

Things in the past, things yet unseen
Wishes and dreams that are yet to come true
All of my hopes, all of my plans
My heart and my hands are lifted to You

[ Don Moen ]

20 Minutes.

Photograph © Mich
April 1, 4.30pm - 4.50pm

Darkness loomed as she stood by the window and craned her neck to watch the clouds scurry by.

Ruminating woefully, she choked, "What do I do now, God? Show me. Help."

In that instant, a strange glow rested upon the land before her.

It appeared that the sun had forcibly elbowed past the grey clouds and ripped the overcast sky apart.

Sunrays darted right above her. As they did so, the threatening flock dissipated.

Vermillion spills clamoured for victory as the land was now cloaked in their opulence.

She knew what it meant. It was no coincidence.

God had spoken.

Then, her eyes fell upon the pages of Hebrews 11 in the Bible.

A singular syllable resonated - FAITH. (27 times, to be exact)
1 Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. 2 This is what the ancients were commended for. 3 By faith, we understand that the universe was formed at God’s command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible. 4 By faith, Abel brought God a better offering than Cain did. By faith he was commended as righteous, when God spoke well of his offerings. And by faith Abel still speaks, even though he is dead. 5 By faith, Enoch was taken from this life, so that he did not experience death: “He could not be found, because God had taken him away.” For before he was taken, he was commended as one who pleased God. 6 And without faith, it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. 7 By faith, Noah, when warned about things not yet seen, in holy fear built an ark to save his family. By his faith he condemned the world and became heir of the righteousness that is in keeping with faith. 8 By faith, Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going. 9 By faith, he made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country; he lived in tents, as did Isaac and Jacob, who were heirs with him of the same promise. 10 For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God. 11 And by faith even Sarah, who was past childbearing age, was enabled to bear children because she considered him faithful who had made the promise. 12 And so from this one man, and he as good as dead, came descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as countless as the sand on the seashore. 13 All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance, admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on earth. 14 People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. 15 If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. 16 Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them. 17 By faith, Abraham, when God tested him, offered Isaac as a sacrifice. He who had embraced the promises was about to sacrifice his one and only son, 18 even though God had said to him, “It is through Isaac that your offspring will be reckoned.” 19 Abraham reasoned that God could even raise the dead, and so in a manner of speaking he did receive Isaac back from death. 20 By faith, Isaac blessed Jacob and Esau in regard to their future. 21 By faith, Jacob, when he was dying, blessed each of Joseph’s sons, and worshiped as he leaned on the top of his staff. 22 By faith, Joseph, when his end was near, spoke about the exodus of the Israelites from Egypt and gave instructions concerning the burial of his bones. 23 By faith, Moses’ parents hid him for three months after he was born, because they saw he was no ordinary child, and they were not afraid of the king’s edict. 24 By faith, Moses, when he had grown up, refused to be known as the son of Pharaoh’s daughter. 25 He chose to be mistreated along with the people of God rather than to enjoy the fleeting pleasures of sin. 26 He regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt, because he was looking ahead to his reward. 27 By faith he left Egypt, not fearing the king’s anger; he persevered because he saw him who is invisible. 28 By faith he kept the Passover and the application of blood, so that the destroyer of the firstborn would not touch the firstborn of Israel. 29 By faith, the people passed through the Red Sea as on dry land; but when the Egyptians tried to do so, they were drowned. 30 By faith, the walls of Jericho fell, after the army had marched around them for seven days. 31 By faith, the prostitute Rahab, because she welcomed the spies, was not killed with those who were disobedient. 32 And what more shall I say? I do not have time to tell about Gideon, Barak, Samson and Jephthah, about David and Samuel and the prophets, 33 who through faith conquered kingdoms, administered justice, and gained what was promised; who shut the mouths of lions, 34 quenched the fury of the flames, and escaped the edge of the sword; whose weakness was turned to strength; and who became powerful in battle and routed foreign armies. 35 Women received back their dead, raised to life again. There were others who were tortured, refusing to be released so that they might gain an even better resurrection. 36 Some faced jeers and flogging, and even chains and imprisonment. 37 They were put to death by stoning; they were sawed in two; they were killed by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated— 38 the world was not worthy of them. They wandered in deserts and mountains, living in caves and in holes in the ground. 39 These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised, 40 since God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect.
And she knew that everything would fall in place.

In its time. In God's time.

Let Go. Let God.

And so, she did.

The World Through My Eyes...

... is a radial blur.

I'm in a lot of pain, literally & figuratively.

The greatest agony is the searing throb which manifests in congruence with my uncontrollable sobs.

This is how the cookie crumbles.

My Life, as it is, may very well be over.

April 1st.

Oh, it's April Fools'!

When the first day of April beckons,

And the Fool knuckles the keyboard.

Self-deprecating humour is something that I'm good at.

The thing is, I'm not laughing.

Zing!

Measuring Happiness With Loins.

Have you noticed that dressy people are Miserable while Happy people are comfortable with their loins?

Looking at my wardrobe (and my previous post), I guess this is true.

After all, I am conscious that clothes are my chosen drapes to conceal deep hurts.

'Hey, nice dress/bag/shoes/whathaveyous!' are compliments that I get frequently.

They make me smile, if only for a while.

For smiles are a rarity when you're Me.

It doesn't stem from the notion of having caught someone's eye with my frivolous choices or that I'm eager to lap up the attention.

Rather, it cements the fact that, at the very least, I've done something right in my life, even if it's down to a pair of shoes or a dress.

I know.

I've quirky thoughts and associations.

But that's me -

Me-Shell.

Some Semblance of Normalcy.

Bagged the accompanying dresses in this post from one of my fave American brands.

All in the comfort of my home. At 4am.

Online shopping is limited to 3 international brands which are also available in Singapore. Therefore, familiarity and quality are assured. (I do not advocate purchasing from local blogshops.)

I'm not exactly in the frivolous mood for shopping but I guess it's my way of self-distraction and perhaps, a means of coping by engaging in a routine for some semblance of normalcy.

Apologies for the verbosity. I tend to ramble.

Anyhow, here are my purchases.

My collages are pretty spiffy too, eh? *slight smile*