Ready, Steady...Go?

Would it be better to be direct with each other instead of relying on what is the purported Ping-Pong on Facebook?

I guess so but fear breeds avoidance. At least on my part.

I don't understand.

This falls squarely on our shoulders.

Maybe I'll weep and you'll be grim.

Maybe the night of Devonshire would transpire once again, when we knew its finality and talked for a long time as each did not want to say goodbye

Maybe it'll hurt us.

But greater is the agony of not knowing how nor why nor if nor when.

That is what festers within.

Let's come clean

And if need be, we'll bury the past together; it'll be closure for us.

If not, let's hop on the ride together.

Let's find a direction for each other.

Let's not pretend that avoidance is for the good of the other party.

Had it worked, 9 years would not have gone by with bouts of disappearing and reappearing acts on both sides.

You promised that You wouldn't disappear in December 2012.

I believed You.

I still do.

I trust that You must have had your reasons, for You have always been protective of me and I've felt safe with You.

Dear You, I'm ready whenever You are.

Wait and Wade.

I could type a long narrative here, but I shan't.

Dear You,

Do you fight the pain each day?

Do you ruminate on the What Ifs and If Onlys?

I miss You.

And somewhere, somehow,

I know that You miss me too,

For the culmination of gestures and words have long cemented that.

However, recent weeks have yielded nought.

As each day passes, our salient silence is broken only by what we post on Facebook.

But for some reason, You just wouldn't say.

I've been walking in circles, trying to pull away but each time I do, things would go askew and I'd come running right back to You.

The reverse is true as You'd get me lil gifts or find a reason to surprise me though I'd tried to run away from You time and time again.

It is why we've been on this carousel for almost a decade.

Dear You,

If You are doing this for my own good or because of _________,

Know that it isn't so.

Know that by protecting me in this manner, it actually gnaws away at my frail frame.

Don't protect me by building a wall.

We cannot go on like this.

Each night, we wallow in our pain and Facebook is our only outlet of covert communication via cryptic posts. It is our haven of escapism.

= Aug 2013 (Whatsapp) =
Me : Swim back to me and take me to where You are!
You : Swim, Swim, Swim....

Dear You,

I cannot swim,

But I can learn to Wade.

'...and You let her go.'

(1) Talk is cheap.
If you like me, tell me.
If you miss me, show me.
If you love me, prove it.

(2) 'Don't you ever say
I just walked away
I will always want you.

All I ever wanted was to break your walls
...I just closed my eyes and swung...'

~ Miley Cyrus, Wrecking Ball

(3) 'Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
Coz you loved her too much and you dive too deep

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go

And You let her go'

~ Passenger, Let Her Go

Then, You reached out and Liked it.

Burying my face in my hands, I wept bitterly.

I miss You, too.

But I have to go.

I must.

Through the Fog, I Dreamt.

I dreamt of You. Thrice.

After all this while,

After having some peace of mind, I dreamt of You.

The scenario's always the same :

You'd lead me to a house. It was always one with copious amounts of space. You'd then draw near to me but leave soon after.

This inspid invasion of the subconscious is attributed to the onslaught I'd expected on Facebook.

"You know he'll do it. You're asking for it, provoking a retaliation by man this, man that," was B's chiding.

Really?

I thought it no longer mattered,

That You'd no longer cared,

That I no longer did either.

"If he no longer cared, would all these happen right now? Can you stop attributing it to sheer Coincidence? Do you really think you can hide behind naive thoughts? Can EVERYTHING he has done and tried to show be simply coincidence?" was M's exasperated admonishment.

It's better to think of everything as one huge Coincidence.

It's better this way.

So that I can continue to walk away.

I have to.

I must.