December : 2012 vs 2013

One by one,
They fell in line.

Pasted memories
Yielded themselves to shreds.

Bagged and binned,
Yesterday faded into oblivion.

12.12.12
11.12.13

What a difference a year makes.

Farewell.

Buckling.

Dear God,

I'm tired physically and mentally.

I'm beyond a meltdown.

For the first time in my life, I caught myself thinking that if a collision were to occur, at least I would not have to head home.

That sense of dread,

The constant fear,

The overwhelming anxiety -

These are elements that are new to me.

It's 11pm and I'm cowering under the covers.

Sleep has been elusive.

Involuntarily, I jolt from my slumber every hour or so.

There is no peace.

Mum doesn't understand why I've become like this.

Friends have been immensely supportive,

And He is concerned, for he has never seen me crumble till now.

He tries to cheer me up but I reject even the activities and food which I love.

Dear God, please grant me Grace & Mercy.

Let all these be over soon.

Lead me like Moses.

Drown the plague like You did with the Egyptians.

Lead me across the Rubicon

Into the Promised Land....

Of Peace & Normalcy.

Amen.

Peace, Please.

Peaceful slumber, as inane as it sounds, is distant and elusive currently.

Jolting out of bed to the tune of not once, not twice, but five times in a short span of four hours spells A-W-R-Y with a capital A.

I'm in pieces. I have no peace.

I'm whirling in constant worry, gripped by an avalanche of fear.

I must let this go.

Dear God, release me from these fears. They are crippling me physically, emotionally and mentally.

All I had yesterday was a slice of pizza and three wings. And the day before? 6 nuggets.

Nausea and abdominal cramps have resulted from the immense stress.

This isn't me.

Hear my cries, O God.

Amen.

Note to Self.

I'm Sorry.

I have too many things on my plate now.

I cannot deal with This.

I'm exhausted, anguished and on the brink of a meltdown.

Today, tears found their way to mar my day on the train, cab and bus.

I must overcome this.

Mich, hold onto your good faith.

Dear God, You know my fears and anxieties.

Set me free from those that plague me this week.

All at once, I'm overwhelmed. Despite hours being frittered, I'm back to square one.

I'm quaking. I'm quivering.

I'm not myself.

Mich, You've never EVER been like this.

Overcome that phobia.

You must.

Dear God, I surrender it all to You.

All I ask for is peace and normalcy.

In Jesus' Name,
Amen.

Wretched.

Dear God,

I am gripped by fear.

Wholly consumed by it, waves of nausea plague me to the point of constant retching and I am at a complete loss.

I will be strong and have faith in You, God.

You've saved my life repeatedly.

You've opened windows when doors were slammed shut.

Dear God, please eradicate These.

I've never been so fearful in my life.

I can neither eat nor sleep.

This isn't me.

Listen to my cries, Father.

Faith, not Fear.

Only You can fashion yet another miracle, God.

Only You.

And I trust that You will.

In Jesus' Name I Pray,
Amen

Debilitated.

My mind is preoccupied with a particular subject.

No, it's not about You (nor Him, nor finances).

It has reduced me to tears as I am overwhelmed, not knowing where to start and if it would be eradicated.

Fear has crippled me literally.

I lie in bed with nary a step out of it.

Thankfully, it is the holidays and work isn't affected.

<i>"Why have you become like this?" </i>

<i>"Don't think so much."</i>

<i>"Don't be like that."</i>

Every waking moment is spent on obsessive thoughts about This.

A cycle of tears and fears plague an otherwise cheery me.

My voracious appetite has dwindled significantly as I only had a single meal of chicken chop yesterday and even so, I could scarcely chomp through half of the portion before trashing it.

I'm exhausted from all the hours of physical exertion.

I don't quite know where to start.

Dear God, I commit this into Your hands.

Help me have a breakthrough in this. Let me emerge victorious in this battle.

In Jesus' Name I pray,
Amen

14.

She bristled at the mere recollection -

Of a day marked against time,

Of smiles and love a year ago.

Would He remember November 2012?

Would He bring forth mirth in November 2013?

He did.

The Boy remembered.

She smiled.

Thank You. =)

Ignition.

"You look very chio today," he quipped. I smiled and waved as I nestled into my seat.

('Chio' is a local slang that is used to compliment a pretty female. However, it can be perceived as being derogatory or rude if one does not share a close relationship with said female.)

He got up to accompany me in the snaking queue and left the rest twittering (of the verbal kind) amongst themselves.

He gushed over my shoes.
Then my bag.
It was then that my mind drifted to the time when You were still an undergraduate. The purchase of your bike and car had yet to transpire. Upon realising that the bus you were on had passed my location, you called and asked if I was alone and if You could keep me company. Elated, I was, however, with a friend and had to turn you down, albeit after a long chat.

In another year, I was to meet Di & De. You asked if You could come along. We stood in the queue for eons before we got a table. It was then that De commented, "...I would have thought that he (You) was your guy."

The unmistakable smile and wave that have come to be part of my identity were once again unfurled when our eyes met at the Concierge. That was a year ago.

I cannot must shake off this past.

I had, have and am trying to.

It took me a decade to finally know You and come 2014, another decade would soon go by.

That once feisty and cheerful girl is now weathered.

She'd scarcely noticed the years slipping by,

Till now.

Live. Life. Love.

Live,
For that is Life.

Love,
For that is Living.

~ Mich

Hook, Line & Sinker.

"电话响起了, 你要说话了. 还以为你心里 对我又想念了..."

A tune has significant bearing as it evokes images that have otherwise been tucked away into the recesses of one's mind.

As such, by the time this song had tapered off, my vision was clouded with tears.

"电话响起了
你要说话了
还以为你心里
对我又想念了...

灯光熄灭了
音乐静止了
滴下的眼泪已停不住了

天下起雨了
人是不快乐

我的心真的受伤了"

I shouldn't love You.
I mustn't.
But I do.
I still do.
And I know that You do too.

Each day is a struggle as I try to repress my emotions and picture a sledgehammer pounding incessantly at the heart to quell its fervent yearning for The Boy whom I cannot have.

Semiotics.

I had much to say -

Diphthongs and fricatives gilded intricate thoughts which yielded themselves to a tizzy

...that crusted into nought.

In other words, when I finally had the time to nestle within the comfort of my room, a blank slate adorned the screen.

And so,

Here am I,

With everything to say,

And nothing but a black flicker beating against the sea of white.

Well, it's 5.40 AM, so perhaps that is indicative of a much-needed slumber.

Goodnight, you, you, you, you,

... and You. =)

Being Chided.

"If you don't want what you have right now, give it to somebody else."
~ Friend B

And So It Is.

:: Tuesday ::
The previous post had unfurled that which festered deep within as I lay in bed. Tears disappeared into my pillow and I drifted off to sleep, exhausted from the emotional drain.

:: Wednesday ::
We had contact. It took me by surprise as the previous exchange had been in August 2013 as I flew to Sydney.

Yet here You were tonight. Oceans apart, my night was Your day.

At 2AM, Your words unnerved me. In return for the inane remark that I'd been terribly busy, You countered, "Yes, I have seen your nice meals with ______ and your busyness also." 

I certainly hadn't expected that swift and sardonic blow. Silence permeated for a long while before I could even muster, "I actually don't know what to say to that."

You replied grimly, "No need to say anything."

This looming tension threatened to pull the plug on our conversation.

Vacillating memories of that night in December 2012 took precedence as we faced each other and I blurted, "Sorry that I hadn't told You that I was going to ________." and Your reply had been of a similar fashion, "No need to apologize."

Here you were, articulating these words that I've only heard but twice. And twice, they had been about _____.

Thankfully, our banter resumed thereafter.

Gingerly, I mentioned that which You'd given me for my birthday in November 2012. Apprehension gnawed as I didn't quite know if it would disrupt the momentum up till then. You made me laugh with Your reply.

The minutes went by, and then an hour. Soon, I had to go, albeit reluctantly.

It hadn't been the full disclosure that I had hoped for, yet I was in happy tears.

For it dispelled the notion that it had been my imagination/hallucination/etc. I had been repressing and dismissing everything in 2013 as sheer Coincidence.

For the first time in 9 years since we've landed ourselves in this tangle, I felt a peaceful lilt in my heart.

It wasn't The Closure, but it assuaged the pain.

For it affirmed everything - of Devonshire 2005, of December 2012, of this given moment.

What mattered was not The Answer. 

It was not knowing that eroded me - of the Hows, Whys, What Ifs and If Onlys.

Ever since You flew across the oceans a year ago, I've struggled to make sense of it all. A smile with genuine joy has eluded me. I have not experienced it.

But tonight , I did.

Thank You. =)

Ready, Steady...Go?

Would it be better to be direct with each other instead of relying on what is the purported Ping-Pong on Facebook?

I guess so but fear breeds avoidance. At least on my part.

I don't understand.

This falls squarely on our shoulders.

Maybe I'll weep and you'll be grim.

Maybe the night of Devonshire would transpire once again, when we knew its finality and talked for a long time as each did not want to say goodbye

Maybe it'll hurt us.

But greater is the agony of not knowing how nor why nor if nor when.

That is what festers within.

Let's come clean

And if need be, we'll bury the past together; it'll be closure for us.

If not, let's hop on the ride together.

Let's find a direction for each other.

Let's not pretend that avoidance is for the good of the other party.

Had it worked, 9 years would not have gone by with bouts of disappearing and reappearing acts on both sides.

You promised that You wouldn't disappear in December 2012.

I believed You.

I still do.

I trust that You must have had your reasons, for You have always been protective of me and I've felt safe with You.

Dear You, I'm ready whenever You are.

Waxing Lyrical.

Deceivingly catchy, this duet left me morose with its accompanying lyrics.
It gnaws at my frail frame, for its resemblance to what has transpired between us is uncanny.

"你在我的面前微笑 装不知道
With a smile, you pretend to be oblivious.
其实你告白的简讯 我有收到
Actually, I'd received your text.
为何你 爱要晚到
Why did your love arrive too late?
只能像朋友般拥抱
We can only hug under the guise of friendship.

用记忆在对你拍照 让人难熬
Ruminating on encapsulated moments and our pictures leaves me wretched.
其实我对于你的好 也曾动摇
I'd grown to love the Good that was You.
为何你 爱要晚到
Why did You arrive too late?
对的人 不对的时间 却放不掉
The Right person appeared at the wrong time. However, I've yet to let You go."

********************************************************************

For those who'd like the lyrics in its entirety, you'd love to commit this to memory. :)

(周)眼看着手机里 没讯号
担心你的回信 我收不到
哪怕只传来一个 微笑的符号
我都会舍不得 删掉

(袁)电台传来天气 的预报
想起你为我遮雨 的外套

(合)客厅的电视播放 偶像剧频道
羡慕他们为爱 在争吵

(周) 你在我的面前微笑 装不知道
(袁) 其实你告白的简讯 我有收到
(周) 你说我 爱太晚到 / (袁) 为何你 爱要晚到
(合) 只能像朋友般拥抱 Yeah~

(周) 你说他的用心付出 比我早到
(袁) 对你的温柔只能放 心里收好
(周) 你说我 爱太晚到 / (袁) 为何你 爱要晚到
(合) 怎么做 我们彼此才 不会伤到

(周) 我记得你爱喝的饮料 (袁) 的饮料
(周) 也排队买你爱吃的面包 (袁) 的面包
(周) 却只能对你远远 的会心一笑 (袁) 的会心一笑
(周) 连你的手都牵不到

(袁) 你说你有多的电影票 (周) Yeah~
(周) 你知道 (袁) 事情没有 (合) 那么巧
(袁) 但很窝心的是你怕我无聊 / (周) 但很窝心的是我怕你无聊
(袁) 你比他清楚我的心跳 / (周) 我比他清楚你的心跳

(周) 你在我的面前微笑 装不知道
(袁) 其实你告白的简讯 我有收到
(周) 你说我 爱太晚到 / (袁) 为何你 爱要晚到
(合) 只能像朋友般 拥抱 Yeah~

(周) 你说他的用心付出 比我早到
(袁) 对你的温柔只能放 心里收好
(周) 你说我 爱太晚到 / (袁) 为何你 爱要晚到
(合) 怎么做 我们彼此才 不会伤到

(周) 你在我的面前微笑 装不知道
(袁) 他没有不好只是话 越聊越少
(周) 你说我 爱太晚到 / (袁) 为何你 爱要晚到
(合) 错过了幸福的味道 Yeah~

(周) 用记忆在对你拍照 让人难熬
(袁) 其实我对于你的好 也曾动摇
(周) 你说我 爱太晚到 / (袁) 为何你 爱要晚到
(合) 对的人 不对的时间 却放不掉

Bedtime Stories.

She stares into the distance.

And there lies the oblique horizon.

It is there, yet it is not.

For as far as her eyes can see, it tapers sharply into oblivion.

Gingerly, she makes her way towards what she believes is tangible.

But it is for nought -

An infinite loop spawns nothing but a mangled mess.

The Gordian knot is weathered and frayed.

Yet she, with all her naivete, looks toward the goal,

And presses on.

向左走．向右走

走不出
这个
黑暗 ...

Wait and Wade.

I could type a long narrative here, but I shan't.

Dear You,

Do you fight the pain each day?

Do you ruminate on the What Ifs and If Onlys?

I miss You.

And somewhere, somehow,

I know that You miss me too,

For the culmination of gestures and words have long cemented that.

However, recent weeks have yielded nought.

As each day passes, our salient silence is broken only by what we post on Facebook.

But for some reason, You just wouldn't say.

I've been walking in circles, trying to pull away but each time I do, things would go askew and I'd come running right back to You.

The reverse is true as You'd get me lil gifts or find a reason to surprise me though I'd tried to run away from You time and time again.

It is why we've been on this carousel for almost a decade.

Dear You,

If You are doing this for my own good or because of _________,

Know that it isn't so.

Know that by protecting me in this manner, it actually gnaws away at my frail frame.

Don't protect me by building a wall.

We cannot go on like this.

Each night, we wallow in our pain and Facebook is our only outlet of covert communication via cryptic posts. It is our haven of escapism.

= Aug 2013 (Whatsapp) =
Me : Swim back to me and take me to where You are!
You : Swim, Swim, Swim....

Dear You,

I cannot swim,

But I can learn to Wade.

Of Food, Time and Aunt.

Time -

The Pavlovian conditioning has somewhat culminated in a propensity towards anticipating crumbles.

Let's put You out of the way for today.

Aunt's been fighting for her life for the last 3 weeks.

Critically ill, she had been in mICU where countless tubes adorned her flesh involuntarily. Breathing was a gift, for with each audible gasp of air that the machines had granted, it meant that life continued to course through her veins. Her mouth had been forcibly widened to allow copius amounts of oxygen in.

Last Sunday, she was asleep when I arrived. A gentle shake woke her up. As our eyes met, she broke into loud wails and would not stop bawling. When our helper (God's gift to our family, for she has taken care of each one like her own) asked why Aunt had burst into tears, she sputtered through gasps,
"Michelle....Michelle...Cook whatever Michelle wants to eat."

That is Aunt. I'm very blessed when it comes to my maternal family. While Uncle had been my sole influence in academics and had showered me with every educational tool or book that I had ever wanted, Aunt was the tour de force when it came to the palate. She ruled the kitchen and every meal was a banquet of sorts.

To give you a clearer picture, a typical meal I had as a 7-year-old included
• Two plates of rice
• 1-2 whole fish (catfish, pomfret, garoupa or otherwise)
• A bowl of 6-7 chilli prawns
• A bowl of sambal kangkong or cabbage
• A large bowl of pork rib soup
• 1-2 fried eggs

Yup, that was my daily ingestion. It sure explains my insatiable appetite in adulthood!

Food, in our Peranakan culture, is crucial. It is the epitome of love and family bonding. Hence, Aunt would ply me with every possible yummy dish that she could whip up. All I had to do was ask.

From the day I could speak as a toddler, I had been given a choice as to what I'd like to have for every meal. This holds true till today, at this given moment. There was an unspoken rule which Uncle & Aunt had enforced - that everyone had/has to eat whatever I wanted.

When Aunt was struck with gout, she continued to labour in the kitchen with Mum to feed the family.

When she needed a walking stick because a leg had been distorted as a result of said gout, pots and pans continued to clang in the kitchen.

Consequently, both legs gave way and she was confined to a wheelchair. Mum assumed the role of being the family chef but Aunt remained at helm and acted as the commander over recipes. It was hilarious as both would bicker about inane ingredients and such but this would dissipate once the edibles met our palates. Grunts of approval amongst family banter meant that the meal was up to standard.

That is why Food is incredibly important to me, for it is a reminder of the immense amount of love I had been gifted with since birth.

Today, Aunt quivered violently but tests showed that nothing was out of the ordinary. She remarked weakly that she wanted to 'go home' (read: Heaven) and meet my deceased Uncle. Then, she muttered my name over and over again throughout the day.

Dear God, she has suffered much over the last 15 years. Yet, time and time again, she has always miraculously pulled through and acted as if nothing had ever happened. It was bizarre as we were baffled but it was certainly a happy miracle.

Dear God, please sustain Aunt. We would love the bizarre miracle once more.

In Jesus' Name I pray,
Amen.

Then.

The vacuous space,
A Moment in Time,
That Night.

I miss You.

Pummel!

It's going to be a gruelling week.

Work beckons.

Pushing myself beyond my physical limitations is not an option.

I must -

Verily so, I'm afraid.

'...and You let her go.'

(1) Talk is cheap.
If you like me, tell me.
If you miss me, show me.
If you love me, prove it.

(2) 'Don't you ever say
I just walked away
I will always want you.

All I ever wanted was to break your walls
...I just closed my eyes and swung...'

~ Miley Cyrus, Wrecking Ball

(3) 'Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
Coz you loved her too much and you dive too deep

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go

And You let her go'

~ Passenger, Let Her Go

Then, You reached out and Liked it.

Burying my face in my hands, I wept bitterly.

I miss You, too.

But I have to go.

I must.

'...and that You miss me, too.'

Source : aRQ3pxq on 9GAG